Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash must take the mantles
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 19th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 14th, 2015
Blondlionezel
My name is Nicholas Roy, I like MLP: FIM, Marvel, Transformers, Godzilla, and Anime
Blondlionezel
Joined 19th Jan, 2015 ·
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5572880 Whoops! I'll fix that typo! Thank you
One could only hope since this is chapter one.
5573259 Sorry about that! I fixed that mistake.
This story is going to need a lot of work before it should ever be considered done.
These folks here can help you with that: School for New Writers
5573278 Okay. Thanks for the link
More please! This is the best moooooorrrrrreeeeeee!
5573445 Thank you :) I'm taking a creative break, but Chapter 4 will be on tomorrow.
5573447 YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5573463 I like your enthusiasm
Bad writer! Bad bad writer! (*smacks writer on the nose with a rolled up newspaper*)
There's a huge problem with this and I've only read the first chapter but the quoted line above tells everything. There's a concept in writing where you "show, don't tell". What you did here was tell people it was Loki. The rest of the story is pretty bland, moves very fast and there's really nothing you can do when your longest chapter is only 707 words. You should aim higher. One thousand words at a minimum per chapter, anything less is really not worth reading.
This is looking good, but your grammar and spelling could use some work. Do you need an editor? I'd be happy to help!
5575270 Sure. Thank you :)
5575277
Alright!
You need a space after that comma.
Who's Twilight Sparkled, and when'd she get here? I thought we were talking about Sunset!
Again, spaces.
Missing periods.
*worthy. You're also missing a period on the end there.
A better way to write this would be:
Come on, use some spaces! The spacebar is your friend; he only wants to make your text easier to read!
*facepalm*
*double facepalm*
*sigh* I'm not even going to point this out anymore, I think you've gotten the message.
Sorry, but that doesn't work. You need to describe him in detail, just like every other character.
Other notes:
At the top, alongside all of the other buttons, there's a button to separate scenes. It should look like a double-sided arrow.
What's up with the coins? Are they supposed to give their holder the powers of the hero depicted? If so, what happened to the originals? You've given us no explanation so far; you should put in a prologue to give us some background on the matter.
I always knew Flash Sentry was evil
Why is it cancelled it was so gooooooood
5673180 people review