Luna loved her sister. She loved Celestia more than she loved the ponies of Equestria. However the ponies denied her. They only loved her sister and when Luna attempted to remedy their blasphemy her own beloved sister cast her from the world. Celestia had made Luna's own creation her cold and dismal prison. The stars had betrayed her. After a thousand years Luna had returned and her sister's pets had forced her to "exercise" her inner demon. The notion that she was ever possessed made her wonder what sort of lies Celestia had fed to her groveling sheep.
Luna stood alone in her tower and watched Canterlot burn. The changelings were bringing so much death and chaos. The captain of the guard was defeated. Princess Cadence was weakened and frail. The elements of harmony were no longer a threat and Celestia was incapacitated. Everything was proceeding as Luna had foreseen.
Edit: I am humbled that someone would consider to do a dramatic reading for one of my fics. FimFic user joehighlord did just that for What Once was Lost. If you would like to hear this story read out loud go here.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Why, it's been a while since I read something so great! Once it's published, I am promoting it!
Alright, lets see what I can say. We'll break this up into two parts, the literary element and grammatical element.
Literary:
First of all, very first sentence. Wow, perfect
. The whole story opens with something that I'd call a universal truth, something everyone can or will eventually relate too. It's something almost hard to follow-up on in its philosophical nature.
The actual portrayal of Luna fluctuates a bit with her mood, and about half-way through when I realized this is concurrent with the end of A Canterlot Wedding. Frankly, once I realized that its impact was magnified, it's not a passé style of writing a memoir but a monologue in itself.
The dramatic nature of the prose itself is keeping with her personality and her general condition. It's very close to pastoral or even Miltonic in the manner in which it expresses itself, and Luna expresses herself of course. That cannot be a bad thing. Tying back with what I was saying before, the portrayal fluctuates which helped clue me in, but it also added a tremendous depth and subtlety.
This was a big one for me and it was quite early on. Luna's actual arguments are tremendously solid, but her motivation seeps in early enough that it can be caught if attentive. The order is 'wrong' for her to be entirely altruistic. If she desired order as a primary goal, I'd have suspected she'd have said that first, then used control after as the causal relationship IE, order leads to control thus it proceeds it, not precedes it. That's telling, and very clever. Likewise, it's reinforced by something a few lines later.
It's not 'us' of this. It frames here tremendously as a pony of two very distinct personalities: she has an inborn sense that is strictly based on order, on prestige, form, all traditional areas of control and good governance. But the reasons she wants it may have changed, it still leaves questions as to if Nightmare Moon was first or if it's merely that Luna is gone, was gone, and always has been. I don't think it's a weakness, I think it's a marvelous strength.
As a literary sense of symbolism, I'm a touch surprised that you didn't come full circle with the motif of the tower and the white city (given the potential touch of the 'white' tower of moon separating Luna from everypony else, the white city as denial, and then the literal Ivory tower being Celestia's willful ignorance of events). The disdain for the city itself, the proof of Celestia's power and in her dogma is vehement, vitreous, and venomous. I adore it.
This is likely my favourite lines in my favourite paragraph of the whole work. As I said earlier, it's Miltonic: pride, envy, greed, wrath, four of those delightful deadly sins. The actual style is old, but just a simple touch of 'knows not' keeps Luna's personality grounded in the older styles of English writing that really makes me appreciate the manner of writing itself. The viciousness and hatred not just for Celestia but all her cohorts and thoughtless, gormless, peons is blunt, vivid, and sinfully delightful. Comparisons to her subjects as the fecund maggots and other horribly base creatures, even that line really cutting into Chyrsalis is terrific.
Grammatical:
I'm... not sure how to deal with some of it. I think there should be a lot more commas around but I'm trying to decide if pastoral prose can support a lack of commas as commas are essentially there for breath. Hmm, well if you want I can probably pick out a list but I'll just go for a few things.
)
(When this is quite ready I'm fine with re-editing this paragraph, it is a pre-read after all and that's the point of this
I like the sentence, and I like the tower theme, I always have. I'm actually hesitating on one part of this, and that is “and watch in this tower”. Should that be 'watch from this tower'? Likewise, it ends in a preposition with 'in', which is uncommon. Might I suggest a slight rewording to “Now I wait and watch from this tower in which I have been so conveniently placed.”
I think you can cut the however and let the metaphor rest with a comma behind shore and rest. I'm not sure if that is how it is, I know think it flows a touch odd. The actual sentence and thought is terrific though!
“..her, but...' comma is all.
To fit the prose style, I think the word 'onto' should be 'unto'. In a very similar vein.
'...monster that will end...' could work a bit better as '...the monster which will end...”
Could I suggest replacing 'my' with 'me' or 'inside' with 'innards'?
We'll end with two really little clean ups right near the end.
double space.
Needs a double space
That's it. All in all: excellent!. No question about it. I really enjoyed reading it and many-many thanks for allowing me to pre-read it too. What can I say, this is my head-cannon now. Trés bon!
This is pretty darn good, friend.
Very convincing. One of the best stories I've read
5 minutes later
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JESUS LUNA WHAT THE BUCK!?!
