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Damn, that was a great starting chapter! I can't wait to see where this goes
ten smiles says that dash feels violated and slightly betrayed when she finds out that twilight peeked into her dreams. yes, she started it by accident, but she chose to stay. that makes all the difference.
6018734 make it 20 smiles :D
Deal or No Deal the fate of this conversation rests on your hands
I saw nothing wrong with this story (except for a few grammatical errors.)
But I'm not going to nitpick.
This story was great. It made sense on how twilight has this power and It explained everything. Frankly it was cute, funny, made sense, and was a good read
I hope to see more.
Screw privacy, we're dream walkers!
6019177 An unfortunate side effect when you're too impatient for an editor :P
6018699 I hope you'll enjoy it!
6018734 It'll be an interesting conversation to say the least ;)
6019189 CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DREAM WALKERS YAY!
6019055 *claps hands* you got yourself a deal!
I like this concept! Is this gonna be a series where Twi goes into all kinds of ponies dreams?
Hrm. Pretty good start, and I like the concept.
But it's a bit... I can't really identify what I mean exactly, but I'll try. There's a problem a lot of authors have making exposition feel natural, and that's what I see here. There's a lot of Luna infodumping things on Twilight just one after another; the conversation doesn't flow like it should, exactly. Yours isn't the worst I've seen about it by far, but you could stand to try and liven up the expository moments a bit.
Anyway, I think this is worth a fave rather than just a track, so I'll be seeing where you go with it regardless.
Oh my... the ship is setting sail
Look forward to more
Quick tip to make first person read stronger.
Never start a paragraph with "I".
Try very hard to not have more than one sentence in a paragraph to start with "I".
(Dialogue doesn't count.)
Oh my god, I love you.
Nice start. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
This is interesting. Right to my track-shelf.
Lovely story, i hope to be jumping into it wholeheartedly soon.
Not to mention your way of describing latent magic was great, if only more stories could take this as headcanon.
Loved it! Needs to have another part!
If Loyal had a hand in this, then it's definitely worth putting in the 'to read' list! ;)
6018734 Dunno. Maybe she's into exhibitionism too?
Well. Um. Damn.
Should I really be reading clopfics at 12 years old?
Screw it, normally I'm not much of a fan of this stuff, though that's partially because I just got bored, but this was...interesting. I'm gonna see where this goes...
I'm not usually one for clopfics (this is the first one I've tried to read), but this is pretty good! I have placed one of my tracking devices on this story and have filed it into my "read later" section so that I may find it easier. Great writing! I'm now as curious as Twilight is to see where it goes.
I really like the concept of this fic, but I really hate how it's actually written. I could ramble about my issues with the chapter, but it's probably just my personal preference that gets in the way.
6023765
Who cares? It's not real porn, just words. Albeit, sexy words, but you get my point.
6023765 only one year ahead take bud! Screw logic right up the ass if you don't think you should!!!
6023765 I was reading fics like it at your age, so sure ^.^
6019588 She'll be going into more than just Rainbow's dreams, yes, but it's more of a TwiDash story.
6020075 Apologies. However, when it comes to introducing someone to BDSM, lots of talking is necessary.
6020675 I'll take that into account in the future!
6021469 Thanks!
6022070 The idea just kinda sprung in my mind. Who knows, maybe it'll influence another writer's headcanon.
6023496 He didn't have much of one, but he did give the first draft a read through and helped make it not be atrocious. And Moonstone was a bit of inspiration.
6023980 Feel free to rant about your issues with it. I can't improve them unless I know what they are.
6025200
Well, do keep in mind that this is just my opinion. You may disagree at any point. My thoughts are probably also gonna be all over the place.
So, firstly I can't get behind how you portray the characters. Luna is ridiculously blunt and has no respect for Dash's boundaries. I mean, she nearly screamed "Hey Twilight, Dash is having a sexual dream about you. Wanna see?". When Twilight even askes further intimate details, Luna divulges them without a second thought. Then there's Twilight who's barely wondering if perhaps she should respect Dash's privacy.
Now, the next issue is more personal charactarization, where you see characterize someone one way, and I another, but your Luna is ridiculously blunt. I think it would've been better if she asked Twilight about her own experiences before revealing all her information about subject X. Like, with the latent alicorn magic thing, I'd figure it'd be better if she first asked Twilight if she's noticed something in the last weeks. Or on the subject of sex being part of Cadance's magic, letting Twilight do most of the figuring out. Honestly, in my opinion, it would've been better if Luna dropped out of the dream as soon as Twilight knew how to control the dreamscape, leaving Twilight to explore Dash's dream on her own. Twilight's intrusion on Dash's privacy works beter as an 'in-the-moment' thing than sorting it out beforehand and still going on with it. Twilight would then spot Dash in her fantasy, where her interest in a new subject would overrule her guilt.
Luna's explanation on bondage kinda reads like it came straight from a book, so it'd could've been better if it actually came from a book. One that Twilight might look up the next morning after that night's dream. It's probably just a matter of preference.
