• Published 29th Mar 2015
  • 8,663 Views, 749 Comments

My Name Is Floyd Damn You! - shagohad12

A young man named Floyd is trapped inside of Pinkie Pie, and goes on a quest to find himself.

  • ...

Floyd In: The Ugly Truth

Did I mention I hate waking up? I really, really fucking hate waking up. I was enjoying a nice restful sleep, in a nice warm bed, and then Twilight had to march her smart purple ass in and ruin it. I spent a good five minutes ranting at her, with Pinkie censoring my swears, which made it sound rather hilarious.

At least I don’t dream. I don’t want to see what Pinkie dreams about.

Baking mostly. Oh, and sometimes Cheese Sandwich

Now I’m really glad I don’t dream. I don’t want to know how messed up your wet dreams are.

How can a dream be wet? Is it about swimming?

OK, not touching that one with a ten foot pole.

“You’re going to love them Floyd,” Twilight cuts in, sounding infuriatingly chipper this early in the morning. I fucking hate morning people. Anyone this happy in the morning is evil and should be shot so the rest of us can sleep in.

Shot with what? A party cannon?

Yeah, lets go with that. “Twilight, if Rainbow Dash gets in my face, I reserve the right to deck her.”

“Deck her?” Twilight asks, tilting her head to the side.

“Yeah, hit her in the face, hard.”

“You want to hit her!?” Twilight looks back at me with this wide eyed, horrified look.

“Only if she gets all up in my face.” I pause, looking up at the ugly ass crystal castle.

Hey, it’s not too bad

Yeah, it wouldn’t be in a place of crystal, like say, The Crystal Empire, not in the middle of a rustic town like this. I’m not too into fashion but this clashes more than plaid and tye-dye.

“Well, come on then,” Twilight says, composing herself. “And please, don’t hit anypony.” She pushes open the doors, trotting inside.

“I make no promises Twilight,” I tell her, walking in after her. God, despite not really fitting the town, the castle itself is rather amazing. I can see my reflection in everything, it’s kinda trippy, like a funhouse.

We continue into the... throne room? Foyer of Friendship? Let’s go with council room. I see the others sitting in their respective thrones, though I don’t see Spike anywhere.

“Girls,” Twilight speaks up, getting their attention, “This is Floyd, though most of us have already met... her?” She gives me a questioning look, and I respond with a noncommittal shrug.

“Sup?” I ask, giving a bit of a wave. Dash was the first to react, zipping up to me and getting in my face.

“You're the alien that jacked Pinkie huh?” she asked, glaring into my eyes.

“First off, my name is Floyd, and secondly, I didn’t choose this, it’s Discord’s fault. Now get out of my face before I move you myself.”

Dash just glares harder and we stare at each other, neither of us backing down.

“Oh my, I don’t think Discord would do something like that on purpose,” Fluttershy spoke up, probably trying to keep two of her best friends from getting into a fist fight.

“He straight up told me he did,” I counter, looking away from Dash, “I kind of want to hit him, a lot.”

“Are all humans so violent?” Applejack asks, looking at me with a pout.

“No, I’m mostly just frustrated, I’m not going to hit him, even if it would feel good.”

“You take joy in hitting ponies?” Fluttershy gasps, covering her mouth.

“No, I said it would feel good to hit him. I didn’t say that I enjoy hitting people,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“Good job there Floyd, alienating ponies already,” Discord comments, appearing in the center of the room.

“Oh be quiet, ya Q rip off,” I hiss at him, narrowing my eyes, “Don’ make me get scary again.”

Discord’s eyes go a little wide and I swear he just gulped. “Now, now Floyd, you're just being a little... what's the expression? Pissy, thats it.”

“I think I have a right to be when you stole me away from my life!” I shout, glaring hard up at him. I want to strangle this asshole, why didn’t you leave my hands, you traitorous bastards!

“And I told you it was an accident! I didn’t do it on purpose!” he argues, crossing his arms. “Lyra wanted to see a human and I opened a little window for her and you happened to fall through the cracks.”

“That doesn’t let you off the hook!” I scream, moving to pounce on him, only to be held in place by Twilight’s magic. I thrash around pitifully, letting out a scream of rage. I keep going for a few moments before giving up and just floating there, panting a little. I blink, feeling a sudden warmth spread throughout my body. Pinkie is that you?