Personaly i would advise you to seek out a doctor, or at the very least come clean with your sister.
Such bottled up emotions are healthy and they can lead you to do thing you might regret in the long run.
But in all seriousness this was a great story. Very believeable.
I looking forward to see what you will bring to the table next time
4110241 I get what you mean. I suppose my idea of Luna is closer to what I have in An Unwelcome Change. She is wise, witty, and kind...but god help you if you piss her off or hurt her friends.
This Luna is totally separate for me. She is supposed to be everything that you brought up. She is the Luna that cannot accept that the same being that would cast her away to the moon would still love her. After all she has been through any sign or attempt to show her affection has to be some kind of lie, plan, or motive. She may be immortal but a 1000 years is still a 1000 years. That much time alone with nothing to think about other than how your sister cast you away and your creations hate for you...well... I wouldn't imagine that having a positive effect on the mind. This Luna is still bleeding from that fateful day but instead of wincing at the pain and thinking about how she got hurt...she embraces it and wishes to return it tenfold.
Damn. I dunno what else to say about this. Luna's characterization is fantastic here. This really feels like the start of a terrific and terrible tale of tragedy.
4110954 you win the internetz.
Epic quote is Epic.
The one factor missing in this: Discord. Still a solid story and I'm liking it, but I'm always disappointed in the amount of stories like this, where Luna and Celestia's goddesshood is addressed and how powerful they are and how nothing can possibly stand against them, but Discord is completely ignored when he was able to defeat Luna and Celestia, together, until they brought the Elements of Harmony.
4111796 I didnt put discord in here because Luna doesn't see him as a threat. Despite accusing Celestia of being so, it is actually Luna who is blind. She only sees her sister and everything her sister built as a threat. The relations between ponies and griffons, the actions of dragons, and the chaos of Discord doesn't concern her. Discord did not cause her any pain. He didn't banish her or ignore her.
I do agree that he is godlike but I don't think he is a threat. To me he is more of a spirit that roams around and mixes things up from time to time.
So Luna was behind it all.
4112758
Yes!
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This was truly dark. I loved your take on Luna's character.
4113524 thank you very much. I like it too. Don't get me wrong I love the nightmare moon/craziness deal but making Luna like this just really makes her more villainous/tragic to me. This Luna supposed to be the incredibly jealous and wrathful god. Her mindset is simple. You are either with her or against her. Neither way is safe...
4115592 No prob.
Just out of curiosity, which came first? This fic or the Antony C collab review of "A Canterlot Wedding" with Bronycurious?
4108332
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4121415 Lol!!
That was incredibly perfect for this story
Now that the contest is over, let me say:
By the stars I enjoyed this! Im a huge fan of the psychological stuff, it took a moment of canon and put a much darker light on it, not only alluding to Luna's still very stong feeling of hate...but it added a believable level of cunning and luck by the 'recruitment' of the queen. Yet what got me, was the fact that it didn't focus on the action on the main stage, it focused on Luna and her inner storm. Just reading all these feelings and ideas gives me chills!!
Great fic and I secretly wish you would've placed higher.
4240785 Thank you Very much!
I am glad you enjoyed it! I love the more tragic idea that Luna is the real nightmare and that Nightmare Moon is simply something Celestia made up bc she herself can't believe that Luna would turn.
I am happy with the place I got. For my first ever contest submission I feel thrilled. All I can do is try to get better and hopefully put out more quality work!
A story that warrants a sequel.
4543476 I will be honest it is something I am considering. I originally set out to make this only a one shot. Who knows though?
4547123 I eagerly await your decision. Although I like the story I like happy Luna over sad/ angry Luna.
4547290 Same here. I did this because I am a fan of the idea that while luna is genuinely a nice pony... she can have her moments. I like the idea that Night mare moon or solar flare arent evil versions. I like to think of them as the more celestial and godly versions of the two sisters.
What we see in the show is like how the greek gods would just screw with people and mess around. Nightmare moon and Solar flare would be those gods when they are killing titans, tearing up the terrain, etc.
Nightmare moon to me would be an excellent way for Celestia to protect her sister. By convincing ponies that Nightmare is a separate entity and not just luna releasing her godly wrath, she makes ponies sympathize with luna rather than hate her.
LOL honestly my favorite luna is smartass luna.
Well done. While I'm not the biggest fan of an evil Luna, the views towards Celestia are something I can agree with. Never really liked Celestia myself and the show always seems to depict her as perfect or viewed as such. If Luna held a grudge, this makes sense on what her thoughts might be towards her sister.
4547317 you should make a sequel where the truth is shown to the ponies and they all betray celestial and beat the fuck out of her.
Wow, this was amazing! I always thought that immagining Nightmare Moon as some demonic entity that possesed Luna and made her turn against her sister a bit cheesy. Instead showing Luna as a pony with her own agenda, her own ambitions, her own darkness inside, makes her more lifelike than being just a puppet of some generic dark force.
P.S. I was listening to this while reading, it seems to be great for stories like this one:
Damn that was powerful.
8618584
Thank you!
4547290
I know you made that comment years ago but I'd still be super interested in a sequel !