New Equestrian Avengers

by Blondlionezel

Chapter 3

Leo Stark’s mansion was huge! It had silver walls, light blue cars on display, and a bunch of different pictures of relatives.

“Wow! This place is huge! It makes Big Ben look tiny!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“Yeah, I wish so...” Leo Stark thought to himself. A few steps later, a robotic being approached the group.

“What is that?” Sunset Shimmer asked Leo Stark.

“Welcome to the mansion of Leo Stark. May I interest you in a movie?” JARVIS asked the group.

“This is one of my butler bots” Leo Stark told them, “They use JARVIS”.

“May I fancy you in a movie? I have a database full of millions of movies” JARVIS offered the group.

“Sure thing, JARVIS” Leo Stark responded.

“Also, can we get a pizza?” Fluttershy asked.

“It is on the way” JARVIS told Fluttershy as the robotic butler went into the kitchen, as a rotund, black cat walked past them.

“You have a cat?” Twilight Sparkle asked Leo Stark. Leo Stark nodded as he picked up his fat cat.

“His name is Happy” Leo Stark introduced his cat to his new friends, “Say hi Happy!”

“He’s so cute! May I pet him?” Twilight Sparkled asked.

“Sure” Leo Stark responded as he put Happy in Twilight Sparkle’s arms. Sunset Shimmer then proceed to pet Happy, making him purr adorably.

A few hours later, everyone was in pajamas, having fun doing their own activities. Twilight Sparkle was reading a book, Fluttershy was petting Happy, Rainbow Dash was watching an action movie, Leo Stark was working on a new piece machinery, and Sunset Shimmer was sitting next to Leo Stark.

“What are you building?” Sunset Shimmer asked Leo Stark tinkering with odd things like gears and wires.

“I’m making a new device to track sources of oil, so that when people drill for oil, they won’t leak the oil into said water supply” Leo Stark responded as he put the finishing touches on his new invention.

“That’s so cool!” Sunset Shimmer squealed as she wrapped her arms around Leo Stark, causing them both to blush.

Suddenly, a scream could be heard from the living room could be heard. The group ran towards the living room, where they saw Fluttershy and a secret staircase.

“What the heck is that?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“It looks like a stairway...” Twilight Sparkle examined the area. Rainbow Dash then grabbed Leo Stark and began to shake him, causing Sunset Shimmer to pull them apart.

“It’s probably nothing!” Sunset Shimmer exclaimed.

“Um, guys...” Fluttershy said, as she was now in the secret room, “You might want to see this...”

The group all went downstairs, and they all gasped at what they saw. Technology of all kinds, fancy and expensive sports cars, a giant monitor, and a small room with a red and gold robotic suit!

“Oh my gosh...” Twilight Sparkle gasped, “Are you-”

“Yes, I am Iron Man!” Leo Stark answered.

Meanwhile, in a dark, empty, building, Loki sat, pondering how to take over this world.

“Master...” The hooded figure addressed Loki.

“Yes, my student?” Loki asked why the hooded figure addressed him.

“The man of Iron knows Twilight Sparkle and a few of her friends” The hooded figure responded.

“Well...” Loki thought out loud, “Find them and destroy them, Flash Sentry!”.

“I shall destroy them all!” Flash Sentry took off the hood and bowed to his master.

Comments

[Blondlionezel]

5572880 Whoops! I'll fix that typo! Thank you

[Blondlionezel]

5573259 Sorry about that! I fixed that mistake.

[Revenant Pony]

This story is going to need a lot of work before it should ever be considered done.

These folks here can help you with that: School for New Writers

[Blondlionezel]

5573278 Okay. Thanks for the link

[MagicalEntaty]

More please! This is the best moooooorrrrrreeeeeee!

[Blondlionezel]

5573445 Thank you :) I'm taking a creative break, but Chapter 4 will be on tomorrow.

[MagicalEntaty]

5573447 YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Blondlionezel]

5573463 I like your enthusiasm

[Blackguard]

“No matter...I shall defeat them all!” The figure turned around, revealing himself to be Loki!

Bad writer! Bad bad writer! (*smacks writer on the nose with a rolled up newspaper*)

There's a huge problem with this and I've only read the first chapter but the quoted line above tells everything. There's a concept in writing where you "show, don't tell". What you did here was tell people it was Loki. The rest of the story is pretty bland, moves very fast and there's really nothing you can do when your longest chapter is only 707 words. You should aim higher. One thousand words at a minimum per chapter, anything less is really not worth reading.

[Blondlionezel]

5575270 Sure. Thank you :)

[Pyra Lira]

5575277 Alright!

[Madman Stories CO]

I always knew Flash Sentry was evil

[MagicalEntaty]

Why is it cancelled it was so gooooooood

[brandonvortex]

5673180 people review