My Name Is Floyd Damn You!

by Grey Ghost

Floyd In: Crystal Blues in the Kingdom of Love

I stretch my limbs out, yawning softly. Train rides are always so damn long here in Equestria, I should talk to Celestia about making teleporter pads or something. I’m stretched out on my seat, with Q laying on me. He’s sleeping, not minding as I pet his head.

“So, how much longer until we get to the damn Empire?” I ask, glancing over at Blueblood. The constant train rides are driving me up a wall. I’m so sick of seeing walls for the vast majority of my waking hours. This must be what going stir crazy is like.

“Relax, Floyd.” Blueblood looks up from his book. “We should be arriving shortly. Why don’t you tell us a story or something?”

Frowning, I meet his gaze. “Eh, the soul crushing walls of this place have strangled my creative juices.” I sit up, gazing out the window. To add to the sterileness of the train cars, the scenery outside has since been replaced with snow covered everything.

Snow’s always been a weird thing to me. Growing up in the southwest US, you don’t see a whole lot of it. Sure, it snowed on campus, but whenever that happened, I just hid out in my dorm room.

“Fortunately for you, you don’t have to hide in your room!” Pinkie bounces over, peering out with me. “The Empire’s climate controlled! Probably rent controlled too.” The last half of that sentence seems to intrigue her. “Actually, would time displaced ponies have a concept of rent control?”

“S’not something we gotta worry about.” I wave her off, picking Q up and placing him down on the seat. “We’re only visiting, we don’t have to worry about paying rent.” Lazily sliding off the seat, I get back on my hooves. “Alright, I need to walk around a bit.”

Getting a few acknowledgements, I move out of the car and into the next. We’re totally getting an airship next time. Anything is better than these damn train walls! Noting the car is empty, I open a window and scream into the blizzard. Sure, I get bombarded with snow and cold, but at least I’m not holding that in anymore.

“That’s better...” I mutter, pulling my head back in and shaking the snow out of my mane. “Much, much better.” Closing the window, I fight off a shiver. “Could do without the chill though.”

A whistling sound perks my ears, getting my attention. It seems to be coming from a brass horn in the ceiling. “Attention passengers, we’ll be arriving in the Crystal Empire soon. Please prepare yourselves for passing through the barrier.”

“Oh thank god!” I exclaim, tossing my arms into the air. “Get me outta this tin can!” Yeah, I’m probably being overly dramatic, but you know what? You try being stuck on a train for days at a time. Doing that vibrating thing Pinkie does, I bounce in place in anticipation.

A wave of pink passes through the car, sending tingles along my body. “Oooh~ Now that’s a rush!” Darting back into our car, I practically zip around, packing up my stuff. “This time we’re staying a few days. No trains, no map, no crazy stalker unicorns. Just a nice visit to a beautiful place.”

“That does sound nice.” Blue closes this book, getting up. Lighting his horn, he begins to gather up his things. “I know a few places of interest around the city.” He nudges me gently with a smile. “Out of the way from the tourist traps.”

“Awesome.” I nudge him back, putting my saddlebags on. I hold in a squee to keep from fanboying out. After some more boring packing, which I won’t narrate, we get off the train and onto solid ground. I let out a shout of joy, ignoring the looks I got. “Finally! Out of that damn tube!”

“Well, I’m glad you could stop by for a visit.”

I turn my head to see Cadance standing at the end of the platform. A pair of guards stand to either side, one of them being Flash Sentry. Judging by the look of disappointment, he was probably hoping to see Twilight again. Ah well, he’ll woo Purple Smart soon enough.

“Trust me,” I begin, moving over to her. “Anywhere is better than another day with nothing to do.” I stop in front of her, taking in all of Cadance’s ‘Pink Aisle’ glory. “Sup, Cadance? Solve any love problems today?”

Cadance giggles, regarding me with a smile. “Blueblood was right, you certainly are a unique one. A pleasure to meet you, Floyd. Hopefully, you’ll actually be the first to take my request and not call me Princess.”

