• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 8,659 Views, 749 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12

A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

  • ...

Floyd In: No ID? No Idea

So here I am again... laying on Rarity’s couch, bored out of my mind. Again. Applejack had to go back to her stall and the girls went off to crusade or something. So... that just left me and Pinkie, staring at the ceiling... bored. Bored bored bored.

Well, I could teach you how to juggle

Why in the world would I need to juggle?

Hey, juggling could save your life one day

I open my mouth to argue but that one episode of Regular Show comes to mind... alright Pinks, let’s juggle!

Woot! Okay, first we need stuff to juggle, umm... oh! Use Rarity’s gems!

As long as you know what you’re doing. I get up, moving over to Rarity’s gem chest. I take at least a dozen, moving back over to the couch. So... how do I do this?

Ok first, get up on your hind legs

This is going to end in tears, I just know it... I get up on my hind legs, wobbling a little. God I miss being naturally bipedal. Okay, now what?

Now just throw them up in the air and keep them there!

You have no idea how unhelpful that is. Fuck it. I toss the gems up into the air... and they just float there. Not falling, not going up, just floating there. I know time isn’t paused, as I can still hear birds and people outside.

I think you broke something

Ya think? Alright I can fix this. I jump up, grabbing a gem, hoping my weight will pull it down. Except... it doesn’t. Goddamnit! I broke reality. “Come on you stupid thing! Get out of the air!”

“Um... Pinkie?” Rarity’s voice asks, cutting into my struggles. I turn my head to see her and Twilight standing in the doorway, looking both amused and confused at my antics.

“Oh uh... hi guys...” I say with a chuckle. “Not Pinkie, Floyd, remember? And I think I broke something. Pinkie was trying to teach me how to juggle.”

“You broke... gravity?” Twilight asks, raising her eyebrow.

“Maybe?” I ask, suddenly thinking of that one Ed, Edd n Eddy episode where they broke reality and Eddy ate the moon. That was a weird episode. A moment later, gravity has had enough with my shenanigans and reasserts its dominance, sending my chubby ass to the floor along with the gems.

Hey! We are not fat!

I said chubby, not fat. I’m not even sure what’s overweight for a pony anyway. I manage to, somehow, twist in mid-air, landing on all fours like a cat. “Alright, that’s over with, let’s do this talking thing shall we?”

Twilight just stares at me for a while, obviously not happy about my affront to the laws of nature. “So... you claim that you're not Pinkie Pie?” she asks, moving closer to me, narrowing her eyes in scrutiny.

“Yup, name’s Floyd, nice to uh, meet you Twilight,” I say with a sheepish laugh as the alicorn walks around me. She stops, lights her horn up, and casts some weird spell on me. “The hell was that?!” I demand, feeling my skin crawl.

Hehe! That tickled!

Ugh! I feel like I just got slimed...

“That was a changeling detection spell,” Twilight explains, looking me over once more. “You passed but I’m still not convinced you are who you say you are.”

Why did I think this was going to be easy?

“I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have revealed myself to you if I was a changeling, and that spell would have blown whatever cover I had.”

“Still, I’m going to run a blood test on you,” she continues, conjuring up some supplies. Oh for the love of god I’ve never wanted to facepalm harder in my life.

“I need a smoke...” I mutter before my eyes widen. If I am in Equestria, which most likely is a happy, peaceful world, then I highly doubt drugs exist, even the legal ones. Oh that’s just lovely: New body, species and gender topped off with withdrawal! I certainly hit the big times here. At least I just have the mental addiction... though I’m not sure if that’s worse than the physical symptoms. “Ow!” I glare at Twilight, who is holding a vial of what I assume is my blood, adding a little heat to it, and jiggling it around to... mix it? When nothing happens, she lets out a sigh of relief.

“Looks like you’re clear.” She gives me a smile, which I returned. This is why Twilight isn’t Best Pony.

Who is? Is it me? Wait no it's Luna!

I dunno who best pony is Pinks, but it sure as hell ain’t Purple Smart over here.

