I'm Offensive and I Take Offense

by Gapeagle

Dragon Hackers

"Luna, I think the dragons have hacked us," Celestia stated dramatically as she sat on her throne while Luna looked at her from the bottom of the throne's wide steps.

Luna raised a hoof to respond, but then lowered it. "Um...Tia....do they even have computers?"

Celestia looked at her sister deeply before shrugging. "I don't know. But they did it though."

This made Luna rub the back of her neck in confusion. "Um, where's the evidence?"

Celestia's face light up. "Oh! Right here!" she pointed a hoof at a newspaper. "Shining Armor said they did!"

"Um...alright....How does he know?"

"Stop asking so many dumb questions!" Celestia spat. "Don't you see? This is bad! The dragons are mean, pathetic bullies! We should put trading sanctions on them and throw Spike out of the country. That'll teach them!"

Luna gave her sister a startled look. "What? They don't even trade. What will a sanction do..."

"DID I STUTTER?!?!" Celesia roared at her sister.

Luna blinked. "What?"

"SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN! I DARE YA! I DOUBLEDARE YA-"

---

"So they kicked you out?"

Spike nodded. His face showed absolute boredom as he sat on a brown rock in the Dragon Lands with Dragonlord Ember sitting next to him, dangling her long blue legs and toying with the Bloodstone Scepter in her claws.

"Yeah, they kicked me out cause I'm the dragon representative to Equestria..." Spike sighed.

"Sucks, comrade," Ember shrugged. "But this is what freedom does to beings. It makes them hella stupid."

He looked up at her. "So, did you guys, you know, actually hack Equestria?"

"Yeah!" Ember laughed. "With one of these too!"

She handed him a small plastic object. Spike took the object and inspected it. It was bright blue and green with a flashy red light on top and fake plastic buttons scattered all over it. Upon the side were some cheaply marked letters.

"Hackertool 9000?" he read. "Where ya get this?"

"From what you ponies call a 'Hayburger Happy Meal,'" Ember answered proudly. "My best agents snatched it right under your pony-freedom-loving muzzles!"

"And you used this to hack our systems?" Spike was flabbergasted. "What were you looking for?"

Ember looked away, blushing. "Tacos...."

=~=

Comments

[HiddenMaster]

Yup.

Makes as much sense as what's been happening in the our world, at least.

[Georg]

It has to be true. Celestia said so.

And Behold, the Dragonlord Who Passed On The Scepter didst speak to the Dragonlord on many and divers things, such as corn and taco sauce. Three days did they labor in the sweltering darkness of the ovens until on the fourth day, the Dragonlord did bring forth a platter of inestimable goodness and presented it to the dragons assembled with a glad cry.

"Rejoice, for Spike hath cooked us both Tacos and Nachos!"

And the dragons rejoiced!

[Gapeagle]

7839099 And the dragons drank much fire breathing vodka that night.

[badninja]

You know what makes me sad, that people where not righteously infuriated over what was revealed in the hacks. People are mad that the Russians hacked us, not what they revealed. You know what if a conversation bureau where to suddenly exist I would consider taking the potion just get away from how incompetent the voting public is in America. It makes me wonder what the dragons where sharing from the hacks; Celestia's cake budget, her super secret porn collection, or her plans for Starlight Glimmer?

[Gapeagle]

7839193 All the Russian hackings are a distraction. They did not hack "America" they hacked the DNC. They exposed Democrat corruption like a journalist should. In no way is that destroying our democracy. Obama is simply trying to make things as bad as possible for Trump because he is a petty, ignorant man. He knows what he is doing is wrong and unfounded, but he doesn't care.

The Russian hacks did not harm our election. It gave light to it. The Russians did not rig the election, so they actually did nothing wrong. The DNC is not the government, it is not even the CIA or any intelligence bureau.

I love also that the DNC for most of the election was like "we were not hacked. We have nothing to hide!" And now they scream they were hacked and do not deny the emails or the scandals revealed. Not once are they saying "the Russians are lying about us." So that means what the Russians found were true and deserved to be shown to the public.

[Enduring Man-Child]

[Alondro]

7852728 It's mah property! Ah kin burn as many sticks as ah want! Murica, ferk yeah!

[Ganondad42]

7839776 As soon as I read the first line I fell over laughing

[Gapeagle]

7896546 The best of connections

Heil Kek

[the space marine brony]

7896719 img.4plebs.org/boards/pol/image/1459/84/1459843883343.jpg

[Gapeagle]

7914477 I saw that earlier today. Today is a glorious day for Kek indeed my brethren.