- Member Since 18th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Last Friday
Misty Dolphin
I joined the fandom sometime between seasons 3 and 4. An online friend actually got me started, and i havent looked back since.
Misty Dolphin
Joined 18th Jun, 2014 ·
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PONY-CEPTION!!!!!
LOL. I swear, I didnt even thoink about that til you brought it up. But now that you do, I can totally see that.
Intersting, Though I think if you left out the clop until much later in the story. Had some intersting adventures, really made a connection with the characters it could be a really epic story....
Other then that the clop was pretty good...
Look, you guys... If your gonna go ahead and say you dislike my story, I would at least like to hear your honest opinion as to why. I mean if I'm doing something wrong here, you can at least tell me so I can improve.
uh yeah.. Ppf can skip that. I was posting it as they were.
Thanks for the advice. Wish Id thought of that. though like I said, it's my first story, so its only natural for it to be in need of work. I'm hoping I'll get better the more I post.
I gotta say this is an interesting chapter, cock transformation is something I rarely see around this site. It's also one of my favorite fetishes.
Though couldn't you have made the chapter a little longer? I wouldn't mind if you took a few days to make this chapter a few thousands words longer. I just feel like the clop in this chapter was too short, and you did say that writing sex was your talent. I know that you're new to writing stories, so here's a little advice; take some time to write your story. A lot of people on this site favor quality over speed, so take a few days to rewrite this. Make the chapter longer, make the clop more erotic, and fix your spelling mistakes. You're bound to get more likes.
Now about the clop. I only have a few questions on the cock transformation. When Shawn became Celestia's sentient Cock and Balls, you wrote that he could still see, hear, and feel everything. Does that mean that on the head of Celestia's dick, there's a pair of eyes, ears, and the place where the cum comes out moves like a month, or is Shawn just a white set of cock and balls that replaces Celestia's vagina? Can Shawn also move as Celestia's penis, or is Celestia in full control of Shawn as her dick?
Could you also do another chapter where Luna wants to have a turn with Shawn as her dick and testicles so she could screw Celestia?
Glad to see I'm not the only one into it then.
I'll see what I can do. As far as your questions: I'll answer what I can. Most of that scene I was basing off an rp I did with someone elsewhere. though at the time it didnt have to do with mlp. hes more of an expert on it than me, really.
As far as the eyes and ears on it, thatd be no,. He never really explained how the character would be able to see or hear, but in this kinda scenario, I guess the most likely answer would be magic If thats too unreliable an answer for you, I'm sorry. It's the best I can think of, and I'm kinda improvising half the time here.
The second part I CAN answer to some degree. He did have some control, but celestia could override said control if she liked. Its more klike gis soul is inside her cock, essentially becoming it, and all that entails.
As for your request, Thats certainly do-able. I'll get to it when I'm able. my schedule as far as availabity to get online sometimes is rather... shall we say, unpredictable.
Just because you read clop doesn't mean you'll be any good at it.
Seems like someone thinks they're an expert in the field without having practiced.
Do us all a favor and reserve your narcissistic notes for /after/ we "read" your chapter. It's bad enough that we have to read your "story" about your blatant self-insert; we don't need this pretention spewing garbage to make this experience anymore painful than it already is.
WELL, you didnt have to be quite so rude about it, you know. I respect your opinion, but that did seem rather harsh. theres a difference between constructive criticism, and just plain being a jerk!
4575888
4575628
"When Egos Collide". Coming to a fimfiction near you.
Oh ha ha, Real funny.
At least some people seem to like it to some degree, or id seriously consider deleting this story altogether.
Welp. That was a piece.
I don't want to be offencive but I just can't help it.
There were typos EVERWHERE, the idea was just...ugh.
The fetish was new to me and interesting. That was the good part.
Pretty much everything else to me was...Not good. Sorry. Just wanted to explain why I downvoted it.
Well, you were at least trying to be NICE about it. I appreciate the honesty. Ok, I'll admit, this story isn't really all it could be. But I do have something new in the mix that I HOPE will get a better reception. Less sex, more story. I'll see about continuing this when I have time, but until then, the new story will be my main focus.
4575888
Are you referring to:
4575628 ?
In which case, he/she wasn't being rude, just a harsh critic. Like critics should be. Because when you're harsh, it tends to get the point across better.
Also, use the reply button so we know when you reply to one of us.
4575888
You do know there's a reply button, right?
Anywho, that was intended to be harsh. However if you look closely I did give you advice. Riiiiiiiight here:
Just had to look closely and it's right there in plain sight, amongst the brutal honesty and what not.
