• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 7,675 Views, 725 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12



A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

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Floyd In: A Sugary Detour

You know what I just realized? This place doesn’t have a clock in easy view. That’s kind of annoying. It’s been... half an hour I guess since I scared Discord off and I hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him... or anyone else.

“Actually, come to think of it... that may not have been my best plan...” I say to myself, sprawled out across Rarity’s couch, staring up at the ceiling. I had just scared the shit out of the god of chaos... not the smartest move. He’s probably off telling them how crazy I am or something...

“Kinda shot myself in the foot there... heh...” I sigh, letting one of my hind legs dangle off the couch. “The hell is taking them so long? I’ve never been more bored in my life.” I guess that’s the drawback of being Pinkie, you can do all this cool stuff but your attention span is fucked.

“You know... I never promised to stay here...” I get off the couch, stretching out like a cat, a few of my joints popping loudly. I let out a content sigh, cracking my neck. “I should probably leave a note though...” I reach into my mane, pulling out a sticky note pad and a pen.

meanie

“The hell was that?” I ask, looking around. I know that was Pinkie’s voice... She’s probably stuck in the back of my mind or something. “Look, I know I may have gone too far with that joke but you know, I needed to get that out of my system, okay? I’m not going to do that again, alright?” I feel a sudden release of annoyance, shaking my head.

“Weird... okay, back to the note...” I quickly scribble out a note with my forelock. Yeah, not using my mouth, I’d rather not find out what erasers taste like. Or pretty much anything else that’s not food, for that matter.

With that out of the way, I move toward the door, only for the universe to hit me with the weird hammer. My ears flop against my face, I blink involuntarily a few times, and my knees twitch.

“The hell man? Am I having a stroke or something?”

watch out for doors!

“What does that even-” The door bursts open, whacking me in the face . “Son of a-” I roll around on my back, holding my nose, hoping it wasn’t broken.

“Oh, Pinkie!” a rather high pitched voice squeaks, moving over to me. Through the pain, I can see Sweetie Belle looking down at me, a horrified look on her face.

“Hey, I’b ok, doh worries,” I say with a wince and a sniffle, drawing my arms away and scrunching my nose a bit. A quick glance at my hooves shows that, thankfully, I do not have a nosebleed. Okay Pinks, I think karma just got back at me for that prank. I get to my hooves, shaking myself off like a cat. I turn to Sweetie Belle, seeing a worried Apple Bloom next to her.

“Ya sure yer ok Pinkie? That sounded like it hurt,” the little farm pony says, a pout on her face. Oh lord that face, it’s like... giving me this overwhelming urge to crack a joke.

“Hey now, I’m fine. I’m like a cartoon character, see? Watch this,” I reach into my mane and pull out a frying pan. Wait, what? I’m too late and the sound of ringing metal fills the air as I slam the thing into my face. I sit through the pain, swaying a little as chickens dance around my head. So can they see those as well or is it just me?

I’ve wondered that too

I shake my head, following that with a rub, in hopes of stopping the ringing. “Okay... I just did that.” I turn to the crusaders, who looked rather confused and horrified. “So um... sup girls? Where’s Scootaloo?”

“Um Pinkie, ya sure yer ok? Scootaloo’s at remedial flight camp, she won’t be back for another two months.” Apple Bloom looks me over quizzically.

“I suppose she would need to go to a remedial camp, she is as flightless as a chicken.” I tap my chin, giving a nod.

That’s pretty mean you know.

Okay, that may have been a little harsh.

“Let me give it to you straight girls, my name is Floyd. I’m trapped in Pinkie due to Discord fu–”

Oi! Don’t swear in front of foals!

Right sorry, I don’t really have a filter on this stuff. “Like I was saying, Discord messed up and now I’m here instead of Pinkie.”

“Wait, are you a human? Like Lyra talks about all the time?” Sweetie Belle asks, gasping a little.

“Um...” I pause, looking at them hesitantly, “Yes...”

“That’s so cool!” she exclaims, her awe being replaced by a smile.

“What about Pinkie?” Apple Bloom asks, looking at my, what do you call that on a horse? Abdomen? Stomach?

Hey! We’re a pony, not a horse!

Ugh, I don’t need a back seat narrator Pinkie.

“Is she gonna be yer foal?”

What!? Oh hell no! Pinkie pleasse for the love of all that is good and pure, please tell me that’s not where you are!

No way! I’m in our head not... there!

“Oh, thank the maker,” I sigh with relief, confusing the fillies. “Thankfully no, Pinkie’s in my head so yeah... no foals.”

“Aw... but I wanted to see foal Pinkie.” Sweetie laments, pouting a little.

“Sorry kid, but that’s just how the cookie crumbles,” I say, shrugging a little.

“Well um... we were going into the Everfree but we need an adult so... would ya come with us, Pinkie?” Apple Bloom asks before she and Sweetie Belle press themselves together and give me a double dose of puppy dog eyes.

Don’t worry, we’re immune to their tricks.

“First off, my name is Floyd, please call me that, and secondly, I’m not taking you into that forest. I’ve barely been here for more than a few hours, I’d rather not be eaten by a manticore or something.”

Both fillies let out an ‘aw’, looking at the ground with slumped shoulders.

We could take them to Sugarcube Corner for a treat.

I don’t know how to bake Pinkie.

It’s easy! I’ll help Pinkie!

First off, don’t call me by your name. We may be stuck in the same body but we are two separate people. My name is Floyd.

“How’s this sound, I’ll take you two to the bakery and we’ll get something to eat.”

