• Member Since 14th May, 2013
  • offline last seen Jun 24th, 2021

SIR OM NOM NOM


WANTS TO NOM YOU.

Sequels1

E

One night on Hearths Warming Eve. A theif stolen a valuable item. He then met a pony he knew since foalhood and now he has to make a descision.
(First story of an upcoming series.)

(Happy holidays!
Edited by the wonderful Coda Crescendo
Don't be harsh when reviewing.)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

Hello there!

Well, in terms of advice, I'd first say that you should go through and clean-up the issue with the paragraph spacing so that there's that needed space bit by bit. I know that it's tedious, but if you want a lot of views you just have to do it Second, I'd separate out thoughts from speech with italics so that you have your prose be something like: "Maybe stealing is wrong, but that's only if you get caught," Dusk Wind remarked, giggling as he shifted his head about. My, this mare looks pretty cute. I should seriously ask her out.

Third, I'd try and be way more careful with your sentance structure. You have text that's like:
So I flew into the window, iy was dark inside but I ventured inside anyway.

When that should be:
So, I flew into the window; it was dark inside, but I ventured inside anyway. (Adding commas and a semicolon)

Proper use of commas, periods, semicolons, and the like is very important, as is making sure that you spell-check everything.

In terms of the actual story, it's an interesting concept, but it feels so very incomplete with the need for there to be way more in the way of action and character development. Do keep on working. And have a nice holiday season.

3664949
The editor must have missed it. I have no idea how the editing thing works. I'll try to fix theses things. It happens due to typing this whole thing down via phone......

Comment posted by All of the Above deleted Dec 9th, 2014

Yeah, this needs a complete re-edit. Read it aloud to yourself and you should be able to hear the clunky phrasing. Listen for repetition. Listen for redundant sentences. You should also hear where sentences are missing a word to complete the thought.

You also want to expand. The siblings are potentially really cool OCs and deserve more story.

Oh, and rewrite the description. Please!

3664978

I type all of my stories on my phone too. Pretty darn good but you need to space your paragraphs. Also your story isn't really a tragedy. Keep up the good work.

Seems a bit rushed but the feeling in the story is still pretty strong.
It seems so sad in the beginning but as it continues it grows into a heart warming tale. One is a rule breaker while the other enforces the law, quite the conundrum those two seem to be put in but their family ties are stronger.
In the end, he gives his sister a gift, the chance that he could turn away from the life of petty theft, a incredible gift to hand to his sister in the end.

Login or register to comment