Floyd In: Griffons Like Shiny Things
“Floyd, you’re going to wear a hole in the floor.” Maud watches from the bed as I walk around the room for what had to be the dozenth time. “You should sit down and relax. Getting your cutie mark is a good thing.”
I pause in mid stride, giving her a pointed look. “It’d be even better if it was tattooed on my ass, not Pinkie’s.” I resume my pacing, eyes locked on the floor. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic. I found my cutie mark, what I'm supposed to do with my life. All that happiness gets tossed out when I remember – this isn't my body.
Every little bit of customization that I perform on this body means I'm becoming more and more comfortable in it, which is not something I really want happening. I've already had Blue send Celestia a letter about this, along with my suggestion of my new body being that of a strix.
“I still can't believe they’re called cutie marks,” Jason comments from his bed. Whatever he and Maud did during my date last night with Blue, it sure helped. Currently, he's in the form of a neon green unicorn colt sporting a Decepticon purple mane. “I mean, really?”
“We can't all be edge-lords like you, Mr. Norseman,” I shoot back, finally deciding I had done enough pacing for the day. Sitting on my haunches, I let out a long sigh. “I’m just so done with all of this. It’s just one thing after another. I’d be stoked for this, if I wasn’t still body jacking Pinkie Pie!”
As if to mock me more, my saddlebags start to vibrate. My eye twitches as I walk over and lift out Pinkie’s cutie mark. It shudders, sending out a pulse that rattles the jar. Yup, another episode. You know, you’re right universe, I just had to meet Gilda, you’re so right, this is
a good idea.
Stepping out of the room in silence, I barge into the ‘boys’ room, feeling my mane start to deflate. “Blue, take a letter,” I all but order, locking my eyes on him. “Ask Celestia to tell Twilight to tell Dash that we’ll meet her at Griffonstone.”
“Griffonstone!?” Blue shouts, bolting to his feet. “Why in Celestia’s good name would we be going there? What possible reason would there be to set hoof in that Faust-forsaken dump?”
“Because harmony or whatever is calling,” I grunt back, holding up the spasming cutie mark. “Please, just help me out with this okay? Also, you should probably get packing, we’ll probably resume our trip from Griffonstone so... yeah...” Turning on my heel, I trot back to the ‘girls’ room.
Taking a breath, I let it out slowly. I need to stay calm, I can’t be that kinda person anymore. Just take it as it comes and keep on keeping on. My mane poofs back up, and I shake my head. “Alright, Maud, Jason. We’re going to Griffonstone.”
“To where now?” Jason asks, giving me a funny look. “Your weird balloon cutout starts going nuts and we have to just up and leave now? We only got here yesterday!” I snicker a little at his pout, wondering if his new age is coloring his behavior.
“Okay, again, this is Pinkie’s cutie mark, and secondly, the cutie map is calling her, which means I have to go because Pinkie can’t without me,” I explain, noting his cringe at the term ‘cutie map’. Not that I can blame him. It is kinda a dumb name. I’ll have to talk to Twilight about giving it something better, like harmony map. Or whatever. Shut up, I’m not good with names.
“Floyd!” Pinkie phases through the door, her mane disheveled and her chest heaving. “I got a cutie map summons!!!” After a moment, she notices the jar in my hoof. “Oh, you already know, silly me.” Uh, Pinks? What’s with the mane...? “Well see, me and Cheese were, uh...”
I don’t even need to look at Maud to know her ‘big sister’ mode is kicking in. I push my hoof through Pinkie’s head and shake mine. Pinkie, I don’t want to know what you were doing, and I really, really, really don’t want to know how. I’d suggest dropping it before Maud drops Cheese through a table. Or the floor. Something suitably hardcore.
Pinkie nods sheepishly, giving Maud a weak smile. “So um... is this one of the episodes you know about, or...?”
“Yeah, it is.” I lower my hoof and replace the jarred mark. “The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone. We have to go meet up with Dash at the griffon city of Griffonstone.” I can already tell I’m gonna have a lot of fun with Gilda. I’m an asshole, Jay’s and asshole and she’s an asshole. Just the perfect storm of terrible personality traits, yeah?
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun, Floyd!” Pinkie assures, bouncing around me. “And we get to see Dashie again! Don’t you know, it’s been almost a month since we saw any of the girls! What if they forgot us!?”
I roll my eyes, trying not to laugh. “No way, Pinkie, I doubt they could forget either of us. And it hasn’t been that long, we saw them at the gala, remember?” Remind me to ask Rarity about getting some more clothes. I can’t keep jacking Moxxi’s look, plus, it doesn’t leave the same impression on ponies.
“Okie dokie loki!” Pinkie responds, giving me her biggest smile. “Anyway, come on guys! We need to pack!! We can’t keep Dashie waiting!” Rolling my eyes, I can’t help but smile back. Aye, aye, Pinks. I mock salute her and slid my saddle bag on.
“You heard her, Jay.” I poke at Jason’s side, getting him to his hooves. “Time is wasting and the sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can go back to our murder hoboing.”
Jay gives me a flat look. “We aren’t a D&D party, Floyd.” You may think that, Jay, but we so totally are. Oblivious to my response, Jason slips on the saddle bags Blue was kind enough to pick up for him. Note to self, see about Blue mentoring Jay about magic. Actually, we can probably do that on the train...
Maud doesn’t need my encouragement to get packed, already stuffing her saddlebags with a smile on her face.
“What’s got you so happy, Maud?” I ask, trotting over to the bed. “Excited over meeting griffons?” It’s still a little bizarre, being able to perceive Maud’s emotions like this, when Jay and Blue always just see her blank look all the time. “I know I saw a few yesterday, but I didn’t actually get to meet them.”
Pausing in her packing, Maud glances over at me. “I get to take soil samples from outside Equestria,” she explains, gesturing to her bags. “And I’ve been wanting to meet a certain griffon Pinkie wrote to me about.”
