Fluttershy comes and tells me that she and the rest of the Humane 7 are trapped in this world and need help getting back to Equestria.
Chapters (10)
- Member Since 29th Jul, 2015
- offline last seen 29 minutes ago
Dark Nightshade
I like to do occasional crossoves, and I can now draw. Just PM me if you want me to draw or wright something! I'm on Wattpad, check me out: https://www.wattpad.com/user/Dark-Nightshade
Dark Nightshade
Joined 29th Jul, 2015 ·
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Sequels1
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Dark Nightshade · 9.5k words · 12 5 · 546 views
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- Dark Nightshade · 9.5k words · 12 5 · 546 views
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Pretty good a few errors though i sugest a proof reader
6347955
Ok. Thank you. First comment!!!!!
Good start. Can't wait to see what happens next!
6348051
Thanks for the like, comment, and favorite.
I don't consider myself a reveiwer or anything, but i'm gonna clear some things up and try to get you writing content that is of higher quality (I don't mean to say this is low-quality, especially for a first fan fiction!)
Alright, first-off, in the first few lines: "Where you in the color run?" Where refers to a place as in, 'Where is California?' the word you would want to use is 'Were', which refers to a past-tense action. I don't doubt that this was your intention to write, but the word's miss-spelling means a lot, a single letter is all it takes for an entire paragraph to not be read correctly.
Next, speech referrals. But you may be asking, 'But Kruz, I had speech referrals in the dialogue!' and thus you did, but there needs to be at least one per line. No, that is not a typo, ONE. PER LINE. OF. DIALOGUE. It may be a large fault of my own, but I got terribly lost halfway through the dialogue twice. But do not fret! Dialogue referrals can be fun some times! you can have them in the middle! "It doesn't matter" I dismissed "Now back to the point." They can be at the start! I shifted so I could face this mystery girl. "Ok, first of all, this isn't my real skin color..." And you already know that they can go at the back.
Third, these characters seem like motionless, floating heads that are speaking to each other in monotone voices, especially Fluttershy, since everyone in the fandom knows what she is supposed to be like, how she acts, how she speaks and most importantly, how she sounds in our heads when we read her lines. This is coupled by the fact that she wasn't described as pretty, or gorgeous, or even average (Your story, your rules), her hair color, which I honestly think would be the most definite feature about her, or the clothes she was wearing (My head-canon is that Human Flutters wears a light yellow, hand knitted sweater that is a little too long on her arms with a pair of brown track pants, again, your story, your rules). I can't really give an example of writing what a body type looks like, everyone does it differently, so you will have to find your own writing style.
Alright, here is the big one: Extend!
I can tell you right now that there is a measly 491 words in this chapter, and that isn't very much. Barely enough to write a fifth-grade essay, in fact. So what do you do to increase the word count? Write the thoughts of the characters down, what they are feeling, how they speak, how the dust on their skin makes them feel (HINT!) add pauses, add more dialogue, add more establishment! Simply put, treat it like a rough draft is an essay that needs a few hundred extra words. The first person might be a little difficult for this if you don't really know how to express emotion in writing (Something that I personally have trouble with.)
Bottom line? never publish work right after you finish it! NEVER EVER DO THAT ON YOUR DEATH-BED! give it a night to clear your head, two if need be and re-read it! make corrections, fix things, come into the work with a new mind. Why? because you brain tells itself what you thought you wrote and your eyes don't see the issue, like that 'Where/were' issue above.
Now that thats over, I can give you my ideas on the story itself:
I like the premise, Pony-on-earth has always intrigued me more than Human-in-Equestria ever did and i'm thrilled to see another topic on the matter, especially since the author of the stories that i'm reading on this genre have sadly, moved on. Don't let me dissuade you with my wall of text above, writing is fun, and it can be for everyone who puts effort into their stories, but it is also one of the hardest things to get into, butnkeep pushing, and you might even do this professionally one day.
ONWARDS TO CHAPTER 2!
Sadly, the same problems seem to be present since the last chapter, so I will not bother re-writing what I said in the first chapter (It took me like, twenty minutes to write that, by the way.)
Too quick! too quick! TOO QUICK! This chapter ALONE could be extended by at least a thousand words, and the chapter break isn't even really all that necessary. Writing isn't a race, Rome wasn't built in a single day, but it burnt to the ground in a single day, so slow it down and follow what I said back in chapter 1's comments and please, PM me, I would like to proof-read for you, maybe even console you on extending what you've already shown us.
Please PM me, you have promise and a raw talent, contrary to popular belief, publishing your work after you've been shot down like I have is one of the hardest things to do, and I REALLY don't want this to end before its even begun , so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PM ME!
6350456
Ok, what kind of advice do you have?
doctor who reference I think
6357156
Yes, it I a doctor who reference.
that was funny, but I wonder, how is snackintosh brought out, baking. Also I'm going to guess there is more personalities that he doesn't know of and what is the hidden one
Different personality disorder? Hmm sounds interesting btw how do you make it less than1000 words? I noticed in some stories people only make them at least 700 in the first chapter how can I do that?
6381943 Snackintosh is brought out by baking, and the hidden one, we just call him the malevolent one, or Mel for short.
6381973
Just try to extend it, or maybe even get a prof reader.
6384907 Ok thanls
I really wanted to know what happened
6495639 I'm hoping I'll be able to publish the next chapter soon-ish.
That just cracked me up,
6632676 Good. I like making people laugh.
cdn.breitbart.com/mediaserver/Breitbart/Big-Government/2014/Barack-and-Michelle/obama-crying-reuters.jpg
The goverment is not evil.The goverment will give back because they know the pony came from other dimension which they think will hit them anywhere.Just show the high tech suit and they will give them back because the fear of ponies human with hi tech suit and the ability to teleport anywhere.
lol
Why is Fluttershy talking so calmly to a stranger? She should b hesitant right? She is shy after all and shouldn't she be whispering like she does in the show?
6657963 Oh, good point.
Who made the cover art, and where can I find him/her?
8364507
I'm not sure. I found the picture on Google.