When Rarity has locked herself in her room, will Spike be the one to help her put herself together?
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Chase123
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That night roars of thunder and bright flashes filled the air the next day a scorched outline of a stallion was found in the street,
The Royal guard investigated
Okay... WTF is this? Rarity is blaming herself for being evil for sparing her friends being murdered? This seriously pushes the suspension of disbelief.
How in the world did she come to this conclusion? What is this?
Alright, so the victim blaming narrative aside, the story itself was decently paced enough for what it was, some spelling errors and missing words here and there, grammar wise had everything in place to tell the story and finally the characters were... enough, again for what it was.
The plot was off putting, to say the least. Rarity bars others from entry to her room with no explanation and refuses to talk to anyone, suddenly Spike comes in and she bears her soul without a second thought. The setting description was practically non-existent, the feelings were under developed, the tone was forced and Rarity acted a little too ashamed with the above quote.
However, this was a very short story, so it can all be forgiven.
As for the positives, the writing was tolerable, Spike's feelings of envy and his good will and concern for Rarity's well being are convincing, and his actions and reactions are well within reason.
we're
Also,
This started out great, but went downhill fast. It needs an editor and then the premise needs to be changed. Raritys blaming herself,the cartoonishly evil villian, the hackneyed dialouge all need a second look.
Poor rarity good job spike this was well written if you ask me will their be more
The dialogue in this needs a rework. I like this story but it fell off as soon as dialogue showed up. Spikes monologue was wonderful but the rest of the story was choppy and in all honestly felt like a first draft.
So Rarity was raped by her boyfriend because he threatened to rape and kill her friends? Umm a little confusing.
6030211 I'm with him. My suspension of disbelief only goes so far, and this goes well past it. Rares has PROVEN that she is not just strong and independent, but willing and ABLE to kick faces in if she needs to. This woman has faced down armies, eldritch abominations, and even a god. One stallion who is stupid enough to threaten her friends? NOT A THREAT. Given that among those friends we have the worlds fastest pegasus, a powerhouse of a rodeo champ, a freaking dragon, Pinkie Pie, and the princess of magic/friendship. Flutters may seem to be the most vulnerable, but her best friend is the previously mentioned deity. Any harm to Fluttershy would spell a horrifically painful death. And that's assuming Discord was merciful enough to kill the dumbshit. There are plenty of fates worse than death and I'm pretty sure the Lord of Chaos can pull almost all of them off.
This all adds up to the stallion's threat being laughable at best, and utterly asinine at worst. Even if for some reason Rarity couldn't fight him off directly, there is absolutely ZERO reason for her to take such a threat as more than "Wow you have to be the biggest dumbass in Equestria.". Given that we have canon proof of anti-magic affects, as seen in the Equestria Games, its very plausible that there are more portable anti-magic devices. Thusly it would be FAR more believable for him to have somehow subdued Rarity's magic and then threatened to kill her if she didn't submit than for him to pull "Fuck me or I kill your friends.".
While the writing is excellent and the characterization for Spike seems to be spot on, the premise Rarity's portrayal kill everything good with this work. In all honesty, this is how what I would expect from canon Rarity should someone be stupid enough to try that. "Oh of course darling. Please do tell me which you're going to try that on first. The one who can fly fast enough to level a two story building without a scratch, the one strong enough to crush every bone in your body, the one who bends reality on a daily basis, or the one who breaths fire? Honestly I'm not entirely sure what Twilight CAN'T do to you if she put her mind to it, and Fluttershy... Well the poor dear might faint from such a threat but her dear, DEAR friend Discord, you might remember him as the Lord of Chaos that took over all of Equestria on more than one occasion, he might be a tad... upset if he even heard you say that. Now if you run along like a good little fool I promise I wont tell a soul that you have this terrible death wish. And honestly dear you NEED to get that looked at. Suicide is not the answer darling. Oh, and before you think that you even scare me, consider that I've done, the nightmares and monsters I've not just faced, but outright bucked IN the face without batting one of my fabulous eyelashes. And then consider that I'm here, and they're not... Goodbye darling, I shant have time for you again..."
