EpicBronyPower
Joined 24th Jul, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Alex Warlorn · 79k words · 205 9 · 5.7k views
- k12314 · 69k words · 339 24 · 9.1k views
- Bluecho · 109k words · 426 27 · 6.6k views
- Gravitiaxis · 57k words · 358 25 · 13k views
- DarkJester · 4.2k words · 165 10 · 10k views
- EternalShadow54 · 27k words · 24 2 · 1.8k views
- dontexistanymoresorry · 31k words · 441 51 · 9.6k views
- maxxxxxx · 20k words · 161 16 · 2.9k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.087 seconds
Total duration
1,040 users online
1,993,670 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
A fic about a war in Equestria? Wow, perhaps we'll get a scarring drama about the horrific effects of war, and the psychological impact it can have on...
Explosions, guns and edginess, we're going with that angle.
Such edge, because war is super duper edgy and all.
The plot developed a bit to fast.
6244859 "A bit"? I think it broke the sound barrier, it moved so dang fast.
6244721
I've learned to never expect anything less here. It leads to less disappointment.
Side note, if you're serious about wanting that kind of story, check out the game Spec Ops: The Line some time.
6244969 I would, if my PS3 hadn't died on me a year ago.
Damn, 16 downvotes and not a single upvote.
A perfect example of "Did not do the research."
Map of Equestria
(That's just one of many issues with this story, though.)
6245160 Yup, Either This story is Just THAT BAD, Or a trollfic.
Equestria in war time? How long did it take to come up with such an original premise?
wow...just WOW, How original
6245218
Christ that picture is tiny.
Whoa there, I haven't even read
the prologuethe first chapter yet. Maybe move that to the bottom? Or just not have it?Yeah, that seems like the right tone. No biggie. Just slap a couple Band-Aids on there and take some Tylenol. You'll be fine by morning.
'Cause she's just hardcore like that.
I've always said the worst part of flesh-rending, bone-exposing bullet holes is how warm your skin gets afterward.
"I mean, come on. It's not like the world is being engulfed in bloody Armageddon around us."
They liked it so much, in fact, they didn't even have to discuss it.
"I mean, we've already proven my wings are the superior offensive weapon."
"See, Pinkie? I knew a little walking would cheer you up."
Even the chapters are using secret identities.
"Don't worry, I'm sure my shouting won't a) make them shoot us faster, or b) draw anyone else to our location! Plus, I can say all that in way less time than it takes to pull a trigger!"
"I mean, come on, sarge, we can't shoot unless they can get a clear shot at us, too."
Because
fistshooves are faster than bullets.You do know author's notes are optional, right?
"What's this? A pegasus with a blood-soaked wing bandage and an earth pony with an uzi? Must be a new fashion trend."
I can't believe I completely forgot about that time five seconds ago we were walking to Canterlot instead of flying with my wing that's wrapped in a blood-soaked bandage while Pinkie Pie carries an uzi!
I would have gone with the castle, but you're right, Equestria's leaders don't need to know their country is currently being invaded by a hostile force that has already killed four national heroes, one of whom is a princess. I mean, it's not like they know the rulers that well anyway.
"Yeah, can I get some Tylenol for my wing?"
Huh. Neat.
One big question, what caused this war? Generally war stories have some sort of lead up to the war rather than the enemy simply invading. I feel like your beginning should be a couple chapters in. Who is invading Equestria and bringing about this death and destruction. Is it an enemy of Equestria or is it just a bunch of guys who materialized out of thin air and decided to invade for the fun of it? To make this a good war story you need to go WAY more in depth as to what is going on. Rather than simply saying that Twily, AJ, Fluttershy and Rarity have been killed, how about you have that scene as part of your story. I would think that the death of four major heroines would be something that would actually play out in the story.
