• Member Since 14th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 27th, 2016


Comments ( 131 )

Short description: "where" should be "wear".

This is really, really good. Realistic thoughts of 'Is she flirting? Did she notice? etc.', buildup at just the right pace, great description, overall great work. Two thumbs way up :pinkiehappy:

Also, intense beaver conversations. Come on :rainbowlaugh:

5792849 Thanks for the heads up!:twilightsmile:

And then when Twilight goes to mark off her "Punish Rainbow Dash List", she sees a couple boxes she didn't remember adding: "erase memories of and burn 'Seduce Rainbow Dash List' before morning" (already checked off) and "get laid".

So... Twilight should be able to either get Rainbow to stop crashing into the tree for sexy loving times, or Rainbow Dash will start crashing into the library on a daily basis. Either or.

5792857 Thanks for the great compliment!:twilightsheepish: Also, two girls aren't allowed to have an intense personal discussion about beavers? What is the world coming to?

5793332 Rainbow Dash needs to learn how to do a booty call more subtly...

Yes, yes, yes.

All my yes.

All of it.

Keep it up, it was great!

5795575 :twilightsmile: Glad you liked it!

You know, this wasn't bad at all. I think the word choice could have been better, but the story and smut was definitely entertaining. Glad I read it :pinkiehappy:

5796104 :rainbowderp: Thanks! I really enjoyed Faithful Student as well! Any tips you could give me to better my word choice?

5796156 Tbh im surprised anyone likes faithful student atm, chapter 1 is all flowery set up, it confuses me :trixieshiftright:

(jumble of thoughts incoming)
but on word choice, its a mixed matter of having a palette from reading a lot of smut and going for a emotion at any given time using metaphor and indirect statements. It's also often about tone, and finding ways to say the same thing in a more entertaining/indirect way where its important.

saying "Twilight was shocked" is good and fine if its not critical/the focus of the scene at the moment, or doesn't help set up into the emotions that are important. But if this is some big revelation that will shift the story, its okay to be a little flowery and do something more along the lines of "Fine china shattered against the floor, the hand previously holding it dumbfounded into laxness." Its way more of a mouth full, but it helps get the point across that her being shocked is important.

there's also the factor of contrast, say, if you have been rather wordy your whole story, something will stick out and be more pronounced if you change that for a line or two. Going from "The velvet flower gently faltered from the breeze, one of many that dotted the lush garden expanse of Fluttershy's cottage." to "The bear took a dump on it." can be great for timing/extra punch/highlighting and vice versa.

But like I said before, tone is important, snark/serious/comedy/general all have their own voices, and you have your own way that will inflect on those voices.

I don't think the way you wrote the smut in this was bad at all, it fit with the theme and flowed nice enough in my opinion. The only few things that irked me where a few repetitive lines or sayings in the middle and near end of the story. Another general tip is that if you can say it with fewer words, do so for the sake of making it easier for the reader, and giving more impact to the words this is something where a editor really helps with as a 2nd reader is always more prone to see this more than you.

but even that can be subject to tone, as for example, my overly flowery 'Faithful Student'

that and the formatting (such as having thought dialog in the middle of paragraphs instead of spacing them like dialog), but that's really just a matter of taste.

But before I you take anything I say to heart and potentially ruin a good thing, remember that whats important is the story and how fun it is to read. This was a fun little smut story, and the clop was well done. That's all you really need to do, word choice is just a extra spice that i obsess over, and honestly still need a lot of work on myself.

5796227 :twilightsmile: I really liked Faithful Student because it was flowery set up. It was paced very well to keep my interest and give away just enough to leave me wanting more. Too many stories tend to try to pander to the reader and give them everything that they are wanting as quick as possible. That is all well and good but the real payoff is earned instead of given. That being said, I feel Faithful Student is great in the respect that it dangles the reward just out of the readers grasp. It leaves the reader wanting more and willing to put forth the time to achieve the reward.
That said, thank you so much for the advice! :heart: I'm sure you know the value of an outside perspective and I truly do appreciate it!