“Ok now that you're sure I’m not a bug, can we please talk?” I ask, sitting on the couch, rubbing my arm where she drew the blood.

She nods, taking her own seat next to Rarity, “Of course. Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself?” She pulls out a scroll and a quill, making me laugh. “What?” she asks, frowning.

“It’s just, you guys still use quills. Geez Twilight, I’d have thought you’d have invented the ballpoint pen by now.”

“The... what now?” she asks, even more confused now.

“Hold on,” I say reaching into my mane, fishing around. I pull something out, smirking as I spot a ballpoint pen at the end of my hoof. “Catch,” I say, tossing it to Twilight. She catches it in her magic, looking it over. “Click the top.”

“That’s amazing!” she gasps, watching as the tip comes out.

“Heh, that’s rather adorable,” I comment, getting comfy.

“Twilight dear, I think we’re getting off topic,” Rarity clears her throat, getting the alicorn’s attention.

“Oh, right,” Twilight says with a blush. “So... tell us about yourself.”

“Well, I’m twenty-four, I’m a full time film student, I got a few films under my belt. I don’t have any siblings, my parents are... let’s just say they didn’t approve of my choices. I love horror movies and literature in general and I used to be a male human,” I ramble off, waving a hoof around aimlessly.

“You mentioned being male before,” Twilight looks up from her scroll, “Aren’t you upset about losing your gender?”

“Eh... not really,” I admit, looking back at her. “I’m asexual so... yeah, I wasn’t using it for anything anyway.”

“I know one meaning of asexual, but I suspect you're not using it in the same context, would you mind explaining?” Twilight inquires, being rather respectful.

“Since you asked so nicely,” I give her a smile. “Asexual, at least in this context, means that I have no sexual attraction to either gender. Basically, I have little to no drive to reproduce.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever met anypony like that,” Rarity says, looking me over.

“Oh, you have no idea how diverse human sexuality is, but,” I shake my head, “I’d rather not have a talk about the birds and bees to two talking ponies.”

“Okay...” Twilight frowns, probably having wanted to inquire further on that topic. “Let me ask you a few more questions...”

So, apparently to Twilight, ‘a few more questions’ translates into several hours worth of interrogation. The sun’s already setting and I’ve done nothing but talk all day... which is the opposite of what I normally do, that being sit around and listen to some old fart go on about how “Citizen Kane” is the best movie of all time.

That sounds boring

Oh it is, trust me.

“Are you sure you're going to be okay tonight?” Twilight asks as she walks me... home? I guess it is for the moment anyway.

“Yeah, I’ll be okay Twilight, no worries,” I assure her as we come up to the bakery. The lights are on inside and I pause. I locked the doors so either someone broke in or the Cakes are back. Oh shit, the Cakes are back! What the hell am I going to tell them!?

Just tell them the truth. They’ll probably understand and if not they’ll just think we’re being our usual self...

You okay? You seem a little... down.

Well... it’s just that, I realize that some ponies don’t think I’m all there...

Don’t worry about it, everyone is a little insane Pinkie, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. “Hey um, Twilight... could you stick around for a bit? To help explain things to the Cakes?”

“Sure, Floyd,” she says with a smile, leading us to the door. I take a deep breath, letting it out before pushing the door open. Sure enough, Mr. and Mrs. Cake are inside, busy in the kitchen. I assume they’ve already put the twins to bed.

“Oh there you are, Pinkie,” Mrs. Cake says with a smile, though it fades a little when she sees me look away. “Is everything alright?” she asks, concern evident on her face.

“Well you see... I’m not Pinkie Pie,” I start, looking down at my hooves. “My name is Floyd and I’m stuck in Pinkie’s body due to Discord’s fu– screw up. I swear I’m not some kind of monster, I’m just a guy who wanted to make movies...”

Silence fills the room and I just know the Cakes are exchanging looks with Twilight.

Pinkie... did you do something to make me not swear?

