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Librarian Twilight Plans For Everything Except Success1,604 words
Librarian Twilight Plans For Everything Except Nothing1,014 words
Librarian Twilight Plans For Everything Except Regrets1,145 words
Librarian Twilight Didn't Plan For This1,534 words

Librarian Twilight Didn't Plan For This

I shuffled on my cushion, trying to keep my nerves down. I was still unsure of this whole idea; the nervous twitch in my legs told me that we shouldn't be doing this, but Twilight had rightly pointed out that we couldn't avoid this forever.

I didn't want to avoid this forever.

I tried distracting myself by thinking of what I would say, or by doing magical exercises. Neither worked; I couldn't stop the rising sense of dread in me. Of all of the people I had disappointed, there had been just one I really couldn't face.

I heard voices out in the hall; after a moment, I identified them as Twilight and Celestia. I did my best to compose myself as I heard Celestia's distinctive hoofsteps approach, and tried to put away my doubts that seeing me would ruin Celestia's day off.

The door slowly opened. Celestia stepped inside, a look of pleasant anticipation on her face to see what Twilight had planned for her – a look which died when she saw me. Her expression fell into a look of surprise, and there was a moment of silence as she realized what Twilight had arranged.

"Sunset...?"

I nodded, mustering a smile, and slowly standing up to greet her. I was so nervous that it felt like my leg was trying to shake itself off, and I felt my smile wavering with uncertainty. I began to speak, but cut off when I realized she was approached me very quickly. Before I understood what she was doing, she had swept me up into her hooves, her wings, and held me tight against her. I felt myself relax into the gesture before I even realized what was happening, though my mind was racing with questions.

"Sunset. Sunset..."

Her voice was cracking, and the sound sent daggers of ice through my chest. Even at my most spiteful and wicked, I'd never honestly believed I could hurt her like this, even if I had sometimes wanted to. I certainly didn't think, by the time I left, that she even cared about my absence. I hugged her back, trying to think of what I could say to help – to assuage the damage I had caused. Instead, I felt a cold sensation on the back of my neck, and I heard her start speaking - and realized she was crying.

"I'm so sorry. Sunset, I'm so, so sorry."

My eyes shot open, and I felt my breath catch for a second. I had come with some idea of what to expect, and this didn't resemble that scenario at all!

"You're... you're sorry?! I was the one who—"

Celestia just pulled me in tighter, and I felt her breath hitching. I stayed there with her, as she rocked back and forth slightly, for a short while, before I gently pulled back a bit - not out of the embrace, but enough to look her in the eyes – and see how full of regret they were.

"Celestia... why?! I was the one who stormed out, who wouldn't listen to reason – I was blinded by, by ambition, a-and I was angry, I hoped I would hurt you when I left... you shouldn't be sorry, you should be angry! I was a complete failure!"

Celestia's mouth twisted through a variety of expressions as I spoke, and she glanced away from me, staring at a fairly wall for a few seconds before screwing her eyes shut. She pulled me back close, and nuzzled the top of my head as she spoke. I hadn't ever thought about how much I missed being close to her until that moment.

"Sunset, I've heard about your situation from Twilight; how you've been a good friend, a staunch ally... somepony with compassion and sincerity. I thought I saw those traits in you, but I... I lost faith in you. Your ambition was so strong, I convinced myself that I could not... I gave up. I became impatient, and I gave up on something so important to me..."

"I didn't give you a choice, though!"

"Think of the other Twilight, Sunset – the one from the human world. What of her? Was she a failure, a monster?"

"Of course not! She was pushed into what she did, she didn't see an alternative! It's not like she had friends to turn to – and that's partially my fault too! I snapped at her!"

"You lacked friends as well, Sunset. Like her, you were ambitious – and like her, you... I failed you, as your teacher. As her teacher failed her. Neither of you saw an alternative... but I should have. I thought of your lack of friends as a failing on your part, without considering how it was eating away at you. I didn't understand how you were replacing the feeling of validation one receives from friends... with the feeling of ambition, of success."

I leaned against her, screwing my eyes shut. I wasn't sure what else to say. Everything felt so wrong; I didn't want to hear the person I had hurt so much apologize to me... and I knew she didn't, either. I thought back to those days, before I left... when I thought more power would fill the hole inside of me. When I felt so weak.

