Gordon Freeman_1
Joined 3rd Dec, 2014 ·
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A bit rushed in some areas, but overall it is okay.
Not bad, a rushed attempt in my opinion, but not bad.
I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It seemed to reach some key parts a bit too quickly, and there few a few minor grammar and spelling mistakes, but overall it wasn't bad.
I feel, like fluttershy and twilight were a little too out of character, besides the hole hooking up thing. Also the detail was lacking in some parts, and, not to sound like the other people, but it did seemed a little rushed.
Good story but.
The spelling is rather bad, and that is coming from a dyslectic.
The phasing. Not even Sonic moves that fast.
The characters, Yea no comment only that, that is not Twi and Flutters.
All in all not the worst TwiShy clop fic but it is up there.
I'll give this a 3/10 I'm sorry but this needs to be cleaned up.
I recommend reading it out loud about 3 times plus re-writing it about 2. Maybe get a proofreader and or editor to.
I will commend you on the story anyways, was planing on writing something similar my self when i saw the cover for the first time.
~Tobben
Stilted. Very much stilted and awkward.
I didn't even make it past the first paragraph, I couldn't read this. It felt wrong to me, none of them were in character, the grammar was off-- not complete shite, but not fantastic-- and the use of "meh" in a letter, even if it's just a note... My god, man. I'm not saying it's complete garbage. If it gets cleaned up and written properly, I'll definitely go back and give it a ready. I think the idea of Twilight coming home to a random Fluttershy house-sitter could be something very cute and romantic. The idea has my curiosity, now all you need to do is grab my attention. I'll be checking back with this to see if it gets cleaned up and updated.
If you had decided to develop your characters in the slightest, this would have been readable.
I did read the entire thing, but there was nothing particularly memorable barring the one line where 'Shy says something about them 'being a couple now', which was kind of horrifyingly poor writing.
My good friend (and OC) Cobalt Sky has a couple things to say.
In other words, get someone to look at this, then get them to look at it harder, then get them to completely rewrite it.
I'm sorry, but this really was that bad.
Note: GCSEs in this context means Graded Creative Sexual Exploration. Please don't ask whether I got A*s or not.
Personally I felt it was rushed but that's nothing new as the previous comments have addressed that. However I still enjoyed it
5849727 My apologies my good sir. I'm not good at writing and this was my first stab at a 'clop' fic so I knew it wasn't going to be good. I'm not going to rewrite it for the fact I really don't give a crap about this story, but thanks for your suggestions.
5850411 I understand that it was your first stab at a clopfic, or any kind of erotic fiction in fact.
I'm not suggesting you rewrite it, not at all. It was more an all-encompassing suggestion to find a proof-reader - try looking around in The Proofreader Group if you decide to make another attempt at a fanfic.
On that note, apology accepted, m'lord!
I wasn't strictly trying to be negative - I just couldn't see many positives. The plot (no pun intended) really wasn't awful, but the writing was.
some errors here and there with punctuation, still a good story though.
quickmeme.com/img/5b/5b7e0fdd39178dc8d4148618607fc96fb8908a1ea62c04119630f50f349c4ce1.jpg
This is one of the few clopfics that I enjoyed reading.
This is rather good. Will there be a sequel?
Not bad for a first time clop-fic but you had Twilight cum way too quick. Have there be some sensual moments, describe more than just Fluttershy sticking her tongue up in there. I would advise describing Twilight's reaction to her sucking on her and sticking her tongue up in her....she's going to at least moan if not call out Shy's name as well....and yes I put Shy instead of Fluttershy because calling out Shy seems like something she would do in that situation. Good enough to make it into my sexy times folder though.