6001249 Done!

I am not into clop normally.
But this is soooo hilarious written. I love it.

Have my like and my fav.

And this handy moustache for Porn Portal , Dildo Dimension and Horny Hoard

Fluttershy you clever pony

“You have to place all the appropriate spells and countermeasures to ensure that you are the only two around, and then an intense interview follows to determine proper identities.”

So, mind control/hypnosis magic huh?

Fluttershy quickly checked over her shoulder to see that Applejack was far enough away before softly talking to the beavers. “Okay, good work guys. I’m going to see if we can get some help with this tree and we will discuss the plan for next week later.”

What are you up to Shy?

“They don’t want your help,” Fluttershy said quickly. “They want Big Mac to help instead…”

...Is this going where I think it's going?

“Any mare would be lucky to have you,” Fluttershy said eyeing his flank while biting her lip. Fluttershy then trotted up beside Big Mac and whispered in his ear: “Did you miss me?”

Eeyup, it's going where I thought it was.

Seemed like it could use a few more line breaks in a couple of places to help it be easier to read but aside from that subjective bit I didn't see anything grammatically bad.

The beginning of a distraction from the original "plot" is something I'm not quite sure whether I like or not. Maybe once the distraction is in full swing I'll be able to tell for sure.

It's been a while since I read the previous part and since I need to get to bed I don't have time to reread it to remember if it's the same but at least this chapter was a bit more humorous than titillating.

Oh, Fluttershy. Mares have been using their beavers to snare a hunky stallion since the dawn of time, but YOU have to come up with a new twist.

Ha-HA! Fluttershy, you're so sly.

Fluttershy as painfully shy schemer. I like it.

From this day forth, all porn stashes will be known as Horny Hoards.

And Fluttershy, you little deviant you.

I was kind of expecting Rainbow Dash to keep trying different and increasingly strange things on the Porn Portal/Dildo Dimension/Horny Hoard. If it can interpret 'no, the other one' it can probably keep up with other pretty vague descriptions.

Also: poor oblivious Applejack. Ponies fuckin' all around and she has no idea.

I really like how this story has started, it's porn with plot(kinda), it's cute, it's hilarious and it's heartwarming. But I simply must comment on this latest chapter, specifically the scene change/cliffhanger.

I have three different problems with it:

First, changing the scene to something completely different in a clop is a horrible, horrible idea. Imagine watching a porn movie, the couple is just getting into it, when suddenly.. Scene Change! Now you are watching people waiting in a checkout line in a grocery store. I'm pretty sure you agree that this would kill the mood completely. Doing the same in fiction doesn't make it any better.

Second. Pointless cliffhanger. This is a pet peeve of mine. I'm strongly of the opinion that it would be better if cliffhangers would be completely banned, as so few use them properly. The only good reason to use cliffhangers is if the objective is to leave the reader/watcher wondering about what will happen next, and something will actually change after the cliffhanger. Not just instant return to the status quo. In this case, completely disregarding the clop aspect, the scene was cute and hilarious and I was really wanting to see how Twilight would react, when.. Scene Change! I was not left wondering how much Twilight would be embarrassed or panic, nor was I left excited to see what happens next, as there is simply not enough stuff to theorize or worry about. I was only left annoyed at having run into this stupid, cheap, looking-down-on-readers trick.

Sorry! As I said, that's a pet peeve of mine.

Third. As this story seems to have some plot, not just clop, and it's marked as romance, I must say that I have always been disappointed when authors have been trying to run more than one romance in a romance story. Usually it seems that the flow of the story is just broken, you get invested into the pairing when suddenly.. Scene Change! And now you are supposed to instantly change gears and start getting invested into another pairing. There are also other things, like not liking one of the pairings, story getting fragmented, author getting invested more into one than the other and so on. Now granted, you just introduced it, so it's way too early to tell, it's just that I have read too many other fics where the thing completely disintegrates when the author starts to introduce other pairings. I personally prefer having two or more separate but parallel stories. It also allows the author to show the same events from different perspectives , which I generally find enjoyable, without playing with cumbersome time shifts.

Now, don't get too discouraged, generally I only criticize stories I really like/see potential in, and this is one of the better stories I have read in a while and one I do want to see continuation of.

6019751 Glad you liked it!

6019794 You gotta watch out for the quiet ones...

6019872 All those other mares aren't as skilled with their beavers

6019999 Quite devious indeed

6020127 But is the real scheme that she really isn't shy!?

6020202 Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for "Horny Hoards" as my roommate was the one who gave it to me. The shame! The other two were mine though...