Oh. That’s a possibility I had not anticipated; Big Sister Maud holds grudges. “Well, you know, uh, don’t hurt her too much, yeah? We need her to fix the friendship problem or whatever.” I give Maud a smile, chuckling weakly.
She regards me silently for a moment before nodding her head. “If you say so, Floyd.” I’m legit not sure if that’s just supposed to pacify me or what. It’s so damn hard to tell with Maud. Leaving her to her packing, I go to make sure the boys are getting ready.
It’s so odd saying it like that, like I’m not one of them anymore. I mean, I guess I’m not, when even my inner representation is that of a female. How come I’m not bothered by that, but the whole Shale thing led me to almost getting turned into a blood sucking vampony? Sighing at my own insane thoughts, I knock on their door.
A few beats later, I’m greeted by the sight of an unamused Blueblood, covered in confetti. “Party cannon?” I ask, wincing at the sight. His well groomed mane was plastered off to the side, with strands of it going every which way.
“Yes, Mr. Cheese was packing his saddlebags when the blasted thing went off and caught me in the face.” Glaring back at Cheese, Blue floated a comb and some hair gel over. “Now I have to fix my mane.” Seeing the look of mirth growing across my face, he boops my nose. “Just because I take pride in my appearance, does not make me prissy, so get that thought out of your head, Lady Floyd.” Sticking his nose up, he fixed his tie. “We can’t all have your natural looks, now can we?”
I snicker, feeling my face heat up. “Well, to be fair it’s Pinkie’s looks.” Deciding not to rag on Blue too much, I clear my throat. “Anyway, try not to take too long to pack up, yeah? I don’t want to make Rainbow Dash to wait long, and I really want to just get this whole thing over with.”
Blue nods, giving me a warm smile. “I’ll do my best, Lady Floyd.” Taking my hoof, he places a kiss on top of it. “You can count on me.” Winking, he releases my hoof and trots back into the room.
As the doors close, I give out a content sigh. I never realised how nice it was to have someone like that. Are relationships always like this, or is being a mare affecting me more than I thought? Either way, it doesn’t matter; I’m happy for once and that’s all that really matters. Turning on my hooves, I hum a song, moving back to the ‘girls’ room. We still had packing to do, after all.
“How in the hay did you get to the station before me?” Dash asked, pacing between our little welcoming party. We had arrived at the station the day before and bunked in the rinky dink operation they call a hotel. I’d rather spend another night in Hollow Shades over that place. Freaking death trap is what it is.
“Manehattan just happened to be closer than Ponyville,” I respond with a shrug. “Anyway, we should probably start heading up to Griffonstone. It’s almost noon and none of us brought any camping gear.”
“If griffons didn’t charge a horn and a wing, I’d suggest picking some up in Griffonstone.” Blue glances up the mountain wearing a frown. “The sad part is, they make wonderful food and drink and refuse to haggle the price.
“Yeah...” Dash agrees weakly, taking to the sky. “But uh, Floyd is right. We should zip up there before we lose our light.”
“What? Not gonna zip up there lickity split?” I question, watching as she lowers herself to her hooves next to me. I snicker as her eyes lock onto my flank.
“I mean, I totally could but,” she throws her arm around my neck and gives me a noogie, “I want to catch up with my only human friend, who just got their very own cutie mark!” A smirk grows on her face and she pokes my barrel. “Twilight told me you took on a vampony coven! That’s like super awesome, you gotta tell me about both of em!”
Aw, my first adoring fan. Take note, Pinkie, this is how you start a fanbase. “You’re so silly, Floyd! We already have a fan base; one patient enough to wait through our long dry spells!” Rolling my eyes at her fourth wall nonsense, I begin the trot up the path, regaling Dash with the tale of how we defeated the evil vamponies and their eldritch lord. Of course the others pipe up with their own commentary, but I’m the one with the storytelling cutie mark, so I tell it best.
By the time we reach Griffonstone, the sun is high in the sky. Jay is riding on my back, having tired of walking about halfway up. Maud is nonplussed, Cheese is Cheese, and Blue is far less haggard than I thought he’d be. Sure he’s panting and his coat’s a little matted but, nothing I can poke fun at him for. You win this round, Blueblood.
“Should I start keeping score?” Pinkie asked, wearing a bright smile. “You two lovebirds could turn it into a competition! Like that Beyond Thunderdome joke those youtubers did before!” Maybe, we’ve only been dating for a few days, chill Pinks.
“This whole thing is just surreal,” Jason comments, sliding off my back. “My formerly asexual cousin is dating, and with a guy no less.” Stretching his legs out, cracked his joints with a satisfying pop. “If I wasn’t a little bug girl, I’d think the world was ending.”
“Nah man, that only happens on premiers or finales,” I correct, ruffling his mane. I can tell I’m going to relish being the older cousin. “Right!” I point forward, past the city gates... which were hanging off their hinges. “To the Griffons!”
Jason, and by extension everyone really, is less than impressed with our surroundings. “This is a city?” Jason questions, watching a griffon wriggle out from under a collapsed roof and walk down the street like it was business as usual. “This place is a shithole.”
Maud shoots a stern look at him, one powerful enough that anypony could recognize it, making him shrink back a bit. “Watch your language.”
“Right.” I nod, glancing around at all the griffons as they went about their day. “So, to get you all caught up, Griffonstone has no king and is basically just full of miserly anarchists.”
“Look at that, the idiots finally got something right,” a gruff female voice responds, with more than a bit of venom to it. We turn to see Gilda padding over. Huh, you know I always thought those purple marks on her face were makeup, but no, those things are natural. Unless she dyes her feathers, but I doubt that.
Dash puffs her chest out, her wings fluffing up. “Hello, Gilda.”
Gilda narrows her eyes, doing nearly the same thing, though her talons dig into the ground. “Dash/”
A long sigh escapes my lips and I move between them. “Alright, both of you, put it back in your pants. We have a problem to solve, not listen to you two try to out angst the other. And before you try to insult Pinkie’s intelligence, I am Floyd. It’s a very long story, that isn’t very relevant right now. We also have Jason, my cousin, Maud, my big sister, Cheese Sandwich, and Prince Blueblood.”