“Pfft!” I wave a hoof, meeting her smile with one of my own. “I don’t even use Celestia and Luna’s titles. Dontcha worry about a thing, Cadie.” Just don’t overdo it, Floyd. Your personality type walks a thin line here. Don’t alienate the love princess.

“Cadie!” Blueblood calls, nearly galloping over. He embraces the pink alicorn, the two of them sharing a quick nuzzle. “I missed you! You need to visit more often; Canterlot is just so dreary without you.”

“You’re always so dramatic, Blue.” Cadance pats his back before pulling away. “Honestly, if the state of Canterlot bothers you so much, why not change it yourself?”

Blueblood puts on a face, straightening his mane. “And get my hooves dirty? Perish the thought, dearest cousin! As Equestria’s foremost prince, I have an image to maintain!” His act only lasts a second before the pair devolve into laughter. “Seriously though, it’s good to see you, Cadie.”

“Same to you, Blue.” Cadance’s smile grew as the others joined us. “Welcome to the Crystal Empire, everypony. Blueblood sent word ahead of time that you were stopping by. Allow me to make sure your time with us is the best it can be.”

“Ah yes, Cadie, this is Jason, Maud Pie and Cheese Sandwich,” Blueblood introduced, gesturing to the trio in question. “I don’t think I need to introduce Pinkie Pie.”

“Not in the slightest!” Pinkie cheered, bouncing around Cadance. “How’s my favorite pink princess doing?! Did you start the Love Boat yet?”

Rolling my eyes, I can’t help but smile. “I dunno if you can see her or not, but, Pinkie’s glad to see you too, Cadance.”

Cadance’s horn lit up, her eyes following Pinkie’s movements. “I’m afraid I can’t see or hear her, but I can sense her love aura. It’s grown a lot since her last visit. A nice mix of platonic, familial and...” her smile turned mischievous, her eyes glancing at Cheese. “Romantic.”

That last comment gets a bristle from Maud, who blinks ever more purposefully than usual. I decide to step in before Maud starts strangling Cheese. “We’re happy to be here, Cadance! After fighting wand ass and her spoopy, scary skeleton, we could use a break.”

Taken aback, either by my swearing or the mention of skeletons, Cadance drops her magic. “Well, I don’t want to hold you up then. Please, follow me to the palace and I’ll get you settled in.” Turning away, she nods to her guards and begins to walk away.

The group begins to follow her, happily chatting amongst themselves. A nudge from Jason pokes my side, getting my attention. “Sup, Jay? You feeling alright?” I frown slightly, seeing him fidget around.

“I dunno... there’s just... so much love...” Shaking his head, Jason swoons. “It’s like I’m drunk on good vibrations. It’s making me itchy and spazzy.” He scratches at various parts of his body, muttering to himself.

I think for a moment, rubbing my chin. “Well, we are in the Crystal Empire, the place runs off love. It’s like France, except the love is actually in the air. That, or you’re just wigging out cause Cadance is like a love generator.”

Jason pouts, giving me a look. “Right, that’s why it’s happening. That doesn’t help me stop it, now does it.”

Snorting, I poke his head. “Oi, don’t get snippy with me. I’m not the one who turned you into a bad OC.” A thought occurs to me, making me look from Blueblood to Cadance. “I have no idea if Blue told her about your... uh, condition. That might be a problem.”

“How can she not know?” Jason questioned, continuing his itching. “Considering how freaked Starr-o was, I can’t imagine she didn’t tell her fellow pegacorns about it.”

“Alicorns, we’re alicorns,” Cadance gently corrects, giggling as Jay jumps back in surprise. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but yes, I know. As long as you don’t go around impersonating people or other related things, you won’t be bothered.”

“That’s... good...” Jason agrees, doing his best to smile at her. “Er, thank you, Cadance. I’m still pretty new to all of this stuff.”

I let the two of them chat about changeling stuff, taking the moment to just take in our surroundings. The Crystal Empire is just beautiful, the way the light moves through the crystals, it’s like a kaleidoscope puked everywhere. I can only imagine how trippy getting high here would be.

