The Most Average

“Dinky.”

The sprawled form lay silently under the covers.

“Diiiinky.”

Her small grey ear twitched.

“Diiiiiiiinnnnky.” Ditzy gently planted a kiss on her muzzle.

“Uggggh. . . .”

“It’s time to wake up, sweetheart,” Ditzy cooed, stroking her daughter’s mane.

Dinky let out a huge yawn and smacked her lips together. “Mommy . . . ?”

“Yes?” asked Ditzy.

Dinky’s eyes suddenly stretched wider than one would think possible. “It’s my birthday today!” she screamed, leaping out of the covers. She pranced in a circle, cheering exuberantly. “Birth-day! Birth-day! Birth-daaaaaaay!”

“Happy birthday, sweetie!” cheered Ditzy, drawing Dinky’s attention.

“Mommy?” Dinky slowed and stared at Ditzy. “Why are you wearing your work clothes?”

Biting her lip, Ditzy looked down at her blue postal worker uniform and tan mailbag. She sighed. “Well, I do have a small bit of bad news.”

Dinky’s lower lip trembled. “W-what?”

“I have to deliver a few special packages to some important ponies today.” Ditzy sighed. “And we can’t have all day to ourselves like I wanted to.”

Dinky took a step closer and whimpered, ears wilting.

“But I won’t be gone all day!” insisted Ditzy. “I promise to be home after lunchtime, okay? And then I’ll give you the best birthday you ever had.”

“Promise?” sniveled Dinky.

“I promise.” Ditzy wrapped her forelegs around Dinky and brought her into a warm embrace. “Just remember that I always love you. Breakfast is on the counter, lunch is a muffin from the pantry, and call Time Turner if you need anything. Okay?”

Dinky nodded. “Love you, Mommy.”

“Love you, sweetheart.”

Ditzy slowly trotted down the path to Zecora’s hut, humming as she went. Looking around the natural, wild beauty of the Everfree, she smiled: this was her last delivery of the day. She glanced up at the sun and smiled wider. The sun hadn’t even reached its apex yet. She was going to be home in time to spend half of the day with Dinky if she hurried. Picking up speed, she ignored the cries of her exhausted legs. She flew the remaining distance, closed in on the hut, and landed on the doorstep.

She knocked.

No answer.

She knocked harder, while tapping her hoof against the forest floor.

Again, there was no answer, but the door creaked open hollowly. Shrugging, she pushed open the door and walked in.

She trotted over to one of the many tables and carefully set the package down. Noting an odd smell, she looked over to one edge of the table. There was a small, inconspicuous-looking bowl filled with a powdered substance balanced pro seriously on said edge. She stuck her nose in the bowl and took a large inhale. “Mmmmm,” she hummed, “that smells really good!”

“Hmmm,” said Ditzy, taking another sniff of the delicious-smelling powder. “I wonder what this stuff is, and if it tastes as good as it smells. . . . Maybe I can convince Zecora to give me some to take home for Dinky?” She tentatively licked at the mysterious substance.

“That does taste good!” she said. She picked up the bowl and took another lick of the powder. A nice long swipe that gathered plenty of the dust.

She froze, and the bowl slid out of her hooves and shattered on the ground.

Her eyes dilated.

Ditzy turned around slower than a cactus, yet faster than the speed of light.

Ditzy smacked her face on the door, and the wall fell over. She walked through the window, flowers grew out of her eyes and then turned into air, and then she took a step with her tail.

Ditzy flew around on her face and flapped her ears to fly around, and there were pickles that were on fire, and they burned with a glow of small chickens.

The huge tree monsters tried to catch her, but she was too awesome. She dodged and weaved and jumped and fell, but they couldn’t catch her. Well, most of the time, she did run into their legs a bit, but it didn’t hurt.

The she found some ponies standing around a pit of eternal fire and damnation; they were cooking marshmallows. Ditzy jumped in the pit of eternal fire and damnation and ate a marshmallow. It tasted good.

And then Ditzy was on fire, but it didn’t burn because she ran into a giant blue ground-tongue that licked her and made her feel all better and wet. Soooooooooooo wet.

And then she almost felt like breathing water, but Ditzy remembered that it was not a good thing to do, so she didn’t.

Then Ditzy fell up, and the clouds exploded into one pieces. And then a huge frowny-face told Ditzy that she was too cool to be that close to the sun, so she ate it, and then it was night.