Gilda arches her eyebrow, glancing between us. “What, this some kinda dork road trip? You and Dash get tired of stinking up Ponyville and decided to –” She lets out a squawk as Maud suddenly appears in her face, grabbing the griffon by her chest floof.
Maud leans in close, a look of barely controlled rage on her face. “I told Floyd I wouldn’t hurt you for what you said to Pinkie before, but I didn’t say anything about what you say now. Insult my sisters again, and I’ll feed you your beak. Are we clear?”
“Crystal!” Gilda squeaks, nodding her head vigorously. A grunt escapes her beak as Maud drops her on her ass.
“Good.” Maud walks by, stopping to give me a hug. “I’ll be taking some soil samples. The Maud sense will let me know if there's any trouble.” She shoots the newly terrified Gilda a look before trotting off.
Dash whistles, watching after Maud. “Wow, Floyd, I knew Maud was protective, but I had no idea she could get like that!”
“You shoulda seen what happened in Dodge Junction,” I reply, rubbing at my chest. “She went all out on those bandits.” Moving over to Gilda, I snap her out of her terror-funk with a poke to the cheek. “Okay, look. We’re here to solve a friendship problem and you’ve just been deputized.”
“Depu-what?” Gilda asks, getting to her feet. “Why should I help you dw-er ponies?”
“I dunno, Gilda, do you want to continue to live in a helhole like this?” I ask, motioning to the ruin and squalor around us. “So, unless you want to spend the rest of your days in this cesspool, you’ll help us.”
“Ugh, I can’t believe we have to work with Gilda.” Dash makes a face and pouts like a petulant child.
“You’re an adult, suck it up,” Jason admonishes with a flat look. “Okay, Floyd said there’s no king here so, uh, what about that idol thing? That still around?”
Gilda bursts into laughter, falling onto her back. “You actually believe in that thing?” Her laughter attracts a few looks, but I assume the lack of profit discourages anyone from investigating. Geez, these guys are like a walking meme, I tell you.
“You’d better believe it!” an old griffon peeks out of a window, looking very much like a vulture. Not sure if he always looked like that or if it’s some kind of griffon pattern baldness or whatever. The floor gives out from under him and he falls out of view. A moment later, he steps out the door to his home, hacking up a lung. “It was the best thing to ever happen to us griffons!”
Groaning in frustration, Gilda facepalms. “Oh, great. Now you got Grandpa Gruff started!”
“And now, I’m going to stop him.” I give Gruff a hard look and shoo him off. “We’re not paying you any bits, I already know the story of the idol. Now, go on, go play bridge or something, or whatever the elderly do in Griffonstone.”
Gilda bristles and jabs me in the barrel. “Hey, don’t talk to my grandpa like that, only I can!”
“Ladies please.” Blueblood lights his horn, pushing us a few feet apart with his magic. “As Floyd said, Mr. Gruff, we’re not interested in your services. Good day, sir.”
Gruff clicks his beak before turning tail and moving back into his house. He slams the door, only to bring most of the house down. I wince, but sigh in relief when I see him crawl out of the rubble like it was nothing.
“Will someone just tell the dang story already!?” Dash shouts, throwing her hooves up in exasperation. “I don’t care who, just tell the stupid thing already.”
Clearing my throat, I acquiesce to her request. “So, King Grover untied the griffons with the idol and made all the griffons clean up their act. The idol was passed down from king to king, until Guto’s reign. Then, some weird cyclops goat burst into the griffon palace and stole the damn thing. After that, griffon society kinda just collapsed in on itself.”
“Yeah, and that’s how we like it!” Gilda proclaimed, like it was some point of pride. “We griffons do what we want and don’t care about anything! Not like we need to anyway, we wouldn’t steal all your lame pony concepts.”
“Yeah, because you totally wanna live in this place,” I respond with an eye roll. “So, this is how we’re gonna do this: Maud’s gonna do her own thing, Blue, RD and Jay are gonna go look for the idol, and Gilda, Pinkie, Cheese and I are gonna go make some scones.”
“Sounds good to me!” Dash grabs Jay and zips off, the disoriented changelings shouts echoing through the area.
“Scones?” Blue asks, giving me a strange look. “I realize I’m probably asking a stupid question, but why scones?”
“Because that’s just how things go,” I reply, giving him a quick hug. “On the plus side, it’ll give me a chance to learn how to cook!” Leaning in closer, I whisper. “And it lets me keep an eye on the crazy squad.” I push him away, gesturing after Dash. Now you go help Jay keep Dash from doing anything dumb, got it?”
A hesitant look flashes across Blue’s face, quickly replaced with a smile. “Alright, Floyd. You seem to have all this figured out. You just be safe okay?” Planting a kiss on my cheek, he trots off to his new job.
“You’re dating that nerd?” Gilda asks, a snerk escaping her beak. “I bet he’ll lose it once someone gets dirt in his precious coat.”
“It’s like looking in a mirror,” I mutter, walking up to Gilda. “Alright, Turkey, take us to your cart so we can get to baking.” I ignore Gilda’s reply, merely pointing with my hoof. “We can stand here all day trading snarky insults at each other, but that’s not going to make us leave any sooner.”
Leaning in close, Gilda snaps her beak in front of my face. “Fine, follow me.” Turning around, she whacks me in the face with her tail. “Just try not to get lost, will ya?”
Following Gilda’s lead, the trip through Griffonstone isn’t a long one. We do get to see just how bad the city is. Griffons just going about their day, wallowing in the abject poverty of their city. It’s a sort of self-inflicted poverty. They’re all too miserly to part with their bits, which means there's barely any circulation of wealth. As we step into what I assume was once the marketplace, at least a dozen arguments over price reach my ears.