“Geez, is that all you think about, Floyd? I think you have a problem.” Pinkie trots beside me, wearing a smile. “It really is pretty though! Nana Pinkie always said happiness was full of bright colors, and the Empire sure proves that!”

With a laugh, I wink at her. “You say that now, but wait til you get a taste of Peyote. Stuff’s life changing.” Returning to my observations, I take a moment to watch the crystal ponies.

“Come on, Floyd, we’ve pony watched enough.” Pinkie turns, moving away from me. “Sides, the others are getting ahead of us!”

“I’m right with ya, Pinkie!” I call, trotting after her. We had a few days of fun and relaxation in a place that the Crystal Gems would just die to live in. I’m not going to let this chance of a nice visit slip me by.

---

Jason stayed to the fringes of the crowds, his emotional senses still a bit too much for him. After being shown to their rooms, the group had dispersed, each going about their own agendas. Needing to be on his own for a bit, Jason went to the marketplace, content to watch the crystal ponies going about their day.

His reasoning for his meanderings were two fold: firstly, a brief separation from his family, new and old, was in order. At least to clear his head. Secondly, energy buzzed in his veins, making the first objective more than a little hard. It felt like his blood had been replaced with caffeine, his thoughts were jumbled and more than a little wandering.

“Must be all the love or whatever,” Jason muttered to himself, watching a couple nuzzle each other. “Feels like I chugged a keg of Red Bull.” Shaking himself, he vainly attempted to shake the feeling. “God damnit.”

Resisting the urge to spaz out, Jason started to move again. He noted rather quickly that no one was all that bothered by a child walking around on their own. ‘Must be an ‘it takes a village’ thing,’ he thought, stopping to buy a drink from a stall. ‘Must be nice for actual kids here.’

“Jason.”

“Gah!” Jason dropped his cup, whirling around to see Maud standing behind him. “Maud! Jesus Christ, the hell is wrong with you!? Don’t do that!”

Reaching a hoof out, she turned his head towards the crowd. “My Maud Sense is going off. Starlight Glimmer followed us to the Empire.”

He stared out into the sea of ponies for a moment before turning back to Maud. “You mean that crazy bi-mmmhp!”

Maud looked down at Jason, her hoof in his mouth. “No swearing,” she informed, pulling her hoof back. “You have no reason to swear.”

Spitting the dirt out of his mouth, Jason glared up at the taller mare. “Oh, and Floyd does?” Grunting, he gestured with a hoof. “What do you want to do about the crazy stick he-” He growled, finding her hoof in his mouth again.

“No racial slurs.”

Slapping her hoof away, Jason spit again. “Do that again, Maud. You’ll be cutting goo out of your mane for a week.” Keeping a glare on her, he waited until she blinked before continuing. “Okay, so, the crazy unicorn found us. Shouldn’t we tell Cadance or something?”

Maud blinked, looking back out at the crowd. “That would be the smart thing.”

Jason felt a frown forming, his stomach turning into a pit. “That’s not what we’re going to do, is it?”

“Floyd needs a relaxing few days,” Maud replied, coaxing Jason onto her back. “We’re going to make sure he gets them.” Without further notice, she began to move into the crowd. “Use your emotional sense to find her.”

“Yeah, okay, cause that’s sssooo easy.” Jason snorted, gazing at the ponies around them. Deciding that he wasn’t going to get out of there, he closed his eyes and began to feel out the emotions around them. He couldn’t exactly tell them apart besides which was love, but he put that to the back of his mind.

It was actually rather nice, riding on someone’s back. A wave of nostalgia passed over him, bringing to mind visits to the park as a child and more than one piggyback ride. Shaking his head, he frowned. ‘I’m getting way too comfortable with being a kid again.’

A thought crossed his mind, making him gulp. If changelings were bugs did that mean he’d have to... molt? He shuddered, sticking his tongue out at the image. ‘That’s freaking disgusting, why did I have to get stuck as a bug horse?’

Maud’s ears twitched, her monotone breaking Jason’s thoughts. “Do you feel anything?”