Yeah, I thought you could use a hug

Heh, only you could come up with a brain hug. I look around, seeing that the ponies were all wearing slightly horrified looks. I’d probably be wearing a similar look if my normally cheery friend just tried to maul someone.

“Ok... I’m good, you can put me down now Twilight,” I look at her, feeling rather exhausted from my outburst, both mentally and physically. She studies me for a moment before releasing me, though I can tell she’s ready to grab me again if I try anything.

“You should really be thanking me Floyd,” Discord looks down at me, having covered himself in body armor. “Who knows where you’d be right now?”

“I’d be home, you jackass,” I say with a weak glare, most of my anger having been vented.

“No, you’d be dead.”

I stop, blinking up at him in confusion, “The hell are you talking about?”

“Floyd, I told a half-truth before. It was an accident, and I was helping a friend, but the reason you can’t go home is because well... you bit the bullet, as it were.”

“W-what....?” I ask dumbly, staring up at him. He’s just fucking with me, theres no way I died, I would have remembered that.

“See, that little window I opened up was right at your theater set. You were up on the catwalk and while Lyra and I were watching, the supports gave out and you fell. Head first. I was going to lend a claw but the window limited my influence in your world, so... all I could manage to do was snag your soul. I was going to put you in one of the Cake twins but... I missed. Obviously.”

I just stare at him, my mind racing. I was dead? That was... I c-can’t...

Floyd? Are you OK? Floyd? Floyd!

The world starts to spin and the sensation of falling takes over. After a soft thud, I lay there, hearing the muffled shouting of the girls as I stare up at the ceiling. The world fades out, giving into the darkness...

“Floyd!” Pinkie’s voice shouts, as someone shakes me rather vigorously. I groan as I open my eyes, seeing a relieved looking Pinkie looking down at me through tear-stained eyes.

“What?” I ask with a groan, sitting up. I run a hand over my– wait, hand? I look down, relief filling me as I see that I’m me again, wearing the exact clothes I wore before... I take a look around, noting that we’re on my last theater set. The catwalk is hanging from the ceiling, some of its supports broken.

“Floyd, you’re awake!” Pinkie shouts happily, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug.

“Pinkie? So... I guess... I guess I really am dead...” I whimper, hugging her tightly. “W-what am I gonna do, Pinkie?” I feel tears sliding down my face as I hug her tighter. “When Discord told me he couldn’t send me back it hurt but... why does it hurt more knowing it’s because I’m dead?”

“Just let it all out,” Pinkie coos softly, stroking my head as I cry into her mane. We sit there crying for who knows how long before another voice cuts in.

“Greetings Pinkie Pie and Floyd,” Princess Luna’s voice calls as she trots over to us, her hooves loudly clomping across the stage. I ignore her, choosing instead to hug Pinkie even closer to me.

“Hello Luna,” Pinkie says, still stroking my head, “I don’t think Floyd can talk right now, he’s really sad.”

“I can see that,” Luna replies, sighing a little. “I am sorry this happened to you, Floyd, and I promise we will do everything we can for you.”

“What am I going to do?” I snap, turning to glare at her, “My life is gone. I’ll never have a career, I’ll never patch things up with my folks and worst of all, I’m stealing Pinkie’s life.”

“You’re not stealing my life,” Pinkie tries to soothe, though I know she’s just trying to make me feel better.

“Yes I am Pinkie, you’ve become just an observer to your own life now because I took the steering wheel from you,” I argue. She opens her mouth to counter before Luna speaks up.

“You should not burden yourself with something you cannot control, Floyd,” the princess says, trotting over to us. “Even now my sister and young Twilight are working to give you your own body. It will be pony in nature, of course,” she looks me over with a sad look, “as we have no idea how to make a human body.”

“So that’s it? I’m just supposed to be a pony and be happy?” I snark, looking away from her. Figures, I’m screwed no matter what. Fuck my life.

“No Floyd, you are to keep being yourself. Which is why I am here,” Luna starts, looking between us, “The longer the two of you share a body the more your minds will merge until there is nothing left of your individual personalities. You may have noticed changes already, but it is still not too late.”

