Violet Runner
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It has a good basis, although the chapters are a bit too short. As it is, a quick look through for some grammar mistakes and this is good.
Can u pls make the new chapter as soon as possible ? I like this story of yours anyway
5669107 Well I did put a warning up that if this wasn't you sort of thing not to read it.
Did you mean accept?
5670706 Fixed.
Shouldn't this be due?
Since this dialogue is together, do you need the quotation mark there?
Until has one l.
Also in areas where you have someone talking followed by he/she said or whoever is talking like,
shouldn't this be one sentence with a comma instead of a period rather than two?
Do you mean certain?
5671891 Fixed.
5672291 Fixed.
Okay, obvious spelling errors aside, you need to consider the depth of the characters you are describing and how they would actually react to various situations.
"Seeing the only way to find out what it could do, she uncorked it and shrugged as she prepared to take a drink."
So, in this story, Twilight is figuratively a retard? I can't picture someone even considering taking a sip from an unknown potion, let alone drinking one after reading a letter with that kind of warning sign. If the purpose was to study the potion, why would she do that? With that kind of thinking, anyone could have done the same thing. Celestia is her mentor, normally she expects Twilight's analytical mind to come up with a solution preferably through non-oral experimentation.
True, sometimes the only way of really knowing what effects it might have is to actually taste it, but that’s never a firsthand choice!
The need for this tactic is negated in the first place as well, considering it's Princess Celestia we are talking about, last I checked she's an alicorn of overwhelming if not supreme divine powers, but what do I know, maybe she's just a figurehead in your universe.
I'm coming down strong because I want you to consider these points, while it's fine to make grammatical and/or spelling mistakes every once in a while, character depth can seldom be compromised, it makes for an uninteresting story that will be skimmed through and discarded.
5677954 A part of it is explained in the next chapter. It's also supposed to be inferred that the first part of the chapter takes place a night, and twilight being twilight stayed up realy late either reading, studying or both and as you know you make all the best decisions when you do that.
5678026 That's not an enough mitigating factor for her actions. She'd make it a priority to examine it, sure. Would she lose sleep over it? Quite possibly. Would she actually, without question drink straight from the vial the first thing she does? I will leave it up to common sense to answer that one.
Also, if it's inferred that it takes place at night, why is this not described? Is this a story, or a game of "Guess what the author is thinking"?
5678200 there I changed it so it's states that it's the middle of the night. Are you happy now you overly critical ass? By the way it takes place in an alternate universe or did you miss that tag? So it's not 100% the same Twilight from the show. Also it's a Fanfiction! So sorry my take on her character doesn't fit your headcanon.
5678232 Well, no, adding that particular part to the story wasn't really one of key arguments here, just something I thought should be addressed. Also, you may call me an asshole if you'd like, but I assure you, I am providing you with a lot more constructive criticism than any other of your commenters. If that makes me a jerk, I'll be the biggest, goddamn jerk you've ever seen, as long as I get through to people.
5678276 So you're basically saying until people start conforming to your headcanon you're going to be a jerk.
5678505 It has nothing to do with my headcanon, it's about regular common sense and how to portray characters. Put yourself in her situation, would you have done the same?
Typos:
Chapter 1 - "The potion was milky white and had a familiar sent that she couldn't quite put her finger on." (should be scent)
Chapter 2 - "Twilight found her herself instinctively hugging Celestia like a new born foal." (newborn is one word)
Listening to criticism is an important part of growing as an author, or improving at any other skill for that matter. Zerg might be expressing his criticisms in a rather blunt manner, but they are valid. An alternate universe where the characters act like idiots is not a particularly interesting alternate universe to read about. Don't be discouraged - one or two small problems don't make your story bad - but you should bear his advice in mind when writing future stories so that they can be even better. Nobody gets everything perfect the first time and even the best authors still make mistakes, so just keep practicing.
5678656 Let's see, I would be sleep deprived so my decision making skills would be down, and the potion would be from someone I trust not to send me some thinking that would kill me, so yeah I probably would. Also canon Twilight would just drink a potion to find out what it does or did you forget about the whole season 4 opener where she just downed a random potion from Zecora that no one know would do?
5678707 It's not that they are idiots, it's just that they are subject to the effects of sleep depravity, and lapses of error in judgement. here's an experiment for you; stay up as long as you can with out any form of rest then see how good your decision making skills are. Because from personal experience I can tell you that they are very low.
one question will this story ever reach beyond the castle? like will it only encompass this one "visit" or will we see a Progression like through the span of months or so?
5679689 I'm not sure. I havn't thought that far ahead. For the most part I'm basing the entire story around four pictures by CuddleLamb.
A!
Between option A and option B... Option A
A
Good story with potential.
Count mine as A, but I'm just happy to see a good story being continued, so either way I win.
5684741 which direction do you vote for?
5684792 Thumbs up!
5684798 I mean A. Attending Celestia's court in a playpen and being humiliated. Or B. Being looked after by Cadence with sexy results.
5684812 B.
5684820 Yes, B
I'm surprised this story has a positive rating
And Cadance is way OOC
5685473 Well Cadence hasn't really had that much character development in the series. I mean she's only in like 7 episodes. But what character development she does have portrays her as a caring and loving pony that cares for Twilight and her well being. So If she felt that her sister in-law/ friend was over worked or stress she would do anything in her power to help her relax. Plus the store is still in the early phase and she has only had a few lines of dialogue. she'll get more in future chapters and will be more in character.
5685735
I don't see her as a pony who convinces another to turn somebody into a "foal" against their will
throw a coin and left A
5685473 Really Cadance never had a character to be out of i'd call it more "Love conquers all, and that means all" attitude
I say Both start with one and have Twilight chicken out on the first choice either, have her go with and get cold hooves and goback with cadance, or have her begin with cadance she spooks twilight and she goes running to celestia having it be "All part of the plan"
5687726 well I do plane for both to happen at some point but I'm having troubles deciding which should happen first.
I Will say B.
That I Don't think celestia Will get twilight Humiliation
both but mostly b
love this story can't wait fore more
Her herself?
5688803 that's cool but I was curious about something is the humiliation intentional or unintentional on Celestia part anyway. like a celestial overwhelmed with happiness that she just overlooked the humiliation.because personally I don't think Celestia would actually do that on purpose. I cannot believe I forgot to ask that before I actually placed my decision...
5690068 Yes and no. I don't want to give anything away but I will say that the point would be for everyone to "see" her and for her to feel more like a foal.
B
5689923 fixed.
Start with A and use B for another chapter
a
I'm going to give my honest opinions...
I'm not going to dislike this fic, But this isn't my story. not that its a bad story. Its not that bad but i don't really like Forced upon regression stories unless its in a nice story plot... I've seen a few and have same opinoins so don't worry your not alone. its a nice story... just not me