Sunset cuts herself, not too deep but enough to feel the pain. Enough to feel the scream inside. But one day cutting isn't enough.
This story is after EG ( May turn into a romance ship but I still don't know)
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 6th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen January 21st
Y Nahigara
Just here to provide entertainment through writing
Y Nahigara
Joined 6th Oct, 2015 ·
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I think this would've worked better with Pony Twilight during Rainbow Rocks (or an alternate universe where human twilight was around for the second movie) where Sunset was in a far more vulnerable emotional state. After Rainbow Rocks Sunset (in the movies at least) seemed to be a lot more stable, grounded and happy than at almost any previous point of her life that we have seen. It just seems weird how someone who is portrayed as the happiest they've ever been would be suicidal.
You've got a good deal of grammar problems here, along with some confusion over there and their, to and too, wear and where (in the summary), and your and you're. This story could also benefit from a lot of commas. Lastly (with grammar), when a quote ends in a period, but you continue on with something like "he said", replace the period with a comma, since while the quote is finished, the sentence is not, like so:
I also have a minor issue with this:
Now, this isn't a bad sentence in itself. However, two paragraphs later, Sunset tells Twilight this exact same thing, which is redundant. I'd just cut this sentence, letting Sunset, not the narration, explain why she is simply lying there.
I also noticed a plot hole:
How could Pinkie have given Twilight Sunset's phone when Sunset herself checked her phone as she headed to the bathroom?
Lastly, I have a concern with the actual premise. Why is Sunset still being bullied? She saved CHS not once, but twice now, the second time single-handedly. It doesn't make sense that she's still being bullied. I can, I suppose, come to believe it if it were only a few students, but it seems like everyone is still on her case.
At any rate, I liked the beginning of this story. I'll be keeping an eye on this and providing criticism to help you out. Good luck in your future endeavors!
I love It!!!!!!
This is alright you have my attention although it doesn't take much, all you have to do is say SUNSET HERE, COME GET YOUR SUNSET HERE! Also I see you have writen this via phone or tablet?
6673288 He/she seems to have writen this on a tablet or phone I'm geussing the former.
6673264 I just edited it so it now has pony Twi instead of human Twi
6673403 It was on a tablet
6673288 Thank you I just edited it right now if you want to check it again
6673847 I'm impressed. The story makes much more sense, now, and having Equestria Twilight does make more sense than the human version. Good job!
6673843 Thats what I thought since I'm on tablet I can see the emojis.
I'm intrigued.
MORE!
WAIT...... Valentines?
6745303 Sorry
Its just that I'm going to be really busy with school and all but I'm going to have the next chapter out as soon as I can
Plus I'm writing a Christmas special 
6745945 Its okay.
I look forward to the christmas special
I am looking forward to reading more of this.
What? that's it? she can't die like this! must have MORE!
I need more of this story!
I look forward to chapter 2, hehehe! keep up the good work!
it is going to interesting to see who finds her and how they actually find her. good story, needs another chapter.
Hmm... I am intrigued. I wonder who will find her - or even if. And if so, will they make it in time to make a difference? And if she is saved, will you be showing more of the effects the attempted suicide has on her friends or just herself? Will she make any headway into battling the source of her depression? I need to know!
Good luck with your scholarship paper, by the way!
6850841 Thanks
6851892 Thanks and don't worry Valentines Day is almost here!!
Cant wait till the next chapter :)
Update, awesome.
Ha, I admit I loved that bit. She's in for quite the lecture, and I doubt anybody will let her out of their sight for a while...
Honestly this chapter felt a little too rushed. Don't get me wrong it was a nice chapter and I'll be reading the rest of the story, its just that the pacing was a little too fast for such a short chapter.
6961783 Yeah I know, I need to work on expanding and smoothing out my chapters, thank you for your honesty
6963828 Your quite welcome, I understand what it's like writing the stories, your ideas just flow out that you forget some details here and there, its understandable.
Some explaining to do she has indeed, good job looking forward to the next chapter.
6997849 Thanks
Sunset's trying so hard to kill herself... and it's not worth it
Great chapter! Hope you update soon.
I was wondering If you would mind if I did a reading of this story on my YouTube channel.
7083528 If you want to then go ahead
I like it.
7092593 I'm glad
7095912
Lol sunset at the end
I seriously cant wait till you update this
7134142 Yeah sorry the third chapter isn't out yet, exams and after school practices are taking up most of my time (I literally stay after school Monday-Friday if I'm lucky I go home early on Friday) don't worry the chapter is about 20% complete
7135162 give us more????
Okay one thing I really disagree with in general. Twilight's leap in logic isn't very believable. Personally I think a better way to get the same result would be having Sunset forget her phone so that when they call her they find her phone still there and end up seeing the last message she got.
Are you gonna make new chapter soon?
7646279 Yes don't worry I'm trying to work as fast as possible
7655727 no rush lol. just wondering
static.grindtv.com/images/1/00/40/97/61/409761.jpg
My suspension of disbelief as they drop talking about her suicide attempt and the doctors let her go.
Pretty good I have to say I like how Sunset still has struggle from hurting herself and that she would open up to her friends about it
7675432 Fixed it