6020435 Originally I wanted Rainbow to call out for a bunch of different objects before she gets stopped by Twilight. I did it this way instead though because I felt that people would think quicker if they were just calling for the same thing repetitively and thus more dildos would fly out before it was stopped. I know if I had to list 20 sex toys it would certainly take me a minute or two to think... At least I hope so. Also, I had intended for the portal to have a sort of "magical AI" of some type that would understand syntax and be able to appropriately respond with the best option available. I had not included an explanation in the story (along with a bunch of other stuff I had planned) because it didn't really come up naturally in the story and it didn't really flow well with the conversation. I really didn't want to have to shoehorn in any more than necessary. Lastly, I wanted to illustrate the depth of Twilight's collection. If she had a couple things here and there that could be called out then that's one thing, but no she had a pile of dildos alone before it was stopped. Makes you wonder just how much stuff she has in there...

6019797 You gotta watch out for mind control/hypnosis/changelings or anything! You have to take every precaution to make sure your secret codes are kept safe! Also, I feel as though people are getting thrown off by the scene change at the end. A lot of people seem to like the scene but I was wondering if you think putting at the beginning would make it easier to swallow?

6020625 You sir are the reason in which I write. Well, I write for fun but receiving honest critiques is the only way authors can improve and I genuinely thank you for it. For your first point of the scene change... I completely understand where you are coming from. I wanted to continue the plot line from the previous chapter which had Fluttershy and Applejack discussing her beaver problem but I did not have a way that would more fluidly continue without an entire shift away from the main duo. I like the idea of writing a parallel story in which I could separate the two while having both plot lines thoroughly covered. I think I still want to have the scene in this chapter for now anyway as it might be a decent transition into the other story but I agree that it is still very jarring to the reader. Do you think it might be better to have the short scene at the beginning of the story so the reader is not really thrown off after the clop section? Or should it really just be thrown out of this chapter entirely?
As for your second point about cliff hangers: I hadn't really intended the TwiDash story's end for this chapter to be a cliffhanger really. I just thought it was a decent place to stop with their scene. I could have stopped right when fun times ended but I always feel jilted when stories end just there. At least in my case, I like to see the characters for at least a short period after for the cool down/cuddling. Also, I didn't want to end it in the same way that I had in the first story (which did just end with cuddling) so I chose that when Rainbow's leaving the room would mark the story's end. I wanted the scene to end with a laugh and that time seemed the most appropriate. It wasn't intended to be something that would cause the readers to wonder as to what happens next, but instead as something humorous because the reader knows how the characters would react. I apologize that you saw it as me looking down on the reader as that is something I would never do. The readers are the only reason to write in the first place and I don't want to make you feel cheated in any way. Do you feel that their interaction could have ended at a different point that would have made it more palatable to readers? I'm happy to hear any input you have.

6020919

It could have been worse. Applejack's dog could have gotten one, then we've have had Winona's big brown beaver.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYDfwUJzYQg

6020919 As I said before I'm not yet certain what I think about the "distraction" however I don't believe changing it's location within the chapter would make much if any difference.

6020919
Well, I'm not exactly sure where that scene would be best placed. The main problem for me is really how.. jarring the whole transition is. I mean how total the change is; mood, feel, action to non-action.. there are probably some technical terms for describing what I mean, but I think you get the idea? I would put it somewhere where there is a natural interruption, like Twi and Dash taking a nap, them eating or such. You know, places in the narrative where they have stopped doing something and aren't starting to do something else right away. The problem is, this chapter doesn't really have any such moments. It could be put in the beginning of the chapter, and I think that would be an improvement, I'm just not sure it's a big improvement without some modifications on how this chapter starts. Or make a complete chapter that is just about Fluttershy, AJ and Big Mac. But if you do that, you could as well do a whole spin-off story.

About the cliffhanger thing, I realized that the main reason it feels like a cliffhanger is that there is a scene change after it. If this was a book, I wouldn't even really raise an eyebrow(much) at ending the chapter there if the next chapter would be straight continuation. If the cliffhanger is a cliffhanger only for the time it takes you to turn a page, it loses almost all of it's negative effects. Now, in case of fanfiction, where there is usually a lot of time between chapter releases, it's more annoying, but the scene change after that really exaggerated the effect. Like, I started wondering if the next chapter would have any TwiDash, or would it be about Fluttershy and Big Mac.

