• Published 5th Dec 2015
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I'm Offensive and I Take Offense - Gapeagle



Twilight and her friends arrive at a strange community where everypony seems...off. Whoops, the word "off" is too offensive.

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Bonus: Now For Something Completely Different

Twilight was prancing about with her head high through the semi-desert land. Spike, the poor assistant, was carrying a traveling pack that was at least three times larger than his small and scaly body. He struggled with every step, but kept a cheerful smile on his face.

Where were they going? Well...Perhaps we should just say the Map sent them here? Yes, that'll do just nicely. So, ahem, they were on a journey granted to them by the Cutie Map.

"I think we're lost, Spike," Twilight announced unusually loudly. "I say, we should ask for directions!"

"That sounds reasonable, Princess," Spike panted from behind.

"There!" Twilight boldly pointed. "An old stallion pulling a cart! He'll know where to go."

Twilight slightly quickened her prancing towards the old stallion that was covered in a brown, ugly cloak. The cart appeared to be full of mud, but it could have been something else. The Princess of Friendship did not care, however, and ran alongside the pony.

"Good day, old stallion," she began.

"I'm not a stallion," the pony replied. "I'm a mare, thank you."

"I apologize, from behind you looked awfully like-"

"I'm 32. I'm not old either," the mare continued.

"Well, I just can't call you 'mare,'" Twilight muttered.

"I'm Starlight. You could call me that!" the mare hissed.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Well, I didn't know your name."

Starlight grumbled. "You didn't even try to figure it out..."

"I apologized, alright?"

Starlight stopped pulling the cart. "What I object is that you automatically treat me like an inferior."

"Well, I am Princess!" Twilight replied.

Starlight gave her a sarcastic smile. "Ohhh "Princess," that's very nice!"

"Why are you being so rude-"

Starlight pointed a nagging hoof at Twilight's fluffy chest. "And how did you get that rank, huh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperial dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever gonna be any progress-"

A mare with a curly mane crawled up towards them. "Starlight! There's some lovely muffin filth over here!"

The crazy mare began putting her hooves in the mud before gasping upon seeing Twilight. "How do ya do?"

Twilight forced a smile. "Very good, madame! Let me introduce myself. I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship."

The mare lifted her hooves out of the mud. "Princess of what?"

Twilight blinked. "Friendship!"

"Now what does that make you rule?"

"Why, us!" Twilight responded. "You, her and all around. I rule over you all."

The mare frowned. " I didn't know we had a princess... I thought we were an autonomous collective."

Starlight joined the mare in messing with the muffin filth. "You're fooling yourself, Sugar Belle. We're living under a dictatorship set up by a tetrarchy of alicorn maidens that believe they possess the powers of a god! They are loony! This self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class-"

"There ya go, bringing 'class' into all this!" Sugar Belle huffed.

"But that's what it's all about! It's not my fault that we can never ascend to any leadership positions because we lack some magical nonsense!" Starlight complained.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Please! I am on an important mission! I require you two to grant me directions!"

"Why should we do that?" Sugar Belle demanded.

"Oh!" Twilight huffed. "Just show me your leader! Perhaps she would be kinder-"

Sugar Belle interrupted the princess. "We don't have a leader."

"What?" Twilight and Spike gasped.

Starlight rolled her eyes. "I told you, we are an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns to act as an executive officer for the week. But all decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting by a simple majority in case of internal affairs. But by 2/3's majority..."

"Be QUIET!" Twilight barked. "I order you to be quiet!"

Starlight crossed her front legs in aggravation. Sugar Belle paused from messing with the filth. "Order? Who does she think she is?"

"I am the Princess of Friendship!"

"I didn't vote for you..." Sugar Belle chuckled.

"You don't vote for princesses," Starlight whispered.

Sugar Belle then addressed Twilight. "How'd ya become princess, then?"

Twilight took a deep breath and shifted her pose to be dramatic. "Celestia, the Princess of the Sun, granted me princesshood when I completed Starswirl's spell, which had remained incomplete for a thousand years. Being the only pony to ever complete it, I, Twilight Sparkle, was destined to bring friendship to Equestria!"

Starlight was appalled. "Strange white alicorns from the sun distributing pairs of wings to magical mares is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some stupid solar ceremony."

"Oh will you be quiet!" Twilight hissed.

"And ya ain't bringing 'friendship' anywhere with that attitude!" Starlight mocked.

"I am the Princess of Frienship!"

Starlight shrugged. "You can't expect to wield supreme executive power because some sun-baked, cake-eating twat threw a pair of pretty wings at you for the sake of selling merchandise."

"Shut up!"

Starlight ignored her. "If I went around saying that I was an empress because some narcissistic, gothic bimbo with a moon fetish lobbed a pair of bat wings at me, they'd lock me up!"

"That's it!"

Twilight marched over to Starlight and grabbed her with her magic. Starlight gasped as she was levitated in the air. Her pink legs started flailing about in the magical grasp.

"Now we see the violence inherent in the system!" she panicked.

"Shut up!"

"Come see the violence inherent in the system," Starlight yelled to ponies that were around. "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

"You bloody, insolent mare!"

"What a giveaway!" she pointed a hoof at Twilight. "Did you not hear that?"

Twilight dropped the mare into the muffin filth. "You're not worth my time! I don't need your directions! I am the Princess of Friendship! I can last without your help."

Sugar Belle and Starlight delightfully watched the princess and her dragon go away. Sugar Belle then returned to messing with the filth that was on the ground.

"Oi! I think we hit the jackpot, Starlight! This is gonna be a good batch of muffins!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, maybe the best yet," Starlight grinned.

~

Author's Note:

We apologize for the plagiarism of "Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail." The writer of this chapter has been thoroughly and utterly sacked.

We will return to normal chapters after these messages.

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