The X Variable

Moongaze14

Moongaze14 #1 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · ·

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Nice beginning.

zaku666

zaku666 #2 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · ·

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really sunbut and moonbut are going to see whats going on?
they hardly ever do shit in the cannon.
you do have alernate universe tag right?

Elric of Melnipony

Elric of Melnipony #3 · Mar 18th, 2015 · 3 · 1 ·

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Equestria
Sweet Apple Acres
12:00AM

Don't do that. This is a story, not a news report.

It was a beautiful summer night in Equestria

Don't open with a weather report, either.

Luna’s moon

There are several truckloads of stories that use this exact phrase. Try something new.

Solace was felt by all, just as it had been ever since the end of Nightmare Moon some time ago.

Yep, nothing bad ever happened in Equestria again after Nightmare Moon was vanquished! Not at all, nosiree!

Applejack dreamt of apple related treats and ideas

Because she has no other personality characteristics at all.

a tiny yet noticible snooze escaping her

"Snooze" doesn't mean "snore", it means "sleep".

Apple Bloom, was ... dreaming of one day finally receiving her cutie mark.

Because she also has only one aspect to her personality.

Yes, everything was just as it should be...

Pretty sure we've established that by now, yes. That horse is comatose and well on his way to being beaten to death.

On this particular night though, the word 'should' would have a much more noticeable meaning.

And yet this sentence borders on being meaningless...

An object of indiscernible size, mass, or even color

Describing stuff is hard. Better make it invisible!

an almost entirely black entity

I thought you said the color was indiscernible.

This was all there was--all there would be--as a single spit second proved to be all that was necessary to break what should be a simple, calm night in not only the Apple family farm, but through most of Ponyville as well.

This is boring. You're boring me.

This large, pure black entity shone

I thought you said the size was indiscernible.
Oh, and if it's shiny, it's no longer black.

Sound had seemingly died out completely as nearly every organism nearby the site grew quiet, tension easily reaching from the smallest of prey to the largest of predators. Few had circled around the site in curiosity, and even fewer had been brave enough to venture even closer, into the structure the object had landed within, going so far as to sniff--perhaps even touch--the foreign object.

You're taking a lot of words to say very little.

a single shape of black emerged
dark ... save for flicks of red ... shaped in the form of an 'x'

Oooh, edgy.

(Pov change)
???

Don't do that.

I'm done here. I can't read more.

MIKEANTHONY321

MIKEANTHONY321 #4 · Mar 18th, 2015 · 2 · 3 ·

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5752081
I haven't even read this yet, but it feels to me like you're criticizing stuff just for the sake of criticizing. I am a proofreader. Some of those points you're making are astonishingly trivial. For instance, you spent roughly four of those sixteen points talking only about the detail of the large, black entity. If you scrutinize to details that irrelevant, the writer will never improve. Start with the bigger picture, and then get picky once the author has a grip on what's correct.

PoniPrinceofPleasure

PoniPrinceofPleasure #5 · Mar 18th, 2015 · 3 · ·

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I wouldnt call myself a strong brony but atleast good enogh one to respect the others who have had the same happen I became one because of a dare for portal 2 but after watching 3 seasons I got hooked

You are actually, seriously this new.

Jesus Christ what the hell did I get myself into, everything was all fine and dandy until I got sucked into another realm of existence. Now I am stuck here with these human like ponies in a place called Equestria.

Oh fuck it's gonna be anudda ~~Shoa~~ one of these, ain'it?!

seriously though I would not be surprised if I woke up in an alleyway drugged off my ass by some lucky thug that got the jump on me.

You could've easily avoided a dealer trying to push on you by wanting to be a Hulkamaniac, and having fun with your family and friends.

Equestria
Sweet Apple Acres
12:00AM

Cue the Hans Zimmer/Sabaton/Two Steps From Hell/whatever comes up when you search "epic music" errybody!

It was a beautiful summer night in Equestria; the crickets were chirping their lovely tune. Overall, one would call It peaceful, to say the least, with everypony getting a good night's rest under Luna’s moon. Solace was felt by all, just as it had been ever since the end of Nightmare Moon some time ago. And how could it not be, what with the dreamscape having finally become an eternally safe haven for all to escape to during the night.
Among these many ponies to enter this such haven was Apple family: Ponyville's well-known apple farmers and suppliers. Much like anypony else, they each slept in a calm bliss, albeit in their own, sometimes noisy forms.
Applejack dreamt of apple related treats and ideas, a tiny yet noticible snooze escaping her as she slept. Her little sister, Apple Bloom, was caught up in her own mental bliss as well, dreaming of one day finally receiving her cutie mark. She was the only truly silent one of her family, while her grandmother and big brother gave out snores loud enough to buckle a house. It was something she had accustomed herself to though, much like anypony else who lived in a five-mile radius of the apple farm.

