• Member Since 14th May, 2013
  • offline last seen June 24th

SIR OM NOM NOM


WANTS TO NOM YOU.

E

A pegasus visits the Crystal Empire to see a friend. That pegasus is Meow, he visits every year to see his beloved friend Eris. She has been his best friend since their early childhood, they were the best of friends. She was somepony special to him, but she moved to the Crystal Empire.
This is Meow's 7th visit to see her once again.

(edited by Coda Crescendo)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 17 )

really wish you could write more of this!!:applecry:

4506152
I know, but what can I do to continue this. But, I am making a story "Stephens High: The Jackrabbits" it's a few years before this story's events.

You should write about there relationship and how they grew up and how all of took effect on his life, like a relapse on his life

4506443
That would mean I have to delay some other stories in development. I'll see what I can do.

woo! gud luck buddy!:yay::pinkiehappy:

4506472
You have any thoughts?

MORE! If u can, post it on my group Crystal Feather Myths! Multiple likes included for this story

4508384
Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnddd done :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by SIR OM NOM NOM deleted Jun 25th, 2014

4508478 Yes! that would be awesome! :pinkiehappy:

Okay, I'm going to be blunt, here. You need an editor. Your main issue is punctuation, but I found numerous spelling errors in the last few paragraphs. Now that I've just, awkwardly, stated that, I would like to lend my services. That is, of course, if you would like my help.

The story, itself, is cute. A few parts confused me, which isn't necessarily good for such a short story, but I like it enough to put it into my favorites. This was sweet, but wasn't really sad. I viewed it more as a slice-of-life story.

Here's a summarizing emoticon for this story: :twilightsmile:

5116034
It was edited by Coda Crescendo, as said in description. But I can need a new editor (Coda hasn't contact me in a month so I'm pretty sure he's Internet dead). Plus, Bittersweet was more to it since there was no other tag to think of the time.


Thanks for the info though. Maybe I can let you edit a a chapter of mine from my latest stories.

(Are you sure there's spelling errors? Might be Microsoft Word fooling around but give me a plausible example of one of my errors please)

5116380 Spelling error example:

You should've seen your face when I woke up, you were fussing over me even if it wasn't that series.

and this one could have been on purpose, but

You asked if I was okay and I said that I was fine, at the next training session you knocked me unconscious and you brung me to the hospital.

Punctuation example:

He thought of his current trip, it was something he swore to do every year of his life.

This is a run-on sentence. That comma must be either a semi-colon or a period.

"I owe you the money for the flowers" He immediately went off. "You can keep the change."

You can't just leave that first part of the quote like that. You have to either add a comma, or a dash, or anything to indicate that the quote was paused.

You also change between past-tense and present-tense a lot. One particular sentence mixes up when to use the two and sounds wrong.

You know, I remembered when we first met at elementary.

That would imply that you no longer remember. If you only had to remember something once ("I remembered to buy you the flowers you wanted!") then it would be fine, but you're talking about something that you will do forever, so you can't make it past tense.

5117628
Oh:twilightsheepish:. Dammit Coda, you said there wasn't any errors...

5117967 You know what's really ironic about that comment? You made an error in your comment.

Dammit Coda, you said there wasn't any errors...

That should be weren't.

I'm evil, aren't I? Yes.

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