• Member Since 11th May, 2014
  • offline last seen May 21st, 2015

Endless Madness


Keep your filthy original fics away from me, you casual.

Comments ( 41 )

You have an interesting premise, but what you are lacking is detail. The chapters are all under a thousand words and that is basically a big no-no for a FOE fic. That doesn't mean you have to make them a hundred pages (which I've actually read some that long. Talk about mind numbing :facehoof:), but you need to make them long enough so we have an idea of what the world is and who the characters are so we can get that connection.

For Kkat, her chapter introducing Little Pip was about nine pages. It gave us a good idea about the character, her starting innocence and insecurities and whatnot. Then, as the story progressed, we could see the contrast between Old Pip and New Pip. Since you are having three characters, I think what you need to do is have the three introduction chapters a lot longer. For example:
Intro 1 (Fizzy Pop): Show Fizzy Pop fixing a vending machine and then have her have a talk with her parents and friends about how exciting it is that the Stable is opening. You don't need to get into too much detail about the Stable life, but just enough so that we have an idea of the kind of life she lived and so that way we can feel her sorrow and fear when it is taken away by the raiders that are waiting for them for inexplicable reasons.
Intro 2 (Dirt): Show Dirt going to the stripclub, getting plastered and maybe getting a sexy lap dance from Daisy Petal. :raritywink: Then you can have him get mugged and wake up pissed off. Like with Fizzy, you don't need to dump everything you can about Dirt in that one chapter, but you need to give us enough so we can see the kind of pony he is and the type of world he lives in.
Intro 3 (Night Shade): With her, I like how you started out with her on the run. It made for an intro that could have been more exciting if you gave more detail. Combat is a very stressful situation, and we need to feel that in that words. We need to hear the lasers, feel her panic (or attempts to remain calm) as she fights her former allies. We need to hear and feel the wind rush past her when she torpedoes herself down and we need to be able to visualize the ruins she seeks shelter in and the stench of death when she burns holes into heads with her laser.

Overall, you need to get into the minds of your characters and show us what the world is to them. And you can do that a whole lot better with a chapters that are way longer than a thousand words. You give this story details and it can go far, but if not, it will get bogged down with negative votes and comments.

-JB

4511890 Thank you. That was very informative. :facehoof:

4512484 Thank you for the feedback! I shall take your advice to heart and begin revising the chapters. Your comment was very helpful, which gives me a much better perspective on my writing.
Not only that, but feedback implies that this story is salvageable. Whether that's true or not, we shall see when I'm done editing chapters 1-5.

4512871 Some of the things I would avoid is on-the-nose dialogue and unnatural speech. If you read it aloud to yourself and it sounds weird, chances are it will sound weird to the readers, too. Also, you don't have to say outright what your character is (vending repair, soldier, unlucky sucker). You should trust that your readers will be able to figure out who they are by implying these things and showing what they do.

Anyway, that is all the extra advice my tired little mind can think of at the moment. If you need any help or want some more advice, feel free to note me, and good luck on your story. I'll be watching. :raritywink:

4513229 Right. You're referring to the "Show, don't tell" rule of writing. I've considered what you said. Chapter 1 is still a bit short, but I've nearly doubled chapters 2-3's length. It adds more detail and such. I'll work on chapter 4 next, but I feel that chapter 5 might not need such heavy revision. Thank you again for being so helpful.

I havn't read the actual story yet, and since it appears you're revising it, I'll wait to do that deed.

The description is very nice, it got me hooked and it made me want to read the story.

Just a side note, 4511890 says very little on any fic. Pay close attention to him, hes actually a nice gauge to use. Just wait for the more in-depth reviewers to role around. Like Tetragramation or G-man64.

Also, building off of what 4512484 said, the chapters do need to be longer. Although he said 1,000, I would shoot for 1,500.

