• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 7,800 Views, 739 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12

A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

  • ...

Floyd in: The Weirdest Week Yet

“So... you're not actually Pinkie Pie?” Blueblood asks, laying on the bench opposite me. After his sudden appearance, and learning what had happened, the prince had taken the debt for the train, putting it on the royal tab. I had no idea that Equestria had a royal tab... that must be what pays off all the damages Twilight and her friends cause...

“It’s the Elements of Harmony fund!” Pinkie explains, sitting next to me. “It pays for all the weird stuff that happens around us!” Oh, so it’s like superhero insurance, gotcha.

“Yeah, I’m not Pinkie Pie, my name is Floyd Hendrix, I go by Pink Floyd now.” I nod my head, resting on my hoof. I can’t lay down on my stomach, due to well... the claw marks. Maud has even hooked me up with a pillow and a blanket... at the price of constantly hovering over me, but whaddya gonna do?

“H-how did it happen?” he asks, looking at me with concern.

“Well, I died in my own world, Discord snatched up my soul and accidently put me in Pinkie’s body,” I explain for what feels like the hundredth time.

“And what happened to Pinkie Pie?”

“Oh she’s still here.” I tap my head. “We share a brain at the moment, and she can manifest as an astral projection... though only Luna and myself can see her.”

Princess Luna,” Pinkie pouts. “You have to refer to her correctly!”

I just roll my eyes at her, then look back at Blueblood. “Now I have a question, you’ve been stalking me because of a crush?”

“Well... stalk is a bit of a strong word...” he laughs sheepishly, tapping his hooves together.

“I dunno, seems like an accurate description for what you were doing, what do you think Maud?” I ask, turning to the older mare.

“He was definitely stalking you.”

“Well, if I was stalking you, I was doing a pretty poor job of it, missing you at every stop, even getting off the very same train you got on in Appleloosa!” Blueblood retorts, stomping his hoof a bit in frustration. I snicker a little, much to his annoyance.

“Look, I’m just messing with ya.” I shake my head. Now for the awkward stuff. “I assume you want to ask me out or something?” Not that I haven’t been asked out before... and gotten called a bunch of names I won’t repeat in present company...

“Why don’t you give him a chance, Floyd?” Pinkie asks, tilting her head. Pinkie, I can’t tell you how much of a bad idea that is. “Like what?” Considering I don’t have my own body, that I’m in your body, not to mention I’m asexual. “Silly filly, just because you don’t have sex doesn’t mean you can’t have a romantic relationship!” She just giggles as she sees me staring at her dumbly. “What? Did you think I was clueless? My family may be traditional, but they didn’t want me to end up learning all that stuff the hard way.” Uh huh... I just blink a few times, looking over at Blueblood, who just smiles nervously at me. I suppose I could give it a shot... never actually dated anyone before...

Blueblood clears his throat, getting my full attention. “I um... was hoping you would be my plus one to the Gala...”

“I already have a ticket...” I tap my chin for a moment, looking at Maud. “I was going to have Maud be my plus one. I could give my ticket to her and she could bring her own plus one... Do you have anyone in mind...?”

Maud looks away in thought, blinking a few times. “I don’t know if she’ll be in Canterlot.”

“Who?” I ask, tilting my head.

“Trixie Lulamoon.”

I stare at her for a few moments before shaking my head. “Alright Blueblood, I’ll go to the Gala with you.” I turn to the stallion, who now has a bright smile on his face. I stretch out, getting to my hooves. “I’m going to go see about getting some food, you two play nice, yeah?” I ask, trotting to the dining car. I pause in the doorway, looking back. Huh... I wonder why Maud didn’t protest...


Blueblood blinked, noticing that the older Pie sister had been staring at him, probably since the moment Floyd had left the car. “Um... yes?”

“Don’t take advantage of my sister,” she spoke, her tone even, though if Blueblood listened close enough, he could hear a slightly threatening tinge. “She is lost and I will hurt you if you so much as make her cry.”

“I have no intention of hurting Pinkie, Miss-” he began only for Maud to cut him off.

“I wasn’t talking about Pinkie.” A pregnant silence filled the room as the two of them stared at each other. It took a moment for Blueblood to find his voice again.

“I swear on my good name Miss Pie, I will do no harm to Floyd.” He puffed his chest out, hoping to make his statement that much more meaningful.