“Wow.” Pinkie looks around uncertainly. “It’s like when Fluttershy turned into Meanieshy. Everyone’s just yelling at each other!” Giving me her full attention, she gestures towards some random buildings. “Shouldn’t we be looking for the library? Dash said that Twilight said that we should start there.”
Waving her off, I follow Gilda to what looked like a mobile oven/food stall. “Look, Pinkie, I got this, okay? Everything is going to be fine.”
“Who are you talking to?” Gilda asked, giving me an odd look. “I thought you were crazy before, I had no idea you talked to people who aren’t even there.”
“Hahaha, funny.” Stepping up to the stall, I inspect the thing. It’s not bad, in much better condition than the rest of the place. “I told you, I’m Floyd. The jist is; I’m in Pinkie’s body and she’s sorta like a ghost. Most people need a special necklace to see her. Then you got ponies like Cheese, who can just see her.”
“It’s like Pinkie became twins!” Cheese proclaims, pulling his head out of Gilda’s oven. “Well, it looks like you got a really good oven here. Maybe what you need is a spatula! I know a great place to buy them.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t see her,” Gilda points out, busying herself with setting up her cart. I feel my face frown rather deeply as she sets a tray of scones on the cart. I bake pretty badly, as Pinkie and the CMC will attest, but you know what? I don’t make baked goods with sticks and stones. “So, whatever.”
“Wow, I bet someone would break their teeth if they took a bite out of one of those,” Pinkie states, examining one of the scones. “I had no idea griffons can eat stones and twigs!”
“That’s probably because they can’t,” I reply, lifting one up. “I can only imagine you don’t make a lot of money selling these.”
Puffing her chest out, Gilda swipes the scone from my hoof. “Don’t knock my Grampa’s recipe, and stop talking to people I can’t see!”
“Yeah.” I nod looking at Pinkie. “We really should've grabbed one of the guys’s necklaces while we were together.” Something stirs in my mane, that something watching me in the face a moment later. “Sonofabitch!” I hiss, shaking my head. I blink in realization, seeing Q hanging out of my mane, holding one of the necklaces in his paws.
“You sneaky little cat snake,” I praise, taking the necklace from him. “You swiped this from Blue when we hugged, didn’t you?” Giving him some head rubs, I nuzzle my nose to his. “That’s a good boy, Q! Good boy~” Dooking at me happily, Q retreats back into my mane. “Here, put this on and you can see Pinkie.”
“Right,” Gilda says hesitantly, taking the necklace and slipping it around her neck. “Okay, that's weird. I didn’t need two of you in my life.”
“No one does,” I agree, pouring a few ferret treats into my hoof. “Which is why you should be glad I’m not Pinkie.” Reaching my goodie covered hoof into my mane, I pull it back out empty. “If I had to take a guess, Gilda, you used whatever was laying around to fill in the recipe. You either don’t have, or want to spend the bits for proper ingredients, or the guy selling them is overpricing the stuff.”
“So what?” Gilda crosses her arms, trying to act all tough. She can’t keep that small strain out of her voice though. “I don’t need your pity.”
“Who says I was giving it?” Peering back at the scones, I gesture at the oven. “Look, Gilda, I ain’t gonna tell ya you need friendship, or songs, or parties, or anything Pinkie would pester you with-”
“Hey!”
“But, do you actually want to live like this?” I ask, looking back at her face. “Do you really want to be a friendless miser your whole life?” Grabbing the tray, I dump the scones on the ground. “Look, either way, we got baking to do so, let’s focus on that huh?”
“Baking is super fun!” Pinkie bounces up and down, joining Cheese at the oven. “Come on, Gilda! We’ll make your Grampa’s recipe the best in all of Griffonstone!”
Giving us a long, hard look, Gilda sighs. “Fine, either way, if you can make the scones better the sooner I can get out of this dump.” Tapping the tray, she gestures to it. “So, where do we start?”
“I assume we need baking powder.” Getting an eager nod from Pinkie, I reach into my mane. “Just give me a second... Aha!” I sit back, brandishing the newly summoned can of baking powder. “My mane reaching skills are improving!”
The next two hours are spent with Gilda and I getting a proper cooking lesson. It’s not too bad, and I can see why Pinkie likes doing it so much. I just don’t think I could do it full time. I manage to keep Calamity Jane and Banana Man from making Gilda OD on crazy. She’s actually not that bad, honestly.
“And now we wait!” I set the time on the oven and dust my hooves off. “Soon, you’ll have to enforce strict lines for your masses of customers.” Socking Gilda on the arm, I smirk. “Gotta say, I’m jealous of the talons, I’d kill for fingers again.”
Scoffing, Gilda grabs me in a headlock. “Keep that up and I’ll cut down your weasels nest.” I audibly gulp as she holds a talon to one of my curls. “Nah!” With a rough shove, she pushes me away. “You’re not that bad.”
“Hey look!” Cheese pops up between us, wrapping his arms around our necks. “We caught our first griffon!” Pointing dramatically, a bright smile spreads across his muzzle. “See! Hook line and sinker!”
“What are you talking about- Greta!” Gilda tears herself out of Cheese’s grasp just as another griffon falls out of the sky. This one appears to be another female, with green head feathers. She actually has a nice color scheme going on, I like it. Gilda helps Greta to her feet-er paws, only to be slapped away by an indignant Greta.
Trotting over to a crestfallen Gilda, I place a hoof on her shoulder. “You really don’t deserve to live like this. You can deny it all you want Gilda, Dash gave you your first taste of friendship and now you can’t shake off the cravings.”
“Yeah well, she ain’t my friend anymore.” Gilda grunted, running a hand through her crest. “If I can’t keep a friend like Dash, how am I supposed to make other friends?”
“Gilda, you lost Dash because you acted like an obnoxious bitch,” I inform, ignoring Pinkie’s frantic head shaking. “If you’re actually sorry about it, and apologize to her, maybe apologize to the rest of her friends, you can fix things.”
