• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 8,669 Views, 749 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12

A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

  • ...

Floyd In: Being Pinkie Pie

I groan as sunlight hits my face, making me hiss in protest. I hate mornings. Well no, that’s not quite right– I hate the act of waking up. I let myself lie there for a few more moments before sitting up and letting out a yawn. I blink away the sleep, looking around my room... or a room. This sure as hell ain’t my room. For one, it’s too bare. I mean, there’s just a table with a lamp on the other side of the room, a cabinet, the bed and another table and lamp next to that. My room’s normally a mess, with costume pieces, half-written scripts, and various other assorted things found in a film student’s room.

“Okay guys, nice prank, the hell am I?” I ask before frowning. That voice isn’t mine, not even on helium did I sound like that. “Seriously, the fuck did you guys do to my voice?” I move to get out of the bed, only to faceplant rather hard. Okay, ow. Seriously, that hurt like a bitch. I sit back up, rubbing my head... that’s not a hand. I moved the appendage in front of my face, just staring at it. My hand was gone, replaced by a pink hoof.

“Why the hell is there no mirror in this room?” I ask, not looking away from the hoof. Well... might as well get this over with and get the panic out of the way. Okay... one... two... three... Yup. Thats really all I can say. I’m naked, covered in pink fur and lacking anything male between my legs. What really got me was the three balloons on both of my hips, a dead giveaway of what I had become.

“So, what? I’m Pinkie Pie now?” I ask, poking my snout with a hoof, having just noticed it in the bottom edge of my vision. Okay... I’m not panicking, at least not for the moment, that’s good. I get to my feet... hooves I suppose now. After several more instances of falling flat on my face, I’ve come up with a few theories on what might be going on. First theory, I really am Pinkie and I’ve had a psychotic break and everything I remember about being human is all made up. Second, I’m having a lucid dream. Lastly, this is all real and I’ve been put into Pinkie’s body.

“Well, I don’t dream, I think therefore I am so... option three it is.” I tap my chin, various ideas going through my head, “I think that this calls for some experimentation!” I don’t know why but just the tone of my voice sends me into a laughing fit. I recover quickly, shaking my head, “Ok, let’s try not do that again, now how does Pinkie do this?” I reach up into the mess that was my mane and fish around for a little. I frowned, pulling out a notebook. “Really? I was going for a notePAD. Ok... can I get a pen?” I ask, reaching up again, pulling out a pencil, “Eh... that works.” I move over to the bed, jumping back up on it.

I spend the next few minutes doing various experiments with what I could now do as Pinkie. As it turns out, I can only ‘conjure’ up things close to what I want. For example, I wanted a sandwich and it gave me a hoagie. Not that I’m complaining, it made for one hell of a breakfast. I found out I can do that weird finger inflation thing Pinkie did that one time... never again. Ugh... so creepy.

“Wait... doesn’t Pinkie have a job?” I ask myself, finding it odd that neither of her or I should say my bosses had come come to get me yet. “Fuck... I don’t know how to bake...” I sigh, moving up to the door, only to stare at the knob. “Fuck, I don’t know how to open doors with hooves!” I glare at it more, reaching up to touch the knob when... the fuck just happened? The door was there a second ago and now I’m looking at a wall. I look over my shoulder to see the door was now behind me. “Ok... think I just discovered Pinkie’s teleport...” I shake my head, trying to get my bearings. I cautiously trot downstairs, keeping my ears open for anyone else in the shop... house... whatever. I don’t find anyone, but there is a note on the counter. I ‘pick it up’, as in I somehow lift it up with my hoof, not sure how that works besides a wizard did it. “Dear Pinkie.... gone to Trottingham... took twins... day off.” Well that’s a load off my mind. So... what do I do now? A smirk grows across my face as a very... strange idea came to mind. “Dis gon b gud!”

So after about... an hour, I guess? I collected everything I needed. I got the high heels, I have no idea why ponies would have those, the fishnet stockings, the wig, lipstick, and all the other trappings of Tim Curry’s classic look. “Let’s do this,” I say, taking a breath before throwing open the front door of the shop, stepping out into town just as the music started to play... huh I wonder if I can do that on command... Anyway, I gotta town to mess with. So here I am, as Pinkie Pie, dressed up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror Picture Show, dancing around like an idiot as various ponies stare on. I gotta say, this is really really fun!

