• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 7,800 Views, 739 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12

A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

  • ...

Floyd In: On The Rocks

Author's Note:

Alright, just as a heads up, this is a bit of a rewrite/expansion of the chapter due to the last episode. Please let me know what you think.

“Wait, so you're saying that, if you play this movie and this record at the same time, they match up completely?” Pinkie asks skeptically, giving the vinyl that’s in my hands a raised eyebrow.

“Look, I don’t know how this whole thing started but a lot of people have done it, it’s just something you try when you’re a teenager.” I place the vinyl in on the record player, moving over to the TV to set up the movie. “Now if we had some pan, that’d make this perfect but as it is... this is going to be a bit diluted...” I get the DVD set up and start rubbing my hands together.

“This seems like a bit of stretch Floyd,” Pinkie goes on, getting comfy on the bean bag chair, “I mean who really has time to make their music match a movie? That's just ridiculous.”

“You're ridiculous.” I grab the remote and press play, my hand hovering over the record player. “Now hush while I sync this up... crap, is it the first or third roar...?”

“Ma’am, excuse me ma’am.”

“Huh...?” I ask as I sit up, letting out a loud yawn. My dorm room was gone. being replaced by the inside of a train car. I let out another yawn, stretching my limbs out before looking at the guy who woke me up. He was a nondescript train worker with a bitchin’ mustache.

“Last stop, ma’am,” he implores politely.

“Oh, thank you...” I yawn out, climbing off the seat, stretching out again, this time trying to crack my joints. I let out a sigh as my back pops. I carefully lift up my saddlebags, placing them on my back. I trot past the worker, hopping off the train. “Thanks!”

“You’re welcome, ma’am.” He smiles, giving a little wave. “Have a safe trip!”

“You too!” I call back, returning his wave.

“Bye mister train pony!” Pinkie waves, having manifested beside me. I am so glad she doesn’t have to keep crawling out of my ear. One time of that was enough for me. “Oh hey! Maud’s waiting for us! Hi Maud!”

I blink, turning my head to see Maud standing at the end of the platform, sporting her famous blank look.

“What are you talking about? She’s obviously worried about us!”

What the hell are you talking about? She’s just blinking at us, where the hell are you getting ‘worried’ from?

“You just don’t see it yet,” Pinkie informs me before she starts to bounce over to Maud, babbling excitedly at her oblivious sister.

She can’t hear you, Pinkie. I move up to Maud, opening my mouth to speak when she cuts me off.

“You're not Pinkie Pie.” It’s not a question, it’s a statement of fact. She just looks at me with those unamused eyes, as if she’s boring a hole into my head.

“Y-yeah,” I mutter out, taking a step back, feeling my ears splay back against my skull. “M-my name’s Floyd, nice to um... meet you Maud...” I hold my hoof out, giving her a shaky smile. She stares at me for a while longer before slowly but firmly tapping her hoof to mine.

“Follow me, the rest of the family is waiting to meet you.” She doesn’t wait for my response, turning around and trotting away rather quickly.

“I get the feeling she doesn’t like me,” I say aloud, sighing heavily. I should have expected that. I wouldn’t put it past Maud to punch Death in the face to protect Pinkie.

“That happened once!”

I give Pinkie a look, not really wanting to know that particular story.

“Oh come on! You’d totally love it! And since you’ve achieved Pinkito, you can totally comprehend it all!” She bounced along beside me, wearing a big ol’ grin on her face.

Yeah no thanks, I’d rather not test that theory Pinkie, best I not be reduced to a jibbering idiot. We just follow Maud in silence, allowing some darker thoughts to creep into my mind.

“Relax, Floyd,” Pinkie says, rolling her eyes, “My family will love you and you’ll love them. As for Maud, she’s just in super-duper-big-sister mode!”

I wouldn’t know about that, I didn’t have any siblings. I shrug a little. I keep my eyes locked on the back of Maud’s head, feeling my heart starting to pound, thumping loudly in my ears. Oh man, this isn’t going to go well at all.

“Floyd, you're getting all panicky,” Pinkie says, looking at me. “Just calm down, okay? Do that breathing thing Cadance taught Twi.”

Yeah, okay, okay. I take in a deep breath, bringing a hoof to my chest before letting the breath out, extending my hoof. I repeat this a few times, feeling the stress flow out of my body.

“Better?” Pinkie asks, to which I nod.

Yeah, thanks Pink, I feel a lot better. Why doesn’t Twi do that more often?

