- Member Since 1st Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 24th, 2023
BronzeUnicorn
Just a pony loving guy that likes to write fanfiction.
BronzeUnicorn
Joined 1st Feb, 2014 ·
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Why does this have so many negative votes? I get if you don't like something you don't like it but jeez...
Whatever. Just letting you know that at least one person wants to see more out of this. Not my favorite genre or situation, but it was still enough to get me curious.
> > ulquiorra1
Thanks. I actually used a cover image too. I'll see about the next chapter.
Oh, we're doing THIS, are we?
4537449
Would it kill you to say something that wasn't along the lines of "KEK PLAN 9" for once? You're basically just doing "CHOO CHOO" like what had to be banned in the TWE before it got banned.
Try for five seconds to type something actually related to the fucking story instead.
Like I'm about to do.
Why this isn't good:
-Generic plot
-Why in god's name would you torture me with all italics. This seriously looks awful and is hard to read when there's this much in italics.
-Actually I can't really comment anymore on the story because I can't focus on the words very well since they're all in italics. Save the italics for thoughts and occasional emphasis.
4537636
Yeah, whatever. Nice way to save your ass but it's still not fucking related. My challenge stands.
4537661
-the FAQ
*sees downvotes.
*sees deleted comments.
*sees a "why does this have negs" post.
*just leaves.
4537702
Tag your name? For what? To save later? Boy if only there was a list of some kind... Like, called... "Read Later"...
that would solve everything
4537711 Well, this never goes anywhere fast, except maybe downhill.
*slaps hand away from nearby popcorn bowl.
4537717 Oh my god! I ran out of viable insults, so I'll insult you on your videogame preferences instead! I bet you like Playstation too you warmongering fascist democrat communist bastard!
4537747 PC master race? I do not accept the advances of the Steam age! I will fight for my lesser choices! Change is for people who can think for themselves, and I'M NOT THAT PERSON!
'MURICA
4537734
Also nobody but you cares where you've been and the same could easily be accomplished by being fucking relevant to the story, which would also mean that you won't get people like me bitching at you for shitposting.
4537773 ...Why did you do this to me? I just can't... stop refreshing! Oh, God this is like morbid humor in counter form!
Looks like the only thing Sequestration did was prevent military kids their celebrations. Our government should feel proud that lonely children got to focus on their missing parent last Christmas because of them!
4537811 I'm not really "in the know" on our current national spending habits, but I have an uncomfortable sinking feeling that that might actually be more productive than what we are throwing our money at currently.
4537844
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2013/251/3/c/welcome_to_the_internet_by_chibishadow8-d6lkfaf.png
Home of the most random shit possible. If you don't like it, come back in three minutes! It'll have changed drastically by then.
Wow... I come on here to see 31 new comments... just wow... And forgive me for writing in italics, I thought it would look good, but now I see it doesn't...
4539772 Also, thanks for deleting my comment.... ya jackass.
>>Beelzeboss
Its one thing to criticize, but its completely another to post something rude like that. So, forgive me if I don't find what you put as any kind of criticism.
4540105 See, this is why you KEEP COMMENTS LIKE THAT. You can't prove that Beelzeboss's comment was devoid of criticism because it's gone now. You'd have had a case otherwise, but when LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE sees more than one deleted comment on a story, especially three out of the first FIVE, it makes you look like you can't stand people saying that your story isn't good.
4541215
Ok. That makes sense. I won't delete anymore.
4537717
4537702
You kids and your damned Skyrim. Wasn't even the second best of the Elder Scrolls games.
Also, there's another commander on this site? Damn. I thought I had no equal.
4537770
Commissar, eat a snickers. Yes, DE_K is being a DI_K by just place marking with comments, but it's not worth getting in a fuss over.
4540105
I love how you said your open to criticism, because that now gives me full reign to crucify this story in my usual fashion.
Let's start with grammar. You need to be refreshed on what a verb tense is. More specifically, past and present tense. Some times you will use verbs like "seemed" that give the story a past tense perspective, but not even a few words later you'll use a word like "surrounds" which implies currently happening in the present tense. Neither of these styles are inherently flawed, but you have to maintain consistency that the story is either taking place in past or present tense.
In addition, you are doing very little to actually describe anything. While you do tell the story, writing isn't about telling. It's about showing. Instead of saying:
You could flesh it out like:
See the difference in how the details of the second excerpt get the same message across but paint a picture? Your audience doesn't want you to just say "There are trees around me." They want you to describe how the character is experiencing the trees.
The final problem, and the reason this story so far has failed at its core, is that there is nothing unique about this story. I'm not just trying to be a jerk, here either. I am just saying that there is no idea, motif, or theme in this story that I haven't seen in a dozen other. HiE soldier fics that ponify the protagonist.
I think the best advice would be to (A) try to mix up your writing flow a bit so that you aren't just telling and are creating a mental image for the audience and (B) try to make this story have something unique about it. All good stories have something in them that separates them from the crowd of whatever other stories populate their genres. Likewise, you need to find an idea that makes this pop and stand out above the others in the HiE genre.
4575479
You realize this means war... There can only be one!
>>Commander Fowler
Thank you for the advice. I've never really been good at being descriptive. I simply don't want to be. It strikes me as a bit too vivid. I just want a good enough description to set the scene and relay how the character is feeling. I was just trying that genre to see if I could pull it off, but I can see that I should stick to the one I'm on now. Again, thanks for the advice and I'll do my best to improve.
4575424
Snickers suck cuz they got nuts in em
4575504
Nay. I will defeat you in single combat. For Aincrad!
4575515
If you say so mate. No offense, but from experience I'm telling you, if you do want to get good reception to your story, like you said you were frustrated about in that one post, then this is how you remedy that. That said, I do appreciate you being civil and not fighting me on my opinion. I'm usually used to responses like, "Dumbass. You're just being a fucking troll. Why do you have to be such a hater?" so you being an adult about this is a breath of fresh air. Thanks.
4575645
You know what else has nu- Nope. Not doing it. The joke is too obvious.
4575735
Of course. I try to be as civil as possible before dropping to insults. Like I said, I'll try my best to improve in future stories.
4575768
Shit just got real.
4575776
Good to hear. Hope to see you around more on the site.
4575801
I will never surrender, so long as the heart of a college age white boy beats within me. <Draws Halberd>
4575862
Gaaaah!
<Bleeding out>
With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg. Bleh.
<Dead>
4575914
Well played, Commander. Perhaps we shall meet on the battlefield again when I am resurrected.