I'm Offensive and I Take Offense

by Gapeagle

The PC Police (Part 1)

Starlight looked at the dark blue police cap in her hooves. It was time, she thought. She slid the cap on her head, making sure her horn did not imbalance it. Then she placed on a policemare's vest and slapped a pair of anti-magic hoofcuffs to her side. A nightstick went on the other side. She then put on fishnet stocking that she thought all policemares wore. To finish her look, she put on a pair of cute black boots to really make her look intimidating. So intimidating.

She brought her mirror over and inspected her new look. "Hm, not too bad. Wish I didn't look so much like an oppressive tyrannical unicorn government agent." With her hooves, she adjusted everything again until it was comfortable. "There, that's better."

Unbeknownst to her, Spike was walking around the corner with a dish of food in his claws. He was humming a tune before he noticed the pink unicorn admiring herself. He instantly stopped in his dragon tracks and cocked his head.

"Uh, Starlight, isn't a bit early in the day to get kinky?" he asked. "And Sunburst isn't coming over today."

"Gah!" Starlight jumped. "Oh, hi Spike. I am not getting 'kinky' for Sunburst...yet...I am trying to save the country. With Celestia being Princess again, hate crimes are soaring in Equestria. I am going out to stop them!"

"With police brutality? I thought you hated that?" Spike blinked.

Starlight returned to looking at herself. "Well, that's against pegasi as police are extremely racist and contribute to institutionalized racism. Hate crimes can only be committed by unicorns, so me beating them up won't be brutality, it'll be justice."

"Eh, I don't follow..."

"Whatever. You're a dragon. The dragons have caused all this. Oppressive countries just want other countries to be oppressive...shame."

"Um...ok...."

Spike shrugged and started to walk away. Starlight saw this and stamped a hoof on her desk. The startled dragon whipped around to look at her.

"Stop!" she said sheepishly. "I um...really need breakfast before I head out..."

---

"Why didn't I think this through..." Starlight sighed.

"C'mon gal! Arrest me!" a pegasus stallion called to her. "I'm all yours!"

Starlight shook her head as she walked by the now drooling stallion whose wings were straight up to the sky. With him being a minority pony, her doing anything to him would be her unicorn racism coming out of her well-kept seal. She could only not look his way and trot on. He was not the first cat-calling stallion. he was the fifth thus far.

"Good heavens, Starlight! Why are you dressed like that?" Rarity gasped upon seeing her.

The white unicorn was drinking her tea at a small round table next to a cafe. The two had hardly been on speaking terms for obvious reasons, but at the moment, bygones seemed bygones.

Starlight stopped in front of her. "I um, got this off of the internet. Didn't realize it was a Nightmare Night costume," she said. "Of course no policestallion outfits were like this. Stupid sexism."

"Well, I can't say you don't look marvelous in it," Rarity inspected Starlight's side. "But why in Equestria would you ever wear it?"

"Because without ponies like me, you know, ones that actually have a conscience, the world would have no hope. It is my duty to help the minorities and the marginalized. With Celestia as our ruler, the unicorn supremacists, the racists, the nationalists, and the plain ol' jerks will rise up, salute her like a dictator, and bring Tartarus to every innocent being," Starlight said dramatically.

Rarity took a sip of her morning tea, "If you say so."

"Wait a second," Starlight paused and glared at the white unicorn mare, "you're one of those unicorn supremacists."

Rarity looked away, taking another frantic sip. "I have no idea what you are talking about, darling."

Starlight put her black leather boots on the table, "Yeah, you do! Don't you think I haven't been following you and what you say."

Rarity put down her tea. "So what if I am a unicorn supremacist? With your self-hating kind going about these days, it's rather hard not to be a supremacist. Besides, I don't actually do anything. I just think unicorns are superior to other pony races. I mean, deary, it's only because of unicorns that we have such a great country today."

Her words almost, almost burst a vein in Starlight's temple. The now growling pink policemare leaned closer to Rarity until their horns almost touched. Well, they would have, had Rarity not backed her head away.

"How can you say that? Unicorns have done nothing but bring misery! The earth ponies grew all the plants and had to share them! The pegasi had to painstakingly keep the weather nice just for you sorry hornheads. What did the unicorns do?"

"Why, they moved the heavens, we all know that," Rarity said.

"Are you sure? How do we actually know that happened?" Starlight questioned rudely.

"Well, now that you say it like that..." Rarity sipped her tea hesitantly, "I'm not sure...but what about all the technology? All the advancements in society? Unicorns brought real civilization. If the unicorns had let the earth ponies and pegasi live their lives, they would still be lowly peasants and warmongering warriors respectively. "

"That's it!"

Starlight grabbed her nightstick and brought it down right on Rarity's head. The disturbance made her drop the tea she was levitating. The ponies, who were already staring at Starlight for valid reasons, now all stood in shock by the sudden attack. The stallions cheered.