“Because she gets so panicky that she does these cute little panic dances.” Pinkie giggled, snorting a few times.

Stop that! You’re going to make me start laughing! I can’t help but giggle a little with her, the image of prancing Twilight filling my head. I recover quickly, a smile plastered on my face. Thanks Pinkie, I needed that.

“No probalo Floyd!” she says with a smile, bouncing along.

We fall into a pregnant silence, with only the sound of our hooves on dirt. After a few moments of this, we reach the edge of the rock farm. It’s as you would expect, pretty much what was in the show – barren, rock filled fields, really depressing dead trees, a silo, and the farmhouse.

“Huh, this place looks as boring as I imagined. Starlight would love it here...” I mumbled, feeling a pulse of anger surge through me as I thought about that bitch.

“Hey, don’t let that meanie bring you down!” Pinkie exclaims, moving so that she’s walking backwards, “So, before you meet the family, I should give you the 911 on them.”

411, Pinkie.

“I’ve heard it both ways.” She waves her hoof dismissively. “Anyway, pa’s name is Igneous Rock and he’s kinda old fashioned. Ma’s name is Cloudy Quartz and she’s a little more modern.”

Wait, you're the ‘Pie’ family but neither of your parents has ‘Pie’ in the name?

“No,” she shakes her head. “Pa’s name is Igneous Rock Pie.” She glares at me. “Stop getting me off topic! Anyway, you already know about Maud, she’s the second oldest. After her comes Marble and Limestone. Marble is quiet, kinda like Fluttershy, and Limestone is like me! She’s really, really loud! Like a storm! And she's the oldest!”

I’ll ah... keep them all in mind, Pinkie. We reach the door, and Maud puts her hoof out to stop me.

“You wait here, I’ll go in and let them know you're here.” I don’t argue, watching as she opens the door and slips inside.

Okay Floyd, just calm down, you can do this. They’re ponies, they naturally wanna cuddle and be your friend. On the other hand, you're also mindjacking their daughter/sister’s body and reduced her to a ghost...

“Oi Floyd!” Pinkie scolds, swinging her hoof through my head in what I think is an attempt to slap some sense into me, “Just relax, OK? They’re not going to hate you. You just have to remember to giggle at the ghosties.”

I smile a little. Yeah, okay, not totally appropriate for the situation but uh... good advice all the same. Maud opens the door and looks me in the eye. “Are you all right.” Steeling myself, I nod and she gestures for me to come inside. I take in a breath, walking inside. In simple terms, it looks like the Apple house except with less fluff, very utilitarian.

“So you’re this Floyd, hm?” a very matronly voice speaks, catching my attention. Standing in the doorway to what I assume is the kitchen is a light grey earth pony, her mane and tail a dull blue. Her mane was done up in a bun, and she’s wearing a black and white uh... collar and a pair of stereotypical grandma glasses.

“Hey! Ma is not a stereotype!” Pinkie protests, pouting a little.

“Uh... yes ma’am.” I look away, unable to meet her gaze. “Floyd Hendrix at your um... service... No uh... relation to Jimi, I assure you...”

“Geez Floyd, when did you become Fluttershy?” Pinkie asks, giving me a worried look, as if she suddenly noticed my change of attitude.

Yeah, well, I don’t have all those pent up emotions to make me all pissy.

“That's the Floyd we all love.”

“Well I don’t know anything about this Jimi, but my name is Cloudy Quartz.” She looks me over, frowning slightly. “You don’t look any different from Pinkie.”

“Well, no ma’am, it’s mostly uh... in here.” I tap my head.

“Well, why don’t you sit down and get comfortable? Lunch is almost ready and Limestone and Pa won’t be too far behind you.” Cloudy turned, trotting out of sight. I let out a sigh, placing my saddlebags down by the door. I move to take a seat on the couch when I feel a hoof stop me. I look back to see Maud, her hoof poking my flank.

“Pinkie’s Cutie Mark,” she says, blinking slowly, “Where is it?”

I sigh, lowering my head. “It’s a long story, Maud. I plan to tell everything once your family is all together.” She seems to accept that, retracting her hoof and making her way into the kitchen. I take a seat on the couch, laying down.

“Oh, cheer up Floyd.” Pinkie sits beside me... how she doesn’t phase through the couch is beyond me. “Besides, this gives us time to plan our next move!”

What do you mean ‘plan’? You actually plan things out?

“Well of course I do.” She rolls her eyes, giving me a ‘duh’ look. “I’m the premiere party pony after all, of course I have plans!”

So uh... what exactly do you have in mind?

