• Published 5th Dec 2015
  • 2,830 Views, 844 Comments

I'm Offensive and I Take Offense - Gapeagle

Twilight and her friends arrive at a strange community where everypony seems...off. Whoops, the word "off" is too offensive.

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Microaggressions Galore!

"Are you sure this is the place?"

"Of course, Rainbow. This is exactly where the Map sent us."

"Somethin' seems rotten..."

"The place lacks style, that's for sure."

"I think it looks nice..."

"Everypony, I'm. On. It!"

Pinkie rolled down the hill at a tremendous speed. The other five simply watched her go about, making the coast clear. When she jumped around enough, she silently motioned for them to follow.

The main six ventured closer to the odd little village. Every building was the same with only a single hut at the end out of the two parallel lines of homes. Stranger than that were the ponies themselves. All of them lacked bright colors and all of them had eerie smiles on their faces.

"I don't like those smiles, they're not real," Pinkie remarked.

"I don't like their manes," Rarity coughed. "Do they not have any personal style?"

"What bothers me is all their Cutie Marks," Twilight added. "They are all the same."

The six mares slowly entered the village. Their presence was soon felt by the weird residents of the community. Heads of the bland ponies slowly turned towards them, their smiles retaining full dominance on their faces.

"Ok, I think we should go..." Rarity gulped.

One of the strange ponies approached them and ended his stride only inches from their muzzles. "Hello and welcome to Our Village," he said, keeping his smile on the whole way.

"Good afternoon," Twilight introduced herself. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship."

The stallion's face faltered. "Another princess? I thought Equestria only had three..."

Twilight was about to respond cheerfully, but she was cut off by a pink unicorn mare who shared the same odd smiles.

"Well that's because when you're running an entire nation, you can do whatever you want," the unicorn said with an odd tone.

Twilight blinked in confusion. "What?"

The unicorn ignored her question. "Welcome, I'm Starlight Glimmer, and this is our utopia where everypony is equal. If you are looking for a leader in this place, you shall find none, because we are all equal. However, through unanimous vote, I've been elected the spokesmare of our community."

"Ah, so can you show us around?" Twilight asked.

"Of course! But she can't come with us."

Starlight pointed a hoof at Rarity. The fashionista gestured to herself in confusion.

"Why not?" she asked with shock.

Starlight rolled her eyes while retaining her cheerful tone. "You should know why. You are white, heterosexual female, and worst of all, a unicorn. It would be unequal to let your unicorn privilege be allowed into our village."


Starlight lost her smile. "Don't act so ignorant. You know full well what the greedy unicorns do. They all sit up in Canterlot as the 1% and hog all the money. It is so unequal to have them live in such wealth. They are a part of the oppressive system on the earth and pegasi ponies and species-neutral ponies."

Twilight pointed back. "But you're a unicorn! What about you?"

"It's a tragedy I must live with," Starlight pouted. "I tell everypony that I'm sorry for the horn on my head each day. It's the only way to keep my oppressive traits at bay."

The six mares all looked at each other before giving a collective "what?!" However, their broad question was once again ignored by the pink unicorn.

"Alright, alright," Twilight facehoofed. Let's-"

A gasp rang from the ponies of the village. Starlight glared at them with anger in her eyes. "How dare you do that!" she cried.

"Do what?" Twilight questioned.

"Why, a facehoof! Don't you know that's a microaggressional gesture? How can you be such a jerk, bigot!"

The other ponies nodded in favor of their spokesmare. Twilight sighed in annoyance at their reaction.

"I didn't mean anything by it," she said.

"Oh really? I'm sure all you princesses say that!" Starlight huffed. "You think, with a horn on your head, that you can get away with everything!"

"Ok, I'm sorry," Twilight interrupted. "Now, my friends and I are on a mission. Would you please, please, please let us go through your village?"

Starlight paused before standing upright. "Fine, you may come in, but that white one still cannot come in."

"So much for being equal..."

Starlight lifted a brow. "What? We all are equal here. Come along."

Applejack turned to Rarity. "Ya be alright, sugarcube?"

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Of course, darling. Carry on and watch that mare closely."

"Sugarcube is an offensive term for bakers, bigot!" a pony exclaimed at them.

It did not take long for the remaining five to see just how "equal" all the ponies were. They were all basically the same. They all lived in the same style homes, had the same Cutie Marks, and even the same personalities. It seemed their names were their only separations.

At the end of the village, they entered Starlight's cabin which was taller than the rest. It was odd and out of place, but none of the mares risked upsetting the equal ponies again by pointing this flaw out.

"Lovely place here," Fluttershy said.

"But it's not because I'm a unicorn!" Starlight quickly interjected. "Nope! My place is no lovelier than anypony else's. We are all equal, so we live equally."

"I see..." Rainbow moaned. "All you guys are so weird."

Before Twilight could jab the pegasus with her elbow, the words were already out. However, much to her surprise, the spokesmare took the shot without a reaction.

"Yes, we may be a little, but that's just because of how equal we are," she said cheerfully.

Applejack shrugged. "Why didn't ya get offended by that?"

"Because it was Rainbow who said it. Since she is both a minority and homosexual, she has the earned right to say such things," Starlight answered casually.