4576261
Not to rain on your parade, but may I be frank, the people here have a history of liking bad stories, so... doesn't really help your case when people who like your story are incapable of telling what a good story is. Also, there is also such thing as people just 'liking' it for clop, regardless if the story is good or not. To be honest, your clop was, at best, meh tier. Kinda hard to like the clop when it's riddled with grammatical, punctuation and capitalization errors. Oh and one last thing:
Are you really saying that when your like to dislike ratio is 9:17 (and one of em ain't from me)?
~
Oh, and you say you want constructive criticism? Okay then; coming right up.
4576796
That comment... was tame. Both mine and Leaping's. You don't ask for constructive criticism and then complain when it's got some fucking cuss words in it and some insults. In fact now Leaping, I'm fairly certain, is planning to RR this story. You have literally shot yourself in the damn foot already.
>>KaBarr41
I get what your saying. I'm just pointing out he/she could've been nicer about it. I mean this IS my first story after all. It's not like I'm gonna have it mastered overnight.
4576829
First story isn't an excuse. My first story was an "ok" story.
Seriously, it's not an excuse.
4576829
I could have been nicer, but dealing with a cartload and a half of writers like you tends to make a person callous. Also, don't you dare use that age old excuse. First story or not, that does not give you the excuse to write like a freaking 4th grader. My autistic 9 year old sister has better grammar and punctuation that you do. Also, no I don't expect you to master good story telling overnight, however you shouldn't be writing and posting stories overnight. Never, and I repeat, NEVER post something "fresh off the keyboard". Why? Because it WILL be riddled with errors. Is it that hard to take at least 30 min to go over what you have written and check for punctuation and grammatical errors?
Also, press the mother fu-
-ing reply button. Don't type it out like a dolt.
4576829
So I found this story. I will give you the least biased review I can, how about that?
You know what? fine, I'm calling it quits on this story. It's obviously not worh continuing at this rate. If my second story falls flat, then you can just forget I ever tried writing and leave it at that.
And an FYI, I tried it that way, but fine, ill try it again.
4576870
unless its supposed to show just numbers on my end when it does this, somethings up.
4576906
It's supposed to do that
Also, don't quit. Recall, we're here to help. We're just more blunt about it. I suggest taking SomeBadAuthor's offer. She's pretty neutral when it comes to reviews.
4576916
Well excuse me. How was I supposed to know?
4576882
I'd welcome it, shoot.
4576794 people have a history of liking bad things period.....
lots of things could be a worthwhile story , you just have to make it such , as of right now this looks like the typical intro to a short 1 off clop fic , which isn't what i would put in the category of a worthwhile story.....
i don't think i've seen grade a clop material yet , maybe i have , but this is a far cry from that.....
although i do have a mind to start writing another clop fic , but i would likely need a proofreader of some kind , and seeing as how you were talking about being super nerves when writing clop , perhaps we could benefit from helping each other in some regards.....
4576968
I certainly wouldn't object.
4577004 great , now i just need time to devote to writing clop , perhaps after i have time to get those 3k clop images sorted.....perhaps......
4576928
As a heads up, this review is almost as long as your story. Get a cup of tea or snack or whatever.
The tl;dr is: there are a number of editor, proofreader, and pre-reader groups on this site, and I would recommend working with someone from one of them to improve your story. You would also gain a lot by studying FiMFiction's basic writing manual, as well.
Anyway, here goes. Starting with the story description:
Okay, it's the "story about writer's block" cliche. That's... not a good sign. I hope this cliche is subverted or played in an interesting way, which sometimes happens and makes everything okay.
This first paragraph sums up a lot of the errors you continue to make throughout the story. Most of them are easy fixes:
-Punctuation errors all over the place. All of the contractions you use here require apostrophes, including the somewhat-improper word "that'd." There aren't commas where there should be commas, your use of the ellipsis ( "..." ) is both improper and would be better off as a comma or dash in every instance, and you even use an apostrophe instead of a quotation mark where the latter is needed.
-Capitalization problems. You didn't capitalize "Twilight," even though it's a proper noun (when it refers to Twilight Sparkle) and should be capitalized. Additionally:
Properly speaking, this is one sentence, not two. Ellipsis denotes a pause (or occasionally, at the end of a dialogue section, trailing off), not a full stop (often similar to a comma), so "no" should not be capitalized.
-The introductory paragraph (and on this site, the story description) needs to grab the reader's attention. Otherwise, most people aren't going to read on. Unfortunately, there isn't really anything that sticks out at me and grabs my attention in the first four or so paragraphs.
Not a promising start, but I'll keep reading anyway because I said I would. I'll try to avoid bringing up the same issues over and over, but these few are prevalent throughout the story, so when looking for such problems to stamp out, you shouldn't stop here.
