• Member Since 31st Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen January 6th

BronzeUnicorn


Just a pony loving guy that likes to write fanfiction.

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White mark has been on his own for as long as he could remember. There wasn't a pony in Equestria that had cared for him at all. His parents abandoned him when he was old enough to work, he had always been bullied since he was little, and he never really had a home to call home. But, little did he know, all this was about to change.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 36 )

Well i don´t like the characters to be to weak but he had a well reason and i think this was a good first chapter. (Maybe i am not that good with my explanations, because i speak normaly german)

How old is he? Colts and fillys are the kids right? and Stallions and Mares are the grown ups correct? i always make a mistake when it comes to the word Colt.

This looks like a story i could like a lot.
If he gets adopted it would be only better for me.
And i think i find out how old he has to be :)

It is always good to read, but i think you have to be carefull, to make him not to brave, i try to say, that he should be a little bit longer affraid of some things.
Maybe you have this in mind already, but i want to suggest, that he probably should be wary in some things.

>>Texus

I was planning to just let him get used to other ponies. He acts shy because he hasn't really talked to anyone in a while, so he just needs some time. Thanks for the suggestion, though. :)

4304361
I am in agreement with you. He had a good enough reason to be stricken with such emotional and physical weakness.
Colts and fillies are indeed the young while stallions and mares are the adults.

(Not bad English for normally speaking German :moustache:)

"I found him in the alleyway in between Allie Way's and Pokey Pierce's houses."
Allie Way's <-- That made me laugh so hard and I don't know why :rainbowlaugh:

Coming along great, a few typos and words I think you forgot to delete but you do write these late so it's understandable.
I do agree with Texus in the fact that you should keep him a bit weary when being approached with different situations.

Keep it up though!

4310150
4319745
Nice Pony version of the Arrancar (your Avatar), and thank you maybe i get used to some english things.
I think you bring it to the point what i mean:coolphoto:

Stupid question: Does the colt have a heartbeat or not? I think it'd explain why his parents abandoned him.

Edit: Okay, not the reason...

it´s very nice to have a new chapter again, even after some time. But i think i have to read it all over to remember every part of the story, even the little parts.

I hope you make this a long story, i think it happend not that much till now, but this is one of the storys i am happy with if there is a new chapter well i like the fanfic. I just hope this goes a bit longer or maybe there is a possible Sequel later, i just hope this doesn´t stop the moment their are a real family.

i like it very much, sadly you make mean cliffhanger here:pinkiehappy::heart:

What i like here, is that White Mark has his special Problem and that Pinkies forced Partys don´t be good all the time, well at least for the moment.
I like Pinkie Pie, but that´s something new and i like it. I like White Mark as an OC, that he is a bit affraid of some thing, maybe shy and well he don´t like to be the center of a party or something like that, i doesn´t want the whole attention for me either.

I think he would have his romance with one of the Cutiemark Crussaiders. I like parings with a cute and caring Scootaloo, but i would like a sweet and shy Applebloom as his marefriend too. I think you decide it allredy, i just try to ask for one of the CC´s , becacuse i read a shipping with Scootaloo allready.

If i get it right, he even doesn´t know that Twilight maybe is his mother now right?
To be true i something like this was saying already i have may forgett it, but i think no one said something like this.
PS: I say it now even in early state of this story, i would like a sequel after that if they are happy and maybe he went to school with the Cutiemark Crussaiders.
I think he was a Pegasus right? Hmmmm maybe i would like it if Applebloom started to like him or Sweetiebell maybe, somehow i think they both could be sweet if they try to get the unaware Colt on their side.:pinkiehappy: So maybe a filly colt romance sequel, you have nothing to promiss, just think about it:twilightsmile:

4584477
I'll be honest, I was going to put White Mark in a pairing with one of the crusaders. I'm not sure which one, but it'll happen. I have a lot planned for this story, so it'll be decently long. By the way, thank you for your continued support!

oh this is gonna be good.. i wonder how long twilight is gonna put them on the moon for?

Now i gonna start thinking about possible mare´s or stallions for her.
Derpy and Dinky with Twilight
Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo with Twilight, both of them are somehow adopted or not yet, but that could change:pinkiehappy::heart:

Applejack and Applebloom with Twilight
Rarity and Sweetibell wih Twilight, not my favorite but i think she could be sweet to, i mean she don´t have to be to err (don´t have the right word now, but it´s her personality like in the most fanfictions. They often show her only being cared about one thing......yes i think that is what i mean.)

Button and Buttons Mom with Twilight maybe.:heart:, more because White Mark would have another awesome Mom and well i think Button is no rude one.
However which one you choose mare or stallion is not very importand that are just ideas. And i think i prefer Twilight to be the one who would be the stronger one, (i don´t know how to say it but i think the stallion whould have to kind of do what she say.) If Pinkie would looking for a Stallion, i think i would like it more if the Stallion would care for Pinkie and keep her safe to say so. (I struggle with my words a bit, but i think i said what i want to say).

I think the story deserved more attention. Maybe it is not filled with adventures and such things, but for me it is really nice to read if i want to relax a bit.:yay:

4578616
I second the shipping between White Mark and Scootaloo lol
I don't have shippings for Scootaloo yet and this would be awesome :scootangel:
Anyway, doing awesome so far with the revised story! I've got to start getting back into my writing soon. Too many ideas are piling up... :applejackunsure:
Well, on to the next chapter.

