- Member Since 6th Jan, 2013
- online
Jamin P Rose
I write fetish clopfics and other things. Commissions: Not Open, working on existing commissions.
Jamin P Rose
Joined 6th Jan, 2013 ·
Online
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I just ate, yet after reading this I'm suddenly hungry again.
The fic was decent, (i cant write a story to save my life) but Two things bothered me:
Firstly its pretty short, I realise that it was only a one shot but you cant really write a clopfic on just sucking dick, nothing much happens.
If the fic had more than just giving twilight a BJ, it would have been a lot better.
Secondly , the fic was pretty repetitive, the word "cock" was used 33 times
I know i seem like one of those picky reviewers on this site that complain about minor spelling errors or a single missing comma but i just felt like having my say.
overall i give it 3 angry twilights out of 5
(enough for a thumbs up)
You overuse the word "cock", "veins", "feeling/feel" and "lick/licking" to the point where I had to stop before the third paragraph to type this. Get a thesaurus or something, learn some new vocabulary.
Also, I'm not going to sugar coat this, but the tone is flat and cold. It's because you approach it as though you're describing a lab experiment and not a sensual or lusty act; it's too objectively written. There's no creative use of language, no metaphor or simile, no change of pace or sentence length to symbolize bringing Twilight closer to orgasm (that would've been effective.) In fact, there's barely any change in sentence length whatsoever, and that makes the whole thing feel dull.
But seeing as your wrote this this morning without much planning or editing, it's not awful. And I didn't notice any grammatical errors, so that's a big plus. Writing in present tense is also more difficult than past tense, so I thought that was pretty ambitious.
Overall, if the objective of this piece was to entice arousal, it simply fails to, due to being plagued by over-repetitive vocabulary and cold mechanistic descriptions throughout.
In future, consider the objective of the piece you write, and what mood you're trying to bring out. Then, read back over your piece once you've written it, and consider whether it flows nicely, whether there is too much of the same word being used etc. Best of luck with your future writing :)
Elegantly put.
Pretty much everything Fail Trail said. Broaden your vocabulary. Read other clopfics to get a sense of how to make is sensual rather than a step by step guide.
Something I learned: A lot of people claim clopfics are easy--WRONG! If anything, clopfics are the hardest types of stories to write. A clopfic isnt about just sex. A clopfic is just as emotional as it is physical. Being as descriptive as possible is key. What are the characters feeling? What are they doing? How do they reaction to the sensation? Build up is also very important, as in any story. Build up slow, and ease the reader into things. Don't throw them in pants or no pants and expect them to like it, you have to ease them into.
This fic has a title that pretty much sums up the "guy with tits" archetype all in one go xD
Bet it'll appeal to quite a few to get the chance to suck his dick though :P
And hm, going off the comments, it seems like you could polish up a bit on what terms you use. A tip might be to only ever try to use the same word once per sentence. Or every two sentences. Else you might know you are doing a bit too much dick worship for his cock x3
6387443 Small question: Do you actually know what "futa" means?
6387443
Dude it's a chick with a dick not a dude with tits. If it was a dude with tits it'd be really gay, but if it's a chick with a dick it's not.
It felt more like bestiality then sex between two sentient beings. Sorry for being so harsh but that's how it reads/feels to me.
6391916
You actually have a good point. I never thought about that until now. I may try to edit it and make it seem less so, that is when I have some time to do so.
6389420 Yes, but considering it rarely means the same for all people, as many mix it together with herm, or see them as opposite things. I can never be sure a person that use it means what it actually means.
Also: Jebus, my comment is not meant as a mocking one or whatnot, I just find it amusing how accurate the title is. It's literally "out there".
6391216 A "chick with a dick" IS a "guy with tits". That's just the most common futa archetype used in porn. (I've given thorough explanations of this archetype several times.) It's literally just a male supplement. They took a dick, then slapped a feminine body onto it. And have it act like any generic porn male. Many just call them female pronouns out of habit, or to avoid it "seeming gay". Which is stupid. As regardless of what you call a character, it's still the same base concept. It's a feminine body with a penis (and occasionally vag), with a male identity, with the sole purpose to be the "guy" in porn, so the male viewer has something to relate/identify/project to/as/on. They're literally "fetish fuel" 90+ % of the time.
While this example is kinda silly, it's pretty true. It's just a fetish. There's nothing inherently orientation wise about it. (bar well, it's almost exclusive to straight males) It's extremely rare for a futa/herm character to try and be more than just the "stand-in male". And generally, most that freak out about the whole "no-homo" deal around futa, would imo need to work a bit with their self-esteem... I think that's the one... or self-security. Not 100. Either case, futa (in porn) are just a tool for males. It's a fetish. And there's nothing wrong with having it.
But yeah, while a stupid internet thing, a massive futa fan friend of mine linked me this And tbh. Like my friend says: That's not too far off some futa fans. Like, seriously, it only starts to come off as gay, when someone makes a big fuzz about it. But again: Not like it matters or not, it's a fetish. It has one primary purpose.
Trailed off a bit here, sorry page owner ^^'
Wish I'd been able to contribute more critique wise.
6393644 Thanks for summoning it all up and clearing the mud out of the picture.
6533398 Eh, not sure how well I succeeded. I tend to not be the best at describing things xP
6533413 If it wasn't perfect, but good enough to remind me of a group I am on, which will help a story on the theme forwards.
If I got it right, the Futa would be an incomplete Herm?
6533415 Okies~
And technically... (as they lack the "little extra" to be a herm) but not really. They're kind of their own thing. Visually, a herm has both genitals and (should) look like a mix of both. But the most common is just adding a male genital to a female. Futa on the other hand only has a male one.
The main thing to take into account is the "identity" of the character. The most common futa, that 90+ % of all porn use is the "guy with tits" as said. Which is basically just using the standard male personality in porn, but placing it in a feminine body. It's a "supplement dude", only difference is that they have nicer curves, and most straight guys find them to be "less gay". Futa as a whole aren't female nor male. But many of them get assigned a "gender identity". So most are in a sense transgender characters. And most people like said, as ex: Blackguyjr, exclusively use futa that identity as male. (as, they're not into lesbian) as that's what he use them as: Curvy men :P (same goes for several others like Atryl and etc) It's a simple way to get a guy into something, along with some T&A without one of them being some fat, bald dude, or some buff douche xD But yeah, it's why they got their own tag at most sites. (doesn't stop people from incorrectly tagging it as lesbian or some shit though, but you know...)
A very well written story about sucking cock through the eyes of a cock worshipping pony. It helped me, er, do my duty, so I give it a thumbs up
6386458 Well, what'd you expect this to be about anyways? The title is called Sucking off Twilight's Big Futa Dick. Not much as gonna happen other than that lol. But great detail, helped me do my business! Thumbs up!