Another mistake you made. You released 6 chapters in the span of 2 days. That's a no-no, and take that from someone who's made the same mistake. If you've premade chapters, release them slowly. Readers will get used to whatever you put out, and if you quickfire a bunch of chapters, were going to expect to keep doing that. So when you have to stop and write a chapter, people are going to start asking questions.

All in all, I'm looking forward to reading this.

4515976
I don't review, I'm to nice to review, I look for the good and am not good at pointing out flaws, I tried to review once and failed.

No I'm mainly here to tell ideas I can't do on my own for one reason or another, put stories into the three core FoE groups, maybe give my two cents on an idea, fight off a troll, and occasionally pre-read.

I do a lot but don't review.

Although one thing I can say is if you have six six hundred word chapters, is there any reason they can't all just be one? People usually prefer fewer long chapters over more short ones.

And to the author, if nobody else has yet I'll gladly welcome you to our community, and wish you luck.

Just so you know, your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-man64! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions :twilightsmile:

Is Fizzy Pop's obsession with Sparkle Cola a reference to Tweek from Nuka Break?

So far this is a good story with an interesting premise. I'm interested to see where it will go from here. I also agree with what the other commenters said; the chapters need to be longer and more detailed.

Just got done reading the six chapters you put out and though short, I liked reading them. :twilightsmile: I don't know if you have revised the chapters yet but if you haven't I look forward to reading them. :heart: Also, you should put revised next to the chapter titles that you revised so people know to reread those chapters. Keep up the good work and have fun with it! :pinkiesmile:

4515976 I actually recommended way over a thousand. (Sorry if this comment seems nitpicky. :twilightsheepish:)

But, Endless Madness, you seem to be getting better. This chapter has more detail than the others, and so far Night is my favorite character, but it still needs more. FOE stories are known for their gritty, relentlessly brutal story telling and the Hell the characters are put through. That doesn't mean you have to do a Lord of the Rings-Project Horizons mash up, though. That would be going overboard.

I've actually been criticized for going overboard in gore and lacking in other details for my FOE tale, Exodus (and other stories of mine, as well). So, don't feel bad about the detail problem, everyone starts out with it and in cases like mine, still struggle with the balance. All you need is more practice and not be afraid to explore and push yourself. And possibly get an editor to help you make your world come alive.

I would actually recommend reading the original Fallout: Equestria (which you probably do), read as much FOE side stories that strike your fancy and whatever war stories you can get your hands on to really get the feel of post apocalyptic, brutal chaos, warfare gore fest storytelling. :pinkiecrazy:

You're on the right track. Just keep writing and pushing yourself. :raritywink:

4517318 Sort of. I watched Nuka Break, but it only occurred to me after I had written Fizzy's addiction that I had unintentionally referenced it.

4515976
4517516
4520636
Thank you all for the advice. Normally by now I would have become frustrated with myself with all the criticism, but you're all providing extremely helpful advice. I'm actually quite glad you're all posting such lengthy and detailed comments. With your help, I can make this story better than I ever dreamed I could.

4521144 This story has promise, and even though it is not as long as 99% of the FOE fics, I still find it entertaining. That is another reason why we want longer chapters. More entertainment! :twilightsmile:

Which reminds me. I have to read your revised chapters. :trixieshiftright:

This chapter is better after the revisions, and I loved that line about the flat soda! :rainbowlaugh:

But will you be explaining why the raiders were waiting for the Stable to open? Because that has me scratching my head, wondering what the heck that was about.

4521300 Well...
To be honest, I figured they were just camped there and happened to be around when they heard the Stable opening. I completely forgot to mention that in the chapter.
Now I must go back and edit again!

4521851 You don't have to edit it again. Maybe have Dirt explain the raiders and offer the camping out theory to Fizzy when/if she talks about how she ended up outside in the wasteland.