“How are you going to keep that from happening Princess Moonbutt?” I ask, cuddling Pinkie close to me. God she’s like a big teddy bear... it’s rather comforting, I gotta admit.

“A simple spell that will keep your memories and thoughts separate from one another,” Luna says, charging up her horn. She cast the spell a moment later, making me shudder a bit at the feeling. Damn does magic feel weird as hell. I wonder what it feels like to cast spells? “There,” Luna says with a smile, “Your minds should be sufficiently protected from each other now.”

“Wait,” I speak up, looking at the two, “If you're here Luna that means... I’m dreaming.” I look up at her with a glare. “I. Do not. Dream.”

“I had to force your mind into a dreaming state,” Luna says with a sheepish smile, “I apologize for the intrusion but the spell would not have worked in the waking world.” Great, just great. I have the horse version of Freddy Krueger forcing me to have dreams. At least she’s not homicidal. Yet.

“Just stay out from now on, I like my sleep dreamless thank you very much,” I retort, crossing my arms. Stupid dream horse, needs to stop sticking her nose into my head.

Pinkie pokes me in the chest. “Pony.”

“Gah! Stop reading my thoughts she-demon!” I hiss, glaring at her while she just smirks at me.

“I am afraid I cannot do that. I must monitor the spell to make sure it stays up. Besides, you two are my subjects and it is my duty to make sure your dreams are pleasant.”

“I’m not your subject,” I point out, giving her a flat stare.

“Not yet you're not Floyd,” Luna said with a smirk, “My sister is already working on making you an official citizen of Equestria.”

“God you people work fast.” I just stare at her for a few seconds. “Why aren’t you guys ever this effective when shit goes down and things like Tirek happen?”

Luna snorts, not exactly happy at me pointing out the obvious. “We cannot always be ready for everything.” She looks like she’s going to say more but the world is starting to turn white. “Hmm... it looks like our time is up. Farewell Pinkie Pie, Floyd, until next time.”

Ugh my head, it feels like I got hit with a brick. Dreaming sucks, never wanna do it again.

“Hey, Floyd’s wakin’ up,” Applejack’s voice calls out, followed by the sounds of her moving closer. “Just you take it slow sugarcube, ya had quite the shock.”

“I’m fine,” I tell her. I sit up, causing the damp rag they had placed on my forehead to fall into my lap.

You’re not fine and you know it

Ugh, I thought you had your thoughts separated from mine.

“Just lay back now,” Applejack insists, gently pushing me back down. She replaces the rag, and I will admit, the rag feels kinda good.

We are still kinda sharing a brain here, if you hadn’t noticed

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

“Floyd, somepony has something to say to you,” Fluttershy says, trotting over. Discord floats up next to her, clearing his throat.

“I’m sorry for not telling you you were dead before this... along with trying to put you in one of the Cake twins... I mean really, do I have to apologize for that last bit?” he asks the girls with a pout.

“You tried to overwrite one of the Cake twins with his soul!” Twilight snaps at him, to which he rolls his eyes.

“Oh please, they’re too young to even have their own personalities yet,” he counters.

“Actually Discord... they kinda do,” Dash speaks up, “I’ve foalsat a few times when Pinkie couldn’t, those two definitely have their own personalities already.” I can’t argue with her, those two were their own ponies even as far back as the first episode they showed up in.

“Well... what else was I supposed to do with him?!” Discord asks, throwing his arms out, “Souls can only survive for so long outside of a body before they start to fade.” Well shit, I’m kinda glad I got put in here then.

I’m glad to help you out, Floyd. You’re one of the most interesting friends I have!

Aw, thanks Pinkie.

“I think we should let Floyd rest, everypony,” Rarity pipes up, much to my relief, “She’s been through a lot and we can work it all out when she’s had time to process it all herself.” Leave it to Rarity to have the most common sense... which is ironic considering how easily she overreacts to everything.

I thank them all, watching as they file out of the room. I close my eyes, letting out a long sigh and taking in the silence of the room. This is my life now, for better or worse.

You’ll always have me Floyd, no matter what okay? We’re like twins now!

Heh, I dunno about that. I smile just a tiny bit, letting sleep take me once more.