Twilight Sparkle is sent a letter by Princess Celestia to check out an area of the Everfree forest where a magical explosion occured. what twilight and her friends didnt expect to find was a small injured alicorn. The small colt awakens to find hes not in the forest and hes turned into a pony? now why would he think that? and why cant he remember who he is?
this is my first ever attempt at fiction of any kind (never did anything at school) so please let me know what you think
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First comment?
Cool enough I guess, I wouldn't say you really have any issues with anything big.
Just the little things I like- Capitalize names, proper punctuation, vocabulary (you said magic every other word a bit and I can't tell if that was on purpose or not)
Keep it up though.
its fine, it just need editing, capitalization and all that similar to what the guy above me said
* Reads Description *
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/192/225/in%20pinchy%20we%20trust.png
The originality is stunning.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
um, just looking at the description, fillies are girls, colts are boys, just wondering if you knew that
male filly? oh alredy adressed oh well let him do what he want i like the word filly over colt anyways has a nice right to it :P
395625
i started this out with hardly any knowledge of terminology. i was led to believe that filly ment young child such as scoots, applebloom, sweetie belle, pips and snails and so on. thanks for the correction. i will most likely et it wrong again in the future among other terminology so when i buck up please let me know. thank you
395742
well terminology is very loose when it comes to MLP fics, but from what I've seen: mare=woman, filly=girl, stallion=man, colt=boy, foal=child, just replace the human term with the appropriate pony term
though I have seen the word fillies to describe a group of foals of both genders
hope this helps!
cool story but it seems oddly reminiscent of another story, if you remove the alicorn part you have something similar to Displaced. still it looks good so far keep up the good work.
395896
thanks. ill try remember the terms.
397958
If you need any help, contact me, I'll do my best to help you out
398277
thanks. i think ive got the seond chapter done and had someone already proof read and slightly edit. someone else is checking it out but i havent heard back from them yet so i may just post the first proof read version. when i start on chapter 3 and finish ill be sure to give you a shout
404033 I was thinking along the lines making sure you follow the fluff/use the right terminology
I would offer my skills as a grammer/spelling person, but I don't have any, well I can do the really obvious stuff, but not much else on the spelling/grammer end
406160
well i could use your help on terminology. i think ill post chapter 2 later today and maybe start chapter 3 soon. so once its done ill send you a copy.
Not bad. Not bad.
I can totally roll with this.
SPLENDID!
406608 send me a message, and I'll send you my email address so that you can send it to me, or you can upload it to google docs and share it that way
okay, I finally got around to reading the first chapter (previously I couldn't get passed the first non-capitalization of Twilight's name)
It'll be interesting to see how you do this done-to-death set up
second, basic editing/grammar problems: names need to be capitalized, number less then 100 (I think that's right) need to be written out (e.g. three, not 3), put a new paragraph every time a different character starts talking (e.g. Twilight says something, Rarity's response should be on a new paragraph) this makes it much easier for the person reading.
medium level grammar problems: when someone stops speaking, but the sentence is still going on you put a comma (e.g. "Hey Spike," said Twilight.) the comma needs to be inside of the quotations, any other punctuation marks override this however (e.g. "Hey Spike!" yelled Twilight, not "Hey Spike!," yelled Twilight)
high level grammar stuff (a.k.a. stuff which I recently learned in my english class): your comma usage, or lack there of, plus probably some other stuff which I missed, If I'm going to be pre-reading for you I'll fix these for you
pretty good chapter, I can see you've fixed most of the errors I brought up in your previous chapter
though your lack of experience really is showing, I can't really describe it but it shows through
plus you never explained (or maybe I just missed it) why Starswirl's machine was in the clearing anyway
435106
it doesnt really need an explanation. it was in the clearing as it was away from other ponies so they couldnt interfere with it plus its near the castle ruins so it makes sense. i decided to leave it up to the readers imagination on why it was there but my explanation a second ago is my interpretation of it. but if you wish i can add that part in to the next chapter when i (the character is based off me but will be put in the perspective of you (the audience) being him....well, this is how i hope to tell the story) ask how i got into equestria, why im a pony, why i cant remember who i am or who my family is yet know about certain things in my life (sorta like selective memory loss but not controlled by me) and why was the machine is such a place as the everfree once i learn how dangerous it is.
