• Member Since 31st Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen January 6th

BronzeUnicorn


Just a pony loving guy that likes to write fanfiction.

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Comments ( 5 )

Hm, not really my type of shipfic, I prefer long emotional buildups, not sudden moments where characters fall in love. But it's not fair to downvote something because it's not my style, so I'm neither downvoting or upvoting it. You did pretty well, though.

... You get an "eh" out of ten. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. There wasn't any real buildup, other than the massage that was waaaaaaaaay too sensual for "just friends", which at that point they were. Twilight is not that kind of character. I doubt highly she'd dive right into it. It'd be more suited to her if she was constantly checking and double checking to make sure that Dash was okay with it. Every time Dash tensed at all, like she would with the pain, Twilight would stop and make sure she was okay.

Oh, and a minor gripe that I'm sick of seeing used over and over again.

THAT IS NOT HOW LIGHTNING WORKS. IT LOOKS FOR THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE TO THE GROUND. IF DASH WASN'T TOUCHING THE GROUND, IT WOULD BE POINTLESS TO GO THROUGH HER.

Sorry, I see a lot of stories that have Rainbow get struck like that and it just drives me nuts. It wouldn't waist the energy required the pass through her body if it would only lead it to having to travel through the air again. It would just go straight through the air, right past her. But I'm willing to look over that kind of thing.

The idea that Dash had a crush of Twi came out of absolutely nowhere, and felt lie it was added because you didn't want to write in Rainbow realizing the feelings. Had it been mentioned sooner, like when she first discovered she was at Twilight's house, it's feel much more natural. Oh, and that's another thing. They have pretty much no verbal interaction. How much does Rainbow actually say to Twilight? A couple lines? If I woke up randomly in my friend's house, who was crying, I'd have a couple questions. Instead, Rainbow lays there and get the massage, which was admittedly well written if a bit sudden.

Totally not a fan of this pairing but I have to say, it was quite adorable in its entirety.
It's a bit short, but you can't ask for much from a one shot besides being short and sweet.
With as much bias out of the way as possible I give it a 6.7/10
Not the best but far from bad.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I appreciate it and it helps me to improve on my skills. I will probably do a revision of this later on. Anyway, thanks again.

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