“Good.” Maud looked away, pulled out her journal, and started going over her notes from the samples taken in Appleloosa.

“Good? That's it? You threaten to hurt me if anything happens to Floyd and when I agree all you can say is ‘good’?”

“I don’t talk a lot.” She didn’t look up, her eyes glued to the journal in front of her. Blueblood just groaned, laying down.

“Blueblood old boy... what have you gotten yourself into...?” They sat there in relative silence, broken only by the turning of a page every so often. Thankfully, Floyd came back, pushing a small cart of food.

“Fun fact, travel with royalty and you get free food.” She smiled, grabbing a muffin and chowing down on it.

“You should have gotten me.” Maud looked up from her journal, frowning at Floyd.

“Geez Maud, I’m not an invalid, I just have a claw mark.” Floyd rolled her eyes, lying down on a bench, merrily eating her muffin. Maud shot her a look before snatching a muffin off the cart, chewing on it slowly. “Anyway, I made sure to get non-sweetened muffins for you. Pinkie reminded me that you don’t like sweet things.”

“What's it like having somepony else in your mind?” Blueblood asked, flicking his mane back. “It must be dreadful keeping your thoughts organized.”

“Eh, it’s not as bad as you think.” Floyd shook her head, wiping her mouth off. “I don’t actively hear Pinkie’s thoughts, might be due to her being an astral projection... Before Luna cast the spell, I could hear her thoughts, but now she just hears mine.” She rolled her eyes, muttering to herself, finishing up her muffin and grabbing another. “I mostly just talk with her through thought, just so I don’t appear to be crazy.”

“Why would anypony think you're crazy?”

“Because having a conversation with nothing tends to do that.” Floyd stated, tossing the muffin into her mouth, seeming to swallow it whole.

“Uh huh...” Blueblood couldn’t help but stare at the display, a bit dumbfounded. Floyd licked her lips, sighing a little.

“How long are we going to be on this damn thing...” Floyd asked, turning to Maud, who was still eating her first muffin.

“About four days...” Maud spoke up between bites of muffin.

Floyd groaned, dropping her head onto her arms. “The lack of internet is going to kill me. I don’t even have any books!” She sat back up, letting out a long sigh. “Hey Blue, I gotta ask, who set up the railways here? They should be fired.”

“Well, to hear my auntie tell the story, she was so distraught from Luna’s banishment that she withdrew from government for a rather long time. In her absence, the nobles voted on the... ‘system’ we use... though I use that term loosely.”

“Why don’t you just fix it?” Floyd asked, raising her eyebrow.

“Do you know how much work that would be? Not to mention transportation would grind to a halt in the meantime.” Blueblood rolled his eyes.

Floyd just sighed, banging his head on the window. “This trip sucks!”

“Why don’t you tell us another story, Floyd?” Maud asked, closing her journal. “Maybe the sequel to Fallout?”

“Nah... Dash would kill me if I told that without her... but...” Floyd smiled, a suitable tale forming in her mind. “Allow me to regale you with the tale of the Slayer of Demons and their journey deep into the cursed fog of Boletaria, and how they saved the world...”

You know, I’ve been cooped up on this damn train for two days, so pulling into Ponyville was a godsend... until the girls got on... and then saw the bandage... and then Blueblood... so there went any hope of getting even a few hours to stretch my legs. Anyway, I’m off in the corner with Fluttershy, who, not surprisingly, has first aid training. I didn’t get too much into it before but, they kinda had to shave the area around the claw marks... yes, it sucked hard. Anyway, ‘Shy is helping me change my bandages, which is not pleasant.

“Cheer up Floyd! They say stallions love scars!” Pinkie tries to cheer me up, smiling brightly at me. That would work... if the scars weren’t on your body... “Oh, yeah... I’m going to be a stud magnet!” Yeah good luck with that. I wince a little as Fluttershy finishes up, glad that's finally done.

“There Floyd, you should be good for a while...” Fluttershy pulls away with a frown. “I didn't hurt you, did I?”

“Nah, I'm good Shy, don't worry about it.” I wave her off, getting to my hooves. I stretch my body out, letting out a satisfied sigh as my joints pop. I blink, noticing the...quiet tension in the car. The girls, minus Fluttershy, were all going out of their way to ignore Blueblood, who has been looking down at his hooves, rather dejectedly. “Uh... guys? You all okay?”