No offense but I think the best thing you could do with this story is start from scratch. Read other war stories and see how they progress and how things play out and you really need to describe who the enemies are and why they invaded. Hell create a foreign land who is Equestria's enemy (as I did with my Terror in Equestria series) and give it the Alternate Universe tag if you have to or have the Crystal Empire have a falling out with Equestria which would cause a war.
6245108
A moment of silence for your system.
"This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before."
-Butt Head
Hey I'm only 11 so just give me a break ok.
StormLuna, I love your ideas! Don't worry, because I have a few tricks for the next few chapters.
awesomeshit.ninja/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/abraham-lincoln-dildo-quote-meme.jpg
6245938 Nice try. If it's a hugbox you're after, then I think Fanfiction.net is a better fit for you. Here, we have standards, and we understand the importance of criticism.
6246067 Here's the thing though, you can put good ideas into a story but given the way your story has started, it probably won't help the story as a whole that much. Like I had said earlier, you may want to just start from scratch. Give the war a back story, who started it, why did it start, have the events prior to the war play out so your audience will get a good feel for it.
Also, what you have going on here seems more like a few enemy insurgents attacking than an actual war given that the action is so quick and the number of enemies seems to be so few. I think this could have potential if you give it the things that I noticed. Also, it would be great if you would have the leader behind the enemy forces play a role (Sombra, Chrysi, Nightmare Moon, etc.) I also think that having the enemy forces behave in a more tactical manner would make for a great story. Ok, I know the suggestions I am giving you would probably transform this into something that would be completely different than what you are trying to do here but it is just an idea. I'm not saying you have to turn it into a novel where you have ordinary interactions between commanders and soldiers being a large part of it but showing how the enemies are pursuing the protagonists from their perspective would be quite interesting as well.
Also, I'm going to let you in on something. You seem to be doing a whole lot of telling but not much in the way of showing. I had that problem with my first couple stories. Don't take the criticism too personally. I'll admit, I used to do that and nearly have a coronary if I thought criticism that was given to me was something other than constructive.
Just give my suggestions some thought. I'm not saying you have to start from scratch but I'm thinking that if you were to and elaborate on the things I mentioned, you could get a lot of those downvotes turned into upvotes.
Wow, this fanfiction was not well received. Thank God its only 3000 words or I would feel bad for you.
Look at it this way though, you got 22 comments along with not a single like. Thats like a record, right?
Glass half full, glass half full
spontaneoussmiley.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/glas-half-full.jpg
6245938
You need to be at least 13 in order to have a profile and post stories on this site.
After seeing so many dislikes, I wanted to read your story and let me tell you right away, it's not good. Like, really not good. But, I am not going to bash you for it, considering both your age and your genuine attempt at a fic here (and if it was a troll fic then consider me fooled), so i will try to point out the problems and give you a few tips how you can fix them.
First off, the pacing. It is way too fast. Your story seems to be going a mile a second with no sign of stopping. The events happen way too quickly and erratically for anyone to follow. You need to slow down your story by either adding lengthier descriptions or some character development, which brings me to your next issue:
Character development. Or should I say, lack thereof. You see in any good story we need to understand the characters, see their thought process in order to feel for them. Unfortunately this fic is severly lacking in that area. Rainbow Dash is acting way too disconnected from it all, especially when nearly every scene we see her in she is just blasting things into smithereens (which is admittedly cool, but you need to space it out more). The only small shred of her character shown in this fic is her interaction with the corpse of Twilight Sparkle, but that's it. You had some fantastic (allbeit incorrect by map) set up when they went through the Everfree forest. you could have had a nice chat about how remorsful of her friends death both RD and Pinkie are, but instead you chose another fight scene. This pulls the audience out of the story and leaves them unsatisfied in the end. Plus RD is way too calm and unfazed through a lot of the fic and that creates a major problem that weighs this whole fic down.