I just gave it a little poke. Please, please, please don’t swear around my friends and family. I don’t mind if you swear in here but foals could be listening outside

Alright Pinkie, I’ll try, it’s the least I could do, just... no promises, okay?

“So... Floyd... is Pinkie okay?” Mrs. Cake asks, trying to fill the silence.

“She’s in here,” I tap my head a few times, “I can hear her thoughts and she can see, hear and feel everything I do... probably taste and smell, too... I think, we’ll need to test that out later.”

“Thats a relief,” Mr. Cake said, though I can see him exchanging looks with Twilight. Yeah, they think I’m crazy, great.

“If its okay with all of you, I’m going to head up to bed,” I move toward the stairs, looking back at Twilight, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Purple Smart,” I say before trotting upstairs. So far so good, they haven’t kicked me out of anything yet so that’s always good. I move over to Pinkie’s room, my room now I suppose, and step inside. I know they’re talking about me downstairs but I just... don’t really care at the moment. As I move over to the bed, I feel something grab onto my tail, squeezing gently. I look over my shoulder to see Gummy hanging there.

We forgot about Gummy!

“Huh, I guess we did,” I agree, looking at the little gator. “Hey Gummy, um... hows it goin’?” I ask, giving him a small smile. He just blinks, one of his eyes locking onto me.

Aw, he missed us!

How can you tell? He’s just staring at us.

You’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry

If you say so. So... is he hungry or something? What does he eat?

Oh, yeah. Just give him some of the crickets in the container on the top shelf in the cabinet

Huh, so he’s like a big gecko. Makes sense, he has no teeth. I walk over to the cabinet, stand up on my hind legs, and gingerly remove the container. Hey Pinkie, does he have like a tank or something? I don’t think any of us want crickets running around freely.

It’s under my bed. Our bed? I only ever put him in there to eat. He likes to cuddle in bed at night, it’s great on hot summer nights

Heh an exothermic teddy bear, thats something only you could come up with. I pull the tank out, dangling Gummy over it. He releases my tail and drops into the tank, looking up at me expectantly.

Don’t give him too much or he’ll get a belly ache. I usually just give him a hoofful

I reach into the container with a grimace, grabbing some crickets and dropping them to their doom. I watch Gummy devour a few of them before putting the container back. So, should we get ready for bed while he eats?

Well we didn’t really do much today so I think we can skip a shower

Good, washing a coat of fur sounds like a pain in the ass. I trot into the bathroom, going about the motions: teeth brushing and all that. By the time I walk back into the bedroom, Gummy has finished his meal, sitting on his rock.

“Well come on, let’s get to bed, I just wanna catch some zzzs.” I lift him up before climbing into the bed, which is surprisingly easy with four legs and a gator in your arm. The little guy curls up to me, greedily taking in my body heat. So, yeah I’m now stuck in a world of talking ponies, I’ve become a pony and I’m sharing a bed with a toothless baby alligator that eats crickets. Yeah, life is strange.

Night Floyd, sleep tight

You too Pinkie, you too.

Princess Celestia looked up as a swirl of green smoke flew in the window and gathered in front of her face, coalescing back into a scroll. She sighed a little, catching it in her magic before it fell into her soup.

“Another letter from Twilight?” Luna asked, looking up from her breakfast. It was their daily ritual to share the last meal of the day together, when Luna was rising and Celestia was winding down.

“It seems so,” Celestia said with a nod. Unfurling the parchment, her eyes scanned over the letter.

Celestia read over the letter again, a frown forming on her face. Twilight had written to her before about Pinkie’s fragile mental state but she never thought the mare would have such a serious breakdown. She set the letter down, quickly writing her response before sending it on its way.

“Is something wrong ‘Tia?” Luna asked, watching with interest.

“There may be something very wrong with Pinkie Pie, and that bodes ill for us all,” Celestia said, passing the scroll to Luna before standing up. “I shall sleep on this, good night sister.” She moved out of the dining hall, heading toward her room. Hopefully she could get to the bottom of this in the next few days, all of Equestria could very well depend on it.