Planeswalkers are mystical beings that can travel between universes. They have the power of near-infinite magic at their fingertips.
When Garruk, a human planeswalker, chases his prey Liliana into the land of Equestria, he starts a chain of events that will lead ultimately to a war with Equestria.
Twilight Sparkle, one of the four alicorn planeswalkers, must find a way to settle the conflict before her world is destroyed.
(A crossover with Magic: The Gathering. As such, it contains violence, spellcasting and ridiculous amounts of fun. Strewn about the story are links to relevant Magic cards. At the end of each chapter is a fanmade card related to the story so far.)
Chapters (4)
I may or may not barrow those fanmade cards. Anyway, will have to give this a read when I have time.
Also, squee for m15 release
4735719 Squee indeed.
Ooh, a new FiMtG crossover! Let's see what we've got here...
Chapter 1
Other than griffons, sea serpents, dragons, minotaurs, cows, sheep, donkeys, zebras, diamond dogs, ahuizotls, changelings, chimerae, draconequui, whatever Tirek and Scorpan are...
Also, you meant "sapient."
Using card links to minimize written description is kind of lazy, though it did nicely preserve the momentum of the scene with the companion. Try not to treat card art as a crutch and give more detailed description during less frantic scenes, and you should be fine.
So, the princesses are planeswalkers now? Bing-bang-boom, no preamble, no lead-up, that's just always been the case? No explanation why they're still immortal after the Mending? Okay...
You seem to have forgotten why Garruk is hunting Liliana. Remember? The curse of the Chain Veil? The reason Garruk's the big bad of the 2015 Core Set? He seems far calmer and more lucid than should be the case. (To whit, he hasn't killed anypony amidst horrific hallucinations.)
Chapter 2
Oh. All alicorns are planeswalkers. And Twilight is perfectly fine with not exploring infinite worlds full of strange magic and new knowledge. Yeah, that makes sense.
So... why haven't there been any visitors to Equestria? There doesn't seem to be anything preventing access to the plane, and the law of averages states that there's going to be a little transplanar foot traffic.
Why aren't they at least letting Garruk help? He's the one who's been pursuing Liliana through countless worlds. He knows her tricks, her tells, her methods. Have a princess escort him and he'll be invaluable. Celestia and Luna both seem to be firmly Lawful Stupid here, especially since Garruk could just planeswalk out of the cell, reenter Equestria at random, and start over.
...Actually, why didn't he do that?
Leeches? Specifically, those Leeches? As opposed to, say, Squelching Leeches, which one might expect to find in a swamp? And are a creature?
Never mind that Garruk knows nothing about Twilight and she's the bluest blue mage to ever draw a card...
Grim Roustabouts? Yikes, undead party ponies.
Fortunately, Worst Fears should wear off soon enough. Of course, by that logic, two of Shining's buffed soldiers should've been enough to kill the Dreg Reaver. Curse you, gameplay-story segregation!
Much as with Garruk, you don't seem to have a firm grasp on Liliana's goals. If Garruk is chasing her, then she's on a quest to destroy the four archdemons to whom she sold her soul in exchange for eternal youth. (Two down, two to go!) Also, there's the matter of the spirits of the Onakke, an extinct race of ogre artificers, exerting their will on her through the Chain Veil. So, yeah, Liliana Vess is a lot more than a villainess, anagram notwithstanding.
Synopsis:
It's certainly an interesting beginning, though there's some fairly transparent use of the Stupid Ball to get the plot where you want it. My biggest complaint is that this doesn't feel organic. You're clearly moving the pieces about the board rather than allowing the story to arise from the characters' interaction. There's also a lot of unexplained background you're asking us to just accept, especially the alicorn = planeswalker thing.
But I say all this because I like this story, and I want it to be better. Again, you definitely have something here. It just needs some finesse.
4736423 That was... detailed. Thank you for critiquing my story. As for the points you brought up...
I decided to use regular, non-cursed Garruk (which admittedly was a stupid idea). I figured that the story would take place some time after Innistrad and M15, where Garruk has been cleansed of his curse and he's now just seeking to beat the crap out of Lili.
Man, I should have thought of that. Guess there's no good way to trap a planeswalker, is there? (Aside from Oblivion Ring.)
I forgot about those ones. I'll change it to fit.
Part of me wanted to reeeaaallly go into detail about their backstories, but in the end I just decided that it would be better to keep it simple.
And it shall, thanks to your comment. To the revision board I go. Tally ho!
EDIT: Made some changes. Should be slightly more bearable until I can go back in and make some bigger revisions.
Well, that works better. Good groundwork. Though you made a worse Ponder.
4737495 A worse Ponder? By Jove, you're right! To the editmobile!
Confluence.
Hah. Hah. Hah. I get it. Actually pulled mine in the BotG prerelease. It was the only reason I ever got out Arbor Colossus. Now it's in my Sunburst. Interested to see how the story is.
4737580 Finally, someone understands.
4737495 I dunno. I can see that working out in an Affinity deck. However, I will admit that there are definitely better cards out there. Maybe make it an instant and draw three/discard three? I dunno, I'm terrible at balancing.
4737596 I changed it since he posted that. It used to be "Draw a card, then shuffle your library."
Yeah, I guess that's an okay card. Broken in tribal.
Also, Fblthp NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo
Oh, and is the pre- or post- Chain Veil? Cuz right now Garruk is a scary-ass motherfucker. I mean, +1: Destroy target Planeswalker? Holy shit. Garruk, Apex Predator would fuck up Celestia and Luna. Although, I have no idea how he would gain loyalty to you. He should have been like Sarkhan the Mad.
4737638 Post-Veil. Liliana doesn't have it anymore because reasons, and Garruk is cured because I couldn't be bothered.
4737649 Awesome.
I wou ld make it something like thise
Draw a card
shuffle deck
Draw another card
4737580 What confuses me about your statement is that you said you got it at a Born of the Gods prerelease. But it was a Journey Into Nyx card. And Arbor Colossus was a Theros card.
I'm not sure what to think of the Mane Six's nonreaction to the return of Nightmare Moon. On the one hand, this definitely seems like something to panic over. On the other, I kind of like the idea of their being so experienced in handling near-apocalyptic events that their response is "I thought we did this one already." Still, it's clear why you killed them off; you don't seem to have much of a grasp on their characters. Aside from a few minor variations in diction, they feel like interchangeable talking heads.
Again, I have to emphasize that this doesn't feel like Liliana Vess as opposed to some generic necromancer antagonist. Of course, we've had this discussion. Moving on.
And the entire planet. Seriously, Ravnica the city is Ravnica the plane. They paved over the oceans.
Twilight's ultimate is completely insane. Tripled drawing and Ivory Tower? That'd be -9 at least. I suggest you tone that down to "At the beginning of your upkeep, you draw a card, then gain 1 life for each card in your hand."
In any case... well, that was awfully abrupt.
There's never been an indication that anything can stop the Elements once they get going. (Well, except Good King Sombra in the comics, but he can also apparently operate all of them at once despite never having seen them before, so I call bull-honkery on that one.) Still, petrification seems like it'll be easier to fix than outright death, and this way Liliana can't add them to the growing horde.
All that being said, looking forward to more.
4814497 Altered Twilight's final ability. As for the rest of your critiques, I will take note of them for the future.
The text on the em8lem should 8e two a8ilities, i.e.,
~Vriska Serket
Twilight's good. She has two very good abilities, and the ultimate has to be worked with in compensation. Nice.
Also, Ravnica, OH SNAP!