“It can’t be that easy,” Gilda replies, eyeing me up and down. “Shouldn’t I do it like a pony, sing a song, do a dance? All that mushy crap?”
“Friendship’s important but doing that stuff isn’t you.” I poke her chest, marveling in the floof for a moment. “Don’t do friendship like a pony, do it like a griffon. If you make a sincere apology and she rejects it because you didn’t do it the ‘right way’, then Dash isn’t worth getting back.”
Gilda nods slowly, perking up a little. “Yeah, okay.” Puffing her chest out, she puts on a cocky smirk. “I’ll show Dash just how awesome griffons are at being friends. I’ll be so amazing, all her loose feathers will just fly off!”
Grinning at my successful pep talk, I give her a fist (hoof?) pump. “Hell yeah you will!” When as the words leave my lips, a strange foreboding settles over me. A sudden realization comes over me; the knowledge that somewhere nearby, rising conflict is happening. “Hey, Gilda, which way to the Abyss?”
Interrupted before she could speak, Gila closes her beak. A beat passes before she speaks again. “The Abyss, yeah I know where that is, why do you...? Oh! Right Dash and those guys went to go find the idol.”
“Yeah they did, and they’re in trouble. Pinkie! Cheese!” I stomp a hoof, cutting into their conversation. Something about twinkie sandwiches. It doesn’t matter. “We got ponies in trouble, come on.” I give Gilda a light nudge, nodding my head. “Lead the way, G.”
With a roll of her eyes and a brushing of her crest, Gilda takes the lead. As it turns out, my intrinsic hutch was right. We run into Blueblood about halfway to the gorge. Dash’s rope snapped and their guide scrammed when they ran out of bits.
Peering over the side, I spot Dash laying on an outcropping. “Hey, Dash! We’ve come to rescue you!”
“Floyd! Oh thank Faust!” The look of relief on Dash’s face is palpable. “My rope snapped and I sprained my hoof! Wind’s making it too hard to fly out!”
“I could have told you that, dweeb!” Gilda pops her head into view. “Just hang tight, we’ll get you out of there before the other griffons see how uncool you are!”
“I’m afraid you’ll have too much on your hooves to help poor Rainbow Dash.”
No way. There’s no way the universe would be that cruel. Moving my eyes upward, Starlight Glimmer enters my vision. Wearing a manic grin and hovering in a light blue aura is the cause of one of my greatest hang ups.
“After weeks and weeks of travel, I finally have the perfect opportunity to be rid of you!” she boasts, the glow of her horn brightening.
“You’ve been stalking me!?” I accuse, rising to my hooves. I knew I wasn’t seeing things way back when. I should have realized she was a stalker much sooner. “Let it go, Wandass. Your cult wasn’t that great to begin with!”
“Shut up!” Starlight snaps, her face controtting in rage. “Just shut your mouth you cretin!” Glancing down at Rainbow Dash, a smug look etches itself on her muzzle. “You want that idol so bad? Then you can have it – if you can get past its current owner.” Pointing her horn down, she fires a beam of magic into the gorge.
“Who the heck is that?” Gilda demands, taking a few steps back.
“It’s a long story, Gilda,” I respond, reaching into my mane. “Come on, give me something I can use!”
Starlight finally cuts the beam, her face still wearing that smirk. “I’ll leave you to the negotiations; I’d hate to get in the way.” Without another word, she hovers off, quickly vanishing from sight.
“Bitch!” I hiss, throwing a cinder block after her. Unfortunately for me, it misses her by a good mile. “Fuck you!!!” I shout, ragging rather impotently at the edge of the ravine. When I get my hooves on her...
“Look, it’s a spooky scary skeleton!” Cheese proclaims at my side. He’s leaning down over the edge, hoof against his forehead. “Wow, that’s a big one too! He must have really been drinking his milk!”
“What the hell are you... talking about...?” Peering down into the pit myself, I can feel my pupils contract. The cyclops goat, or at least his skeleton, was moving. Giving off a pale blue glow, the beast put itself back together. Grabbing its head, it placed it back on its shoulders, eye socket occupied by a baleful purple eye. “That is not good!”
The skeleton rattles as it roars, leaping from a ledge up to the lip. The impact of it hitting the cliff knocks several large rocks loose, including the section I was on. Let me tell you, freefall sucks, that pit in your stomach, the idea of splattering on the ground. I don’t recommend it. A shriek erupts from my mouth and I flail my limbs in a vain attempt to not fall. As ‘luck would have it’, I manage to grab the damn thing’s leg.
“Floyd!” Jay shouts, buzzing his wings frantically.
“I’m not dead!” I call, hanging on for dear life as Goat-Man flails his leg around. “I’m not letting go, asshole!” I growl, though my bravado doesn’t last long when it slams its leg into the cliff face. “Ow...” I moan out, my grip loosening for a moment.
“Hey, leave my cousin alone!” A flash of red fills my reeling vision and soon, I spot another horned monster peeking over the edge. “...Did Jay turn into the Balrog?” I don’t get a chance to question it as Balrog-Jay grabs Goat-Man by the horns and hauls him out of the gorge. “Shit!” I hiss as I lose my grip and fall.
Thankfully, my fall is short and I land, rather painfully I might add, on an outcropping. Pain surges through my back and side, but I don’t think anything is broken. “As if I didn’t hate Starlight Glimmer enough as it was. She’s suddenly a goddamn necromancer...”
“Floyd!” Pinkie glomps me, apparently having poofed down here with me. “I was so worried! When I saw Starlight, I thought she was gonna steal your cutie mark!” Looking down at me, she sniffles a bit. “You are okay, right?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. Nothing's broken at least.” I sit up, phasing through her as I do. “Just a little banged up. Nothing too bad or anything like that.” Gathering my bearings, I get to my hooves. “We better get up there before the thing hurts Jay.”
“We can’t leave without this!” Pinkie waves her hoof frantically to get my attention. Resting at the back of the outcropping is a golden idol.