6109680
I'm writing a story that focuses on Spike's journal.
Anyways as for the rest of you thanks for the advice I hope that my future edited works will be better.
6124406 I hope you keep it up
Hey there!
So...I'm here to review your story! I'm not the best reviewer...but I hope it helps!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story:
I'll Be There For You
Grammar score out of 10:
6
Pros :
It was nice to see Spike finally being gifted with some sort of independence and initiative! It was most certainly refreshing.
I like the fact that you acknowledged the species gap between Spike and Rarity; most people tend to simply...ignore it.
The best aspect of this story was how you took a taboo topic, such as rape, and handled it with grace and skill. You took an uncomfortable subject and managed to get an important message across without breaking your story and creating a massive impact. Very well done!
Cons:
Your grammar and spelling was a little out (for example, the "your" versus "you mistake).
This is entirely opinion based, but I think that Spike was a little out of character? It might just be me though, so don't take this one too seriously. :)
Be careful around accidentally repeating stuff.
I hope this helped! If you wouldn't mind reviewing my story, I would greatly appreciate it! It's a one-shot and not too long: "I Give You My Heart"
For those reading this.
This story's pretty bad. I really haven't mastered Rarity yet and the whole thing kind of falls over.
So sorry.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story:
I'll Be There For You
Grammar score out of 10:
7
Pros :
-I loved the fact that you addressed the species gap that is between them. Few people ever bring that up and I deem it very important that you should if youa re writing a spikexRarity fic, and you did it marvelously.
-Making Spike take an active role without the other main six pushing him to do so was brilliant.
-Twilight seemed spot on for the short time she was there.
Cons:
-I feel like the whole concept of her being raped was going a bit too far. It would have worked just as well if it had just been about a very rude breakup. As much as she loves to make a big deal out of everything, i would have bought that.
-Exactly how old is spike? Isn't he a bit too young for someone to talk about rape with him?
-Rarity seemed to get over it a little too fast.
I hope this helped! If you wouldn't mind reviewing my story, I would greatly appreciate it! It's called "Beggars can be choosers", and it is my second fic ever written and the first one with a co-writer.
In lieu of all these rambling and canon-comparitive reviews, I won't do the same to insult your own vision of the mane six. As you specifically fit the mane six interpretation to work with a very real and very grounded representation of harmful relationships, I'll be reviewing that.
I love the psychology that goes into this piece . Rarity is blaming herself for somehow not being able to prevent what happened. And that is common among victims of this very graphic crime she suffers. It's not happy or inspiring when someone goes through it, and not everyone is as strong as they think under pressure or ambush. And people don't usually take that into account.
The representation of Spike and Rarity’s bittersweet relationship is also something to be adored. It's not extremely sweet to the point of fantasy and feels like a crush. It'd unrequited and it doesn't help Spike as much as he wants it to, but he comes to terms with himself and the eventual reality of losing his feelings. He blames her at first but he understands that he's a better support for Rarity than a lover. When the ending comes to fruition, you can really feel Rarity’s eyes open at what she really had. And then, it satisfies the reader by showing how deeply the event connected them, one-sided crushes, lost feelings and resolutions included.
6161970
This is not your typical Rarity/Spike shipping! Not by a long shot!
Other than the all-too-common grammatical and spelling errors I see in so many other stories here on FIMfiction net I have to say that this particular story was handled with a beautiful level of delicacy and shows concern and appreciation for the feelings of those who may well have experienced such an event in real life and who, were this written in a less kind and gentle way, may have had their own memories triggered to disastrously painful result.
Finally, I love how you so obviously put so much of your own heart into this story. That, more than anything, is what makes this story so authentically moving and compelling.
Sadly, I can give you only 8/10 because of the poor grammar, spelling and composition.
Please do work to improve and perfect those skills because you hold the promise of becoming a truly great writer. May that day come soon for you.
6297784
Yeah the grammar's poor. I only looked over it once.
I hope my future stories will be of interest though!