Fallout Equestria: The Fallen

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Tetragrammaton

Tetragrammaton #1 · Mar 15th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Luck and Angels ·

The story seems not bad at all, but there are a few issues I have

- bold printing lines for emphasis. I don't like it. It doesn't look professional. The English language has the exclamation mark for putting emphasis into sentences. Do that instead.
- This could use a bit more build-up for your character. Having more than one paragraph introducing your main character is appreciated among readers.
- run on sentences. I might be an author who tends to make ones too, but here they don't feel like one complex sentence but several sentences glued together by using a comma instead of a full stop. Try not to do that.
- this whole chapter feels too fast. This might be connected to the barely 1000 words, but even then, every action in the chapter feels as if it is resolved in one single sentence. Work out your scenes more by making them a longer. This whole chapter are literally two scenes with barely any action in it, left alone characterization.
- you tell the readers many things, although showing them would be better. You write from a 1st person POV, use that to your advantage. Give us thoughts and feelings of your character, so that we can understand him better. That's the point of 1st person POV stories.

Apart from that, I really like stories with enclave pegasi (even if they are dashites) and I'd like to see how the story progresses.