Uh... damn, this is actually pretty good! I have the right tab open, right...? Lemme check...

Huh.

On this particular night though, the word 'should' would have a much more noticeable meaning.
An object of indiscernible size, mass, or even color; an almost entirely black entity of incredible speeds; a crash. This was all there was--all there would be--as a single spit second proved to be all that was necessary to break what should be a simple, calm night in not only the Apple family farm, but through most of Ponyville as well.
The only remains of this event was firmly crashed into the ground, nothing more than a trail of heavily disturbed dirt, shrapnel, and rising smoke to prove its occurrence; a hole in the barn roof also served this purpose as well, though much more clearly. This large, pure black entity shone in sharp contrast among its brighter, more natural surroundings, the moon only serving to show this even more clearly as it seemed to focus upon this unusual happenstance.

And then it slowly dawns on you what kind of story this was supposed to be. And it's all downhill from there.

Sound had seemingly died out completely as nearly every organism nearby the site grew quiet, tension easily reaching from the smallest of prey to the largest of predators. Few had circled around the site in curiosity, and even fewer had been brave enough to venture even closer, into the structure the object had landed within, going so far as to sniff--perhaps even touch--the foreign object.
These brave few, however, would soon retreat like all the rest as the object suddenly gave out a loud hiss, moving only small parts of itself in an unholy display of the unknown.
What seemed like a small mouth near the top of the entity's head shot open, smoke now seeming like a creature's heavy breath as it escaped in plumes.

Notice how the OC is referred to with vague phrases such as "it", "the creature", "the entity", etc. This is a staple of LoHAV and similar stories, and is meant to give off the impression that they are a bad boy who likes Nine Inch Nails (the band) and JNCO jeans without actually going to the effort to describe them as menacing -- because let's face it, nobody's getting legit threatened by Edgykerr Mc Edgyson of Krieg IVth over here.

It was through these clouds of gray, however, that a single shape of black emerged, just as similarly pitched and dark as its much larger counter-part--save for flicks of red that appeared upon it's torso, shaped in the form of an 'x'.

...The self-insert is an America's Got Talent buzzer?!

Grass tamped and crunched as the being fell from its other, seemingly superior self, and appendage moving to it's head as it surveyed it's surroundings.
(Pov change)
???
“Ugh... My head." I mentally groaned, rubbing said source of immense pain with struggling fervor.

And just like that, any and all remaining sheds of hope for this story are dashed like King Obongo calling cries for Pakistani aid "anti-semetic".

Skipping most of this because it's generic HiE stuff. Edgyson is big and spooky and knocks over trees and shit, etc.

My head was starting to feel better, but barely by enough to stop my head from throbbing at every thought.

“Twilight, we need the rest of the girls here now!” She asserted, causing me to raise a brow in worry.
“Why, Applejack? What’s going on?”
“Something crashed into mah barn, and ah don’t have a clue what it is!”

"Come to the Airport Hilton and let's fucking talk about it!"

“Well... Ah'm not too sure. It was black, ah could tell ya that much. Plus, there were two things coming out the side of it, and the back and top of it was puffin' out smoke. Hay, I even touched the a part of it and almost burnt mah hand off doing it.”

Oh, and they're also anthro. Because OP is too much of a fucking casual to stick his carrot in a horsey's hiney.

Also

It was black

Oy vey goyim, I'll have you know that's racist! Pay seven million shekels to your nearest Rabbi, as roughly totaled to equal the lives of those lost in the dreaded Shoa, as compensation. Failure to do so will result in you being blamed for the death of a young african-american male who dindu "nuffin".

I have also realized that I have made my character way to much of a garry stu and that's not going to happen any more

Um.