Oooh. Somebody's got a crush. :rainbowkiss:

Anyway, I like the chemistry between Fizzy and Dirt. I can see amusing moments between the two of them. Though, I got a strange feeling that someone might try to steal a PipBuck in a future chapter. :rainbowderp:

I like your story. It reminds me of "Fallout: Nuka Break" on youtube only with no ghouls or Caesar's Legion. :pinkiehappy:

The story is starting to get interesting. Also, I have the opposite problem; I always know how to end a chapter, but struggle with how to start it.

:pinkiesad2: poor Fizzy Pop.
I can't wait to read what Night Shade has bin up to. :twilightsmile:

Well, crap. Night Shade is just having some really bad luck, ain't she?

Just a technical point: in Fallout Equestria, stimpaks are replaced with healing potions.

I feel bad for Night Shade. :fluttershysad: If she would have been branded as a Dashite and lost her cutie mark then maybe they would have been nicer to her. It's not easy being a living reminder of a 200 year old broken promise of safety and prosperity. :pinkiesad2:

I hope she's going back for her armor or else she's not going to last long.:derpyderp2: Not that she can put it on right away but she's still going to need it bad.:derpytongue2:

4564244 I couldn't have said it better myself.

Well, Fizzy's beam of death was... random. I think I would have liked it better if she just shot the guy in the face, but it did pave way for a nice moment of Night Shade going Rambo on the others. (I'm so confused on how to feel, right now. :unsuresweetie:)

I think I would have liked this chapter a whole lot better if the shoot out scene was longer in general, actually, since they were dealing with eight guys. But, overall, the chapter was decent and I will wait patiently for the next one.

A little bit shorter than last time or it could be that not much happened in this chapter. It was an ok chapter but it just felt, short to me.:eeyup:
[Night Shade gulped]
Isn't she suppose to be a badass commando or something? Why would she be scared of dirt's' threat? I don't get it.:rainbowhuh: If I was her, I would have just rolled my eyes at him considering how easy it was to get the jump on him.:derpytongue2:

That was a great chapter. The whole scavenging part made for a good trust exercise for the group and when the building turned out to be a slaver base, that was a good twist. Nothing says bonding with your group like fighting for your life.:rainbowdetermined2:But then this happened...

[Fizzy's horn erupted in a shower of purple light, launching forth a supersonic beam]
Really, a supersonic beam? Why not a magic laser like the alicorns? That would be something a unicorn normally couldn't do. I know you can give your OC's any power you want but making weaponized sound with her horn, something that doesn't normally make noise without hitting it on something, just seems out of place and weird.:rainbowhuh:
You probably have your reasons for that particular power and I can't wait to see what you have planed for it but for now, it just seems weird.:rainbowhuh: I can see her getting lot of headaches from that, poor girl.:derpytongue2:

4572931 I made a bad choice in wording for that section. I was pretty tired when I wrote that. But trust me, there will be an explanation for what happened. Sort of.

4575188
I like your new cover pic.:rainbowdetermined2: Dirt looks ready to take on the world, Night Shade looks like she doesn't know why he has all the guns and Fizzy... She looks like she's eyeing up Night Shade? Is this a small hit of what's to come!:heart: If it is, I hope for Fizzy's sake that Night Shade is playing for the same team otherwise she's going to get crushed by her crush.:pinkiesad2:

Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read your next chapter. :rainbowdetermined2:

Nice, Night Shade finally has a laser weapon. Now all they need is to find some old half beaten barding for armor and the gang's all set.:twilightsmile: I wonder if the colt is going to join the group or maybe show them to others that are trying to get through Manehattan so they can go together. Odds are that he probable just lives there or something.
Awesome job with the chapter. I can't wait to read the next one.:heart:

To paraphrase Puppysmiles' Get Lost perk: Are you planning to stop changing cover art any time soon!?

Is Dust being nuked a reference to the season 1 finale of Nuka Break? Also, Night Shade is becoming more like Scar.

4613622 Quoth the magic conch, "Maybe some day."
4613686 And actually, no it isn't a reference. But I'm glad you're making comparisons. I wish my fic was half as good as that series.

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