• Member Since 20th Apr, 2012
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Linkonpark100

I am a novice writer who tries to find inspiration from pretty almost everything.

Linkonpark100 Joined 20th Apr, 2012 · Offline

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pendrake72
pendrake72 #1 · Jan 6th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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@Linkonpark100...

Alizarin Crimson = "Red Red"...?

Roarin Thunder
Roarin Thunder #2 · Jan 6th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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FoE, Red And Black OC, Prequel, and Futuristic Weapons. Sounds like grade F self insert wish fulfillment already.

But, I shouldn't jump too far ahead in my assumption. Let's look in here.

Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em

Is there a ton of subtlety lying around or is this title just for that extra edge if the cover art wasn't enough?

No one would even dare and try look for it here.

Look, if your ship lands here and you automatically assume that nobody will look for it, then you're begging for trouble.

Alizarin Crimson

Really, Author? That name? Edgy Human OC Creator names already sounds horrible.

Throughout the search, the heat never bothered him. His battlesuit concealed every single part of his body. In fact, it kept him warmer. His mask was worn to not only conceal his identity, but to also work as a HUD that makes his work easier to do. The lightning gauntlets he also wore was a hidden self-defense mechanism to gain an upper-hand over his enemies. However, they were rarely used since most of his kills were quite easy.

You know, instead of dumping exposition about the suit, you could reveal the mechanisms in a fight against an alien creature that may or may not be close by. Thus making a far better exposition tool that doesn't make me want to skip parts.

Moments later, the markers began to pop up on the map. Canterlot, Manehattan, Vanhoover.

Lemme get this straight... Your markers somehow knew the names of several cities on a far away planet where no assassin or bounty hunter has taken a job at? I'm calling bullshit. Just doesn't make any sense especially when you've never been there yourself.

Anthropomorphia

Discount Equestria name change for the sake of anthro.

Traveling was not a problem to the bounty hunter. After a moment of silence, Alizarin sped off from out of the ship and cave with his hoverbike. The bike matched the same colour as Alizarin's battlesuit. Crimson.

Oh wow, the edgy hoverbike that's also crimson. (possibly black too)

Looking up on the map of his HUD, his first destination was a forest called Everfree.

If he's going after a mission that's to be for royalty or whatever... Shouldn't they have told him the name of the place he'd have to go to, or given him something to imply where he has to go? It just seems very lazy.

I think that I reviewed this early on this week, but this one has a change of paint. Just a different wannabe badass hero saving the FoE universe. Grand... Continuing.

"Start sucking, bitch!"

Alizarin heard a voice. It sounded aggressive and deep. Slowly, he got up and crept through the forest. He was going as quiet and subtle, making sure that no footstep could be heard. He stood behind the tree and looked over.

Because this is totally where a rape assault would happen. Fuck logic.

Looking closely, she was some sort of yellow-furred equine and had a collar around her neck right under her pink-mane. What caught Alizarin off-guard was that there were tears coming out of her emerald eyes.

Random mare is being forced to suck cock now and our badass self insert hero surely won't like that.

The bounty hunter did not know what was going on, but something on his HUD told him that the caribou creature was of aggressive nature and had to be put down immediately before any difficulties could happen.

Or, he can be unfeeling as any other first person shooter hero and let his hud do the work for him. #MasterChief

"Please...let me come with you." She offered. It sounded like she was begging. If this creature was not a caribou or a stallion, then he could protect her.

Because the bounty hunter that just murdered that Caribou would be even safer to be around.

"P-p-please!!!" She was practically crying. It was not dramatic crying. It sounded so...tormented and desperate. "I've lost everypony to those monsters! My family, my friends...." she could not continue as she continued to sob onto him.

And I've heard it before. Rape, so much rape.

Big Action Scene Happens

And it was good. Our badass OC happens to pretty much fail to kill the caribou leader even with all his advanced tech. Surprising. Doesn't change the fact that this story has too much edge going on, but I applaud the author for this.

Finishing Notes and stuff might be repeated more than once.

Overall, despite the edge and the fact that the Caribou leader shouldn't be anywhere outside of Canterlot. This chapter isn't all that bad. The OC despite having all his advanced tech, black and red armor, and stealth skills fails to do his job of killing the caribou leader. Which is still surprising to me, but it's nice to have op characters fail. It makes them more realistic. Now if only he had more emotion as a character, I could like this a little bit more. I hope to see more improvements in the future.

