I'm Offensive and I Take Offense

by Gapeagle

Karma

Rarity was peacefully sipping her early morning tea. Everything was just right. The birds were singing, the day was sunny and bright, and Sweetie Belle was not there to annoy her. Yes, everything was just right. So, like every perfect morning, it started with a nice cup of tea and a good hearty breakfast.

She took another sip and levitated the morning newspaper to read. Bold letters describing how Celestia moved down to the tropical islands and how Luna was fighting a bunch of protesting ponies were all that the paper described. This made Rarity sigh, it as all the same o' same o'.

She was about to take a bite out of her lemon muffin when she started hearing the sound of hammering right outside her door. Who could it be? She gently placed the muffin down and rose from her chair. It was unusual for anypony to be working like that in front of the Boutique.

Rarity reached the front door and magically opened it. There, in her front yard was Starlight Glimmer, using her hoofs (not her unicorn magic) to hammer a large wooden sign into the ground. Rarity could not read the sign as it was facing away from her and towards the quiet street. She blinked in confusion as the peculiar pink unicorn continued to hammer away.

"Umm...Uh...Good morning?" Rarity said hesitantly.

Starlight did not reply and kept hammering.

"Starlight, what are you doing?" Rarity asked with the same hesitation.

"Giving you the karma you deserve," she replied and then looked up. "Wait...karma is not associated with all cultures. Mustn't use karma, it could be offensive," she told herself robotically.

"May I ask how?" Rarity took a step out of her home.

"Well, it's time to boycott your racist, homophobic business. You're a racist heterosexual unicorn trying to take advantage of others in this capitalistic society. Jerks like you shouldn't succeed," Starlight finished hammering and leaned on the hammer with a smug look.

"Racist? Moi?" Rarity sounded shock.

Starlight chuckled. "Oh please, because you're so privileged and white, you think yourself better than other ponies and even other species. We have recordings of you saying racist things about pegasi, earth ponies, and mules, but never unicorns...wonder why?" she finished sarcastically.

"When did I ever say anything about pegasi?" Rarity raised a brow.

"You called them brutes," Starlight answered.

"Well, some are, but not all! Also, that was in a play!" Rarity rolled her eyes.

"You called earth ponies uncouth."

"That's only the Apple family."

"And mules ugly."

"Alright, I admit to that."

"See! You are racist and inconsiderate!" Starlight pointed a harsh hoof. "That's why you should be boycotted. Ponies like you should be ran out of business!"

"When have I been homophobic?"

Starlight frowned and she started tapping her chin in thought. "Uhhh...I'm trying to remember. Aha! You refused to make a stallion's wedding dress!"

"That's never happened, dear."

"It didn't?" Starlight's ears flopped to the sides before collected herself. "Wait! Of course they did! I read about it!"

"Not everything you read is true..."

"Yeah, but you bigoted ponies read all your own false tales and hurt ponies based off them!"

"Of course they do. Starlight, ponies read what they want to hear, never what they should hear."

"Huh?" Starlight grunted confusedly.

"Forget it, darling."

"That reminds me!" Starlight pointed again. "You embrace the mare stereotype of dresses, fashion, tea parties, and all around girliness! You teach our poor fillies that they need to be as pink and frilly as you!"

"You're the pink one," Rarity commented simply.

"My coat color has nothing to do with this!"

"Starlight, my dear, what is wrong with my personality and interests? I am more than a simple fashionista, I am a businessmare! I do not teach that fillies should hang around in dresses and stuff, I am an example of how a mare takes control of her life and makes money out of it! I am a lady, Starlight, that means I can handle the stress of life with grace and ambition. Is it wrong that I have made a business out of something I am passionate about?"

"Of course it is!" Starlight barked before pausing. "Wait...uhh..."

"If fillies want to be tomcolts or not be refined, then so be it! I have had my troubles with mares like Rainbow Dash and Applejack. They are indeed uncouth, but I rather have them no different than who they are. I, however, prefer the high society life. I find it fascinating and inspiring. I could make more rustic apparel for such mares like Applejack, but I simply do not find enjoyment in that. I rather be superficial and elegant."

"Fine! But that doesn't change the fact that you wish to go with every stallion you meet! You are always looking for a stallion! You're not only a gold digger, but you try to seduce and take advantage of every heterosexual and bisexual stallion you meet!"