“Why do you ask, Floyd?” Rarity asks, looking up from the magazine she’s reading.

“Because you're all treating Blue over there like he has leprosy.” I give them an annoyed look, narrowing my eyes a little.

“Leprosy?” Dash asks, tilting her head.

“Yeah, its a skin disease humans get. In the past those who had it were cast out of society.” I look between them. “But, I thought ponies were better than the ignorant, uneducated masses of the middle ages.”

“It's Blueblood for Faust’s sake!” Rarity pouts as she puts down her magazine and sits up. “Do you have any idea what he did!?”

“Yeah, he scared off a gold digger,” I shoot back, smirking a little at her floundering expression.

“I am not a gold digger!!!” Rarity shrieks at me, her eyes nearly bulging out of her head.

“Gee Rarity, how else would you describe someon-”

“Somepony!” Pinkie cuts in.

Someone.” I glare at her. “Who goes to a rich kid party, specifically intending to seduce someone of importance to raise their own social status?”

“Well... I, uh...” she mutters softly before clearing her throat. “I need to go powder my nose.” She sticks her nose up, quickly trotting out of the room.

“Damn Floyd, that was harsh,” Dash comments, looking from the door Rarity just left through to me.

“Well, it’s true. She was being a gold digger who got pissy that she couldn’t get what she wanted.” I shrug, crossing my arms, careful of my wound. “Not that Blueblood helped his situation at all.” I cast a glance at Blueblood, who lets out a nervous titter.

“Hey, uh, Floyd?”

“Yes Applejack?”

“Ya’ll got somethin’ in yer mane.”

“I got a lot of things in my mane.”

“Ya, but this somethin’ is moving.” I blink, sitting up. Now, remember I’ve cut my mane short so it isn’t that big poofy mess Pinkie lives in. How the hell could something be in there? I reach into it, feeling around until I grasp something, something fluffy and very much alive. I slowly pull it out and... it’s a ferret. A snow white ferret, hanging from my hoof by the scruff, just looking at me.

“Floyd, why did you have a ferret in your mane?” Twilight asks, raising her eyebrow.

“How the hell should I know?” I ask, staring at the ferret a little. He stares back, blinking at me. “But uh... totally keeping him!” I used to have ferrets as a kid, they’re fucking awesome. I put the little guy down next to me, rubbing his head. He scurries into my tail, only to pop back out of my mane.

“H-how’d he do that?” AJ asks, staring a bit wide eyed.

“I don’t know but that's fucking awesome!” I grin, looking up at him. “I’m totally gonna name you Quantum!” He seems to like it, letting out a happy dook before vanishing into my mane.

“I think he likes it.” Fluttershy giggles, a smile on her face.

“I just know he’s gonna get along with Gummy! They’re gonna be the best of friends!” Pinkie cheers, doing a cartwheel through Twilight, who had gotten up to get a better look at my new pet.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to just adopt an animal that came out of your mane?” she asks, giving me a questioning look.

“It’s fine.” I wave my hoof dismissively, watching as Quantum continues to defy logic, hopping between my mane and tail, much to Twilight’s chagrin.

The last few days have been fucking boring. Just so boring. At least the girls were around to help pass the time, they particularly loved my exploits, with Dash calling me a ‘badass.’ I think she just got hyped up by the story, I am most definitely not a badass.

“No, you’re a goodass!” Pinkie beams as we make our way into the castle. The princesses had invited us to stay the night and let let me tell you, anywhere is better than a train. I’m going to come out of this trip with an irrational hatred of trains. Maud’s gone off to try and find Trixie, leaving me with the girls. Blueblood excused himself to go see his aunts, not that I blame him, considering the group here doesn’t exactly like him.

“I do believe we have some time before the Gala-” Rarity starts before Dash cuts her off.

“You mean a few hours.”

“We have time before the gala. I suggest we get started with the the dresses, just in case I need to do any last minute adjustments.” With that, she walked to her room, not even bothering to see if we were following.

“This will be fun...” I mutter to myself, starting to follow her, petting Q’s head as he peeked out of my mane. No, I don’t know how I can walk with just three legs, don’t ask me. I let the girls chit chat amongst themselves, humming “Karma Police” quietly to myself to pass the time.

“Here we are!” Rarity smiles, pulling the doors to the room open.