Linkonpark100
Linkonpark100 #4 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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5472328

Thanks. Like I said, this story needs a lot of work and I would need the advice.

Alizarin Crimson is actually more of a pun name for the color for his outfit. My intention wasn't to make it edgy. So it's actually a red-red OC. XD

The Great Derpsby
The Great Derpsby #5 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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Well, another Post-FoE story. Not my genre, so I'll drop out after this. It's not you, it's me.

That being said, I do have a point of advice: The characterisation of Dainn is off. He's a very calm and calculating individual. You've made him a hothead who randomly kills his men, which is completely off the mark (you even called it "pointless" in the story. Yay for show, don't tell?)
If anything, the king is ice inside. And he does take care of his men, though I understand if that wouldn't fit your narrative.

5472328
Those are good points as well!

The Great Derpsby
The Great Derpsby #7 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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5474696
Thank you for being so open-minded and understanding! And despite the fact that it's not my cup of tea, I wish you success with your project!

Roarin Thunder
Roarin Thunder #8 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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5473776 That's different. The pic made it look red and blackish. I'll read more if we can see this character grow.

Mosqueefo
Mosqueefo #9 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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eh, when i first started reading i noticed the mc has NO BACKSTORY
just *mumble mumble* steely voice *mumble mumble* no emotions *mumble mumble* red black spehss armor *mumble mumble* bounty hunter *mumble mumble*

Mosqueefo
Mosqueefo #14 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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5474787 images.halloweencostumes.com/products/12052/1-1/adult-affordable-batman-mask.jpg
*mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble* my parents are dead *mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble*

ParkerThomas
ParkerThomas #15 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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I usually have a tendency to stay away from dark fics. But this has caught my interest. Hopefully it will have a happy ending.

Irish Rogue
Irish Rogue #16 · Jan 7th, 2015 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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AHMAGARD!!!!!!!!111one!!! :yay: MOAR!!!!!!!!!ONE111!!!!!ONE!!!!

UNITLuna004
UNITLuna004 #17 · Jan 10th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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What game is the future soldier character from? I'll like to know.

Jack Kellar
Jack Kellar #18 · Jan 10th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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I don't care much for exceptional consistency as long as we have a caribou slaughter, but yes, Roarin Thunder and The Great Derpsby both made good points for consistency. As long as you heed the advice, you'll be fine.

On to the venison soup kitchen!

FelyneDonutethespartan3
FelyneDonutethespartan3 #22 · Jan 10th, 2015 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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5487904
ah okay, brilliant story though, when do you think you the 3rd chapter will be ready, not trying to rush you or anything but i can't get enough of it.

FelyneDonutethespartan3
FelyneDonutethespartan3 #24 · Jan 10th, 2015 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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5487932
yeah true enough, tried writing a couple of stories in my past accounts, Family issues got in the way of that.

No I Will Not
No I Will Not #26 · Jul 20th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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5472328
Sudden nerf when it mattered most is very unrealistic and threatens to break immersion. Minus 8 to Intelligence stat when it was previously maxed at 10.

If Edgelord has so much tech and badass and just wanted to get the job done then snipe the target from the treeline.

FUCKING SNIPE.

But yes, it's not quite a deal breaker for me. You've pretty much said everything I feel.

Fray
Fray #28 · Aug 10th, 2015 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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I absolutely despise the entire Fall of Equestria universe.

But this... This i like.

Blaze Fury
Blaze Fury #29 · Oct 13th, 2015 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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"What is his problem? I was going to offer a share."

That is a reference I remember but cant quite put my finger on it.

Godzilladragon
Godzilladragon #30 · Apr 5th, 2016 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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One issue= This guy isn't a bounty hunter. That would imply this is a capturing deal.

This? This is an assassination.

Godzilladragon
Godzilladragon #32 · Apr 5th, 2016 · · · Filler 1: Fried Venison Sounds Delicious (Unedited) ·
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Also, what is this guy?

Wookie? Predator? Necromorph? Human? Twi'lek?

JustAnotherRandomFan
JustAnotherRandomFan #36 · Jul 9th, 2018 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
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The Gauss Rifle fails to penetrate multiple targets...

Well, it isn't a real Gauss weapon, now is it?

AgentKorpsman
AgentKorpsman #37 · Dec 14th, 2022 · · · Chapter 1: Screw Subtlety, There's A Ton Of 'Em (Rewritten) ·
Reply

One through the heart.

🎵Shot through the heart🎵

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