"I came here, to see you, because I felt ready to apologize. I felt ready to speak to you, because I thought I'd put all of that... behind me. It's something I've discussed with my friends... the way I lost control because of how jealous I was of Twilight. Some new girl who had just walked into everything I'd ever wanted... and who won respect, and adoration, without showing even a shred of that burning drive that had carried me so far. You're... not wrong about how badly I needed someone other than myself to tell me that I mattered."

"And I responded to that by pushing you away – by taking away the one pony you could have turned to."

"That wasn't your fault, though! I'd been... You can't blame yourself for just trying to help!"

I found myself getting a bit hysterical. The shakes had come back, though in a different way, and I all but collapsed on Celestia. I couldn't accept the idea that a mare who had only tried to give me the best in life could feel bad about what she had done. I felt her brush a hoof through my mane, as her voice gently reached my ears.

"I should have gone myself. I should have gone to find you, should have told you how I felt... or at least used the book we shared. I kept trying to convince myself that I should give you space – just like I convinced myself that you were beyond my help. Instead, I sent Twilight... I thought she would do better at getting through to you. And I was right, but not because of any animosity you had for me..."

Celestia's voice hitched. I remembered the old resentment I had felt towards her, the burning question that had plagued me those first years I spent in the human world. I had to know.

"I always expected that, one day, you would show up. Drag me back to Canterlot with, I don't know, a dozen guards, or... something. Why... why didn't you?"

"I couldn't bring myself to admit how much I cared. Not to you, not even to myself. All of this... all of it could have been avoided, if not for that. Twilight has had to fix so many of my mistakes... because of that simple cowardice."

I shook my head against her, as my eyes began to dry. A strange sort of calm had overtaken me as we spoke – perhaps I had simply all I could.

"Celestia... you're silly."

"What?"

"Your standards for yourself have—"

I realized that I was giving her the same speech that someone had recently given me. I smirked as I spoke further.

"... They've become unreasonable. The rest of us aren't entitled to your love. You aren't a bad pony for not being able to open up to others. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own problems, maybe I'd have seen it. And if that makes you a coward... what does it make the rest of us, hmm?"

I teasingly poked her in the barrel as we sat there. We passed a few moments in companionable silence, before she finally let out a contented sigh.

"Twilight was right. You've become a good friend, Sunset."

It's funny how time changes us. Hearing her say that made me feel better than any pair of wings would.

Author's Note:

People rarely understand the more practical difficulties of being an author.

Like trying to proofread your own work while your eyes are all watery.

Man, so sappy. You really like this stuff? Well, if you missed it, this is the third in a series, so you can find the other two here:

Librarian Twilight Sparkle, Tutor of the CMC

Librarian Twilight's Plan Gets Bodychecked By Rainbow Dash

Or if you DID read those, and STILL haven't gotten enough, here's some other thing I wrote:

The Queen and I: Book 1

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xuincherguixe

xuincherguixe #1 · Jan 13th, 2016 · 1 · 1 ·

Oh hey, just found the spoiler tag. Now I don't have to show the whole fic anymore. Also this got rather long...

I shuffled on my cushion, trying to keep my nerves down. I was still unsure of this whole idea; the nervous twitch in my legs told me that we shouldn't be doing this, but Twilight had rightly pointed out that we couldn't avoid this forever. I didn't want to avoid this forever.

Can see what you meant earlier about how you had thought about this aspect, that Celestia wanted Twilight to make friends out of her own regrets.
And yeah, those sorts of stories on the show, dealing with lonliness and such? Can be hard to watch because of the serious take.

I heard voices out in the hall; after a moment, I identified them as Twilight and Celestia. I did my best to compose myself as I heard Celestia's distinctive hoofsteps approach, and tried to put away my doubts that seeing me would ruin Celestia's day off.

Notlestia? Huh. Who is it? At the time of writing? Thinking Luna. Discord was also considered but I wonder if this is how he'd be thinking? And, if this sort of arc even makes sense for him.

"Sunset...?"

Ah. Right. I did accidentally see that name when my eyes were trying to focus on the start. Whoops! And here I was thinking about a Discord arc...

Her voice was cracking, and the sound sent daggers of ice through my chest. Even at my most spiteful and wicked, I'd never honestly believed I could hurt her like this, even if I had sometimes wanted to. I certainly didn't think, by the time I left, that she even cared about my absence.

And this would be the point I'd probably stop being a smart ass. Identify a bit too much here.
And think I might need to take a bit of a break. Little thirsty, but also rather a bit of an emotional scene. One of those triumphantly sad things... touching that this is getting out in the open.