435124 so this story is a self-insert? and you're an alicorn? tread very, and I repeat, very carefully, because I foresee him being/becoming a Mary Sue/Marty Stu, especially because he's an alicorn, alicorns' are OP (overpowered, in case you didn't know), therefore they really only work in roles which their OP-ness works in-universe (i.e. being the big bad, ruling another country/universe, or having some kind of previously unknown/unheard of role within Equestria that is on-par with Celestia/Luna. plus he's an author avatar as well? I repeat again, tread very, and I repeat, very carefully
you don't have to change a word of the story (like explaining why the machine was in the forest) just because someone says something, it's your story after all and you can write it how you like
The colt's first words in the story are a polite shut the fuck up... Lol nice
435257
i said thats how i hope to put it. i may not. i may put it in many different formats from self insert to whatever the opposite is and from first person to, second person(dont know how to do second person but will look it up) and third person. but this is only what i want to do if possible with my knowledge of story telling and such being limited im only going to write the story and nothing else. if the story goes into any of those catagories then so be it but im clueless when it comes to story telling since i was kicked out of school due to major bullying(i was bullied not other way around) and had all the blame put on me all the time so my grammar and such probably suck(ok i know they suck) but also my sentance structuring will suck so please forgive me if i buck up.
435356 um, there's no opposite of self insert, it's a yes or no thing, and since you are inserting yourself into the story it will always be a self insert story, also second person viewpoint would be really hard to do as it uses 'you' as the primary pronoun, (first uses 'I', third uses 'he, she, it), so the only real format which uses second person is instructions.
I will gladly pre-read for you, if you need any help with grammar
435400
i guess ill just write it how i like without trying anythign im not familiar with. but yes proof readers would be good. but first you'll have to wait for 2 things. 1. the next hapter to be started and ompleted. 2. my email being unbloked...god i hate hotmail right now
436316 unbloked? what does that mean? did you mean 'unblocked'?
IMO, just switch to gmail, plus google docs is awesome for sharing
436375
thats another reason besides my crappy english skills that i need a proof reader. sometimes i think to fast my fingers cant keep up and also my keyboard's c button doesnt always work unless i hit it very hard.
The chapter turned out pretty well, I will be happily awaiting the next chapter.
436398 well, when you need me to proof read, just send me a message and I'll send you my email
Hello why does your story have an update was it fixed or something ?
509690
accidentaly published chapter 3 when it wasnt even complete so i took it down immediately...sorry
This story is very interesting so far. Please, proceed.
Ah don't worry you among friends
and to the sisters know about humans
Punctuation needs work, but still good.
horse pony thing lol cant wait for the next chapter
711086
all im saying is that humans aresomething they know, respect and fear due to a certain unicorn that managed to go to earth (human earth) and saw some of it. i have a lot of ideas for the future and i mean A LOT but no way of setting them. i do know its going to have a lot of action later on and i will have to eventually add the dark tag and even push this up to mature for whats going to happen in a diamond dog city.
Huh, well regardless of how long it took this chapter was amusing.
SO MANY i's JESUS CHRIST!
There are errors, sure, but it's still a very enjoyable fic. I can hardly wait to read what happens next. I loved how he kind-of made small talk and asked lesser questions, holding back before he calmly made known that he was about to address his major concern about his current predicament, cleared his throat, and then proceeded to freak out.
why you are a fuking mutant horse pony thing? BCAUSE U IN EQUESTRIA!
well you see when a mommy alicorn and a daddy alicorn love eachother very much or are really drunk.... you know what i'll let princess molestia explain it to you. but heres a thought celestia is the sun, luna is the moon, and cadence is love than what the hay is this little foal suppose to be.
774428
mass murder or genecide..... no but in all seriousness the dark tag will be added on in the future.lets just say when the foal sees that something happens to twilight....nightmare moon looks like ghandi.
cool
I'm glad this story is still alive and kicking. I eagerly await future updates.
cant wait for the next
I'm still curious as to where the heck this story is going.
1052024
spoilers below were removed/ future projects of this and concepts of the future story were written here just for taz2723 to see. they are now gone. dont ask for them as i wont say
1052634
Sounds a bit like a grimdark story...
1052653
it ill be. now excuse me while i edit my previous comment.
well...it wont be all dark. just some dark bits for 1 arc or two. from there on it gets more light hearted but still slightly grim...only slightly.
And now we play the waiting game.
1052663
Only slightly like dead ponies covering the streets and Canterlot in ashes, or only slightly like someone having their life ruined or having them thrown in jail?