4594498 Well it is the same by me i think, i just read to much and don´t get my first chapter for my first fanfic done. Well i have maybe a short/middle long chapter of some kind of Pokemon/crossover allready, but actually i only wanted to use Riolu for a slice of life aoption story, maybe adventure too, this is somehow the story where i planned the most. Then i wanted to start something with Carrot Top, adoption too, but the story should go a different way. Again slice of Life /romance story this time. And now i want to start something with Changelings, Adventure maybe comey i can get funny enough :pinkiehappy:

But i have exam soon and other things i want to to at the time, so i only can write at the free weekends most of the time. actually i only want to say to many ideas, i just have to decide whic story got my priority, it would be even my first project.

I know that maybe doesn´t belongs here so sorry, just feeled like it.:scootangel:

4594590
Well good luck with sorting out your story and I hope you get to writing it soon :D
For deciding on genre you just need to write and see what happens. That's how I write anyway :derpytongue2: When I get inspired I just wing every chapter until I get on track with one idea. I just stick to the romance genre because it's what I'm good at. :twilightblush:
When you plan things out too much, it can make you feel like you are obligated to write exactly what you put down and can in turn make you not want to write anymore.

Again, that's just how I feel. I'm not a professional or anything... :applejackunsure:

I get what you mean with your priorities and only being able to write on weekends, I write late at night whenever I can get motivated enough.

If this would also be your first project, then the best advice I can give would be to be proud of your work and put some emotion into it. If it means something to you in the smallest, then you will want to write more for the community. :twilightsmile:

and sorry Bronze for cluttering up your comment section with unrelated chatting. :moustache:
Loving the story! It's really going somewhere.

4594984
No problem! I agree with your advice. I've already put some emotion into this story and more is to come. That's how I'm sticking with it. Thank for the support!

By the gods......holy fucking shit, :flutterrage:Diamond Tiara:flutterrage: There is personal cage awaiting you in Tartarus:trollestia:

Diamond Tiara. Tartarus is waiting for you. |:-[

This is probably the worst Version of Diamond Tiara i ever read, but its good and ohhh if i think about her just getting a few bad words from her father and then being send to bed..... :twilightangry2:
Please make her i don´t know, three weeks of Nightmares from Luna personally.

Maybe i just be unable to see bad things, but i really like your story, i just say it so often because it´s true:heart:

well something about this is nice, but i hope this is not the real story, it would feel really to rushed and well weird with the previous chapter and now this.
Maybe you could try to more with Applebloom and Scootaloo and maybe look which pairing the others like the most.
Well not bad, but i would like if this isn´t the real story and you show us how they start to like each other. I am really sure special is jsut special and befor i repeat myself good Work and keep it on.:pinkiehappy:

4640786
This isn't a real chapter. Its just to show the possible pairings in future chapters. No worries. :twilightsmile:

Talk about a twist

hmmm he a monster hmmmm well i think the idea is ok, just be sure that he isn´t the one, that maybe killed a mighty enemy in the end. I like it, but i think it wouldn´t be to good, if he managed to kille a powerfull enemy, because he is young i think he should be not able to kill to strong enemys, even in his possible Monster form. I just say it because i think it would look better if you not make him to strong, maybe he can defend himself a bit, that would really explain how he survived, but i just prefer it if he don´t get to mighty.

There is nothing wrong with it now, i just want to make sure that it don´t take the in my eyes wrong way. In another Story i read at the moment, there was never a battle and in the end one little Colt, get Super Powers, migthy enough to possible destory a whole planet and in the other one, the same with no fights and in the end the Dragon becomes an armored mega powerfull, migthy holy and power power power Dragon.

long story short, i think it would be better, more real even for MLP if you maybe get a reason for a too strong Colt or just make him not to strong. I think that his parrents were Monsters like, then he was born and i would say this way he have to gain the original Power he should have, not that he is able to get his full power right now.


I really like your story,:heart::heart::heart: thats the only reason i try to explain to you what i fear could happen because it happen already in other fanfics and well, i really don´t prefer it that way.

I would like if they make Twilight his official Mother after this :) And i hope maybe this get really long story or you want to give us a romane sequel. To be true i just want some mother son moments.:pinkiehappy:

naaah i am not happy that they have it exactly that hard with what could happen, but i would think that even if it is Discord which probably have the decision over his creations, he was borned if i remember it right correct? So i would say the Princess could say he has nothing to say to this or not to much at least, because he wasn´t exacty created, he is regular borned. So he is a livin Creature and not exactly from Discord that way correct?
I don´t try to block the logic you story maybe used to go through that little event here, i just wanted to say it.


I really like the story and maybe i asked it already, but i would like it if the story is a really long one, or at least that you make maybe a sequel with him going to school, having a little romance with the Cutiemark Crussaiders .....i would like Silverspoon to, i mean, that way Silver have to go at least in this chase against Diamond and she have to tell her to let White Mark alone. (Sorry if it maybe don´t make much sense, sometimes i just write and don´t look for the best words (you know German-English) )

What i mean at least is, the story is a good one i like it, but if it is supposed to have always a bad side without a real moment of happyness, then i would like a sequel. I don´t want a to large time skip but maybe i even would like it if you make him something like your main Char.
A sequel for his school days, then maybe a teenage sequel :)

Actually i just want a story where he goes to school, not only to school but i want him to have a good time. I have nothing against a bit action (adventure) in the suggested sequel, but i just want him to be a bit more happy.

PS: I want Rainbow Dash and Maybe Pinkie or so seeing him and Twilight and just laughing (Rainbow), :pinkiehappy:(Pinkie) Had he a playtime with the Cutiemark Crussaiders allready?

5946968 great story but needs update

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