“I’m continually disgusted by my own nature,” Jason replied, opening his eyes. “The only upside is I don’t have to use the bathroom anymore.”

“Focus,” Maud chided, weaving through the throng of ponies. “Even if you're still a nymph, you’re a queen nymph. Your abilities are above normal changelings.”

Jason frowned. “You really don’t know how to keep a secret huh? Just broadcast it out to everyone, will you?”

“Most ponies don’t pay that much attention to passers by,” Maud countered, pausing at a crossroads. “Try and focus.”

“Fine, fine.” Hunkering down, Jason closed his eyes, opening his senses once more. Sifting through everything that came to him, Jason attempted to find Starlight. “What am I even looking for?”

“Something that stands out from the crowd,” Maud explained, falling silent again.

“Right, okay, everyone's all lovey dovey here... Who isn’t?” Sweeping his head from one side to the other, he browsed through the chorus of emotion. There were notes here and there of things other than what he knew to be love. Standing up, he turned in place, getting a 360° view. Finally, he found it.

Blazing like a bonfire, someone made their way down the street on his right, a veritable beacon of emotions. “That way,” Jason instructed, pointing with a hoof. “I think she’s going that way.”

Maud turned, following Jason’s directions. “Good job,” Maud praised, with as much monotone as she usually had.

“How do you even - go right - know how this stuff works?” Jason questioned, cracking an eye open to look down at her. “You aren’t uh...?”

“No, I’m a pony. It’s just my Maud Sense.” The older mare followed his directions without error, easily navigating the crowd. “It’s something all Pies have.”

“What’s that like Spider-Sense? Tell you when danger's around or-left-something?”

“It’s more like...” Maud thought for a moment, rounding a corner. “It’s more that I can tell what’s causing my family distress. Pinkie’s gives her warnings about immediate events.”

“And what about the rest of your family?”

“Limestone knows whenever someone touches Holder’s Boulder.” Moving to Jason’s instructions, she proceeded with a strange form of grace. “Marble’s tells her when we need to eat something that isn’t a rock.”

“...You eat rocks?” Jason asked, his concentration faltering. “How?”

“We have strong teeth.”

Sighing, Jason centered himself once more and picked up the trail he had dropped. Maud was family now, and he just had to deal with it. It was going to be a long day, and he just knew there wasn’t going to be a break until they caught themselves a crazed unicorn.

---

The crystal empire never truly lost its luster. Perhaps, Blueblood thought, it did to those that lived here. To them, the gem architecture was just a background element. To an outsider, the city was a source of never ending awe.

And it seemed like it was lost on his date. Floyd trotted beside him, eyes locked on the ground. Frowning slightly, Blueblood put a hoof on his shoulder. “Floyd, are you alright? I know the empire can be hard on the eyes, but I don’t think the roads are all that interesting.”

“Huh?” Floyd lifted his head, blinking slowly. “Oh. Sorry. I was thinking about... things.”

“Things?”

“Yes,” Floyd reiterated. “Things. I do a lot of that.”

Blueblood contemplated for a comment, using a bit of magic to purchase a flower. “I think you need to take a break from all of that thinking.” Placing the flower in Floyd’s mane, he smiled. “We’re on vacation, remember?”

Floyd touched the flower, a small smile blossomed across his muzzle. “Yeah, but that doesn’t stop the thoughts, ya know?”

Steering Floyd towards a park, Blueblood placed an arm around his barrel. “That’s a feeling I can understand. Even if I’m wearing a lighter crown, the burdens of office have a bad habit of keeping me up at night.”

“And how do you deal with it?” Stopping at a small pond, Floyd peered down into the water. “Because mine are starting to get pretty intrusive.”

Glancing at the reflection, Blueblood attempted to decipher Floyd’s thoughts. “Aren’t they always? We just have to work through it and focus on what really matters.”

Floyd turned, his smile turning melancholy. “Honestly, I think that’s part of the issue.”

Bumping Floyd’s shoulder, Blueblood nuzzled into his side. “If you can’t talk about it to me, I won’t pry. But, perhaps a conversation with Cadance would help? She’s a good listener?”