Starlight pinned Rarity to the table, forcing her front legs behind her back. Still not using her magic, she took her hoofcuffs and put them on Rarity, much to the joy of the observing stallions.

"You don't have the power to arrest me!" Rarity shrieked.

"I have the power to intervene!" Starlight shouted. "I have the power to help others! This is justice, Rarity. Your crimes against ponies and non-ponies are over! You're going to where all the unicorn supremacists should be: in the dungeon!"

"Um, Ponyville doesn't have a dungeon..." Rarity blinked in confusion.

"There's one in Twilight's castle," Starlight remarked casually.

"Oh..."

Starlight took the restrained white mare off the table to see her fall on her beautiful face as her front legs could not aid in keeping her standing up. This caught the sexy pink policemare off guard. They were a little distance from Twilight's secret dungeon that was now not-so-secret. Starlight did not want to drag the supremacist all the way there.

"Can't you stand up?" Starlight asked harshly.

"Oh, certainly," Rarity replied sarcastically. "How about you feel how hoofcuffs are behind your back!"

"She's ready! Bang her!" Pipsqueak called from the crowd.

Big Mac was there too, but he said nothing. The bloodtrail that ran from his nose told everything.

"Fine!" Starlight snarled at Rarity. "Consider this me using my unwanted privilege."

Starlight, quite reluctantly, lifted Rarity up in her magic. The crowd cheered as the gorgeous "criminal" was being brought to sexy justice. The policemare could only look disgruntled as she took Rarity to Twilight's castle, forcing her way through the onlookers.

It took a moment before she realized the stallions were following her. When she turned around, the stallions waited excitedly for her to do something.

"You can't follow! You can't watch, you pigs!" she told them.

A collective "awww" rang through the small crowd. They then had their hopes up again as Rarity began posing in Starlight's levitation. Her poses consisted of showcasing her flanks to the watchers. She was enjoying their "oohs" and "ahhs" and "holy Celestia, that's amazing!"

"Hm, I actually quite like the attention, Starlight, darling," Rarity giggled. "Perhaps I should wear hoofcuffs more often?"

"Come on, Rarity," Starlight rolled her eyes. "You're just the first of many to go to the dungeons."

The stallions cheered once more, except Big Mac, who now fell to the ground. He had lost too much blood. Too much blood indeed.

=/=

Author's Note:

Fanart of PC policemare Starlight?

Probably not...but I think Sunburst will like it.

Comments

[badninja]

Oh Rarity you dirty, dirty mare you just played Starlight like a fiddle. At least I hope it was playing her on the whole supremacist thing. Hopefully Starlight get put in the cell for impersonating a peace officer, unlawful detention, and foal napping charges.

[Gapeagle]

7749545 I wouldn't blame Rarity for being a unicorn supremacist. Extreme people make extreme opponents.

And uhh...she's been racist this whole story, so it wouldn't be too surprising.

"Of course they should. Pegasi and birds share the same size brain. How about we put them in bird cages now?" Rarity stated on social media. She was promptly arrested and fined for hate speech.

The Wing Tales

[badninja]

7749555

I thought she was being sarcastic in that comment. Still I bet Starlight will get into some trouble for what she just pulled. I mean she did take a page out of the SJW's handbook and fake a hate crime.

[Gapeagle]

7749596 Don't worry, there's much more coming.

[badninja]

7749599

[Gapeagle]

7749628

This is satire right?

Um, yes? I would think by reading the description, you would get that.

All that is mentioned in this story are actual social controversies of today. I have to say, I have not been able to make it beyond the ridiculousness of real life. I can say that I have tried.

I also have the worldview that you do. The people that are being made fun of are the ones that have a very authoritarian point of view, trying to force people to be true to the new Politically Correct society. You know, Social Justice Warriors.

[Emperor Ing]

Social Justice. The gift that keeps on giving, whether you want it to or not.

[Alondro]

7749209 Funny thing is, the PARTY doesn't want the audit. Jill Stein's pushing for it, and the democrat voters are behind her.

From an AP story just a couple hours ago: "The Obama administration on Friday dismissed the notion that widespread hacking could have influenced the election’s outcome, the New York Times reported. The White House said the results “accurately reflect the will of the American people.”"

The Democratic Party, meanwhile, is reactivating full panic mode. If widespread fraud IS found, no matter which side it's on, that strengthens the case for national voter ID cards, which they REALLY don't want!

[Alondro]

Silly Big Mac, only anime characters can survive losing 10,000 gallons of blood from a lust-induced nosebleed!

The PC police arrest anyone with Mac or Linux...

[Gapeagle]

7750276 no computer jokes please....

"I'll have you know, I've survived countless nosebleeds. I lose a gallon of blood every time I visit Rarity."

[Alondro]

7750294 But it's not a joke! Bill Gates is CRAZY!! If you cross him, he'll ice ya! I have PROOF!

i.huffpost.com/gen/1475718/thumbs/o-BILL-GATES-SOUTH-PARK-facebook.jpg

THERE!! Do you see?

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