She smiles that big old Pinkie smile, her eyes shining a bit. “Well...”

Well... this is awkward as all hell. The Pie family, plus myself, are all seated at the dinner table, quietly eating our lunch. Did I mention all eyes are on me right now? Maud is giving me her trademark blank stare, Igneous is glaring at me like I slept with his daughter or something... oh... right. Cloudy is giving me a cautious look, Limestone gives me a hateful look and Marble won’t look at me at all. Pinkie smiles, trying to be supportive.

“How long until you’re out of Pinkie?” Limestone asks, her tone more aggressive than her glare.

“Limestone Pie!” Cloudy chastises, “Thou read the princess’s letter just like the rest of us, thou knowest this isn’t any of Floyd’s fault.”

I raise an eyebrow briefly and Pinkie speaks up. “Oh, Mom always talks like that when Dad’s around. He likes it that way.” With a mental shrug, I reply.

“No, no,” I pipe up, looking away from my lettuce sandwich, “He asked a fair question. To be honest sir, I really have no idea how long I’m going to be in Pinkie’s body. Hopefully not too long, the princesses are working to get me my own body as we speak.”

This seems to placate her, the younger mare leaning back in her seat.

“Well... how do we know Pinkie is okay?” Marble asks in a barely audible whisper, giving me an unsure look.

“Agreed. How are we to know our daughter is still well?” Igneous adds, glaring at me. I gulp, looking between them, each giving me an expectant look.

Pinkie! Help!

“Just relax, Floyd,” Pinkie taps her chin, tongue sticking out of the side of her mouth, looking deep in thought. “Aha!” she proclaims, a light bulb appearing above her head. “I have some secret stashes of party supplies all over the farm! I’ll simply give you directions to each of them!”

I suppose that will work.

“Alright, how about this? Pinkie told me that she has some stashes hidden around the farm. She suggested that I take you to each of them to prove that she’s okay.”

They all exchange looks before turning back to me. “We shall givest thou this chance Mr. Floyd, but just the chance.”

“Thanks. And please, just call me Floyd.” I get up, looking at Pinkie. After you Pinks. I gesture toward the exit, watching her.

“Yupperooni!” she smiles, starting to hop out of the room, humming a tune to herself.

I shake my head, wondering just how far she could get away from me. “This way please.” I say, starting to follow her. The others trot behind me as Pinkie leads us out into the fields.

“It should be right... here!” Pinkie proclaims, pointing to a rather nondescript pile of rocks.

It’s... a pile of rocks Pinks...

“It’s under the rocks silly!”

I just sigh, moving over to the pile. I move the rocks out of the way, revealing a hole in the ground. I peer down inside, my eyes going wide. There's a huge fucking cavern down there, with party stuff everywhere.

“Pinkie when you said stash, I thought you meant you know, a few things. There’s a whole damn Batcave down there!”

“This was my base of party operations. All of my party supplies are here. I have one in Ponyville, with info on everypony's likes and dislikes. Which reminds me, I have to make a file on you...”

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Kinda creepy if you ask me Pinkie, but seriously, Twilight is scared of quesadillas? That's just fucking lame. Freddy would have the worst time here.

“So how’s that for proof?” I ask, taking a step away from the hole, letting each of them peer down into the cave.

“Hmm... you could have just read her diary or something!” Limestone countered, giving me a suspicious look.

“Oh for the love of...” I facepalm, letting out a long sigh. Alright, Pinkie, tell me some secret thing that only you would know about one of these chuckle fu-heads.

“Ok um... let me think...” Pinkie sits down next to me, tapping her chin. “Oh I know! Let Maud know that I know that she doesn’t actually eat the rock candy necklaces.”

Ok seriously, Pinkie that's some 1984 stuff right there.

“Alright. Maud.” I turn to her, locking eyes. “Pinkie knows that you don’t actually eat the rock candy necklaces.”

Maud actually reacts to that, her eyes widening ever so slightly. “She does?”

“Yeah, she does, but she makes them anyway because she knows they make you happy.”

Maud goes quiet again before turning to the others. “I believe...” She pauses for a moment and turns back to me. “Do you prefer male or female pronouns?”

I just shrug. “I don’t mind either. Just go with whatever you're comfortable with.”

She nods. “I believe her.”

“Well...” Igneous puts a hoof to his chin, giving me an appraising look. “If Maud believest thou, I suppose I can givest thou a chance.”

“Sweet!” I smirk, fist pumping. Things are finally going my way! About fucking time if you ask me!