“Yay!” the two cheer, high-fiving (high-hoofing?) happily.

“Now come on before I change my mind,” I say, opening up the door with my hair, heading out into town. The fillies follow after me, bringing a smile to my face. I let Pinkie give me the directions, having no idea where to go on my own.

“Hey Pinkie,” someone calls out, making me pause. I turn to the left, spotting Applejack waving at me.

“Oh uh, hi Applejack,” I say, walking over to her apple stand.

“You feeling alright?” she asks, looking me over. “Ya’ll just seem less... bouncy...” she makes an up-and-down gesture with her hoof, trying to get her point across.

“That’s not Pinkie sis, says her name is Floyd an’ she used ta be human!” Apple Bloom answered for me.

“Took the words right out of my mouth, kid,” I say, nodding to Applejack, “That explains it.”

“Really.” Applejack gives me a skeptical look. “Do the others know about this?”

“Well, Rarity knows. She went to get Twilight some time ago. And Discord knows, it’s apparently his fault I’m here,” I say, narrowing my eyes a little.

“Uh huh... so where ya’ll headed?” Applejack asks, seemingly put off by seeing her normally happy friend scowling in disdain.

“Sugarcube Corner. We’re getting something to eat.”

“How’s about I come with ya?” Applejack offers, though I get the feeling it’s not so much an offer as a statement of intent. I get where she’s coming from though, I’m a stranger, even if I look familiar.

“Sounds good to me, I dunno how to bake anyway,” I reply before starting to walk off, the bakery in sight. This is going to be fun... I think.


“How in the hay did you manage to burn three batches of cupcakes?” Applejack asks with a shocked look on her face.

It’s the baked bads all over again!

Don’t make fun of me, I told you I can’t bake. I ordered out as much as possible.

“I suck at baking,” I say simply as I move behind the counter, a scowl on my face.

“Alright, how’s about ah just buy some cupcakes outta the case?” Applejack asks, moving out in front of said counter. Behind her, the CMC were waiting, rather boredly, at a table.

“Alright,” I say, pulling out some cupcakes from the display. “Uh... I’m not sure how much to charge you here...”

A plate of cupcakes is three bits!

That was very helpful Pinkie, thank you.

I ring them up, taking the bits from Applejack and depositing them in the cash register.

“Huh my first sale, whoopie,” I comment, waving my hoof in a circular motion.

“Yer not very cheery are ya?” Applejack asks, placing the tray on her back with a frown.

“I get that a lot. Look, I’m trying, or rather I was trying, to become a horror movie director, it’s not my job to make people smile. It’s my job to scare the ever living hell out of them.”

Wait, was that a swear?

Quiet you, I’m talking about my passions here.

“You wanted to make movies to scare ponies?” Sweetie Belle asks, grabbing a cupcake off the tray.

“Yup.”

“Why would ya do that?” Applejack asked, putting the tray on the table and taking a seat.

“Horror is just something I love. Life’s no fun without a good scare you know? Have you ever read, or been told, a scary story? Same concept, some people like it. It’s not for everyone but, you’d be surprised how much horror influenced cinema. Movies like Halloween, Psycho, Alien, and the granddaddy of them all Dracula all shaped movie history.”

They all just stare at me, having no idea what I was talking about.

I facehoof momentarily. “Okay. Think about Nightmare Night. It’s fun to get scared then, isn’t it?”

“Ah suppose it is,” Applejack says, taking a bite out of her cupcake. “Ah just can’t imagine Pinkie scarin’ ponies.”

“I already told you, I’m not Pinkie,” I tell her, pouting a little.

You should just go by my name.

Well you know what? I’m not you.

“My name is Floyd and I’m a different person, even if I look like someone you know,” I say with a sigh, putting my head in my hooves. “Look just... don’t expect me to be her, okay? That’s not something I can do.”

“Ah sorry Pink– uh, Floyd,” Applejack caught herself before tapping her chin, “Ah think ah just thought up yer new name!”

I blink, processing that. “Wait, wait, wait, you want me to go around with the name of one of the most famous bands of all time?” I pause, thinking it over. “I can do that. Just don’t expect me to dress up like a Nazi and sing about putting people up against the wall.”

“What?” was all she asked, looking confused.

“It’s from a movie, I don’t think it’s suitable for ponies in general.” Well now I’m Pink Floyd, heh. I should totally get a prism. Maybe a necklace or something. Though this doesn’t solve the problem of people calling me Pinkie...

Ooh, we should make business cards!

“Huh... that’s a pretty good idea,” I nod, before realizing I said that out loud.

“What’s a good idea?” Apple Bloom asked, looking up from her cupcake.

“Well uh... Pinkie suggested we make business cards with my new name on it,” I admit with a gulp.

“Ya mean, ya can hear Pinkie?” Applejack asks, a pleading look in her eyes.

“Yeah, yeah I can. I’m pretty sure I could have a conversation with her in my head at the moment.”

“So she’s okay?” Applejack let out a sigh of relief.

Yepperoonie!

“She says ‘Yepperoonie,’” I say, relaying her message.

“Heh. That’s our Pinkie, alright.” Applejack nods, and the fillies nod along with her.

“You know, I should probably get back to Rarity’s place, she did kinda tell me to wait there for her and Twilight...”

“Come on, ah’ll take ya back,” Applejack says, getting to her hooves. I follow her out, making sure the fillies got out before I lock it up.

This was actually kinda fun.

More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

I’ll get back to you on that Pinks.

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