In closing, this was actually tolerable. The characterization was decent, and the prose was surprisingly good -- except for those jarring as fuck POV changes and timestamps out of a CoD campaign. If your reader can't tell those things from description and dialogue alone, you're doing something wrong. A good way to avoid this is just by writing solely in third person unless you really, really need it for the story, which you actually probably don't in most cases. And, of course, the thing that's holding you back most as a writer; that terrible black and red OC. Switch your avatar (I personally suggest a superior dominant sexy ubermenscha Aryan pone she-wolf as replacement), get rid of the newfag user info, and kill your darling (don't delete the stories with him though, just cancel so people can later see how much you've improved as a writer). This is gonna sound harsh, but no matter how good of a character he becomes, no matter how brilliant your story's twists and turns get, and no matter how natural and believable the romance with one of the Mane Six could be, people will automatically dislike and move on because it's about a red and black ex-human-in-Equestria with amnesia wooing and eventually fucking a waifu, who is also anthro.

Watching to see what you put out in the future, because you seem like an okay goy.

Brightlight24

Brightlight24 #6 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · ·

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1. Change up your story summary. I'm sorry, but it gives people a bad first impression--not because of what it said, but the grammar of how it's said.
2. Capitilization in your chapter names is important as well.
3. As you've said, take into account these comments. They will help you immensely. Even if they say something you can't really reverse right now, use them as a basis for future stories. This must always be taken into account.

^Consider this a note from me (your editor), and as such, be sure to take it into account.

(Also, you misspelled variable.)

KiltedKey

KiltedKey #7 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · ·

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5752205 I now have Night Witches stuck in my head. Thank you~

Elric of Melnipony

Elric of Melnipony #8 · Mar 18th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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5752184

it feels to me like you're criticizing stuff just for the sake of criticizing

No, I'm criticizing because things are being done poorly. I do this with lots of writers.

Some of those points you're making are astonishingly trivial.

They're trivial in that I could ignore one or two of them, yes. But when the small, minor, trivial errors just keep on coming, I can't ignore their cumulative effect.

For instance, you spent roughly four of those sixteen points talking only about the detail of the large, black entity.

...which we were told had no detail. I'm not the one writing contradictory text. I wouldn't have touched on it at all if he hadn't first said that it couldn't be described... and then started describing it.

If you scrutinize to details that irrelevant, the writer will never improve.

Citation needed. And contradictory text is never irrelevant.

MIKEANTHONY321

MIKEANTHONY321 #9 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · 3 ·

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5753326
Citation? I need a citation? I didn't copy that sentence from anyone. It's completely mine.

Elric of Melnipony

Elric of Melnipony #10 · Mar 18th, 2015 · 1 · ·

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5753526
It means that I doubt your assertion about how writers learn and I'm asking for proof.

MIKEANTHONY321

MIKEANTHONY321 #11 · Mar 18th, 2015 · · 3 ·

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5753929
I don't have proof. That is literally my own knowledge. If it doesn't seem credible for you, then I'm sorry I interrupted your rant. Do not reply to this comment if there are no hard feelings.

Therisinghero

Therisinghero #12 · Mar 19th, 2015 · · ·

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5752081 I appreciate your input and I will get on it as soon as I can I had this edited like 3 days ago and now since you have pointed out these flaws I will try and get it edited!

Therisinghero

Therisinghero #13 · Mar 19th, 2015 · · ·

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5752205 thanks for all that I really appreciate what you have said
and to clear up any confusion the object in black is supposed to be an experimental aircraft that mimics the V.T.O.L. jet fighter that can take off vertically like a helicopter.
qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-5957514fb9cf99364f26a385f508e59a?convert_to_webp=true

and the main oc is not anthro he is a human being but every other character is anthro.

oh and I loved your comments on the certain sections (they made me laugh) I know I am bad at writing and I still am working on improving and what you said and as well as others has made me think on editing this chapter and removing all the unnecessary crap.

aceboy

aceboy #14 · Apr 2nd, 2015 · · ·

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5757647 this is a amazing

Therisinghero

Therisinghero #15 · Apr 6th, 2015 · · ·

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5752205

Notice how the OC is referred to with vague phrases such as "it", "the creature", "the entity", etc. This is a staple of LoHAV and similar stories, and is meant to give off the impression that they are a bad boy who likes Nine Inch Nails (the band) and JNCO jeans without actually going to the effort to describe them as menacing -- because let's face it, nobody's getting legit threatened by Edgykerr Mc Edgyson of Krieg IVth over here.

I have no intention of making this a LoHAV story, this character is generic because I came up with him myself he is in no way villainous I am trying to portray him as a hero with tactics like batman but different in a few ways.

Therisinghero

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