“How do you know it’s this room?” I ask, following her inside. Well, I gotta say, biggest bedroom I’ve ever been in, damn. You could fit four of my apartments in here!

“Princess Celestia gives us all the same rooms every time,” Rarity begins as the others filter in, taking up various positions around the room, “It saves on the paperwork. Now Floyd, why don’t we start with you, considering your... unique ensemble.” I just sigh, passing Q to Fluttershy and moving over to the fashion pony. I really wish I had an MP3 player...

“Oh don’t be so nervous, Blueblood.” Celestia giggled, looking at her nephew, who nervously sipped at his punch, staring at the ballroom doors.

“I am calm,” he asserted, taking another shaky sip from his glass. “I’m the picture of calm.”

“Then why are you shaking?” she asked, nudging him, nearly causing him to drop his cup.

“Auntie!” He pursed his lips, looking up at her. “You almost made me spill my drink!”

“Oh lighten up!” She rolled her eyes. “You’re so tense. I thought Floyd already said yes, why are you so on edge?”

“I-it’s just... when was the last time I went on an actual, normal date...?”

Celestia tapped her chin. “I believe that was your fling with Fleur De Lis.”

“It was not a fling!” Blue snapped, glaring into his cup. “Damn that Fancy Pants... his mustache is irresistible...”

“Well, there's your date.” Celestia nudged him closer to the door with a wing. “Hopefully I can get some grand nieces and nephews this time.”

“Auntie!!” Blueblood sputtered, blushing as he looked up at her. She giggled, shooing him away. “Crazy old coot...” he muttered, moving toward the door. Twilight and her friends were filing in, each in proper gala attire. Even Maud was dressed for success, something he didn’t think he’d see, based on the short time he had known her. Floyd walked out last, wearing... not a dress. It was a strange low-cut shiny purple jacket that had gold buttons and trim, plus black and white striped collar and cuffs. She had a pair of stockings on her hind legs, one fishnet and the other black and white striped. She also had a matching top hat.

“Sup, Bluey?” Floyd trotted over as the group dispersed. “Like my outfit?”

“It’s... unique, I’ll give it that...” Blueblood blinked, not sure how to feel about the outfit.

“I wasn’t sure how it’d look on a pony. I mean, Moxxi rocks it hard but, ponies don’t have sweater puppies...” Floyd shook his head. “I gotta stop the rambling.”

“Sweater... puppies?” Blueblood asked, giving Floyd a strange look.

“Eh, fuhgeddaboudit.” Floyd waved a hoof dismissively. “Now, uh... what does one actually do at a gala?”

“Well we could mingle... dance...” Blueblood listed off, looking around. “Thankfully, after the last one, it’s gotten less stuffy in here.”

“Not like this ones going to be any better...” Floyd muttered, moving over to the refreshment table and pouring herself a glass, then taking a long sip.

“What do you mean?” Blueblood asked, grasping a cupcake in his magic and taking a bite.

“Hi, Pinkies!” Cheese Sandwich suddenly appeared from under the table, wearing a big grin on his face.

“Holy crap!” Floyd yelped, jumping up and clinging onto Blueblood.

Cheese didn’t notice, still grinning. “When did you become twins?”

“Wait...” Blueblood asked, ducking out of Floyd’s grasp, watching as the mare somehow landed on her hooves. “You can see Pinkie Pinkie?”

“Uh huh!” Cheese nodded eagerly. “I just didn’t know she had a twin!”

“That’s...” Blueblood paused. “I don’t actually know what that is...”

“Hey, uh, Cheese.” Floyd cleared her throat, looking at the new arrival. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, when the princesses found out Pinkie wasn’t able to do the gala, they got me!” He smiled. “I was hoping you’d show up. And since there’s two of you, we can really kick the party to the max!”

“Makes as much sense as anything else in my life...” Floyd muttered, downing the rest of her punch. “But uh, Cheese, I’m going to be with Blueblood tonight, so you can hang with Pinkie.”

“Alright! Come on Pinkie, lets go play pin the tail on the dragon!” He zipped off, leaving a dust trail in his wake.

“That was... odd...” Blueblood blinked, still looking at where Cheese had been standing.

“You have no idea how weird this night is gonna get...” Floyd chuckled, munching on an eclair. “Mmm, Cheese is a damn good baker...”