"Homo?" Rainbow growled. "What makes ya think I'm a fillyfooler?"

"Why it's because of your rainbow mane and your tomboyish attitude. Don't worry, we don't judge here."

Twilight blinked. "Isn't that stereotyping?"

"Why of course not!" Starlight scoffed. "It's obvious she's lesbian. I...Oh no!"

"Finally," Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"I made you come out of the closest didn't I?" Starlight gasped and tears were forming in her eyes.


"I'm so sorry! You didn't tell your friends yet?"

"I'm not a lesbian!"

Starlight silenced her with a careful hoof. "I'm so sorry. I'll blame my irrational actions on my horrendous unicorn privilege. Please forgive me for revealing your secret."

"You're crazy!" Rainbow yelled at her face.

"You don't have to keep it secret any longer. It's a beautiful thing to know your sexuality. Do not be scared, be proud!"

"I'm straight!"

Starlight's mood changed dramatically. "Straight is not the proper term. There are no "straights." I'll inform you..."

"Shut up!" Rainbow growled. "You're insane!"

"I can tell that the oppression you have faced as a minority must be hard to deal with, but there is no need to be rude. Also, the word "insane" is hurtful to the mentally impaired."

Twilight shook her head. "You do realize that pegasi are 34% of Equestria, right? They aren't a minority."

"Oh, where did you find that stat?" Starlight huffed.

"The census?" Twilight answered awkwardly.

"Of course!" Starlight jumped. "The government messes with the number just to make it look like that. We all know unicorns are the vast majority in both number and culture. It's part of the systematic oppression from the unicorns!"

Rainbow shook her head and whispered in Twilight's ear. "No wonder the Map sent us here..."

"Hehe, uhh, beg ya pardon, Starlight, but this place just doesn't seem our type," Applejack nervously spoke.

"You wouldn't mind if we got a little meeting going, would you?" Twilight asked.

"Of course not! If you all want to visit our safe zone, you can. The Cutie Vault is a great place to be yourself and not be judged or oppressed," Starlight told them in her usually cheerful manner.

"I thought we would just sit by outside if you don't mind," Twilight suggested.

"Starlight, we were trying to have a private meeting, alright?" Applejack frowned at the town's spokesmare, who was in their circle.

Starlight blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. "Oh! My apologies. I was just making sure you weren't trying to seclude yourselves from the rest of the village to use hurtful words or to secretly judge the residents. That would be mean and cruel."

"Yeah..." Twilight rolled her eyes. "No, we are trying to make sense of this place, that's-"

"It's not my fault you can't understand mutli-cultured communities!" Starlight fired up. "You all are too stupidly blind to see the beauty of our equal town. Your racist and homophobic fathers have lied to you about ponies. We all are perfect in our own ways and if you can't accept that, you're the problem!"

"But...umm...shouldn't you guys accept us for not accepting you?" Fluttershy asked.

"Of course not! All ponies are equal and if you think otherwise, well, you're such an idiot and bigot that you can't see truth even if it went up your as-"

Twilight interrupted her. "Starlight! This place is insane! We can't seem to speak, think, or even gesture differently than your ponies. It's like we're all the same!"

Starlight appeared hurt. "How dare you think we're the same! We are all special in our own way. Except cissexual unicorns of course, they aren't special at all."

"I can't believe this..." Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Starlight, you seem offended by everything we say! What about Equestria's rights on speech?" Twilight demanded.

"Ugh! You guys have such overblown egos if you think you're 'freedom of speech' matters to anything. What about our rights? We have the right to be offended and to take action against any who wish to microaggressively harm or oppress other ponies!"

The five looked about to see the residents of the community surround them. They had no smiles on their faces and with every second, take a step closer. A small chant began to rise up between them.

"Do not hate! Do not hate! Do not hate!" they chanted.

"You see, princess, you are a part of a dying breed." Starlight cackled. "Your parents and your friends hold the horrible notions of the past! We are a new worldview that will sweep the nation, one pony at a time. We shall become equal! We shall never hate, hurt, or offend anyone ever again! Ahahaha!"

"Alright, enough of this," Twilight deadpanned.

With a single blast of her magic, Twilight grabbed Starlight in a tight hold. Starlight was taken completely by surprise and was levitated in the air. The equal ponies gasped and ran away at the sight of Twilight's magical prowess.

"Starlight, you're coming with us," Twilight said.

"You're arresting me?" Starlight asked sincerely. "But...But I'm a unicorn! Nopony ever arrests unicorns, only pegasi."

"You keep tellin' yourself that," Applejack groaned.

"Huh!" Starlight beamed suddenly. "That's it! I've finally lost my unicorn privilege! I'm being treated like a minority! This is the best day ever!"

The five friends stopped when they felt an odd sensation on their flanks. Each one of them was not surprised when their Cutie Marks rang with the success of their mission. Rainbow, however, shrugged.

"So the mission was to get a unicorn to believe she wasn't a unicorn?" she asked confusedly.

Twilight shook her head. "I've already stopped trying to understand.

"Yes! I'm free at last! Woohoo!" Starlight partied.


Author's Note:

-Cheers for That!

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