• Member Since 20th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Jul 26th, 2014

Yin or Yang


Taking a permanent break.

E
Source

The Museum of Equestrian History is full of interesting exhibits and artifacts, so Pinkie and Maud Pie go to the museum to excite the latter. Will it work? Or is this plan just dinosaur bones?

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 5 )

Pretty good. Decent grammar, I think I only noticed one mistake.

If I had to make a complaint, this feels really short. It's a good premise and I don't mean to call the story bad, but I think fleshing it out and adding a little more detail would have been good. More of Pinkie and Maud's interaction with each other would have been good to.

Now for the positive. The stuff you came up with for Equestrian history was interesting and portraying Spitfire as the "token nerd" of the Wonderbolts is amusing. The ending with the final exhibit was nice too.

All around a nice story. Hope, I was able to help. :twilightsmile:

4477169 Thanks for the feedback. I guess I should practice character interaction more, so thanks for pointing that out. :twilightsmile:

Short stories about Maud are the best. :pinkiehappy: Awesome!

4477239 You're welcome. Glad I could be helpful.

A super cute story that had me smiling the whole way through!:twilightsheepish: But there are some problems that I'd like to point out.

"Is this where we get our tickets?" said an exuberant Pinkie, still hopping in place.

First off, you use the word said, but have a question mark in the dialogue. Also, saying 'an exuberant Pinkie' is a pretty strong description, so I would suggest "Is this where we get our tickets?!"

"Actually this is for signing up on the museum tours," said the mare. "Are you interested in that?"

This is the very next line, and you're using said again. Try to refrain from using said over and over again because it isn't very descriptive. Use the word replied, or explained here instead.

This next paragraph feels choppy,

Pinkie and Maud trotted inside the museum. Inside there were a couple of ponies mingling with each other as they waited for the tour to begin. Pinkie smiled as she recognized every last pony that was on the tour.

The problem is you have three short sentences, here is one way you could fix this.

As Pinkie and Maud trotted inside the museum, they found several other ponies mingling with one another. Waiting for the tour to begin, Pinkie smiled as she realized that she recognized every last pony in line.

See? Now you have two longer sentences and the flow feels smoother.

"Look Maud," shouted Pinkie, who wrapped one of her legs around Maud.

Since Pinkie is shouting, you should have an exclamation point here, and the word shouted still doesn't need to be capitalized. Here is an example sentence.

"Now which way do we go?" asked the mare as she glanced down both corridors.

Do you understand? The question mark helps the reader to better understand the tone of the spoken words and takes the place of the comma, so it doesn't end the sentence. This is perfectly acceptable punctuation.

"My name is Lyra," she quickly said. "I was wondering if there are any fossils of what some call Homo sapiens?"
"Sorry Lyra, but we don't have any fossils of mythical creatures here."

LMAO!:rainbowlaugh: I loved this little joke!

This sentence should began a new paragraph,

Inside there were many sheets of paper that were protected by thick glass.

because you begin to describe the hall, which is a subject change from them walking toward it.

"What does this thingy next to me mean?" said Pinkie loudly.

Again, you use a question mark with the word said. This has got to change.

The group exited the hallway and Pinkie was as joyful as ever. Maud was still expressionless and hadn't said a peep ever since the tour began.

I'm not too crazy about these sentences because I'm not too sure who's perspective the story is in. I'm kinda leaning more towards Maud, but it really is unclear. Also, the sentence that follows this should start a new paragraph.

Overall it's a very well done story. You handle punctuation very well, and your grammar is great. I think if you decided on who's perspective you want the story to be in, then go through it and remove the areas that make it unclear, you could have a really nice story here. I really enjoyed reading it, and you get the upvote from me. :ajsmug:

I hope you find this helpful when you come back from your break, and, if you have any questions about any of this, don't hesitate to PM me.

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