“I do have to ask, why is my grown daughter a blank flank?”

I wince, looking back at said flank. “Well... that's a bit of a story. Let’s go back to the house and I’ll explain everything...” We walk back, with me relaying to them the events of Our Town, while also conveying Pinkie’s commentary on the whole affair. “Everyone else got their cutie mark back except us...” I reach into my saddlebags to pull out the jar, the cutie mark floating around in it.

“Does the princess know why it won’t go back on?” Cloudy asks, looking at the cutie mark, a look of awe on her face.

“She has her own idea but... I know why... deep down I know...” I stare into the jar, a wave of sadness washing over me, tears starting to well from my eyes. “It’s because this is Pinkie’s mark... and I’m not her. As long as I’m in here, it won’t go back on.” I close my eyes, the tears flow. “I’m sorry... I’m so, so sorry. I’m stealing Pinkie’s life and now the very core of her being won’t even return to her. It would have been better if Discord had just let me die...” I open my eyes as I feel a hoof on my chin, lifting my gaze up.

“Don’t talk like that,” Maud gently scolds, gazing into my eyes, “It’s not your fault you ended up here.”

“But...” I weakly protest.

“There are no buts, you're here now and while you didn’t choose it, you have to make the best of it. I don’t want to hear you talking like that again, do you understand?”

“Y-yeah Maud, I understand...” I give her a nod, wiping at my eyes.

“Good.” Maud moves forward, pulling me into a hug, resting her chin on my head. I gingerly hug her back, still a bit shaken up. “You can hug harder you know, I won’t break.”

I smile a little at her encouragement, tightening my hug. A few beats later the rest of the Pie family joins in, with Pinkie standing to the side smiling.

“See Floyd? I told you they’d love you!”

I smile back at her, closing my eyes. Maybe there was a silver lining to this after all?

The past week has just been great. After our big hug, the Pie family was much more amicable. Well, mostly. Pinkie should have warned me about that big rock. I mean geez, it’s a freaking rock, not the Hope Diamond.

“It’s Holder’s Boulder,” Pinkie explains, standing next to me as we look up at the damn thing.

“Who?” I ask, tilting my head a little to the side.

“He’s our great, great, great, great, great great grandfather! Holder Cobblestone!” Pinkie exclaims, rearing up on her hind legs. “He found the boulder in a dragon’s nest and then built the farm around it!”

Huh... I walk around it, examining it rather closely. You think...you think it could be some unhatched dragon egg?

“I dunno Floyd, it’d be an awfully big dragon. I mean Spike’s a baby dragon and he’s tiny like a foal, unless it’s an egg full of tiny eggs...”

That's ridiculous. I roll my eyes, placing my hoof on the rock.

“I told you not to touch the boulder!!” Limestone shrieks. I turn to the left, my eyes wide, only for her to collide with me, sending us both tumbling away.

“What the fuck!?” I growl, kicking her off me, getting to my hooves. “What the hell is wrong with you!?”

“I told you not to touch the boulder!” Limestone growls, looking me in the eyes. “What part of that did you not understand!?”

“It’s a rock! I’m not going to break it by touching it! Jesus! You’re all fucking insane!” I snort, glaring at her.

“I’m not the one wearing someone else’s body!” she snaps back, shoving me. I growl, pouncing on her, throwing a hoof at her face. I catch her in the jaw, knocking her head back. She blinked a few times before she got her hind legs under me and bucked me in the stomach.

“Bitch!” I hiss, falling off her and onto my back. She pounces on me and we roll around, trading blows.

“Floyd! Limestone! Just calm down ok!?” Pinkie shouts, her eyes wide as she watches us tumble around.

“Quiet Pinkie! I’m beating your sister’s ass!” I shout at her, landing a shot on her eye. She pauses, glaring at me.

“Don’t tell my sister to shut up!” she glares, unleashing a can of whoop ass on me. Dear god she hits hard. I knew earth ponies were strong but god, this hurts! I hold my arms in front of me, weathering the storm of hoof blows before I feel her being pulled off me. I look up, breathing heavily, to see Maud, holding Limestone by her mane.

“What are you doing?” Maud asks the screaming mare, who glares back at her younger sister.

“That jackass hit me!” she snarls, looking at me rather hatefully.

“And why did Floyd hit you?” Maud asks, not seeming at all strained to keep Limestone away from me.

“I caught her touching Holder’s Boulder again! I told her not to!” Limestone growls, locking eyes with me.

“Floyd?” Maud asks, looking up at me.