Moving on, I've also found a few wrong-homophone errors, for example:
In this instance, "your" should be "you're." Best keep an eye out for this sort of thing; especially if you tend to subvocalize, this is a very easy mistake to make.
You also make a few typos, such as "particualr." Easy enough to correct.
Minor problem #1284:
Actually, when one uses numbers in a story, one generally writes them out the long way - especially if it's relatively simple to do so. In this case, it's best to go with "a thousand," "one thousand," or so on.
In a similar vein, it's improper to use ALL CAPS for emphasis, shouting, or other such uses - in a story, it's better to use italics, and use them sparingly (so that an overabundance doesn't desensitize the reader by the time you really want to call attention to something).
As a final note on basic errors, there is always a space between sentences.
It's not all bad, though. For example, your spelling is great, for the most part, and you separate your paragraphs properly - the story isn't just a massive block of text.
That's it for the more basic stuff. Moving on, now, to a look at the story - the plot, the pacing, continuity, etc. Unfortunately, there's a lot here that could use some sprucing-up as well.
Let's start with the basics of your plot. The narrator, who is a clear self-insert, is frustrated with his writing and wants to go to Equestria and bang ponies. He goes to sleep, meets Princess Luna in his dream, and with very little discussion, they go straight to her bedroom to have sex. They are interrupted by Celestia, who just wants to join the fun. Fetish fuel ensues (threesome, incest, transformation), then the narrator wakes up and writes down what happens as not just any story, but this story.
I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I'll just tackle the points as they come:
Self-insertion: It's a bad cliche, and in this story, it very quickly leads into wish-fulfillment. Wish-fulfillment tends to cause a writer to ignore crucial story elements, and this case is not an exception.
More on that later, but really, it's best to have a protagonist who is not representative of yourself - that way, you may give him or her some actual challenges and narrative tension. You will be forced to think about how the character thinks and acts, and in the process, you'll naturally find yourself showing the reader more of how the character thinks and acts. This is a very good thing that makes for better storytelling.
Cliched premises: I've already explained how a story about writer's block is a pretty lame cliche, so I'll spare you the repetition of elaborating on that point. However, I'll add that "human goes to Equestria just like he always wanted, and has sex with a princess/the princesses/the mane six/the cutie mark crusaders/other waifu just like he always wanted" is another cliche that almost always leads to wish-fulfillment (as it does explicitly in this case), which I've already mentioned (under self-insertion) leads directly to bad writing. It's not just tired and overused, it actually lends itself to poor storytelling.
Wish-fulfillment: I... don't really need to mention this again, do I? It's detrimental to the story, and in this case, it's explicitly stated: the self-insert narrator actually lays out his wishes, and they get fulfilled immediately. There's nothing more to it.
Rushed pacing: Everything happens too quickly. Everything leads directly into something new, and it just never stops for a slower-paced break or conversation - it's action-action-action-action-action and it doesn't let up (I'm all too familiar with this problem, myself). This has a number of bad effects, including causing many readers to skim as a way of keeping up with the perceived speed, which causes them to lose much of the detail.
Lacking detail or nuance: There's just nothing subtle about this story. This is especially bad in a clopfic that has a strong focus on the acts of sex. If you're going to write that way, you need to write about the physical sensations. So, tell me how it feels. Show what it feels like to have your hand (or forearm, apparently) up Princess Luna's ass (also, use lube or that shit's going to hurt! Unless she's basically a giant compared to you, in which case that should be mentioned). Let me feel (despite that I'm not a guy) what I presume is a raging boner straining against the protagonist's pants while he's starting to get it on with his dream mare. Let me see and hear Luna's reactions to all that sexual touching - the squirming, the moaning, the little abdominal twitches, and when she has an orgasm, show me how you can tell. I don't mean "Her pussy starts leaking profusely. She rolld onto her back, squirming and moaning in ecstasy." or ""i-i can tell!' she shouts as she hits her first orgasm. Her juices soaking any and everthing in reach."
Basically, if you're going to write a clopfic, you need to make your readers feel the kind of sensuality the story is based on.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to be a little more realistic - no woman literally cums buckets of "juices" or soaks everything nearby. If there's more than a little bit when you haven't been at it very long (and this goes back to pacing as well), it's probably got a lot of urine mixed in, as in several more times urine than anything else.
Additionally, penetrating the cervix fucking hurts and can cause permanent reproductive damage. Don't.
Back to detail, though; tell me a little about what the process of being turned into a cock feels like. There are a lot of TF fics on the site you could draw on for supplementary ideas. Once that's done, tell me what Luna's mouth feels like when your body is a cock, what her pussy feels like when your body is a cock, and so on. All you have is "it felt great/was heavenly/etc." Maybe search some of the better and higher-rated clopfics for an idea about a good amount of detail to go into.