The gala hasn’t been as boring as I thought it was going to be and the date is going...well? I dunno I’ve never been on a date before. Blueblood has been pretty nice and we’ve spent the last hour or so just sharing stories.

“So, you burned the barn down and got away scot free?” Blueblood questions, a smirk on his face. “I hate to say it but I don’t believe you.”

“Well it’s true. Everyone just assumed that a coyote somehow knocked over a lantern. I’m just happy they didn’t find the moonshine.” I chuckle, finishing up my drink. “I’m gonna go get a new cu-”

“Floyd!” Pinkie shouts, running at me. I blink as she phases through me, landing on the floor, her body obscured by my chair, only her head visible. Uh... what are you doing Pinkie? “Discord and his guest just showed up!” I look over at the door, watching as Discord floated in, the Smooze slithering in behind him. Huh, I was wondering when they were going to show up... “We have to do that song!!!” What? “You know, the Smooze song, we gotta sing it!”

“I’m not doing that, Pinkie.”

“Come on, I already got Cheese on board!” She points behind me. I gaze back, spotting Cheese, who waves happily. I groan, hanging my head.

“You’re not going to let this go, are you...?”

“Nnnnope!” Pinkie grins up at me. I sigh, getting to my hooves and grumbling.

“Is everything okay, Floyd?” Blueblood asks, a worried frown forming on his face.

“Yeah, I just gotta go make an ass out of myself... I’ll be back in a few minutes...” I trot over to Cheese, a bouncing Pinkie following behind me. Alright now how do I do this...? “You gotta let the soul song guide you.” The what now? “The soul song! It’s that little bit of music everypony has inside them. It’s a harmonic expression of your inner emotions!” I blink and sigh. And how do I get it to work? “Just take a deep breath and release control.”

I do so, letting the air fill my lungs. I stay like this for a few agonizing minutes before... I feel it. A tingle throughout my body. My ears twitch slightly at the sound of the Smooze starting its part of the song. I feel my body start to move on its own, and soon the words start to pour from my mouth. Cheese and Pinkie join in and in no time flat, we’re serenading the rest of the gala with the only really memorable thing from G1.

We wrap up and I regain control of myself, panting heavily. That was... one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced in my... lives. I look up to see Discord clapping, with the rest of the ballroom looking on in stunned silence.

“Oh, that was just exquisite!” He smirks. “I didn’t think anyone would have remembered that song!”

“Yeah well... Pinkie wanted to do it...” I mutter, moving over to the punch bowl, pouring myself a cup and chugging it.

“Floyd, are you alright?” I turn my head and see Maud trotting over, a worried look on her face.

“Yeah, I’m okay Maud.” I smile, setting my cup down. She reaches out, adjusting my top hat.

“You know, it’s never a good idea to lie to your big sister.”

“I’m not...” I blink, looking at her. “Maud, I’m not your sister.”

“Aren’t you?” Maud asks, looking into my eyes. “Floyd, you’re as much my sister as Pinkie Pie is.” She pulls me into a hug and I swear I can hear my bones creaking. I suck in a gulp of air as she lets me go.

“Wow Maud... that’s... I’ve never had a sibling before...” Maud leans in, nuzzling me.

“You do now, and you always will.” She peers behind me, a smile spreading across her face. “Your date is waiting for you.” I follow her gaze, seeing Blueblood looking over at us, obviously, unsure if he sound intrude. “Go have some fun.”

I smile back at her, nodding. “You too, Maud.” I walk over to Blueblood, still wearing my smile. I may have lost one family but... now I have a new one.

“Aww, that’s so sweet!” Hush Pinkie, you’re ruining the moment.

Jason’s heart pounded in his chest as he ran, somehow knowing how to run in his now quadrupedal body. He had no idea how he had gotten into this mess, the last thing he remembered was tracking a buck through a light snowstorm and then... and then he was here, wherever here was, as some type of bug-horse.

“Don’t let it get away!” one of his pursuers shouted, frightfully close behind him. He put more speed into his gallop, his legs begging for leniency he couldn’t afford.

“Got you, insect.” Jason let out a grunt as something collided with his side, sending him sprawling across the ground. He moved to get up, only to be dogpiled by several bodies. “Take it to the dungeons. I want to know who sent it.” Jason hissed as they hauled him off, wings buzzing in agitation. His captor watched, eyes shining red in the dark night. “We suffer no trespassers.”

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!