Also, I think it wouldn't feel so cliffhangerish if Dash wouldn't be doing something right at the time when you end it. I totally get wanting it to end on a humorous note, and what you have there is humorous, but it's also indicating that the action is going to continue straight away. I feel it would be better to end it in a lull, not in the middle of action, if you want to avoid it feeling like a cliffhanger. Like, for example, having Dash verbally tease Twi about something, but not actually doing something that indicates that she is going to be screwing Twi silly in a couple of minutes.

*reading*

“Twi, are you ready?”

"ooh, this'll be good!"

*WALL OF TEXT!!!*

"Gah!! My eyes!"

6021017 I could have gone my whole life and not seen that...

6021368 Yeah, I get what you're talking about. I'm gonna try to come up with some way to get this to work and flow appropriately. Thank you so much for your input!

6023432 I apologize for any damages that I may have caused and I will pay for any medical expenses from resulting injuries I have fixed the issue and thanks for the input!

Wow, this is really good. I can't wait for the next!

6023690
No problems, just pointing out a format issue. Thanks for responding so quick!

6023999 Glad you liked it!

This is funny but hot at the same time.

6035663 Thanks! That's what I was going for!

While I liked this chapter, that last little bit that deviated away from Twilight and Rainbow was rather jarring. The majority of the story thus far has focused on Twilight and Rainbow, so to suddenly get that little bit at the very end feels like it you are trying to fit in another line of romance. In my opinion, you've missed the chance to start a new line, but who knows, maybe you can pull it off.

But here's the thing: you drew people in by giving them TwiDash for the first and most of the second chapter. If I am correct, and please correct me if I'm wrong, it looks like you are also trying to make this story not just TwiDash, but also FlutterMac. Now if I am still correct, you're taking a chance here, and a risky one at that. In going down that path, you could possibly drive readers away just from the sole fact that they don't like FlutterMac or because you aren't focusing solely on the TwiDash. Writing a story with such a specific niche might not result in the sort of, well, results you want.

Anyways, on to the good. I like the witty chapter titles, especially since they have more than one meaning. More so than that, I especially liked the idea of the "Horny Hoard". That's like something that I would think of, and I'm silently cursing myself for not thinking of something like that. On top of that, the scene with Spike interrupting was pretty funny, although I think you could have written a bit more detail into Spike's side of things. I also kinda wanted him to find all the dildos under Twilight's bed. :P

Also, It's always the quiet ones...

6040799 Thank you for the feedback! I wasn't too sure how people were going to react when I wrote the scene change in there originally and it seems that it has been causing some problems with the readers. For now, at least, I think I'm going to keep it in there though because there appear to be others that like it as well. As of right now my plan is to possibly right a parallel side story that would explore the other characters plots (heh heh) while keeping this story to be mainly about TwiDash.
Thank you for the compliment on the titles as well! You're the first to remark on their multiple meanings and they took some time to think up so I'm glad someone noticed. Also, were you commenting that you liked the name "Horny Hoard" or the concept of trans-dimensional sex toys? If it's the name, I cannot take credit for it as my roommate came up with it but I will gladly take credit for the other thing! Lastly, you seem to think that Spike didn't notice the dildos but all I remember writing was hearing his footsteps... We don't necessarily know what he saw...

6042659

For now, at least, I think I'm going to keep it in there though because there appear to be others that like it as well. As of right now my plan is to possibly right a parallel side story that would explore the other characters plots (heh heh) while keeping this story to be mainly about TwiDash.

Well, if you are planning a side story to this one, I would simply cut out the extra addition at the ending of this chapter then. Keep this story TwiDash, and then simply write the side story for whoever you want to ship in this story's universe. That way you won't have to worry about mixing things up. On top of that, doing what I suggested would show your readers that you are able to expand your boundaries, and on top of that, you would be able to reach out to a new audience, possibly gaining you new followers and more readers for this story. Although, I have seen sequels/side stories not do as well as the main ones, but don't let that bring you down. If you wanted to maximize results, I would suggest that you keep the two stories separate.

Soooooooo yeah. I would not suggest that you write a TwiDash romance clopfic while balancing it with FlutterMac, or any other ship for that matter. Let's say that you write the next chapter with nothing but FlutterMac. Most (if not all) of us came for the TwiDash, so what do you think will happen? You could possibly get a lot of people saying that they would have rather gotten more TwiDash instead. Receiving such comments can be very disheartening, and can throw a good story off its tracks before it can really get rolling. I do not wish to see that happen here. However, I do understand that this is your story, and you can do what you wish with it, but I have seen many a story go down in flames because of bad decision making.

