- Member Since 11th May, 2014
- offline last seen May 21st, 2015
Endless Madness
Keep your filthy original fics away from me, you casual.
Endless Madness
Joined 11th May, 2014 ·
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needs work
4511890 Thank you. That was very informative.
4512484 Thank you for the feedback! I shall take your advice to heart and begin revising the chapters. Your comment was very helpful, which gives me a much better perspective on my writing.
Not only that, but feedback implies that this story is salvageable. Whether that's true or not, we shall see when I'm done editing chapters 1-5.
4513229 Right. You're referring to the "Show, don't tell" rule of writing. I've considered what you said. Chapter 1 is still a bit short, but I've nearly doubled chapters 2-3's length. It adds more detail and such. I'll work on chapter 4 next, but I feel that chapter 5 might not need such heavy revision. Thank you again for being so helpful.
I havn't read the actual story yet, and since it appears you're revising it, I'll wait to do that deed.
The description is very nice, it got me hooked and it made me want to read the story.
Just a side note, 4511890 says very little on any fic. Pay close attention to him, hes actually a nice gauge to use. Just wait for the more in-depth reviewers to role around. Like Tetragramation or G-man64.
Also, building off of what 4512484 said, the chapters do need to be longer. Although he said 1,000, I would shoot for 1,500.
Another mistake you made. You released 6 chapters in the span of 2 days. That's a no-no, and take that from someone who's made the same mistake. If you've premade chapters, release them slowly. Readers will get used to whatever you put out, and if you quickfire a bunch of chapters, were going to expect to keep doing that. So when you have to stop and write a chapter, people are going to start asking questions.
All in all, I'm looking forward to reading this.
4515976
I don't review, I'm to nice to review, I look for the good and am not good at pointing out flaws, I tried to review once and failed.
No I'm mainly here to tell ideas I can't do on my own for one reason or another, put stories into the three core FoE groups, maybe give my two cents on an idea, fight off a troll, and occasionally pre-read.
I do a lot but don't review.
Although one thing I can say is if you have six six hundred word chapters, is there any reason they can't all just be one? People usually prefer fewer long chapters over more short ones.
And to the author, if nobody else has yet I'll gladly welcome you to our community, and wish you luck.
Just so you know, your story was added to the Fallout Equestria Group by G-man64! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions
Is Fizzy Pop's obsession with Sparkle Cola a reference to Tweek from Nuka Break?
So far this is a good story with an interesting premise. I'm interested to see where it will go from here. I also agree with what the other commenters said; the chapters need to be longer and more detailed.
Just got done reading the six chapters you put out and though short, I liked reading them.
I don't know if you have revised the chapters yet but if you haven't I look forward to reading them. 
Also, you should put revised next to the chapter titles that you revised so people know to reread those chapters. Keep up the good work and have fun with it! 
4517318 Sort of. I watched Nuka Break, but it only occurred to me after I had written Fizzy's addiction that I had unintentionally referenced it.
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Thank you all for the advice. Normally by now I would have become frustrated with myself with all the criticism, but you're all providing extremely helpful advice. I'm actually quite glad you're all posting such lengthy and detailed comments. With your help, I can make this story better than I ever dreamed I could.
4521300 Well...
To be honest, I figured they were just camped there and happened to be around when they heard the Stable opening. I completely forgot to mention that in the chapter.
Now I must go back and edit again!
4522065 Brilliant! I shall do that.
I like your story. It reminds me of "Fallout: Nuka Break" on youtube only with no ghouls or Caesar's Legion.
The story is starting to get interesting. Also, I have the opposite problem; I always know how to end a chapter, but struggle with how to start it.
I can't wait to read what Night Shade has bin up to.
Just a technical point: in Fallout Equestria, stimpaks are replaced with healing potions.
4547747 Thanks. I'll change it.
I feel bad for Night Shade.
If she would have been branded as a Dashite and lost her cutie mark then maybe they would have been nicer to her. It's not easy being a living reminder of a 200 year old broken promise of safety and prosperity. 
I hope she's going back for her armor or else she's not going to last long.
Not that she can put it on right away but she's still going to need it bad.
4564244 I couldn't have said it better myself.
A little bit shorter than last time or it could be that not much happened in this chapter. It was an ok chapter but it just felt, short to me.
If I was her, I would have just rolled my eyes at him considering how easy it was to get the jump on him.
[Night Shade gulped]
Isn't she suppose to be a badass commando or something? Why would she be scared of dirt's' threat? I don't get it.
That was a great chapter. The whole scavenging part made for a good trust exercise for the group and when the building turned out to be a slaver base, that was a good twist. Nothing says bonding with your group like fighting for your life.
But then this happened...
[Fizzy's horn erupted in a shower of purple light, launching forth a supersonic beam]
I can see her getting lot of headaches from that, poor girl.
Really, a supersonic beam? Why not a magic laser like the alicorns? That would be something a unicorn normally couldn't do. I know you can give your OC's any power you want but making weaponized sound with her horn, something that doesn't normally make noise without hitting it on something, just seems out of place and weird.
You probably have your reasons for that particular power and I can't wait to see what you have planed for it but for now, it just seems weird.
4572931 I made a bad choice in wording for that section. I was pretty tired when I wrote that. But trust me, there will be an explanation for what happened. Sort of.
4575188
Dirt looks ready to take on the world, Night Shade looks like she doesn't know why he has all the guns and Fizzy... She looks like she's eyeing up Night Shade? Is this a small hit of what's to come!
If it is, I hope for Fizzy's sake that Night Shade is playing for the same team otherwise she's going to get crushed by her crush.
I like your new cover pic.
Keep up the good work! I can't wait to read your next chapter.
Nice, Night Shade finally has a laser weapon. Now all they need is to find some old half beaten barding for armor and the gang's all set.
I wonder if the colt is going to join the group or maybe show them to others that are trying to get through Manehattan so they can go together. Odds are that he probable just lives there or something.
Awesome job with the chapter. I can't wait to read the next one.
To paraphrase Puppysmiles' Get Lost perk: Are you planning to stop changing cover art any time soon!?
Is Dust being nuked a reference to the season 1 finale of Nuka Break? Also, Night Shade is becoming more like Scar.
4613622 Quoth the magic conch, "Maybe some day."
4613686 And actually, no it isn't a reference. But I'm glad you're making comparisons. I wish my fic was half as good as that series.