Reaching out, I lift it up. It’s old, worn and could really use a good cleaning. But, somewhere in the back of my mind, I know this is the idol of Boreas; the magic macguffin that should fix all of Griffonstone’s problems. A gust of wind blasts into me and I have to turn my head to the side.
“Floyd! Gilda!” Dash shouts, making me look up. Dash’s outcropping is breaking apart, most likely from the big guys fighting above us. “Somepony help!” The outcropping finally gives and Dash starts to fall into the abyss. Ditching the idol, I bolt forward, biting down on her tail just as she dives past.
“Dm! Yr hvy!” I grunt around a mouthful of tail, digging my hooves in so she doesn’t pull me down with her. The sounds of cracking rock make my heart sink. I can’t die here, not until Pinkie gets her body back. I refuse to die until we’re separated. I-Oh shit! My outcropping crumbles, dropping Dash and I.
We don’t fall for more than a second before something hooks into my tail. I grunt as my momentum jars to a halt, nearly losing my grip on Dash’s tail.
“I got ya dweebs.” I’ve never been more relieved to be insulted in my life, let me tell you. Hey, Pinks, tell G thanks will ya? I got my mouth full here. And before anyone asks, no, Dash’s rainbow does not taste like Skittles.
“Floyd says thanks, Gilda!” Pinkie calls from another outcropping, watching as we’re hauled up and past her. “I knew you’d come through in the end!”
“Wait, you doubted me?” Gilda asks, sound more than a little indignant. Pinkie! Stop
antagonizing the person holding your sister and friend over a death pit!
“Right, sorry.” Pinkie reappears on a higher outcropping, rubbing her neck. “It’s not that I doubted you, Gilda, it’s more like you reached the standard of you I had in my head!”
“Ahm sowwy, she rambls awot,” I mutter to Gilda, praying that if she decides to drop us her talons will be too tangled in my tail to actually let go. There are a few close calls as we’re pulled back onto solid ground, and more than once we slam against the cliff face.
As we’re back over the edge, I spit Dash’s tail out. Spotting Blueblood holding the rope in his magic, I bound over and pull him into a bear hug. “Oh god, Blue, I thought I was going to die again!” Grabbing his head, I plant a deep kiss on his lips. “Okay.” I release him and sit back on my haunches. “I feel better.”
“R-right...” Blue fixes his tie and shakes the daze from his eyes. “That’s all well and good Floyd, but we still have a monster on our hooves.” Following his outstretched hoof, I see Balrog-Jay in a throwdown with Goat-Man. I’d be worried about collateral damage and all but, uh, y’know, Griffonstone.
“How the hell isn’t Maud here yet?” I ask, looking to and fro in an effort to find her.
“I already am.”
“Gah!” I nearly jump out of my skin, whirling around to see Maud passively blinking behind me. “Maud, seriously!? Don’t seek up on people like that!” I take a few moments to catch my breath, watching the fight drag on. “Okay!” Clapping my hooves, I put as much authority into my voice. “I think I have a plan! Everyone, form up!”
Maud merely blinks at me as Blue, Gilda, Pinkie and Cheese all gather around. I pull them all into a huddle, giving out instructions and roles. Gilda is a little skeptical, but I know this will work, it just needs some timing.
“Let’s do it!” Pinkie cheers when we break, wearing a cheerleader uniform and waving around pom-poms. “We’re gonna show that meanie goat who’s boss~”
“That’s right, Pinkie, we’re gonna send him right back to the grave,” I respond, helping Cheese haul one of his bigger party cannons out of wherever the hell we keep things. I grin at my reflection in the shiny metal. “He’s gonna go out with a boom!”
“I think you mean bang,” Maud corrected, easing herself down the barrel. Pinkie got her to put on that German army helmet again. I think it rocks, fits her perfectly, but I don’t think she’s much of a hat person.
“Alright! We’re set up over here!” I shout, looking towards the roof Dash and Gilda were perched on. “Operation: Annoyed into Submission is a go!”
Sharing a look, the pair take to the sky and zip toward Goat-Man. At this point, he’s got Jay on the ropes, drawing its fist back to clock him in the face. Thankfully, our two fliers get his attention before he can punch out my cousin. Letting out a chilly ‘Baaa’, Goat-Man swipes at them, missing by miles every time.
“Okay, Cheese.” I gesture to the cannon then to the beast. “We only got the one chance at this, you can’t miss!”
“Of course I won’t miss!” Cheese lights the fuse, adjusting the cannon’s aim. “Who do I look like, Mark Gormley?”
I stare at him quietly for a moment, the only sound being the burning fuse. “Okay, I’m just going to assume you got that from Pinkie.” Pushing that nonsense from my head, I focus fully on Goat-Man. I’m going to break Starlight’s horn when I see her. Stalk me will she? That crazy bitch just opened a can of whoop as- A scream tears out of my throat as the cannon goes off, having forgotten my proximity during my rumations.
Maud goes sailing through the air, catching Goat-Man off guard. Twisting her body in mid-air, Maud brought one of her back legs to the fore, kicking him in the chest. Her leg breaks through his ribcage like a wrecking ball, taking out part of his spine. The beast baas again before collapsing into a heap.
“Yes!” I shout, fistpumping. “Go Maud! You showed Skeletor who’s... boss...” My cheer dies in my throat as the bones rise back up, reforming into Goat-Man. “I am so feeding that bitch her own horn.”
With a roar like baa, it charges at me, shaking the ground with every hooffall. Shouting at Cheese to move, I bolt down the street, eyes wide and heart pounding. Shit! That plan was perfect. What the hell are we gonna do now? We don’t have an angry alicorn or some eldritch artifact to seal it away.
“Maybe we just have to keep breaking it?” Pinkie asks, appearing at my side. “It can’t hit us if it’s all broken.” You know, Pinkie, that’s not a bad idea. Maud can just keep hitting i- “Floyd look out! Dive to the left!”
