The Museum of Equestrian History is full of interesting exhibits and artifacts, so Pinkie and Maud Pie go to the museum to excite the latter. Will it work? Or is this plan just dinosaur bones?
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Yin or Yang
Joined 20th May, 2014 ·
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Pretty good. Decent grammar, I think I only noticed one mistake.
If I had to make a complaint, this feels really short. It's a good premise and I don't mean to call the story bad, but I think fleshing it out and adding a little more detail would have been good. More of Pinkie and Maud's interaction with each other would have been good to.
Now for the positive. The stuff you came up with for Equestrian history was interesting and portraying Spitfire as the "token nerd" of the Wonderbolts is amusing. The ending with the final exhibit was nice too.
All around a nice story. Hope, I was able to help.
4477169 Thanks for the feedback. I guess I should practice character interaction more, so thanks for pointing that out.
Short stories about Maud are the best.
Awesome!
4477239 You're welcome. Glad I could be helpful.
A super cute story that had me smiling the whole way through!
But there are some problems that I'd like to point out.
First off, you use the word said, but have a question mark in the dialogue. Also, saying 'an exuberant Pinkie' is a pretty strong description, so I would suggest "Is this where we get our tickets?!"
This is the very next line, and you're using said again. Try to refrain from using said over and over again because it isn't very descriptive. Use the word replied, or explained here instead.
This next paragraph feels choppy,
The problem is you have three short sentences, here is one way you could fix this.
See? Now you have two longer sentences and the flow feels smoother.
Since Pinkie is shouting, you should have an exclamation point here, and the word shouted still doesn't need to be capitalized. Here is an example sentence.
Do you understand? The question mark helps the reader to better understand the tone of the spoken words and takes the place of the comma, so it doesn't end the sentence. This is perfectly acceptable punctuation.
LMAO!
I loved this little joke!
This sentence should began a new paragraph,
because you begin to describe the hall, which is a subject change from them walking toward it.
Again, you use a question mark with the word said. This has got to change.
I'm not too crazy about these sentences because I'm not too sure who's perspective the story is in. I'm kinda leaning more towards Maud, but it really is unclear. Also, the sentence that follows this should start a new paragraph.
Overall it's a very well done story. You handle punctuation very well, and your grammar is great. I think if you decided on who's perspective you want the story to be in, then go through it and remove the areas that make it unclear, you could have a really nice story here. I really enjoyed reading it, and you get the upvote from me.
I hope you find this helpful when you come back from your break, and, if you have any questions about any of this, don't hesitate to PM me.
You really can't hate Maud and Pinkie's relationship. Maud is definitely my favorite of the Pie family and will continue to stay my favorite. This story was well written and made me visualize this happening in my mind with the voice acting. Keep up the amazing work!