At the end when you put in; 'Both ponies wrapped their hooves around the other and Twilight affectionately nuzzled Rainbow.' it really should have been; 'Both mares wrapped their hooves around the other and Twilight affectionately nuzzled Rainbow.' due to the fact that we kinda don't use species when we say that, we use genders. :twilightsmile: anyhooves this was quite amazing! I can't wait for more.

5796325 Just trying not to be a idiot and work for the respect you've given me. There are a lot of good writers on this site with their own interesting inputs and valid advice on many different topics.

don't take my word as gospel and ask around, and don't be hard on yourself at all, your doing great :raritywink:

“I do other things than just buck apples.”

wtf is wrong with you, applejack. I think I'm gonna throw up:pinkiesick:

It's always fun to read about sex ninja's, even if they were pretty sloppy (no pun intended).
You'd be surprised how often this sort of thing happens but no one notices.

5796335 :twilightblush: Thanks for pointing that out, I never would have noticed!

5797129 :ajbemused: She also has to sell apples and bake apples into things... and there also was that one weird time she worked with cherries instead...

5797420 :rainbowhuh: Now I'm trying to think which I would prefer: sex ninjas or sexy ninjas

5797778 but she BUCKS apples. and buck = fuck in this fandom

Your welcome! I'm glad to be helpful :pinkiehappy:

...if your trying to be funny your horrible at it. If your just saying that due to the whole apple families thing then your sick yourself :ajbemused:

5797852 but it also means an equine kicking at something using their hind legs. Also 'bucking' in fact means 'fucking' in real life when we talk about Equines having sex... -_-' or when we ride them and they don't like it; and I mean the no sex version of riding.

D'aww, that's the most adowable title pic i've ever seen!

Believeable, something I don't see from clopfics that generally try stuff like this.
I loved it, please more!!!

Also, edit.
Rainbow sat there staring at the underwear for a moment before myriad of thoughts barraged her.
before a myriad

5799027 :twilightsmile: I like it too! Please support the artist Alasou!

5799160 :heart: Thanks! Being told this story is believable is an awesome compliment! Also thanks for pointing out the edit as well :twilightblush: Eventually I will fix everything from comments alone! :rainbowlaugh:

Great job; however there was one thin in several occaisions that bugged me to the point of a painful facehoof. Rainbow Dash's huge ego would NEVER allow her to, per say, Cower. One of the few instances I can think of was her almost being engulfed in flame by a dragon hundreds of times her size.

Why choose? Wouldn't a ninja that's sexy be a sex ninja by default?

5800038 :rainbowlaugh: I would certainly hope so

I was going to favorite and thumbs up till about half way through this story. Honestly, I didnt know one could make such an afront to literature. Twilight and Applejack are having a conversation about beavers while Twilight gets Rainbow Dash off?! And you dont freaking tell us about the beavers!!!!!! How could you? (/sarcasm)

Cute story I look forward to the next chapter, for the plot of of course, and maybe there will even be beavers.

I've always enjoyed the more subtle applications of magic. Not to say that bolts of lightning and magic lasers don't have their uses. However, theres just something about using a gentle tweak here and there with perhaps a little misdirection or slight of hand mixed in that makes the end result that much more satisfying. :twilightsmile:

5801628 When I first started reading your comment, I was like :twilightoops: "Oh no, I offended someone!" Thanks for the compliment though! Don't worry about the beavers though, they will come up later. I purposefully put several things into the story that are kinda glanced over so that they may be revisited more organically later. :scootangel:

5801819 :twilightsmile: I know! I feel like magic can have so many applications that is completely over-looked normally.

Y'know what has me curious? How Fluttershy knows how to be subtle about publicly getting your vag magically worked over without anyone noticing. It's always the quiet ones...My Little Exhibitionists!

Either Applejack is completely and utterly oblivious, or she was trying to be nice... I vote oblivious!

That was a fun read to be sure, and I like how you used magic. :heart:

Before I read it and potentially scar myself, does this have rape in it?