“Um... Pinkie dear,” a voice cut in over the music. I stop and look back, the music pausing. How even...? Nevermind. At the moment, Rarity is staring at me, a confused look on her face.

“Yes?” I ask, drawing the word out, striking a bit of a pose. Am I hamming this up? Yes, yes I am. But can you really blame me? I’m a director, and this is one of my projects. Gotta give my audience a quality experience.

“What are you, um... doing?”

“Did you just say ‘doing?’” I ask, rhyming the word with ‘boing’ as I smirk at her.

“What? No, I said doing. Doo-ing,” she clarified, looking my attire over. “Now, really, what in Equestria are you doing in that... outfit?”

“Well, you spelled it the same. Anyway, in all honesty? I dunno,” I tell her, shrugging. It’s not a lie, I really have no idea why I did this. Is this... is this what Pinkie’s life is like? Just having these urges to do strange things? Not a bad existence if you ask me. It could be worse... I could have become Rarity.

“Why don’t we go to my shop, hm? Maybe get you out of that... thing?” she offered, giving me a smile.

“Eh... I have the day off so lead the way!” I declare, pulling off the wig and wiping away the lipstick.

Rarity just rolled her eyes, muttering something under her breath, probably something about Pinkie being Pinkie. Note to self, tell them real name as soon as possible. If I’m going to be stuck here, I’m at least going by my real name damnit! ...Seriously, why the hell am I not freaking out about this? Eh... it doesn't matter really, at least I’m not running around like an... idiot... which I just did...

“Son of a...” I mutter, hanging my head, suddenly feeling like the village idiot. ‘Oh hey Floyd, what’d you do after you woke up as Pinkie Pie?’ ‘I dressed up and danced like an idiot instead of trying to get home.’ In the back of my mind, I hear the faintest of giggling. ‘Well fuck off Pinkie, it’s not fucking funny.’ That shut whatever it was up, though I feel kinda bad, what if it was Pinkie?

“Pinkie, are you feeling alright?” Rarity asked, looking over her shoulder at me.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just got a lot to think about at the moment,” I assure her, giving a smile. “I’m not exactly sure if you’d understand, really.”

“Why don’t you tell me about it over tea?” she asks as we reach her shop. I’ve got to say, it’s an interesting design. I’ve always wondered if she had it built, or was it already here? If it was already here what was it used for? It is shaped like a carousel, maybe some kind of carnival leftover? But it’s not an actual carousel... okay, not sure why I started going on a tangent, that must be a Pinkie thing, or is that a Floyd thing now? “Are you coming in?” Rarity asks, giving me a questioning look from the doorway.

“Yeah, sorry,” I give her a sheepish smile before trotting inside. Well, the place was cleaner than I expected. I mean, as an artist myself my place is always a mess as ideas come and go and I never really bother to clean it up. Then again, this is a business so it would make sense for it to be kept clean... or she just makes Sweetie Belle clean it. I could totally see Rarity doing that.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be back in a moment,” she says, walking out into what I assume is the kitchen.

“Will do!” I call after her before stripping out of the costume. Ok, the mane can giveth but can it taketh? I reach up, pushing the high heels in first, blinking in surprise when they disappear from my grasp. “Answers that question.” Wait... I wonder. So remember how Mane-iac had a prehensile mane? Well in BATS! Pinkie did something similar: holding her flashlight with her mane. Let’s see if I can do that... I stare at the rest of the discarded clothing. After a few moments, my forelock, you know that piece of Pinkie’s mane thats always hanging in front of her face? Yeah that, it moved down, coiled around the clothing and pulled it back into my mane. “Yes! I am the greatest!” I shout before flopping down on Rarity’s couch, arms behind my head, a smirk on my face.

“Please don’t jump on the furniture darling,” Rarity comments as she walks out, carrying a tray with the kettle and tea cups in her magic. You know I’d be jealous about the magic but screw that noise, I can teleport! And I have the ‘giving tree’ mane. Who needs magic when you have those?

“Sorry Rares,” I say, looking at her, giving her another smile. Said smile turns devious as another prank forms in my mind. I shift a little, taking on the most sultry pose I can.

