I am here for a singular purpose. I live to serve friendship and magic. I will bring both serious/fun FIC to this site. I will not however, perverse this great show. If you want that then go burn...
A fic about a nice but dull pony that seems to mess up everything…at least until he meets Ditzy "Derpy" Doo. Ponyville notices something astonishing. When Half-wit and Derpy are together nothing bad happens...however when they are separate they cause chaos on discordian levels. The small town makes it a goal to ship these two ponies...but what if they don't like each other?
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derp
When they are together their bad luck and derpyness go away.... but when separated it gets worse?
I like!
love it
All right, you want a comment? I'll give you a comment.
Grammar:
I didn't see one comma in the entire story.
Bad, very bad.
When a weak clause or phrase starts off a sentence, you need a comma before the dependent clause. Like this:
There were many such mistakes regarding this type of error.
Sentence fragment. This is a dependent clause; it cannot stand alone as a sentence.
Em dash. Google it. Don't make the poor hyphen do what it can't.
While technically proper, don't write an ellipsis like that. It can make your writing look stupid if it falls on the edge of the text. Do it one of these ways: Words... words. Words ... words. Words . . . words.
Inconsistent formatting.
You used caps lock and multiple exclamation points to write shouting. I am disappoint. It makes your writing look very childish. Only one punctuation mark can end a sentence. Not including the interrobang ( !? ). And caps lock can easily be skirted by the use of a said tag: "No, Derpy!" Rainbow roared, spit flying from her lips.
Showing versus telling:
I mean the second sentence isn't bad, but you could have done better. Example:
You did pretty well here, but there were some sentences that could use some work.
And as for pacing:
It seemed fine to me: not too rushed, not too slow. I mean, you could have slowed it down a bit, but it's perfectly acceptable as is.
Overall: 7 out of 10
I like where this is going, quite a bit actually. But you could use an editor to help you polish your story.
#FirstUsefulComment
4000567 I'll be honest when I read your comment at first I felt a little down.
I always figured that my fic had a few grammar errors here and there. However I never realized there were that many!
So thank you very much for pointing them out. I will take your comment and do some edits to this chapter. Hopefully I will catch most of my errors. Then I'll use your comment as a guide for newer fics and newer chapters. I'll work on reducing the caps lock usage but I can't make any promises. Same goes for the use of ellipses.
I hope these errors didn't cause you to much trouble as you were reading.
Thank you for not just saying: Fix Grammar.
4000927
I can even help you get started if you like. I could edit the first chapter for you and teach you what you are doing wrong. Then once you start seeing what you did wrong, you can learn how to correct it.
Pretty good, more please.
4001073 I would be so gratefull if you would! That way my grammer would improve and make everything more magical!!! Lol.
Seriously though thank you. I am already keeping in mind the things you brought up in your comment. If you edit this one chapter for me I can use it as a guideline for future fic.
4001232 thanks don't worry more will come!
4001276 lol your comments are the best!!! Derpy tried to see the picture on the tv better so she put a candle up to it..up to the screen...on a hydrogen tv(equestrias version of plasma tvs).
Rainbow was saying that she could have just used the brightness setting. Lol
would love to see more:P
Muffinator approved.
Muffinator approved.
Oh, yeah, I'm definitely keeping an eye on this one. Cool concept.
Hm... I'm gonna have to keep an eye on this. It will be in my favorites for the foreseeable future.
Pleas write more
Lol half ass editing
You can't wake me up from my nap and shove horse words in my face. I sowwy
4411901 UnACCEPTABLE!!!!
Please let this be your only attempt. I did not enjoy it. If you want to start a story out like that, that's fine: it lets me know what I'm getting into. But to suddenly have fourth wall breaking where there wasn't before was jarring and painful.
Aside from that, I did enjoy the chapter.
4413985
I'm in full agreement. It just felt really unpleasant and out of place when it was just thrown in out of nowhere. But as was said before, the rest was enjoyable.
4413985
4417639
I certainly appreciate the honest feedback. I've read over this chapter again a few times and I am now seeing where you are coming from. I threw it in to drastically and to late. Had it been the first chapter than perhaps it may have worked... no harm in giving it a shot though. Rest assured that slight edits will be made and that future chapters will not harm the forth wall. Thanks for the kind criticism!
4418434 Lol!! yes! Call him out on that shit!
Well...
Implied rape?
Fluttershy, i will get you a anger management course.
4418434 Thank you.....and i- i dont count sexual innuendos as perverting.... its not like its clop or anything... Now that, is something that I will never do... damn it... but i suppose if I do you'll be the first to repost this post as a comment.... sigh... im setting my self up for failure.....
4418786 Shush Tidal no one wants to read your shit....
4418829 LOL.... more like implied torture.... but who knows...
4418019 There certainly is no harm in trying new things! You never know how it's going to turn out unless you actually try.
4420097 i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee440/Holy-Sparks/Pinkamena.gif
i.imgur.com/tfJ9r.jpg
I don't know, but it was hilarious.
1. That Comedy Tag definitely belongs there.
2. One of my favorite ponies is apparently some kind of murderer who uses bears and tea as her 'instruments', and the other one is nothin but bad luck... well at least you used the name Ditzy.