5803723 Fluttershy knows how to keep off the radar in every situation :yay:

5803828 Let's hope she was oblivious... Having somepony who is known for honesty, know your secrets can get problematic :applejackconfused:

5804108 No rape! :heart:

5804224 Thank god! I don't mind rape on anyone but dash!

Normally, stories like this aren't exactly my thing, but I REALLY like how you did this one.:twilightsmile:
Have a :moustache:.

Great story so far, I look forward to reading the rest :raritywink:

I rate :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:/10 so far.

Please can you space your words? Jesus my eyes are burning from that wall of text. Great story though, you have my attention for the next chapter.


I do, not used to seeing this format in fimfiction though. Virtual is different from reality you know?..

5799400 During the best young fliers comp she wasn't cowering to anypony she was having an anxiety or panic (if you will) attack for fear of embarrassing herself. She did not cower to any one pony. She was afraid of ruining her reputation.

5804667 :twilightsmile: Glad you liked it!

5805935 I will attempt to get that to 10/10! :moustache:

5806557 :twilightblush: Sorry! I'll try to format it better next time!

5807611 I agree, you are absolutely correct. I do, however, feel that same fear/anxiety would translate to here as well. I believe this due to where I believe the fear/anxiety originates for Rainbow Dash. She is a very daring pony; she is constantly doing stunts/picking fights in a way that illustrates a lack of fear for injury or her own well-being. This seemingly careless, brashness is what she is known for.
Throughout the series, however, she is shown to be a pony who wishes to be idolized. Somepony that everypony looks up to and aspires to be like. For this reason, I agree with you when you say that "She was afraid of ruining her reputation." Why I characterize her this way is that I am looking to the origination of this fear/anxiety instead of the fear itself. I believe that Rainbow Dash behaves the way she does because her fear/anxiety comes from disappointment. The fear/anxiety caused by disappointment can be caused by crowds, her friends, or even herself. In Sonic Rainboom she was afraid to disappoint the entire crowd. In Testing Testing 1, 2, 3 she gave up entirely because she was disappointed in herself.
This trait, combined with her element of loyalty combine to illustrate how I chose to characterize her. She obviously cares for her friends dearly and would not want to disappoint them above anyone else. While in any normal circumstances, when challenged Rainbow Dash goes on the offensive to meet the challenge. I believe that behavior would switch, however, in a situation such as this. A situation in which Rainbow not only knows she bucked up but also broke a promise at the same time. A situation in which her friend is terribly disappointed in her. I believe that in this situation she would attempt to do anything to rectify the problem to show her friends that, while she may be brash and abrasive at times, she is truly loyal to those she cares for. In the end, I feel as though she would be more concerned for Twilight's opinion of her than her own ego.

you bucking scared me half to death with this fic! halfway through my gut was telling me "It's a dashie rape, close the fucking browser!"

5808850 :pinkiesad2: I'm sorry! Did you finish the story?

5808886 Yes I did, and it was AMAZING!! :heart: oh by the way, I liked it! :derpytongue2:

5808219 It's still much too excessive to say she cowered from her friend's aggressive talk. It would be much more realistic to say she cowered away from being seen or the situation all together. But when it comes to talking to other ponies or even her friends you should try something to the effect of her saying "You wouldn't dare!" (Or the like) And her cowering from the sight of her friends to avoid embarrassment but again not aggressive talk.

5809577 *in demonic voice* I WANT ANOTHER CHAPTER!!

This was hillarious. You got me.
Now I am waiting for the next chapter.

Really nice fic. I like clop with comedy and plot.

Ok... AJ seemed a bit... uh... :applejackunsure: not very bright here. I assume her a bit more keen. For a comedy it was fine, though
But really Fluttershy made my day. Her appereance was even better than the going kinky in (semi)public place

So have my like and this nice moustache. :moustache:

Keep your good work and I am eager to read the next part.

I really liked this. If you keep doing well, I might end up following you, and I do not do that often.

Good luck with this! I can't wait for the next chapter. :twilightblush:

Also, any chance that you could space out each paragraph? It'll make things a lot easier to read.

Login or register to comment