“It’s a rock, I got curious. Didn’t give her the right to tackle me!” I snap, wobbling a little as I get to my hooves.

“Limestone, what did I tell you?” Maud asks, her voice taking one a slight tone of annoyance.


“Floyd is not in a good place right now. Mentally, I mean. And tackling her for touching Holder's Boulder isn't helping.”

“But Maud-”

“I told you Floyd was fragile.” Maud lets Limestone go, trotting over to me. “Come on Floyd, I’ll help you get cleaned up.”

“Thanks Maud...” I sigh, leaning on her, letting her lead me back into the house.

“Gee Floyd... I knew Limestone could get mean sometimes but I didn’t think she’d hurt anypony...” Pinkie laments, walking next to us.

“Hey... don’t worry about it. I mean, if someone was possessing my sister, I think I’d have a problem with it too...” Maud sits me down on a stool, grabbing a first aid kit. “Ow!” I hiss as she dabs at a cut with some peroxide.

“You have to stay still,” Maud says, letting me calm down before continuing.

“Yeah well, that s-crap stings like hell!” I wince, sucking in a lungful of air.

“It could have been worse.” She keeps going, much to my displeasure. “Floyd?” she asks, pausing in her task.

“Yeah?” I ask, releasing the breath I had been holding, the various injuries I’ve sustained starting to actively hurt now.

“I know you have... unpleasant thoughts in your head.” Again, she states this as a fact. “Whenever you feel like they’re too much, I want you to hug me.”

“Hug you?” I ask, blinking, looking at her like she was crazy.

“It’ll help.” She put her tools down, pulling me into a hug. I blink again before returning her hug.

“Maud is best big sister!” Pinkie beams, joining in on the hug as well, even if she phased through us.

I guess so Pinkie, but I wouldn’t know... I’ve never had a sibling before...

Other than that, lots of laughter was shared, stories were told and bonds were formed. Okay, I had a few more breakdowns but I’m doing better! I swear!

“Are you sure you have everything?” Cloudy asks, giving me that fretful mother look. “Do you need any extra tea bags?”

“Cloudy, I’m fine, my bags are full to bursting as it is.” I gesture to my bulging saddlebags. “Any more and I’m pretty sure they’ll pop!”

“Well if you’re... sure...”

“She’ll be fine dear,” Igneous chides, rolling his eyes, “You stay safe, ya hear Floyd?”

“You got it!” I smile, giving him a salute. I blink, turning to see Maud walking up, wearing her own pair of saddlebags. “Uh... Maud? Whatcha doin’?”

“I’m going with you,” she informs me, though I don’t think I can argue with her.

“Hey, uh, Floyd...” Limestone speaks up, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Yeah?” I ask, letting a bit of disdain leak into my voice, still not exactly over the fight.

“I... well... I’m sorry...” she looks away, sighing heavily. “I know it’s not your fault you're in Pinkie and I shouldn’t have blamed you for it....”

I stare at her intently, narrowing my eyes. I’m well within my rights to tell her to fuck off, she freaking beat me up!

“Floyd, Limestone is sorry and she’s basically your sister now,” Pinkie pipes up, trotting over to her sister. “Family always sticks together and they always make up.”

I let out a sigh, shaking my head. “Alright, alright, you're forgiven, but if you shove me again I’m not going to be a happy man.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to do that again...” She rubs her arm and we fall into a very awkward silence, not broken until Marble manages to speak up.

“You’ll write to us, right?” Marble asks, giving me puppy dog eyes. I just giggle, shaking my head.

“Of course I will, I don’t think Pinkie would forgive me if I didn’t keep you guys in the loop.” I look over as the train whistles, and the conductor orders all aboard. “Well, that's our cue!” I jump a little as they all pull me into a group hug. I just smile, hugging them back.

It’s Maud who pulls us out of the hug. “The train is about to leave,” she points out, looking at her family, “Take care.” She trots onto the train.

“Huh... not one for goodbyes, is she. Well, thank you for putting me up for the week, it was nice meeting you all.” I move onto the train, waving at them. They wave back, staying on the platform as the train starts to pull away.

“Floyd, are you crying?”

Shuddup Pinkie. I move over to Maud, placing my saddlebags down before sitting next to her.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the company Maud but uh... what about your uh... rocktorate?” I inquire, getting comfy on the bench.

“I need to write a thesis, and what better way to do research for that than getting samples from all over Equestria?” she explains, and we lapse into a comfortable silence. I lay my head down, letting the gentle rocking of the train lull me to sleep.

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