- Member Since 9th Dec, 2013
- online
Ponyess
I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP
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Ponyess · 8.4k words · 15 23 · 521 views
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I ... what is this? This is... no. You are rendering me speechless with your gross ineptitude. Have you ever even ... NO! *makes wild gestures with his hands, signifying various things, none of them good* WORDS! USE THEM BETTER!
I'm going to assume English isn't your first language, though. This is only an assumption, but I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt, although I'm not any happier with what I've seen here.
Stop. Start again. Rework this from the top. Put some *depth* into your writing. There should be emotions, feelings, descriptions, not just variations on the word 'said' used in the most inappropriate and hilarious manner, along with euphemisms for bodily parts that a ten year old would be embarrassed to use. I'm also highly questioning your tossing in of anime names.
You can use 'said' fairly often because it can fade into the background while someone's reading, but you can also not have dialogue tags and just go directly with actions after speaking. Also, you need MORE than just talking after talking after brief action. This reads like . . . I don't know what it reads like, but it hurts. I've written massage for years and, while you have a process, you spent no time on any part of the body, just listing off the parts, gave no indication it was anything other than a road map of 'I start here, go here, back around here and I'm done and she felt great',
Your short chapters do you no favours, give your readers no substance, and give no one any hint of backstory, characterization, quality, or even a clue.
Either make some changes or find someone to help you make changes. This is your 73rd fic and should not read like your first. You are capable of much more.
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Since you ask, now. English isn't my first language. I don't use it as an excuse, but I can admitt it when asked.
Maybe it helped, knowing the general position you are from, since I have observeddifferences in vboth words and expressions based on this. I commonly try to stick to European English.
I guess I could add more emmotions and depth to it, which would make more then just adding words to the story, yet making for a longer chapter.
Not sure if a ten-yearold is rellevant here, but using synonyms does add more than just words, at least if used propperly, wouldn't you agree?
I use the Japanese names for the Humans, as opposed to the Ponies, in which ever form they happen to be in this story.
Since you have experience in writing massage scenes, maybe you could give me some more advice along the way?
Massage could be used for different purposes, I was under the impression this should be reflected in how you express the performance in the story as well.
Short chapters is one of my old problems, it started as a reaction against the stories that just trailed off, but is also inspired by a series of books by David Brin, nowadays I only have short chapters in the beginning, or if the story is fairly short.
Now I ommonly use a chapter for a scene.
Sometimes I slip in development along chapter by chapter and Flash Backs in order to express things that doesn't work with the introduction of the story, requiring a heavier focus on something.
I commonly do go over stories after a few weeks to months, particularly if I have left the story inactive for a long period of time.
for comparison, you should have read an old story, I still keep numerous of these at my Mibba page, the old once here doesn't look as they did when I first published them.
I guess there still is a point, but writing stories without any feedback doesn't give all that much development.
I migrated to FiM, because I got more feedback than I got at Mibba.
Sadly, I have about given upon finding any Editor, the one I had is absent.
I had a reply, but they never did even get to start helping me.
Ps: I am putting in a revision right now, maybe I haven't managed to get in all that more into it, but you may have to read more into the exact wording than I have the impression you may have?
If you choose to write Exclaimed in place of Said, what does this tell you as reader?
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I know that it's no excuse, but it's certainly allowable that, it not being your first language, there will still be awkward sentence structure here and there. I have difficulty with any language other than English, so by defintion, you're ahead of me.
My argument was using a word like 'jiggies', which isn't a word that is normally seen when referring to that part of a body for anyone. If you're working around the breasts, you work around them. If you're kneading a flank or a thigh or a shin, that's what it is. A body is a body for massage purposes.
If you need more reference for that, I can recommend a friend's story, non-pony:
http://archiveofourown.org/works/1407706?view_adult=true See how it flows with attention to the different parts.
If you try, you might be able to put two or three scenes in a chapter. It makes it happier for your readers to have more to begin with, instead of a simple four or five hundred words.
As for 'exclaimed', that is best used for people who are excited or surprised, who would use a loud voice. Said becomes invisible to readers after a while, but it's not necessary to use them in every use of someone speaking.
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In my case, the language is one of the reasons for how my stories can come out awkward, but I doubt it is the only reason. Sometimes, there simply isn't a correct way to word certain things, by the looks of it.
English speaking people rarely seems to need to bother with a second language, aside form Canadians and a few others.
There are numerous words for this part of the body, but there are about as many for the male parts, I think.
One should make it a conscious choice, which one you pick at any given instance, or it loses meaning, compared to what it could have been.
I do have a few other words for this, depending on the situation in which it is used for added subtility. I could call them Hooters, Mellons or Cup-Cakes, depending on what I had in mind to express. Hope it gives a better perspective.
I guess that can work, at least if it is the same character or perspective that merely moves from one place to the next without any distinct separations.
That is how I used the word in the beginning of the story, along with a few other words with various additional meaning compaired with the original bland 'Said'.
Sometimes the shorter word has more meaning than the longer and bigger word too, if it is more presice an expression of what you tried to express.
The ideal would be to use the entire spectrum, from the smaller and shorter to the longer and bigger words, while avoiding to go over the top on either side.