Celestia just pulled me in tighter, and I felt her breath hitching. I stayed there with her, as she rocked back and forth slightly, for a short while, before I gently pulled back a bit - not out of the embrace, but enough to look her in the eyes – and see how full of regret they were. "Celestia... why?! I was the one who stormed out, who wouldn't listen to reason – I was blinded by, by ambition, a-and I was angry, I hoped I would hurt you when I left... you shouldn't be sorry, you should be angry! I was a complete failure!"

It's almost like Celestia isn't someone that just reacts to these feelings, and is someone that choose who, and what she is.

"Sunset, I've heard about your situation from Twilight; how you've been a good friend, a staunch ally... somepony with compassion and sincerity. I thought I saw those traits in you, but I... I lost faith in you. Your ambition was so strong, I convinced myself that I could not... I gave up. I became impatient, and I gave up on something so important to me..." "I didn't give you a choice, though!"

How does one get through to someone who refuses to be gotten through to? And how does one get over putting a person through that? Rhetorical question, but I'm starting to suspect the answer is to bring other people in that are able to force perspective. Hence how there's a magical princess of friendship.

"You lacked friends as well, Sunset. Like her, you were ambitious – and like her, you... I failed you, as your teacher. As her teacher failed her. Neither of you saw an alternative... but I should have. I thought of your lack of friends as a failing on your part, without considering how it was eating away at you. I didn't understand how you were replacing the feeling of validation one receives from friends... with the feeling of ambition, of success."

Insightful. When we think of histories "ambitious" (I don't see ambition as a flaw, but I digress) figures, those dictators and tyrants, and those who would build empires. And these business moguls, investment bankers, and warlods? How many of them could be said to feeling alone? That the desire for power was a way of trying to feel connected to something]?

I leaned against her, screwing my eyes shut. I wasn't sure what else to say. Everything felt so wrong; I didn't want to hear the person I had hurt so much apologize to me... and I knew she didn't, either. I thought back to those days, before I left... when I thought more power would fill the hole inside of me. When I felt so weak.

When you're trying to get strength helps if you know what kind of strength to get.

"I came here, to see you, because I felt ready to apologize. I felt ready to speak to you, because I thought I'd put all of that... behind me. It's something I've discussed with my friends... the way I lost control because of how jealous I was of Twilight. Some new girl who had just walked into everything I'd ever wanted... and who won respect, and adoration, without showing even a shred of that burning drive that had carried me so far. You're... not wrong about how badly I needed someone other than myself to tell me that I mattered."

Pretty understandable that. Would take someone rather exceptional to not feel jealous. You could argue that she should be a better person but... why? What even is that? How are those concepts suppose to reach? Examples help. So does confrontation.

"I should have gone myself. I should have gone to find you, should have told you how I felt... or at least used the book we shared. I kept trying to convince myself that I should give you space – just like I convinced myself that you were beyond my help. Instead, I sent Twilight... I thought she would do better at getting through to you. And I was right, but not because of any animosity you had for me..."

No reason to think that would have worked. She had tried before after all. Was the situation that different that it would create different responses? Would defeating Sunset have caused her to reevaluate her views? COULD Celestia beat Sunset Shimmer even if it had come to that?

Celestia's voice hitched. I remembered the old resentment I had felt towards her, the burning question that had plagued me those first years I spent in the human world. I had to know. "I always expected that, one day, you would show up. Drag me back to Canterlot with, I don't know, a dozen guards, or... something. Why... why didn't you?" "I couldn't bring myself to admit how much I cared. Not to you, not even to myself. All of this... all of it could have been avoided, if not for that. Twilight has had to fix so many of my mistakes... because of that simple cowardice."

No one is perfect. I suppose this is why there ~~two~~ ~~three~~ four princesses. I'd say Equestria has a problem when it come to royalty inflation but eh, the number of princesses compared to the number of issues is probably still not reaching market equilibrium. The Free Market needs to decide on how many princesses there are! It's the only way that makes sense!

"Your standards for yourself have—" I realized that I was giving her the same speech that someone had recently given me. I smirked as I spoke further. "... They've become unreasonable. The rest of us aren't entitled to your love. You aren't a bad pony for not being able to open up to others. If I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own problems, maybe I'd have seen it. And if that makes you a coward... what does it make the rest of us, hmm?"

Could make reference to some things I'm not well informed enough to talk about like "pathogical altruism" or master/slave morality. Or how the industrial revolution has taken us apart but... this is Equestria. Celestia seems to be the one setting the systems. Either way she hasn't been thinking about herself enough.

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