The Wing Tales
"I...I don't know how this happened..."
Those were the words of Princess Cadance, ruler of the Crystal Empire, when the Crystal Empire refused to allow pegasi to use crystal birdbaths for bathing. The backlash to such horrid, despicable, awful, and regressive discrimination included trade embargoes, harassment of Crystal ponies, and national shame! Drama in these levels have never been so high since Sombra was ruling with a shadowy hoof!
Impeaching the Princess of Love is now up for consideration as the Equestrians demand justice for this outrage. With Equalists leading the charge, mobs upon mobs of ponies protest in the Empire. The Crystal ponies are going to be more terrified by this than ever under Sombra's horrid reign, but this is for the good of ponykind and progressiveness. This all leaves the question: Should pegasi use birdbaths?
"I have wings, don't I?" said Rainbow Dash to a camera. "Birds have wings too! We're the same! I should do what I want in birdbaths!"
"I was a pegasus," Cadance commented to reporters. "I...I never once thought about using birdbaths..."
"It's stupid ponies are even fighting over this," Moon Dancer remarked to Equestria Daily. "Just cut and burn their damn wings off so that they'll be like everypony else. How 'bout you castrate them while you're at it."
"I totally promote the use of birdbaths for pegasi!" Twilight said to the media. "That's totally, totally not because I'm failing in the polls. NOPE! Not at all!"
"Preposterous! Pegasi using birdbaths? I knew they weren't the most intelligent race, but this takes the cake," Princess Luna wrote in a letter to her still vacationing sister.
"If pegasi get their own baths, can't there be some for earth ponies as well?" Applejack questioned in a interview. "Yeah, and no 'mud baths' jokes please."
"Of course they should. Pegasi and birds share the same size brain. How about we put them in bird cages now?" Rarity stated on social media. She was promptly arrested and fined for hate speech.
"This is only being brought up because pegasi are being restrained by the institution!" Starlight Glimmer said at an Equalist gathering. "If it was unicorns being able to use Yak showers, this would never be brought up! The princesses fear, they hate, they lie against the pegasi. Minorities are being brought down by crony alicorns! Pegasi have the freedom to use birdbaths! Hell, change the damn name too! No longer birdbaths, but just baths! If unicorns try to use birdbaths, well f--- them! They just need to check their privilege!"
"Yeah, what she said..." Sunburst followed up.
If this carries on, the Crystal Empire may be in for a troubled time. Cadance is still holding her position about birdbaths, but is clear she is in the wrong. Yes, she's in the wrong. What? I'm a journalist, I'm not supposed to write facts, are you crazy? The Alicorn Tetrachy continues to be a regressive force preventing rational thinking from saving the country.
"But what did I say?!?!" Twilight burst.
Oh shut it, you're still part of the establishment. That means you can never do anything good in our eyes. We are in the right, you're in the wrong. Suck it, princess!
Oh...I think I'm being fired for that rapist remark against Twilight....oh wait! I'm an Equalist, it's not rape if it's against an alicorn. Booya!
Wait? Where did you come from?!?! I thought you were on vacatio-ow! ow! No not the moon! Anything but the moon! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"Finally..."
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Celestia has had enough! I hope she goes all Gladerial with the one ring on Starlight Glimmer and her cronies! Where can I sign up for her glorious army?
7184968
"You can sign up on Starlight's roasted plot. Please use permanent ink."
This always brings a smile to me whenever I see it, and existential shame because it's true.
7184988
Got my sharpie ready!
7184994 Glad I could be of service.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/11/20/157784__safe_princess+celestia_angry.png
7186333 Celestia gonna roundhouse kick some equalists ASAP
7185211 We should totes tell anorexics that they really do need to lose those extra 40 pounds! And have taxpayers pay for their diet pills!
And that guy ranting about being Napoleon? Hey, if that's what he feels he really is, then let's help him get in costume and take over France! Of course, he still has to lose at Waterloo... but hey, we were inclusive!
And to all those cannibals... humans are edible too, after all! How dare we discriminate against their lifestyle choice! And... there are too many humans anyway! Having people eat each other is a very modest proposal to lower to surplus population!
7197140 That's very interesting.
7197140 I am 27 minutes in and he's describing everything that can be related to someone that can be considered a feminist, social justice warrior, a cultural marxist, or a far Leftist in general. It's scary how on the money he's on.
Edit: At the end, they talk about (modern) Progressivism with essentially the crazy part of the Liberals split themselves off to advertise how good they are. Yeah, I think we're all on the same page here. He's talking about the same people we've been talking about as well. Crazy that video was made a decade ago and we're seeing it all coming to a head..
7207117 Oh yeah, nvm. You just planned on using their crying as a ringtone. Read that wrong. Still disagree with your standpoint, but sorry for jumping to conclusions instead of reading through.
7208260 Above all, the most ridiculous thing is how big the "bathroom wars" have gotten. It's a true war of first world privilege. I mean,, seriously, I've lost all care about which side wins (hint hint, it won't be North Carolina), I just want all the whiners on both side to shut up and use the crapper when they need to crap.
This is what our generation is gonna be remembered for: fighting for the 1-4% of people who use bathrooms. We didn't bring a class of people out from the gutters to glory. We didn't stop any tragedies. We....fought over bathrooms. It's not a battle of rights, it's a battle of convenience. I mean, if trans people were not allowed to use bathrooms AT ALL, I would be appalled and fighting for them. However, that is not the case. This is not a war on rights, but a war on feelings. It FEELS improper for a trans to use the bathroom they were born with. It FEELS improper for them to use the bathroom they identify with. How about people stop FEELING and just use the damn toilet! If ya don't act quick enough, you'll soil yourself.
7208381 They won't. Liberals win these things. NC will give in.
NC loses no matter what happens. Kind of like what happened with Mizzou. After the protests, the university is losing thousands of enrollment. Empty apartments for students are all around town these days. North Carolina is going to be wrongfully tainted with a bias from the extreme left and the extreme right.
7208361 I don't like to get involved in these kinds of arguments, but I do feel I need to step in to clear some stuff out. The topic of Transgender people using bathrooms co-ordinating with the gender they identify with started when trans people were reported being abused and harassed in the bathrooms designated to the sex they were born with. Fearing for their safety, they wanted to use bathrooms based on sexual identity. Imagine a person wearing women's clothing enter's the men's bathroom to use it. Everyone would feel uncomfortable. Now on the other hand, if they walked into a women's bathroom, other women would see the clothing, think 'Oh, another female' and be on their merry way, not caring to take a closer look. No one gets abused. No awkwardness ensues and everyone is happy.
There is a misconception of sexual identity and what it means to be transgender. Some people think it's just about feeling female that allows them to use female or male facilities. But sexual identity is about knowing they are this gender. If a man knows he's a man, then that is his sexual identity. And vice versa for women. But if a women believes and knows she should have been born a man, then male is her sexual identity. It's not about 'Oh, I feel feminine today so I must use the women's bathroom' but instead it's about 'I'm a woman, I identify as female and I should be allowed to use the female bathroom.'
I'm not trying to start another argument, I'm just trying to clear up some misconceptions.
Lulu