Nodding slowly, Floyd bestowed a kiss onto his head. “I’ll do that. Tonight though.” Poking his nose, Floyd brightened up. “Come on! I want to see more of the empire!”

Emitting a mirthful sound, Blueblood followed after him. Their path zigzagged between the spokes of the empire. He found that he absolutely loved the way Floyd’s face lit up upon partaking in a crystal pastry for the first time.

He made the conscious decision to avoid clothing and the like. Though he pledged to get something made when Floyd and Pinkie were separated. Perhaps a matching set for the two of them... Next year's gala would be one to remember, he’d make sure of it.

Their meandering brought them to a tiny book shop, tucked away in the back of an alley. ‘Rook’s Book Nook read the sign, shimmering in the sliver of light that pierced the surrounding buildings.

Floyd, perhaps driven to explore her new talent, took a detour inside. Her features upturned in wonder, gazing around the quaint shop.

The must of pages wafted towards the door. Rows of shelves, illuminated by magic fire, beckoned them closer. A draconic skull and other occult objects decorated the space. A crystal unicorn, clad in elaborate robes, greeted them with a smile.

“Welcome!” the stallion bowed, crossing an arm across his chest. “I am Onyx Rook, and this is my humble business. How may I help you?”

Floyd approached the counter, still taking in the ambiance. “We’re just browsing at the moment, thank you. I gotta say, love the shop though. Really digging the vibe.”

Puffing his chest out, Rook ran a hand through his mane. “Why thank you, m’lady. My shop is much like it was before that pretender took the throne. With him gone, I’ve been able to restore it and my stock.”

“It’s always a welcome sight to see a stallion proud of his work,” Blueblood said, taking over the conversation.

Leaving the stallions to talk, Floyd trailed down one of the aisles. Reading the titles, he stopped on a particularly old volume. ‘Treatises on the lord of Chaos, Discord’ its spine proudly proclaimed.

Easing the tome from its place, she cracked it open. Much of the book was written in an older language, similar to middle English. Deciphering it proved a momentary challenge. Finding a random page, she began to read.

“Amongst the draconequues's greatest mysteries is the rumor of a library. Said to be a repository of the stranger objects and tomes of the land, none have succeeded in breaching its walls. Nay, its ability to wander the world has thwarted all attempts to enter.”

Reading the passage again and again, Floyd lifted her gaze from the pages. A smile formed across her muzzle, weight falling from her soul. This was the answer. The solution to the very problem her existence was built on.

“Hey, Blue! Come here for a second...”

Comments

[Arcticlizard52]

Wow it's been a while since this got an update. Remind me again why Starlight is following them

[Fresnor]

Twilight is either going to kill him for hiding that, or marry him to get to it.

[tsaukpaetra]

Time to fetch a McGuffin!
Welcome back! Been a while so we've lost a bit of the plot, but here's to hoping they can rest and relax before slipping further into the deep end...

[Dinokid11]

Glad you are back and Excellent work can’t wait to see what happens next

[Sylica telca]

Getting a few acknowledgements, I move out of the car and into the next. We’re totally getting an airship next time. Anything is better than these damn train walls! Noting the car is empty, I open a window and scream into the blizzard. Sure, I get bombarded with snow and cold, but at least I’m not holding that in anymore.

Then you'll be stuck seeing the same walls in the ship

[Sylica telca]

“That does sound nice.” Blue closes this book, getting up. Lighting his horn, he begins to gather up his things. “I know a few places of interest around the city.” He nudges me gently with a smile. “Out of the way from the tourist traps.”

Typo?

[bdoubleowo]

YOOOO. I remember reading this way back in 2016, now it's back and I am very excited.

[Admiral Q Ponyform]

Its LIVES!

[Minecraftgunner]

I love seeing old stuff being updated, I guess Ima reread this. I wish more of these unfinished fics from years ago would be updated, makes me feel warm inside

[KvAT]

Finally caught up. Hope I'll be able to read about Maud and Jason catching themselves a raging mare sometimes next year.