Obviously, the lack of detail applies to practically anything - not just the sex scene. But I'm starting to digress.
And while I'm on the topic of detail, thank you for at least not using the words "marehood," "manhood," or similar sillinesses.
Characterization issues: Luna and Celestia seem to exist for nothing more than the narrator's pleasure. They don't have any personality or concerns that don't relate to getting him in the sack and giving him exactly what he wants. When she finds out he's interested, Luna takes Narrator to bed and orders him to do her with no further discussion, flirting, or even foreplay. If she knew him before, maybe had a crush on him, that's one thing, but it needs to be shown. As it is, the other characters basically function as sex toys for the narrator. Let them be personalities, let them have their own reasons for wanting sex, let them talk about what they want. Play the characters off of each other; if it's just a case of "guy meets gal, they fuck," there needs to be chemistry that brings them together very quickly.
Fetish fuel: This actually isn't a problem. Unfortunately, while I'm mature enough to understand (and I'm usually the last person to call myself mature) that "this is not my fetish" doesn't mean "this fetish is not okay" - for example, I'm not into incest or this particular kind of transformation at all - there will be people who will see a fetish they don't like and immediately downvote and/or rant against it in the comments.
This is just something to be aware of, not something you should change. If you have a fetish, and it's a) legal and b) permissible to post on this site, by all means, explore it.
That ending: "It was all a dream," or in this case, "was it all a dream?" is one of the worst cliches you could possibly have ended this with. Please, please, please come up with something else. Practically anything else would be better. It's only clever when subverted, such as when Neo wakes up from having a tracking bug planted in his body - only to find out it's not a dream - very early in the movie. Note, this was not the ending.
Also, "and then I wrote this story" is another pretty tired cliche. It's not as bad, and I'm getting tired, so I'm going to wrap things up.
This story could use an overhaul, and the eyes of at least one or two proofers/editors/whoever. You could also benefit in all your writing from the guide I linked at the top, and from some brief research on sexuality and female sexual anatomy.
I hope this helps.
Ok, I get it already. I've still got a long way to go. This whole story was just a bad idea from the beginning. Until further notice, this story is on hiatus. I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.
4580171
... but that's the opposite of my advice.
What I suggested was a) reading a writing manual that is helpful, and b) working with editors to improve. It's how you get better. It's how I got better. My first attempts at fiction were laughable. This is actually better.
4582200
No no, thats not what i meant. i just need to take a break from it right now. i havent given up on it entirely, if i had, the story woukdnt even be on here anymore. once i get better, ill come back to it.
4583214
I respect that you may need to take a break for your own sake, especially after receiving some pretty sharp criticism. Do that, if you need to do it. I do want to point out, though:
You get better in two ways: writing regularly, and listening to feedback. Maybe you can even take a break by working on some other story. I do that a lot. Considering what my early stories (which aren't on this site) were like (hint: they make this look like college-level writing), I think you have potential.
Edit for emoticon placement.
well, i do have somethng new almost ready. based off an oc character i created for an mlp rp. its kinda a joint effort between me and another rper. im still waiting for his final runthrogh before posting it. hopefully itll help salvage what reputation i have left here. if not, at least i gave it my best effort.
the odd thing is i can't prove this story is not real
well, i thank you for saying so, that was actually supposed to be the intent. I wanted to try and make it feel like it ccouldve really happened, but i guess it didnt turn out as well as i had hoped.
if anyone is really waiting for me to continue this, i promise if 'the saga of mystical night' continues to go well, ill come back and try to make this story better. and i havent forgotten your request lunalover. after a few edits to the first 2 chapters, ill get right on it.
4668005
Sweet.
By the way, take some time on the clop and make sure it's long. I just feel like 2,000 words is enough clop.
Also put some detail into the cock transformation. What is the process like? What happens to Shawn's body during the transformation? Remember, details are important.
Ok, considering how well my other stories are going, i just want to ask: how many if any think this story is remotely salvageable? if enough really think it is, im willing to give it a try. if not, ill just put a capper on this and call it a day.
if you hate it because of the fetish please f*** off
5214170
well, in the critics defense, it couldve been better. but now you kinda see what i mean by taking a hit to your confidence, lavawolf, you shouldnt let failre turn youoff to writing altogether.
5214525 anyway I am still waiting for cerluean swirl to eidt my story so far
5214703
i look forward to seeing the story.
5214900 never mind goodbye. Screw this story it didn't look like a clop till now
You deserve to be in the wheetabix teir!