Without hesitation I do so, hearing something heavy slam into where I just left. Sneaking a glance back, I see the broken remains of a cart. “Jesus, what did Starlight do? Tell him I bad mouthed his mom?” Scrambling to my hooves, I take off again, barely avoiding being stomped on.
“Floyd!” Gilda swoops down, flying next to me. “You’re running towards a dead end, dweeb!” With a beat of her wings, she moves over me, grabbing me around the waist. “Hang on! We’re going for a ride.”
“Trust me, Gilda, I ain’t going anywhereeee!” The ground falls away as Gilda beats her wings, taking us into the air. For a moment, I just take in the excitement. I’m flying! Hoisted up by a griffon, but fuck yeah I’m flying! Another enraged baa catches my ear, reminding me we had bigger concerns. “I take it we don’t have enough bits to get help, do we?”
“You’d have to spend all the bits in Equestria, plus all the gold that hasn’t been minted into bits, and sell Canterlot to get these featherheads to fight for ya,” Gilda confirmed, zigzagging to avoid Goat-Man’s grab attempts. “So, if we’re gonna kick his ass, we gotta do it ourselves.”
“We have to keep smashing him until there’s nothing left,” I explain, reaching into my mane. I doubt this thing is going to give me C4 or any fictional weapon that will make this easy. I’d give a hell of a lot for Mjolnir right now. On that note, I manage to pull a sledgehammer out of my hair. “Take me up and drop me.”’
“I take it back,” Gilda begins as she rises higher into the sky. “You aren’t ‘Pinkie’ like Pinkie, you’re your own level of nuts.” She levels off when I’m a good distance above Goat-Man. “Don’t die, alright? I don’t want to be beaten into paste by your sister.” Gilda lets go before I can respond, sending me into free fall.
Steeling my will, I raise the hammer high above my head. Maybe if I smash his skull, he’ll stay down? Doing my damnedest to stay falling towards Goat-Man’s skull, I unleash the best warcry I can, given Pinkie’s voice. Goat-Man looks up, reaching up to grab me. Luckily for me, only having one eye gives you lousy depth perception. Gritting my teeth, I growl as I fall just short of his head. Instead; I bring my hammer down on his shoulder.
“Fuck you, Goat-Man!” I roar, both seeing and hearing his shoulder give way under my fury. I cackle like a mad man as his right arm joins me on my journey to the ground. A tingle spreads across my body, and I feel myself slow down. A quick glance tells me I’m in Blue’s magical grasp. Turning myself so my legs are pointing down, my hooves reconnect with sweet, sweet earth.
I grunt as Blueblood nearly glomps me, wrapping his hooves around me. “Do you have any idea how insane that was? It could have squished you, or you could have splattered against the ground!”
“Yeah, I know that, Blue,” I respond, returning his hug. “But I figured It was worth the risk to get rid of John T. Bone over there.” Wriggling away, I groan in exasperation as the severed arm floats up and hovers back to its former home. “I really hate magic now.”
“How in the hay are we supposed to beat that thing?” Dash asks, zipping over to us. “We freaking shot Maud at the thing!” She flings her arms in Maud’s direction, who had inexplicably appeared next to Blue.
“Dash’s right.” Gilda landed not too far off, watching Jason sock Goat-Man in the face. “That guy takes less of a hint than Pinkie Pie!”
“Hey, I got better!” Pinkie protests, sitting next to me. “I learned my lesson after I nearly ruined my friendship with Cranky.”
I stand up, eyes looked on the two fighting humungonauts. Grabbing my discarded hammer, I toss it to Dash. “Dash, I don’t care if you got a sprained hoof. You’re going to sonic rainboom that fucker into bone dust!” Whirling around to Blue, I gesture with my head. “I’m going to be bait to get him away from Jay. Blue, you’re going to grab his leg into your magic and keep him in place, capisce?”
“I er, okay?” Blue stutters, apparently put off by my intent to put myself in more danger.
“Right then, Dash, get started! Maud, Pinkie, love you guys.” Taking a deep breath, I rear up and whinny, galloping down the street. I dodge past debris and angry griffons, because a reanimated Goat-Man isn’t enough to deter them from their utter and complete lack of fucks given. Stopping at the end of the block, I stare down my target. “Hey Goat-man! I heard your dad had a sheep fetish! No wonder you only have one eye, you mutant freak!”
Goat-Man baas in fury, though whether it recognized the insults or just because it’s me yelling at it, I have no idea. Ignoring Jason, it charges at me, snorting a puff of blue smoke. Come on, Blue, don’t fail me now!
“Get over here!”
Goat-Man’s charge peters out, the beast reaching up to its neck. I grin, realizing that Jason had caught it with his whip. It baas furiously, futility grasping at the thread. Jay’s getting extra love for all of this nonsense, kid deserves it. A glow appears on the goat’s legs, holding them in place.
“Doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” Blueblood trots to my side, his face screwed up in concentration. “I do hope Rainbow Dash hurries up, I’m not sure I can do this for very long.” He smiles a little as I lean against him.
We stand there in silence, watching Goat-Man struggle to get free. Rainbow streaks into few, careening toward the behemoth. I can’t make out if she’s using the hammer or not, but damn if she didn’t time it right. Slamming into what’s left of Goat-Man’s chest, her rainboom goes off, the force of the blast flattening the block. Blue and I hold onto each other, barely managing not to go tumbling around.
Pulling away from him, I toss my arms into the air. “Ha! Screw you Goat-Man! You can’t handle the genius that is Pink Floyd!” My eye twitches as the skull stirs and interrupts my bragging. My mood improves when Jason’s foot smashes the damn thing into a million pieces.
Jay walks over to me, reverting to his default form when he’s in front of me. “You okay?” he asks, wobbling on his hooves. I nod my head and the look of relief on his face is palpable. “Good...” he falls forward, right into my arms.