Wrapping up, I feel like there's too much worldbuilding, put into too little words, while the characters of the ponies don't really match up with what canon established. I reckon Twilight would swear off dreamwalking after she realizes how much of a breach of trust between friends she did. (Hell, maybe she did, I couldn't read it to the end)
But yeah, that sorta sums up my feelings. Characterization being the biggest issue.
Only number two? This is blasphemy.
6025295 You have some valid points. However, you have to think about how Twilight would have taken it if Luna hadn't been there or explained what bondage was and why ponies do it. All she would have known was the Rainbow was tied down to a table, effectively being raped (from Twilight's point of view, mind you) and all by a dream version of herself. She needed the context, and that could only come from Luna. Otherwise, she would have majorly freaked out, stressed out, panic attack, you name it. That would have definitely screwed with her mind.
As for invasion of privacy like some others are saying? With Luna, the fact is irrelevant. You can't keep something private from her if it appears in a dream. And now, Twilight is a Princess who also has dreamwalking abilities. Sooner or later she'd walk in on a dream like this and not know what to do. From Luna's perspective, it would be best to do it with somepony she was familiar with. When given all of the possible options, would that have been the best move? Perhaps not, but you have to consider it from Luna's (somewhat archaic) view. That, and the fact that she saw Twilight in the freaking dream. So why not tell her?
6026228 It was number one earlier :P Honestly, I'm surprised it's stayed up there so long. Not my greatest work apparently. But I'll be working on that! ^.^
6026353 If you can get one chapter on the number one spot, you can get your amazing story the break the internet.
Its great, I really enjoyed reading your explanations for latent magic and the rest, it made a lot of scene. People with new ideas such as yours are hard to come by. The only thing I noticed was this:
“Well, you’re not like most ponies.” They shared a laugh, then Luna continued. “Different ponies do different things, but one of the most common ones is tying ponies up. Rendering them immobile, making them helpless, and totally dependent on their partner. There’s generally a dominant, the one tying, and a submissive, the one being tied.”
"They shared..." Its supposed to be in first person POV here isn't it?
-Pegasynth
Oh and characterization be damned I really agree with how you portrayed Luna. Because so little of her actual personality is portrayed in the cannon show she is much more "up for grabs" than other ponies. I believe the personalities you reflected were appropriate and congruent with the given universe.
So don't stop writing ya hear?
-Pegasynth
6026860 6026875 I dunno how new they are, but it made a fine excuse for Twilight to dreamwalk. And then other things down the road. And eep! Thanks for catching that. I switch back and forth between POV's so much that I sometimes make mistakes like that.
Luna can be interpreted in so many ways, especially because the culture 1000+ years ago is up for grabs as well. So her foundational personality is also up for grabs. And I certainly won't stop writing! Hopefully I'll start working on the next chapter sometime in the next day or so :)
6026351
True, but there's a better way to solve it than currently is written, in my opinion. I'd have Luna stick around a bit longer then, and when Twilight actually questions Luna about Dash's dream, Luna tells Twilight that not everything is as it appears in the dreamscape. She can guarantee Twilight however that Dash isn't having a bad dream. After that, she'd leave or give a little more preparation but preferably as vague as possible.
I think the best way to handle Twilight's lust that's supposed to be coming soon, is to just give her the blocks to start exploring it herself, not throw a dictionary of sex terms at her face. Lead Twilight to places where she'll find sexual stuff, make sure she won't freak out when she finds the places, and let Twilight do the research herself, in her own sensible way.
And with Luna, my point still stands. Twilight is dreamwalking for the 'first' time, and Luna doesn't even faze about showing her a very intimate thing, figuring she'll find such a thing eventually by herself. Hell, Luna could actually work as the reserved one, and just Twilight's insistance at finding out what's happening has her finally caving. Like how others said that Twilight and Dash are gonna have on hell of a conversation, I think that Luna might need a reminder from Celestia about personal boundaries and such.
This was really good, looking forward to more chapters :3
Hot.
This needs proofreading. There are too many of the wrong words in the wrong place.
can we have Luna X Twilight? :D
I love where your story is going. I love the smexyness!
6030306 Like what? Some of them might be how the dialogue/stream of consciousness is structured, while others might be genuine errors. You can't just say there's something wrong and not point out any evidence.
6030968 Perhaps
I think the sex was a bit graphic for a dream, it wouldn't include specific details such of what kind of gag she would have down to the fact that it has three holes, and it certainly wouldn't have so many smells. Dreams tend to be vague in spots the dreamer isn't concentrating on.
The way the story is written does attracts ones attention. The explanations for why certain things are happening is clear enough and even though the way Luna explained to Twilight what BDSM is seemed like she threw a dictionary on Twi's face it at least made it clear. To sum up, the story is griping, the characters seem a bit out of place and a few grammar mistakes which I hardly noticed.
6031029 Ok, to be fair, I only found one error:
"And would do." should be "Any would do".
This feels a little off. There are a ton of varied ways to make sex interesting without introducing any outside objects. If you're doing the same thing over and over without much variation, you're doing sex wrong. That aside, bondage lifestyle isn't an attempt to make sex kinkier.