Since it was night, she could see through her eyelids. And also there was a pony. And because pony, now it was day.

The pony was shouting out through her cutie mark because she was also shooting rainbows out of her butthole because she did that. So much rainbow. It was like a gushing waterfall of colorful doom. This was clearly a lesbian.

Ditzy fell upwards, except she didn’t, and saw another pony. This pony was also a she, but instead of legs, she had one giant back muscle. She was using it to slap the trees and stuff. Actually, she was really boring. This pony was clearly a background pony.

She fell sideways and ran through a tree, but then a giant brown hoof punched her in the face, so she didn’t make it.

She lay on her back and stared into the sun that was the moon in disguise so really it was a shmoon. She stared at the shmoon. It was a pretty shmoon.

Rolling on her stomach, she flapped her wings and ran into another tree. She crawled into a window, and the window was actually the door, and it had teeth. Now she was the tree. And the tree was her. But this tree was full of much smaller trees with tiny dancing squids in them. She knew that because the dancing squids told her.

And there was another pony there too! The tiny dancing squids told Ditzy that the pony was an abusive caretaker with an unhealthy obsession for the erotic section. So Ditzy tore the paper out of the pony's favorite porn novel, and she ate the words all up.

The pony sat down and cried, saying something about a priceless tome on agriculture from a bygone era, but Ditzy knew she was lying.

Ditzy ran and ran and ran and ran and splatted into a building. Then she went through the wall that was a door.

There were so many dresses that Ditzy used them for toilet paper.

She left.

The pony was mad.

Then Ditzy was in a place. The animals in the place yelled at her and told her to talk to the pony. So she tried, but the pony was so quiet that Ditzy had to pry her mouth open and scoop the words out with her tongue. It was hard, and it took a long time. Then the pony’s face caught on fire, and she fell over.

So Ditzy wiped her mouth with a white rabbit and left through the window.

Ditzy ran and flew, and ponies were chasing her. Ponies with faces made out of faces and many smaller faces; and little puppy dogs were chasing her too, but actually they were just ponies. There were some ponies chasing after her, or maybe they were shrinking; but she was faster. And it was silly.

She flew and flew, but the ponies behind her were shouting and making noises that made it hard for Ditzy to fly. So she crashed into all the candy canes with golden sugary circles on the top. She tried to eat the candy canes, but for some reason, the sugar splintered into a million pieces; and she couldn’t chew it, so she left.

She spiraled down and down and down and down, but it was actually up and up and up and up, except when it wasn’t. And then she saw her house, so she made the logical decision to fly up through her roof.

She landed in the living room and saw her most favorite pony in the world looking at her with her mouth wide.

“I’m here now, Dinky!” shouted Ditzy. “Let’s bake muffins!”

She climbed on top of the counter and used her mind powers to get all the ingredients out of the cupboards.

Suddenly, her eyes rolled back into her head, and the world went dark.

Author's Note:

Dinky stood off to the side, watching her mother drool on the counter. Ditzy's mane was completely tangled up with sticks, her coat was dirty and singed, and her muzzle was encrusted with a white powder. She was snoring loudly in her sleep and half-heartedly brandishing a wooden spoon towards Mayor Mare and the rest of the Elements of Harmony. They were not happy.

Except for Fluttershy, whose wings were standing straight up, for no reason Dinky could see.

Dinky sighed, shaking her head. “This is the fourth time this week.”

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Comments ( 11 )

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Tatsurou

Tatsurou #1 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · 9 · ·

The Author's note was the selling point.

I feel sorry for Twilight, though. And Dinky.

Eclipse LunarSol

Eclipse LunarSol #2 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · 2 · ·

This . . . With a little bit more of the hallucinations, should be featured, for being a glorious tripfest.

Cerulean Voice

Cerulean Voice #3 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

What. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Where's the grimdark ending where Ditzy never wakes up? Fail!

Nah, not really. This was a trip and a half though, wasn't it?
*Adren raises hand*
"I'll have what she's having!"

Maxes Altho

Maxes Altho #4 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · 3 · ·

I give tthis story a wat/10.

Meridian Prime

Meridian Prime #5 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · · ·

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #6 · Mar 23rd, 2015 · 1 · ·

A well-written Mushroom Samba—well, Coca Samba—but the use of best pony as the patsy rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry, but personal biases keep me from liking this one much. No fault of yours. Though I have to wonder why Zecora was extracting cocaine.

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