"Oh please, that's my personal life, Starlight. It does not affect you in any way. I do want a companion. Is it wrong that I will only seek capable stallions because I want to live with them forever? And I've only seduced stallions a couple of times, it's a naughty trick, but I'll use it when necessary. None of these accusations of yours are in any way worthy of tearing my business to the ground!"

"Oh yeah-"

"STARLIGHT!"

Both unicorns jumped as they saw an angry Twilight come trotting down the road to them. The princess was levitating a rolled up newspaper and her steps were more like stomps. Starlight gulped loudly and hid the hammer behind her.

"Starlight! What are you doing?!" Twilight yelled in Starlight's face.

"Uhh...nothing?" she made an innocent smile.

Twilight looked at the sign and her eyes widened. "What is THAT?!"

Starlight quit the act. "This is a peaceful protest against Rarity's Boutique."

"With that?" Twilight pointed at the sign.

Starlight nodded. "Yes."

Twilight turned the sign around to let Rarity see. There in big black letters wrote RARITY IS A WHORE followed by several exclamation points. Rarity gasped loudly and she placed a hoof on her chest.

"Why, I never!"

"Starlight, are you serious?" Twilight demanded from Starlight.

"I see nothing wrong with it," Starlight said casually.

Twilight responded by hitting Starlight on the head roughly with the newspaper.

"Ow!" Starlight cried. "I could charge that as assault!"

"I'm Princess of Friendship, good luck," Twilight growled.

Twilight then picked Starlight up in her magic and began to carry her away. The pink unicorn squirmed madly in the restraining grip. Her shrill voice echoing through the streets.

"See?! This is the violence in the system! I'm a peaceful protester, being hauled away for nothing but using my freedom of speech! Alicorns get away with everything! The government protects unicorns! They protect the rich! They keep to the old and outdated capitalism! Twilight prevents progress! Twilight works with the racist white unicorns! HEEELLPPP!!!"

Nopony went to help the odd squirming unicorn as Twilight carried her away. Rarity watched them go down the street before giving out a sly chuckle. She leaned on the sign and levitated her unfinished muffin to her from the kitchen.

"Hmm, karma."

Author's Note:

There are still people disliking this? Huh....Guess another offended person creeps out from the bushes every day.

Comments

[Mother3Forever]

My face hurts from my giant grin.

[Gapeagle]

6849634 I was laughing all the while I wrote. Ah, I'm having so much fun using brightly colored ponies as parody mouthpieces. Eeyup.

[badninja]

Not been offended yet! Guess Cards Against Humanity has helped me to be offensive!

[Gapeagle]

6849742 Eh, I actually don't like that game, mainly for its cheap laughs, but who cares?

I've learned how to be offensive from PC culture itself. And the Internet of course.

[Morex25]

I would say this is great satire, but for it to be satire it would need to exaggerate things not portray the truth.
Still, I laughed my ass off.

[cowbrony93]

Why don't you just change the status to incomplete? lt seems that you're adding continuity to the bonus chapters

[Fon Shaolin]

"Twilight turned the sign around to let Rarity see. There in big black letters wrote RARITY IS A WHORE followed by several exclamation points."

I just died.

[Gapeagle]

6849846 I try so hard to exaggerate, but I can't seem to get there, I seem stuck in the truth.

6850016 I'm having so much fun, I think I'll just do that. But I can never guarantee how much I can add.

6850124 Hopefully that doesn't make me a murderer.

[badninja]

6850124

I am surprised Rarity did not kill Starlight for that. I wonder if horn removal would be seen as a hate crime in Equestria?

[The Great Derpsby]

The only thing missing is it turning out that Starlight slept with any stallion who struck her fancy. Sometimes two at once. Or three.

You know, in the name of equality.

But no mare, because that's icky.

[MxGoat]

LMFAO This fic is great

[Alondro]

6850782 The reality is so absurd, there is no possible way to exaggerate it.

These are the people who blame America for ISIS cutting their own people's heads off and believe Israel was behind 9/11... and then go on rants about it.

http://nypost.com/2016/03/02/assemblyman-demands-college-fire-professor-who-blames-jews-for-911/

Treabeard mutters, "There is no curse in Elvish or Entish for such stupidity..."

And strangely enough they also all believe socialism is a viable system... odd that these sorts of things always go together.

[Aurochs125]

Priceless.

[Gapeagle]

7350051 truly one of my favorite chapters

[Applejack224]

Whew, the edge, bro, the edge is too sharp

[Sunny Starscout]

Literally shit. But I must go on

[Jakomi of the Rose]

Karma truly is great. Not when it happens to me but when it happens to others it's a hoot.