This doesn't adequately explain the appeal of BDSM. The most important thing in bondage, a master/slave relationship, or anything similar, is trust; the trust the submissive willingly puts in the dominant's hands, and the trust that dom holds sacrosanct. There is the fear from the lack of control, tempered and made arousing by the knowledge that your partner will never truly hurt you; of equal value is the powerful feeling of controlling another's body, a body voluntarily gifted unto you.
That aside, you have some pretty nasty issues of morality here with Twilight just watching something as personal as a dream out of self-interest. Ash too, for sitting around to watch a wet dream. That is a titanic violation of a person--at least Luna goes around trying to help people fix their problems. And then Luna just casually throws out private information like Dash's yet-unspoken attraction to Twilight, which is just ripping apart Rainbow Dash's privacy. Rather than showing Twilight how to safely and responsibly walk amongst dreams, she's teaching her how to exploit them for her own pleasure.
6032011 Well considering what type of dream this is it's likely that rainbow would be focusing on those aspects. Anyway, the author is allowed some artistic licence.
The story has potential, but lacks pacing. It's like all of the information was thrown into the first half of the chapter. It's totally understandable that Luna would educate Twilight on any of these subjects, except she was just given bare information without much context.
It was all trying to rush past the "Twilight doesn't have any experience with dreamwalking or sex" part, as if that were somehow boring or unimportant. As if mature stories with erotica need to, as quickly as possible, skip over anything that doesn't inspire boners.
Pacing matters. Well, at least to literary nerds who get immersed into stories, it matters.
And, please, if you do read this, don't take it as either not liking how you wrote it, or how I want it written.
I had that happen once...I'm just saying it's a bit jarring, from at least one reader's perspective, to see a naìve, studious pony get at least 5 life-changing revelations in one hour and not freak out when same said pony mind-controlled an entire town over a self-imposed due date...I'm just rephrasing my deleted comment here
So far, it is pretty good. I can't wait to see the reaction of Rainbow Dash when Twilight will ask her. X)
That was great! Please never cancel this! Though there were some grammar problems, the storyline was fantastic! Keep up the good work!
You know, for all the talk and discussion on how dream-walking is accomplished, I'm a bit disappointed that Luna didn't even bother to go into any of the ethical concerns of peeping in on others dreams. Sure, maybe Rainbow might trust Luna by default, but what about that idiot Ash? Who the hell is he, and why is he allowed to watch Rainbow's wet dream? It comes across as the equivalent of someone watching porn on their work computer.
I think this story would have been much better if Twilight accidentally awakened to her dream-walking ability and ran into Rainbow's dream by mistake, only to get pulled out by Luna after the fact and then have the nuts and bolts explained to her. Maybe even use the initial plunge to have Twilight figure some of these dream-walking things out on her own rather than just have Luna give an expository dump.
6119145 Ash and the Dream Guard are like Luna's kids. Luna has a very informal approach to dreams because she's seen so many of them. So she finds it more humorous than anything else when she finds one of her Dream Guard in a wet dream. When you've seen millions of dreams, you get desensitized to what's "private."
I did have it like that in the first draft. And then the people I showed it to said that it was a terrible way to approach it. You have to remember what it would have been like if Twilight had seen Rainbow with no preparation whatsoever (forgive me if I sound annoyed, I've had to answer this question numerous times and no one seems to get why I did what I did). Twilight sees Rainbow tied up on a table with a double of herself as the one doing the (to her view) torture or whatnot. She would overreact to ridiculous levels, have emotional problems, and totally misunderstand the scene and have an extraordinarily bad view of BDSM from then on out. That's how I had it written and I can't change that because that is who her character is and how she would react. I prefer to keep my characters in character, and that was the only conceivable reaction. So for everything else to happen, it had to go the way it went and I simply executed it poorly.
6119914
Alternatively then, you should have Twilight call Luna out on the ethical concerns. I could reasonably buy into Luna being desensitized to lewd dreams and being oblivious to some ponies taking offense to her and the lunar guard's dream peeping (hell, you don't have to look far for a real world example of that), but as you've just raised the point of Twilight potentially panicking at being thrown unprepared into a lewd dream, it seems odd that she isn't even the least bit concerned about the aforementioned ethics.
Ultimately, I'd say the problem is Ash. Luna is a known quantity who has a bit of a 'character buffer'. I'd wager most people who look at her in this scenario know full well (or at least assume) she'd never use this knowledge unethically, but Ash is an unknown quantity. Maybe Twilight trusts Luna, but she would have absolutely no reason to extend that trust to her guard, and the fact that neither side brings this up is far more unrealistic (at least to me) than the potential meltdown she might have had if she went into Rainbow's dream unprepared.
6121319 Okay, I'm just going to be honest here. When i wrote this, I didn't even think about the moral/ethical aspects of this. It literally didn't occur to me whatsoever. That probably says a lot about my character :P But I made a mistake in that and now I'm trying to remedy it with the second chapter and that's making it really tricky to pull off.