• Member Since 17th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Duelist925


Comments ( 21 )

This is a really nice start! Everyone feels in character, I like your tone, and y appetite is whet for more blushy makeouts. Looking forward to reading more when I get the chance ^^

10212374
Glad you're enjoying it so far, and I hope you like the rest! ^_^

Excellent through and through! Loved it.

that was so cute and wholesome the entire way though oml
and that ending still has me smiling

i loved it <3

10215820
Thank you! Cute and wholesome smut is fun to write

This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!

------ Review ------

Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Flluttershy’s first blush is adorable.
-Opening of chapter 2 (Session 01) confuses me a little -- what happened to the thread of chapter 1 (Session 00)?
-Quite a few grammar/style issues. Some examples:
--Fluttershy was practically hiding behind a couch cushion. . Pinkie seemed to -- double period. Also a lot of equivocation. It's often better to say what characters are actually doing than what they're 'practically' doing or what they 'seem' to be doing.
--until you tell me it's ok,” -- should either capitalize as 'OK' or write it out as 'okay'. (Preferably the latter, but that's more debatable.)
--s he asked -- extra space.
--touch.Three times -- not enough space.
--Fluttershy’s fingers shift slightly against the back of her neck -- tense slip.
--the unicorns neck -- lack of apostrophe.
--and it’s inherent tie to the -- too much apostrophe.
--offering her hand to the purple unicorn.. To -- double period again.
-Sure, she knows her 5 friends' knocks ... but how does she know it's one of them and not some other random pony?
-the purple unicorn the butter yellow pegasus -- lavender unicorn syndrome.
-It’s also cute how they fell off the loveseat.
-The sessions are adorable, but it begins to get a little unbelievable that the sessions would keep getting cut so short, that there’s always something that stops them in the middle of things.
-Excellent job of Twilight lusting after Fluttershy while she’s stretching. That’s a great moment.
-Wish we could have had some more post-orgasmic cooldown, especially since it's already such a long story.
-Taking it nice and slow and giving them time to explore little details of each others bodies is very nice.
-Cute how the last line of the story ties into the title.

------ Scores ------

To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 80/100
Allure: 99/100
Enticement: 86/100
Immersion: 97/100
Prose Quality: 80/100
Total Score: 442/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.

Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!

10249229
Thank you so much!

I'm kicking myself about some of the grammar stuff. I gave it a re-read once I saw you were posting reviews and wanted to throw chairs when I saw those double periods. Apostrophe's are the devil.

I don't quite understand your confusion about the transition from Ch1-Ch2, but I'll take it into account with my next story.

I loved writing this. It was a lot of fun, and I'm stoked I scored as highly as I did, especially in the Allure/Enticement area's. Thank you again, and I'm glad you enjoyed what you did. I did better than I expected!

I appreciate the feedback and I'll probably go back over this once the contest is through.

10249419

I don't quite understand your confusion about the transition from Ch1-Ch2, but I'll take it into account with my next story.

I don’t mind clarifying! ^.^
It’s the way the time skip between the two chapters just skips over Twilight’s reaction to Fluttershy’s suggestion that they practice. It also doesn’t explain why they waited until later (the next day?) to do so instead of practicing right away. I expected the second chapter to pick up right where that left off because it was so unresolved, but instead, the second chapter puts you right into a new scene much later. The crucial thing is that there’s a little bit more of a very important scene left at the end of the first chapter, but it just gets skipped.

10249428
Ahhh, that makes sense. Good point, and something I should've considered. I left it as is because my initial attempts at that conversation felt very forced, so they were pretty much the first thing I cut for length, thinking the transition would work well enough as is. I could probably get something in there if I leaned on the buzz they both have going to help muddle through their somewhat awkward nature with the subject matter. A future edit, perhaps.

Thank you again!

Congratulations on winning Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
For the full results, check the Dirty Little Award Show.

This story won:

Plain Vanilla, Please
Two lovers have plain ordinary sex because they really love each other. Is that so bad? Your clopfic had the best scene that was simply two characters who love each other very much expressing that love through normal, non-fetishy sex.

So.
After a full read through struggling not to say anything (and slipping up once), here we are.
I'll start by saying I'm VERY MUCH NOT a vanilla person. I'm not even sure why I read this, knowing from the start via the tags that it was going to be that. But something made me give it a chance. I like to think of it as my readers intuition. I've read so many books over the years, and developed a finely tuned sense on whether I'll like a book/story just from it's description. It's RARELY wrong.

And I was pleased to have my faith in that sense reaffirmed here.

Everything in the story felt, if not 100% canon-Twi-and-Shy, very near it. The difference can be assumed to be that the show was VERY MUCH trying to keep everything child-friendly. A ponies personality will naturally shift a bit when you change that. Still, everything did feel like a believable extension of their base personalities. Nothing felt too out of place. The actions and reactions felt real, and not forced like in a lot of clopfics. It was even really hard for me to find anything to nitpick about my all time favorite girl, Shy. And that's quite the achievement, let me tell you.

That said, there were a few things I had a small problem with.

As has already been mentioned, the end of chapter one felt Very cut off. There was more there I think that would have been quite enjoyable to read, and would have made for a smoother transition. I'm hoping for an edit eventually, but by no means expecting it. That decision ultimately lies with you.

I also found it rather odd that Shy was totally oblivious to her animal friends reactions to Twi coming over, and their reaction in general. I'm not sure what I took exception to exactly, but that specific part of the story with the animal judgement felt... maybe 'lacking' is the right word? Lacking SOMETHING.

It would also be really nice if we had an Epilogue chapter of sorts with them coming out/announcing their relationship to the others of the Mane 6. After all, it's not something they could really hide for too long, even in this fic we get a slight inkling that Rarity may already suspect them. Also It would be super cute to read!

All in all, a very solid story. Not meaty enough to clop to, but certainly a pleasure. I'll look forward to looking further into your collection.

Due to a specific tag on this I almost passed it up. Not for moral reasons, it's just not the kind of content I come on here for but the description of "vanilla af" and the inclusion of both Fluttershy and Twilight had me intrigued. And yeah, the ending of this first chapter is cute af. Come what may, I think I'm going to enjoy this. :yay:

Yeah, this might be one of the most adorable stories on the site just from this exchange.

That right there, it's years of self repression being released. And one always has to wonder what might have happened if circumstances had been different. :raritydespair: need to keep going, this is so fun.

Wow. A perfect balance of sweet and sensual, which combined into something that is honestly better than most erotic stories I've ever read. I don't even know how it would be classified. Sexier, more erotic, hot, none of it sounds right and yet this chapter had that sort of excitement without needing to go that far. You can really feel a deep bond forming, and it makes their interactions so much more engaging. So good.

And taking the time for a confession even if their feelings are fairly obvious at this point. Just as a pair of socially awkward individuals would, which makes this a nice little commitment to telling the story that I really appreciate.

Beautifully done from start to finish. The only real criticism I could come up with are a few small typos. I throughly enjoyed.

Tags: FxF, Vanilla AF, Friends-To-Lovers, WAFF

I looked that up, and the only sex-related meaning I saw was "West Aussie Fur Frenzy".

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