Frustrated by Pinkies incessant nagging, Rainbow Dash makes a Pinkie Promise to get a hooficure. Humor results.
I'm working on a rewrite of this story, so keep an eye out.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 22nd Mar, 2015
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Mocha Star
I'm here to write my way into your hearts and infect your minds.
Mocha Star
Joined 22nd Mar, 2015 ·
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Cute story, I enjoyed Rainbow embracing her feminine side a bit more.
It could use better spacing, and perhaps a read through before posting?
It's not bad by any means, the story was a bit repetitive in places, and the moan thing seemed like an out of place running gag.
Overall this was a promising effort and earned a hoof up in my book.
Bravo!
5855362
Thanks, I'll edit it in the morning, I really appreciate the comment.
I enjoyed the read but I didn't enjoy the read. It was ok. ;)
Dawwww. A few issues here and there, but it was cute. I liked it. ^^
A lot of technical errors here, and story errors here as well.
First off, there are WAY to many comma's here. Comma's are used to combine two seperate thoughts into one sentence, or as a list (well the basics of comma's anyway). Using them to pause is a common rookie mistake. Everyone stops at different times, and forcing them to will break the immersion of the story.
I get that you're trying to set up an atmosphere, but this just doesn't do it. It needs a little more substance, a little more prose (though don't go overboard on the prose).
Well then. That escalated quickly. No time to really take in the opening scene, or any of the scenes as this story moves fast as Rainbow Dash does!
The other five who? I'm assuming that you're talking about the other Elements, but a little more detail would remove my assumptions. And I don't like to assume things.
Uhh.... Why exactly did Rainbow Dash agree to a day at the spa?
Woh. Either that's a really loud, and spacious building, or the walls can't absord sound that well.
All in all this still needs a lot of work. Hope I helped!
5855902
You did, as a rookie writer I know I have a long way to go, and commentary helps...
If I had a proof reader it would help too since I can only write with a slight outward thought process past my own linguistics at this point, if that makes sense.
Learn through the mistakes of others they say, writing is the exception.
Thank you. Keep em coming!