“Pinkie, what are you doing?” Rarity asked, watching me rather critically.

“Do I make you... horny... baby?” I ask with the best Austin Powers impression I can manage. “Do I?” Rarity just sputters, nearly spilling her tea, her eyes wide as saucers and her mouth was just flapping up and down. I burst out laughing, tumbling off the couch, snorting a few times. Oh god that’s funny! I can hear that faint laughter in the back of my head so obviously she finds this just as funny.

“That’s not funny!” Rarity hisses, a bright blush on her face.

“Oh but it is! You looked like a fish!” I snort, holding my sides. “Oh man... you have no idea how much I needed that.” I sit up, still fighting off the laughter. “Okay... okay, I’m good.” I snicker a little more, getting back onto the couch. I drop a few sugar cubes into my tea cup, lifting it up with my forelock, sipping at it, “Hm... pretty good but I prefer jasmine over earl grey.”

“Yes, well,” Rarity starts, primping her mane as she composes herself, “I’ll keep that in mind. Now,” she clears her throat, probably in the hopes of taking control of the conversation, “Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Well... theres the skull, then some soft tissue, muscle, the epidermis, fur, my mane.” I pause, seeing the frustrated look she’s giving me. “Oh you meant thought-wise, my bad.” So... moment of truth time. I’m not chickening out of this, I have to explain myself now, before I get outed later and look evil or something. “Alright Rarity. Um... I’m not... actually... Pinkie.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when I went to bed last night I was a human male and not a pink mare,” I explain, looking into her eyes with as much seriousness as I could manage.

She stared at me for a few moments before taking one last sip of her tea. “You stay here er... Pinkie, I’m going to get Twilight.”

“You got it!” I reply, sipping my tea again, giving her a smile.

“Please try not to make a mess, I’ll be right back.” I watch as she puts a sun hat on and leaves the building.

“Well, I’m rather surprised, I thought a human in Pinkie’s head would have gone insane by now,” a rather familiar voice says from above.

“Oh, I’m a bit of an actor myself, not that hard to fill a role,” I comment, putting my tea down and looking up. Just as I suspected, Discord is above me, floating on a leaf.

“Well I’m glad to hear that.” He clears his throat, twiddling his thumbs a little. “So... you're probably wondering why you're here?”

“Gee, what gave it away?” I ask, giving him a flat look.

“Well, uh, funny story..,” he chuckles nervously, rubbing his neck, “Well... it’s my fault. I was trying to help a friend out a while ago and uh... your mind sorta fell through the cracks… later, somehow...”

“I can see helping a friend out. So just send me back.” Well it was fun Pinks, but I got a life to get back-

“I um... can’t.”

The room is dead silent for a while as I stare at him before a sound not unlike a deflating balloon breaks it and my mane collapses upon itself, falling straight down over my right eye. “What was that?”

“I can’t send you back,” he says with a gulp, backing away slowly.

My eye twitches and I get up, slowly moving over to him. “Oh it’s alright Discord, I’m not mad at you.”

“Y-you’re not?” he asks, sounding rather surprised, stopping in his tracks.

“Oh no, why would I be mad at you? You’re just the guy who tore me away from my life, my budding career, my family, my friends. I mean really, it’s no big deal.”

He just gulps, backing away a little faster than before.

“Hows about we take a walk over to the bakery, hmmm?” I suggest, tilting my head to the side as I widen my eyelids, my irises nearly pinpricks at this point.

“I-I don’t know about that...” he said, his back against the wall.

“Oh come on... we can make some... cupcaaaakes~” I singsong, an inequinely (and inhumanly) wide grin growing across my face. “Besides, I’ve never tried draconequus flavor before.” I lift a hoof up, somehow suddenly brandishing a large kitchen knife. “And I bet you taste delicious...” I drive the point home, running my tongue across the flat of the blade. And Discord was gone. He looked absolutely terrified before he burst into confetti and disappeared. I stare at the spot he had been for a moment before bursting into laughter, my mane popping back to its usual fluffiness. Yes, the joke was cruel but you know, I feel a lot better. As I lay there laughing like a mad man, a few tears streak down my face. I really am stuck here...

This isn’t as great as I thought it was.