Third: the abundance of nonsensical twists. From Twilight's resurrection to Big Mac being a 'man on the inside' (which didn't make sense at all) and culminating in Discord being the head honcho of the rebels. Discord, I could see, but his reasoning was rather uncharacteristic of him. You made him a stereotypical megalomaniac with a thirst for power, which is fine, f not a bit too cliche, but then you have him do all sorts of nonsense. For example: Why the buck did he bring Twilight back? What was his reasoning? He could've destroyed RD then and there, but nope let's give her Twilight. It doesn't really make sense in the great scheme. You could have added a quest here and prolonged the story. For example, you could have made RD and Pinkie Pie meet up with a wise Dragon or even with the Princesses to find a potion to bring the Mane Four back. Speaking of which, where were the Diarchs during this? They could have helped greatly and yet you left them to the wayside. That's another big strike against your stories.
Fourth: Why were those ponies supporting Discord? Last I checked they didn't quite fancy him. Di he do something to them? If so, then show it! Show as much as you can, don't leave too much to speculation (unless you're making a very specific type of story, but this isn't one of those).
And the final grief I have with this fic: the utter anticlimax of an ending. It was way too rushed and it had one of my least favorite tropes: Deus ex machina. If you're gonna bring back the others from Mane Six, have Twilight mix up a potion or conjure a very difficult spell. Anything would be better than just: poof! They're alive again. It defeats the purpose of their death and it's kinda implying that you don't know how to write their character and you just left them out simply because it was convenient. It doesn't have to be the true case, but that's the impression you leave when pulling this trope.
I hope you find my advice at least somewhat useful. I am not trying to attack yo here, but I am simply trying to better you as an author. Writing a good story takes a lot of time and effort. Use this experience to show you what not to do and how to better yourself as an author. You're young so it's not a big deal. Not everybody is born great, but we all can achieve greatness. best of luck to ya in the future
Lunaexcelsior, thanks for the great tips!
6264409 Glad I could help
6264409 Well, you're receptive to criticism and suggestions, which is always a good sign in a writer. Your story did have a lot of potential, but the problem was just that it was executed terribly. If you take people's criticism and advice here on board for your next fic, I think you still have the potential to write something good. Don't get disheartened, and good luck!
6245938 Eleven years old, you say? And the site requires you to be thirteen to join, hmm?
Curious. Most curious indeed.
...Oh... that's all I can say.
6244908 What the hell was that?!
Oh, is this fanfic's plot... It had gone into plaid...!
That is the least most descriptive description I have ever seen. It literally just says
"Heyyouyesyoutheresawargoingonandthemane6havetostopitfromtherebelsandnooneissafewellbye!"
I dont want the description looking like something Pinky Pie would write.
6380773
Your tied with someone else for the best comment I have seen on this site.
It isn't a war, it's playing CoD on Recruit Difficulty
Well lookie at what we got here. A sympathizer! But who cares when there are thirty seven down-votes? Whup, make that thirty eight now.
6245160
So in regards to you camment:
Damn is an understatement.
Yes, that seems logical.
Because there is no way you can get shot from behind stacks of hay.
No REALLY?
I guess you thought wrong.
Why don't just say "FIRE" and shoot the damn ponies. It's not like counting will change anything.
So after killing a bunch of ponies, you can fly again? Hmm.
*calls out*
HEY SCOOTALOO! I GOT A WAY YOU CAN FLY!
After dying like that, I don't think he'd rest in peace.
Word by word. Sentence by sentence. This fic continues to humour me at its failures.
You've already said that two chapters back.
I see you've listened to the advice.
Tirek.
Oh so that's how Twilight becomes part of the story again. Nice. But I still don't like how you rushed the fic. If you've taken more time in writing and building the story, I bet it'd get more likes.
If you actually built the story better I would've given it a like. Ya see I reall really liked the plot and and ending. But boy was this rushed. I don't hate you or the fic, I just wished it was done better. You have so much potential with this story. It just needs to be...how do I say it nicely...fixed?
Also, by saying you're eleven isn't going to help either. Playing the sympathy cards doesn't work in life.