- Member Since 31st Jan, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 29th, 2020
AranyaP
Aspiring writer from the Kingdom of Thailand with desire to share the happiness that is pony to the world and all those who would listen and read.
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Pretty good. I am looking forward to seeing more chapters.
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Thanks! :)
5826535 You're welcome :)
Nice story so far and I look forward to future chapters, but there's a few things you may want to edit.
That should be "them".
And I think that should be "working".
Can't wait for more.
5826903
Hi! Thanks for pointing them out! :)
Although the 2nd one is intended to be 'wording' already, to word it like so.
Well considering how often purely English speaking people botch thier own language you did pretty good
Really great story! I rarely see people write with Mr. Cake, and you got into his character very well~
What I suggest is try using a thesaurus. For Pinkie Pie, you used the words "energetic" and "perky" several times.
Also, you seem to shift tenses, but since English isn't you native language, like you said, I won't count it too hard against you.
Keep up the good work. ^^
OMG I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE!!!!
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Hehe, thanks!
I'm not sure what a thesaurus is, but it sounds like a dinosaur. :D
5828560
:3 you won't have to wait for long.
5828609 This
You basically type in a word, like "energetic," for example, and it will give you a whole bunch of other words that mean the same thing. Just helps with word variety.
5828609
YAY!!
5828623
Oooh! That is so useful! Thanks! :D I've bookmarked it. It will come in handy!
Pinkie in the shower....that poor guy never had a chance.
5828679 You're welcome~!
A great job, especially good use of a character undervalued as Mr. Cake. hopefully soon the following chapters, because if they are as good as or more than the first installment, I'm sure will be a memorable story
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Not one bit.
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I hope you'll like the next one!
WHERE IS DA NEW CHAPTER!?!? IM DIEING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!!!
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Editing should be done today, there's only a few pages left. :)
Nice chapter, but there's a few thing you may want to edit.
That should be "Mr. Cake? You".
And that should be "Cake".
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Yay!! Can't wait for it!!
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Hey Thanks! :D Doing that now.
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It's here!
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YAY!!!
I would love to see both an epilogue and a sequel :)
i say epilogue and sequel
If Pinkie has a colt with a yellow coat, she could name him Lemon Meringue "Lemmy" Pie.
Both options work.
I would suggest an epilogue at the least. You've done a marvelous job of setting up the story and characterizations, to end it after the clop is pretty much just cutting out all of that story telling without a reasonable climax. (Pun intended.) The epilogue should cover the consequences of the act to round out the story, tying up the loose ends.
A sequel? I wouldn't be opposed to one, but is there more to this story to tell I wonder?
Have a thumbs up.
Epilogue but for a sequel gave Mrs Cake cheating in her husband and then both mares discovering there prego afterwords.
I say an epilogue would be great.This feels like either a finished short or the beginning of a longer one.I prefer the short version.
I like the way the characters were not just horned up caricatures common to most clop fics, great job on fleshing them out.
I think an epilogue is required if you want the story to feel complete since the story as a whole lacks a full story ending.
I do not think Pinkie needs to be pregnant at the end but I do think the fear of it possibly happening would work very well. I think you did a great job building up to the climax and did a great job ending the chapter but I think if you want the story to come fully around to being finished you need an additional chapter. I did find the idea of Mr Cake thinking that pulling out being effective birth control as being very humorous (take note people out there it is not an effective from of birth control at all) since you would hope he would know otherwise.
A sequel is only needed if you have another story to tell which is up to you.
This needs an epilogue and a sequel. But, for now, you two earned a fav and this:
i61.tinypic.com/34j3fi1.jpg
5917207
We'll definitely have an epilogue at the very least! :)
5917284
Thanks for the feedback! :)
5917632
Hehe, Lemmy Pie, that'd be cute. :)
5917717
Why not both, eh? :)
5919041
Thank you! :) I love long comments like these. It help us the most and is very constructive!
And we try our best to balance between a good story and a good clop without sacrificing one to have too much of the other.
You're right, the Epilogue should cover the consequences at the very least.
5919066
I'm not sure about that, :P The story's a focus on Pinkie Pie and Mr. Cake. Adding Mrs. Cake in too as well as the stallion she cheats with may bring the focus away too far from where we want people to be in.
5919412
Thank you! :) We try our best to keep the characters in-character. They're always more fun to read that way! :D
I always find it painfully annoying when characters would break seriously out of character and became nothing but horned fuckers with a name of the pony we like strapped to them. It's a disgrace to all writers.
5922519
Hey Thanks! :D I love long constructive comments, it really helps.
Yeah, I think you're right. An Epilogue is definitely needed, and thank you for the compliments, we try our best to pace ourselves between clop and story and try not to rush either of them. Going too fast or take too long and it'll just be plain boring, wouldn't it? :P
5939362
My first badge of approval! Thanks! :D
5939645
You're welcome
5939645 Actually do the story as Mrs Pie cheating with someone else with no Pinkie or Mr Cake then do the third story were Mrs Cake returns home and both Pinkie and Mrs Cake discover there both preggo. Then start the feels and recriminations and eventual orgy. Want to really have fun? Have it be Prince Blueblood who was there as a guest speaker and that's the father of Mrs Cakes child. Not like she isn't a cheating bitch anyway. Pegasus and a Unicorn foals? Hah!
5939645 Excellent! I can't wait :)
5939681
I don't think I can write that now that you've described it in such details. :P
Someone might accuse me of stealing ideas, y'know? ;)
5939707 What? You think I would care? I have no interest in the current era of MLP. I'm more of a Fallout Equestria and War in Equestria kind of guy.
Ohhh, Pinkie, you sly devil you
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3257-pinkki-keikaku.jpg
Wait, WHAT?
Wow that is an excellent twist you have there. Pinkie goes from being completely innocent to being controlling and manipulative. That last sentence is slightly chilling to be honest.
She even makes the lack of condom use his choice.
This is actually a really good ending for this story as it wraps it up while allowing it to have the perfect uneasy unknown situation at the end. It actually gives enough that you could make a sequel but you don't have to because the ending gives us enough tools to know that there will be a conflict with Mrs Cake even if we do not see it.
6009298
6009305
I knew someone would post that. I just knew it.
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I absolutely love it when people analysis the story, Thank you! :) We enjoyed that very much and would definitely like to hear more of what you thought! :D
Good, long analyzing comments are the best!
6011950 I do hope that you decide to make a sequel focusing on the upcoming conflict with Mrs. Cake. Will she be furious and outraged? Will she divorce her husband? Or will she let Pinkie be a part of a polygamy marriage? If Mr. Cake and Pinkie have a foal (or several), what race will it (they) be? Will we get some hot threesome action? Will we get some hot Mrs. Cake/Pinkie lesbian action?
6011950
6011991
I'm with him/her. After this ending, this needs a sequel explaining why Pinkie does that, consequences, etc, etc, etc.
6009305 That's somehow completely perfect. Like Pinkie would be the sort of person to write it like Keikaku.
a sequel? please?
sequel now
Omg lol!! She planned this?!?!? Genius!! Also Sequel?? I hope she gets pregnant and Mrs. Cake finds out! That would be funny! And great job!! I LOVED it!!