“You just rest up okay?” I ask, petting his mane. He took quite a beating, his chitin cracked in places. “Take as much love as you need, cuz.” I shudder as I feel the draining effect of his feeding, but don’t complain.The feeling tapers off as a snore reaches my ear. Lifting him up, I gently ease him onto my back.
“Looks like he’ll be asleep for a while.” Blue nuzzles my neck, looking more than a little tired himself. “Come on, we should find the others... before any angry griffons come to kill us.”
Our little group meets up again at Gilda’s food cart, where we enjoy some semi-overcooked scones. Not bad, honestly. Dash got out okay, though she complained that her hoof hurt worse, the baby. I have no idea what Cheese was doing during that whole mess, probably off memeing up the place.
“You know, I’m glad we’re talking again, G, but it blows we didn’t get the idol.” Dash pops another scone into her mouth, her injured arm in a sling. “We could have really fixed up Griffonstone.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say we lost it.” I hold my hoof up, smirking. A beat passes and I clear my throat. “Alright, Q, I know you have it, cough it up.” My mane shakes and Q pops his head out. “You heard me, cat snake, give it.” He indignantly dooks at me before darting back in and coming out with the idol in his little paws.
“Bwah?!” Dash gasps, staring at the idol in awe.
“Ferrets are notorious thieves,” I explain, taking the idol from him. “I figured he grabbed it when I dropped it. Thought I felt him doing a war dance in there.” I pull Q out of my mane, rubbing his belly. He dooks happily, nipping at my hoof. “Anyway, here Gilda.” I toss the idol to her.
“You’re giving this to me?” Gilda asked, holding the thing like it was a baby. “But, I don’t know the first thing about being a king!”
“Queen,” I corrected, putting a hoof on her chest. Q protests the sudden stoppage of belly rubs and crawls back into my mane. “I wouldn’t give it to anyone else here. But...” I look into her eyes. “Without some major changes, once this is gone again, Griffonstone will just collapse again. You need to rebuild the place with this and something else.” I gesture to the oven. “They say the best way to someone's heart is through their stomach.”
“Yeah...” Gilda nods, staring at her cart. “That makes sense. Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll be Gilda the 1st, the friendliest griffon queen! I’ll show these dweebs how griffons should treat each other!”
“That’s the ticket.” I smile proudly, patting her head. Pinkie’s gasp and squee tells me that our friendship mission was a success. I push it out of my mind, deciding to just enjoy the moment and eat some scones. Political ramifications can wait; I’m feeling good and I want this to last as long as it can.
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This was another great chapter, I was starting to miss this story.
this was unexpectedly epic
Great work and now starlight can bring back dead people she great with magic
Gilda: "Wait, what? Again?"
8859896
you and me both! necromancy is the worst of crimes and at the least she should have a shattered goddamn horn
8859896
no not dead she needs to be tortured how about a one way trip to silent hill/ponyville make her suffer make her wish she were dead then reform the broken mare make her know true fear
Hmmm, Starlight is a bit more active in this AU then.
Solving friendship problems Floyd style!
Keep coming! ;)
No prob Pinkie!
I can be patient when I want to! Besides, I've waited much longer on other stories.
About time we get a Canon chapter.
This chapter could branch of into a series of its own.
8862385
Think so?
Am I the only one not getting this? Internet says he's a comedy musician who had his 15 minutes of youtube fame some years back, but I can't find anything about him relating to a cannon, or missing, or aiming.
8867066
I don't think anyone got this. Years back, on the G4 show Attack of the Show, there was a bit where Weird Al impersonated Mark Gromley. That was a reference to that
Maybe i remember another story, but I hope this was not a hint at Maud rushing a relastionship or her giving him love, something weird like that.
I just don't like to see Maud like that, it annoyes me mores if I believe someone tries to show a cliche like Das does this and that just bescause she likes to party and stuff like that.
I mean I think I either had seen that somewhere else or this was sugessted in the last chapter.
ah yes not a fan of the cutiemap, they should go if they want to....well it was more that I was annoyed because Twilight always stayed away when she wanted to go.
I still don't like the clone shipping, but I think I reached the point where I don't care about that anymore or that Cheese did it with a ghost?
“Yeah, it is.” I lower my hoof and replace the jarred mark. “The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone. We have to go meet up with Dash at the griffon city of Griffonstone.” he should stop to have the shows knowledge
I would like to see this being a thing, I mean that Floyd is really in love with him at that point and insecure about him/herself. I mean when he get's the new Mares body, that he/shes hides from Blueblood or something and thinks he would not like his new look as much as Pinkies look.
I mean not sure how much is still going to happen to him (at somes point nothing to tragic anymore I hope).
asexual meant no sex at all and demisexual, that they like to get to know each other before anything happens I believe right?
Forerly has to mean that Floyd is slowly changing correct? I need no scene or something like that, but often enough even if I accept it, I couldn't image him being asexual, mostly because I probably thought about Blueblood not being asexual.
I read the rest tomorrow.
what does that means? I have a word in german in my head, but i didn't got a correct translation for that.
8907822
Dook is just an onomatopoeia of the sound happy ferrets make
That was a much better ending.
I see you with that Mortal Kombat reference...
More pleasant surprises, Floyd goes and talks to Gilda in a way she understands and doesn't sugar coat it. Though please don't have her just go crawling back ti RD and apologize saying she was wrong, RD needs to apologize too, as well as Pinkie Pie. If the two ponies weren't in the wrong, that would mean it would be okay for btmoth of them to do whatever they want ro Gilda and she can't stick up fir herself.
10141652
The best outcome will be if they just... peter out, like, silently agree for bygones to be bygones
8859896
Nah that would be too good for somepony like her to die, it would basically be giving her the easy way out. Lock her up in Tartarus forever!!!
This story is stalled very badly.
I think if there's going to be continuation, the protaganist should switch to jay.
Floyd already come to term with everything and her position in equestria has been secured. Her own abilities and allies' make her pretty much instant-win mary sue at this point.
11381652
I'm still working on the next chapter. Floyd's still the mc :)