• Member Since 11th Jun, 2015
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

RenaissanceDreemurr


Upon every variable that can come out of this world alone, this such one was that of a unique and beautiful irregularity that I fell in love with. MLP is that special to me.

T
Source

In the depths of Mt. Ebott, a voice through Space-Time echoed softly through the cavern, and in its center where daylight shone through, lay a flower patch where a young soulless monster sat glumly. Suddenly the monster is thrown into a world where peace and Harmony reign.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 126 )

Such an amazing piece of literature fills me with DETERMINATION.

You're the second thing related to Undertale on this entire website... Congrats.

I look forward to reading much more of this. :twilightsmile:

I want a crossover where fluttershy is sent to the underground

Looks good, but you could really use an editor.

6590213 I guess you could say that this site is pretty BARE BONES when it comes to undertale stories!

....

Thank you, I really appreciate the encouragement. I will continue writing this and see where it goes.

I can't help but imagine something like this happening.
Fluttershy: I wanna be a tree.
Asriel: Trust me, being a plant is not as good as you think

Hey, kiddo, you need an editor? This looks like a nice story, although it's riddled with mistakes upon mistakes and awkward sentences - can I interest you in my services?

It's a beautiful day outside.
Birds are singing, flowers are blooming...
On days like these, authors like you...
S h o u l d b e w r i t i n g i n h e l l


But seriously, this shows potential, it just needs some polishing.

6597399 Maybe you could help out with the editing and make the story Sans-sational.

6597399 I would be much interested in such a proposition, I however have no idea as of how to send this to you for editing.

Comment posted by Joker_F5 deleted Nov 4th, 2015

The grammar could use a little work, but my desperation for another Undertale fic on this site will keep me reading.
If you want any help with grammar or anything, shoot me a PM. I'll be glad to help.

I like the general idea of this story, I was one of the people who was so disappointed and unhappy when at the end of the pacifist ending everyone's favorite little goat flower monster was doomed and there wasn't a way to save him. However, I think thus far the general characterization at this point has been exceptionally poor. Many of Fluttershy's lines sounded so much like they belonged to Twilight that it was her voice I heard when reading, not Fluttershy's. Fluttershy does not strike me as the kind of pony who would know why Everfree is resistant to fire, much less use words like magus. Not to mention, the very instant Asriel mentioned he was a monster, Fluttershy should have zipped back to the far wall and been very slow and reluctant to approach Asriel until he would eventually try to leave, filled with sadness.

On Asriel himself, I have a very hard time envisioning him attacking anyone, since he refused to fight back against humans to the point it killed him, much less doing so with his final form's attacks. I can see him having his family's fire magic, and even Flowey's death pellet circle, but I see him taking Frisk's aversion to violence to heart and not using a single attack unless a bit of Flowey was resurfacing (which could be a potential point of conflict for you to utilize). If you want, what in my opinion, is a really good representation of Asriel after the game, I'd strongly advise you read through this blog, Dreemurr-Reborn, as it shows him both happy, yet mournful and huanted by his past actions in several ways.

I've got to criticize the last character to appear in your story thus far. Rainbow Dash, and while I agree with the statements saying that these characters are not defined by their elements, Dash would never give up on Fluttershy that easily. Firstly, lets remember that Fluttershy is argueably Dash's oldest friend, as she has been sticking up for the shy little filly since they were both foals. Secondly, you had Dash give up after only one comment from Fluttershy, and her argument wasn't even a strong one, "you can't abandon them, Scootaloo, Twilight and the others." to which we should have instantly had Rainbow Dash explode, "What about you!? That's exactly what you're doing!"

This specific point is weak for all characters involved. Fluttershy loves animals true, and has put herself in harms way accidentally before to help them, but she likely would not get herself killed over trying to save a few, especially when she knows for a fact, via Rainbow Exposition, that she has no chance of helping. Rainbow, as previously mentioned would not limply give up, but would argue and rage against this decision, I can even see her potentially using force to make Fluttershy flee to safety. Lastly is Asriel, who was sitting this conversation out for some reason. As someone as old and experienced as he is, despite his looks, he would have argued strongly in Rainbow's favor. He knows loss very well and would not stand by and let Fluttershy stupidly sacrifice herself like this, knowing the pain of loss as well as he does. At this point in time his self worth is still very low and he would no doubt offer himself up for the job instead of Fluttershy, seeing as his life should already be over, why not use it to save someone else's friend?

Again, this story has massive potential for you to both explore the character that is Asriel, and help give him a more satisfying ending, teach him to love and value himself again, and banish his lingering demons in a world of magic and friendship. I know this might seem daunting, and perhaps impossible, but in order to reach that true happy ending you need to have determination.

TL:DR Work on characterization, a lot, and check out the link.

Man, I didn't expect it to get this far... thank you guys for liking and critiquing this, I appreciate it.

6598981 well, for that, people normally use google docs

*The Second Fan Fiction about Undertale at all to come out ever on Fimfiction has begun.
*You are filled with DETERMINATION

6605251 Temmie is... off, for lack of a better description, which is what makes him hilarious

6605410
It would be so funny seeing the main 6 react to temmie

6605416 It would also be funny just listening to what temmie would say to everyone he meets. especially when he gets the money to go to college and just leaves his face behind.

Reading this good story despite the grammar errors fills me with determination. :rainbowdetermined2:

Comment posted by Joker_F5 deleted Nov 8th, 2015

Knowing that people want you to keep this fic going... it fills you with determination.

The existence of this story fills you with deTemmienation

6605427 Did the detemmienation help?

Chapter two is underway, it should be done this week.

(Your comments and likes fill me with DETERMINATION.)

6615065 :pinkiehappy: *sends you the boss theme for Asriel's God Of Hyperdeath form to motivate you further.*

Nice concept, but the grammar mistakes and poor characterization (see GasmaskBrony's comment below) are all preventing me from truly enjoying it. I applaud you on writing one of the early Undertale crossovers on this site, but I can't say that I love this story.

6615191 :pinkiesmile: *sends Song That Might Play When You Fight Sans* I also have a favorite song to keep me motivated and to motivate others with the fac t that sans could appear around the corner and give you a bad time at any given moment.

Memories began to pop up, of his mother and father, how he betrayed them, tried to kill them in his feverish ideals of 'Kill or be killed.'he had hurt them all.

Actually if you do a genocide play-through you find out that Flowey/Asriel has killed his parents many many times over, as well as everyone else in the underground.

Also for the real villain of Undertale and Ideas for an Antagonist for Asriel, I suggest reading up on Chara's true nature in the Undertale wiki.

I think Asriel and Spike are going to be very great friends.:trollestia:

6622315 Sometime, the power of reset make me sad.
Like a loop.

Comment posted by RenaissanceDreemurr deleted Nov 19th, 2015

Ah, I forgot to review this, didn't I? Pardon, I will review this quickly enough and send you any changes through Private Messages.

Twilight's code is pi. Pi sounds like pie. Toriel makes pie. Therefore it's a message to princess Celestia code toriel. (Insert illuminati conspiracy here)

6633766

LOL, I wasn't thinking of that but I love it.

I like the joke on how Asriel does not like being called a kid as in baby goat :rainbowlaugh:

Hoo boy, this needs to some editing for grammar. Other than that, I'm enjoying this so far.

Please be careful with the grammar

Over a 1,000 view! Thank you guys for all of the support, can't tell you enough how this fills me with DETERMINATION.

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