For example, my biggest story would not have gotten as big a following if I had not listened to those commenting. After posting the second or third chapter, loads of people said that what I wrote wasn't that good. The grammar and all that was fine, but what I had written to push the story along was bad. They let me know, and after a little while of thinking, I deleted that 3k word or so chapter. Now, I absolutely hate deleting work, especially when it gets up to the 1k range, but I had to do it if I wanted the story to keep growing.

Thank you for the compliment on the titles as well! You're the first to remark on their multiple meanings and they took some time to think up so I'm glad someone noticed.

Keep it up.

Also, were you commenting that you liked the name "Horny Hoard" or the concept of trans-dimensional sex toys? If it's the name, I cannot take credit for it as my roommate came up with it but I will gladly take credit for the other thing!

Sorry for not being more specific. I liked the concept, although the name is still rather funny.

Lastly, you seem to think that Spike didn't notice the dildos but all I remember writing was hearing his footsteps... We don't necessarily know what he saw...

Heh, true.

First part of the 2nd chap was kinda repetitive and tbh I was kinda ready to throw the towel but omg after that it becomes aswesome and funny, I had a huge laugh at the 'porn portal' also the fact Twilight has Spike brainwashed and RD totally didnt get it.

Would totally read about Fluttershy and Mac.....

6065970 I'm glad you liked it! It did start a little slower but thank you for sticking with it till the end. I'm gonna try to write a parallel story with FlutterMac but I'm going to be very busy soon so it's probably going to take some time.

Oh my god... this is like... sublime... This shit... is dope.

6136315 That was one of the best compliments I have received in the fewest words. Your efficiency is impressive and thank you very much!

6187611 I'm glad you like it! Also, I don't know if you find it weird that you like it because of the genre in general or because the genre tends to attract worse quality works. If the former, I am glad that my writing was palatable to people who don't necessarily like clopfics. If the latter, then I'm happy that I was able to stand out against the crowd as being something that has at least a little quality to it.

This is so bucking wrong! It's twisted and perverse! I LOVE IT!
I cannot beleive I love a Clopfic

I need a nightstand like this!!

But not (only) for Porn Portal / Dildo Dimension / Horny Hoard, it would really help me to tidy up the mess in my room.
If you (or somebody/somepony else) invent something like that, please give me a call.

6196607 One more convert to the dark side. You are welcome here and I am most grateful for the compliment!

6197080 One nightstand coming up!

6199277

Thank You ! I really need you to write more! My newly twisted mind needs to be fed!!

6200966 I will try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible! That said, it's still a ways away sadly. Real life is getting in the way with making me move a thousand miles away (almost exactly). Even so, I will not quit and I will get you your fix eventually!

6210856

I never expected Clop writers to be so friendly !
Thanks, I will be checking for more

6277375 Fixed it! Thanks for pointing it out!

“It sounded like something came through the Porn Portal earlier while Spike was talking but he didn’t say anything that should have caused something to appear.”

Twilight pulled back and spoke sternly, “First, it’s not called a ‘Porn Portal.’ Secondly forget it; I’m sure it was nothing.

I just got done playing Portal 2. Thanks for those images.

“Fine, Dildo Dimension,”

"Horney Hoard it is!"

These are funny as well. Have a like, fav, and tracking. I'd like to see what cums next. Nudge nudge. Well, unless it's Fluttershy and Big Mac. I prefer reading about Twilight and Rainbow. Aaaaaanyways, I'm going to go check out some of your other stories and see if you're worth following. Also, this was the first Fanfic I ever read, well technically I listened to a reading of it.

6327004 Now you're thinking with portals!

6364437 heh heh. I don't get it.

Hey clippity, these guys are doing a reading of your wonderful work. They already did one for chapter 1, this is chapter 2. Anyway, great work man.

6327004 Glad you liked it!
6367722 Yay! They did chapter 2!

6451260 Thanks! Sadly, the next chapter is going to have to be on hiatus for a bit. Several rewrites and real life have caused production time to slow done drastically. I do plan on releasing the next chapter eventually, but it's gonna be a while!

i came for the maid costume, stayed for the magical dildo-spewing nightstand

Well, Dash sure got her payback for Twi's earlier stunt ; altho it seems lik she's not quite done yet either . Heh, poor Egghead, u reap what u sow