Interlude: THE LIST
Captain Shining Armor looked about the room at the faces of the new recruits. Of course, given the state of affairs, there were some older officers and enlisted in the ranks, as well. This training was rather important. He gazed about the classroom, at the thirty or so guards seated at desks, a thin vanilla envelope in front of them, containing only a few sheets of paper.
“Gentlemen, you are here because it does not reflect in your record that you have had this training before. While this is normally not a mandatory course, a recent change in stafing has created the need to make such lessons mandatory,” he explained, looking at all of the confused faces.
They would learn, soon enough. “Gentlecolts, Fillies, please open your files. I shall be reading the document aloud to you. Please follow along. There will be a test after.”
Shining sat himself down at a larger desk in front of the room, and opened his own copy of the file. He began to read:
“[This document is a legally notarized copy of File #D4M-M17 Freude. It is meant for training, educational, and informational purposes only. See #62.]
[THINGS SCHADENFREUDE IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO IN CANTERLOT]
1: Not allowed to make faces at guards to see if they respond while on post.
2: Not allowed to commit petty offenses for the same reason.
3: Not allowed to make any attempts whatsoever to provoke a response of any kind from any guard. On or off duty.
4: Not allowed to bribe others to do the same.
5: Not allowed to coerce others IN ANY FASHION to do the same.
6: Not allowed to tamper, tinker, manipulate, or otherwise physically alter any public water system for the express purpose of making ponies “Find that damned dripping noise.”
7: Silly putty is not a suitable substitute for caulking glue.
8: Neither is week-old chili.
9: There is NO SUITABLE SUBSTITUTE for caulking glue.
10: There is also no suitable substitute for a parachute.
11: Not allowed to volunteer at the public library.
12: Not allowed in the public library for more than ten minutes.
13: Not allowed in the public library at all.
14: Not allowed in the museum, for similar reasons.
15: Not allowed to challenge anypony to a race to the end of the city, promising money, then turning around and leaving.
16: Not allowed to promise money to any number of ponies if they win a race, then turn around and leave.
17: Not allowed to instigate races of any kind.
18: Not allowed to participate in races of any kind.
19: Dickery is not a professional sport.
20: It is not an amateur sport, either.
21: Schadenfreude is not the last of a dying breed.
22: Nor is he a disabled pegasus.
23: Or unicorn.
24: Schadenfreude is not a disabled anything.
25: Being an asshole is not a disability.
26: It is also not a special talent.
27: Schadenfreude’s ONLY special talent is being an asshole.
28: Not allowed to pretend to enlist in the Royal Guard.
29: Not allowed to enlist in the Royal Guard.
30: Not allowed to wear the uniform for any reason.
31: Schadenfreude did not “Lose his wings in the war.”
32: Or his horn.
33: There is no such thing as a “penile emergency”
34: Not allowed to fake a “penile emergency.”
Many ponies flinched at this statement, as Shining’s emphasis on the phrase indicated that there was, in fact, such thing as a ‘penile emergency.’
Shining himself straightened up slightly from his own discomforted shudder, and continued reading:
“35: Not allowed to make use of the Fair Treatment Act clause that dictates that any medical professional approached with a patient claiming serious illness or injury is required to provide treatment regardless of the presence of any actual medical emergency, except with visible evidence to support the claim.
36: Not allowed to use a proxy of any kind to subvert any rule on this list.
37: Not allowed to submit legal applications to change local city ordinance.
38: Or national law.
39: Not allowed to attempt any legal action to change any laws of any kind.
40: Not allowed to attempt ANY action to change any law of any kind.
41: Not allowed near the courthouse.
42: Or the Hall of Records.
43: Or the post office without a guard escort.
44: Not allowed near any government building without a guard escort.
45: Ponies dressed as guards to not qualify as an escort.
46: Not allowed to ask the staff of the griffin embassy if birds can have fleas.
47: Not allowed to ask the staff of the griffin embassy anything.
48: Is to stay the Tartarus away from the griffin embassy.
49: Is to stay away from the griffin ambassadors.
50: Not allowed to ask the Night Guard if their female staff members are “Ladies of the Night,” nor make implications to that effect.
51: This includes asking female Night Guards what their rates are.
52: Is to stay the Tartarus away from the Night Guard.
53: Except in emergency situations.
54: Not allowed to demand apologies from members of either Guard in the form of song-and-dance numbers.
55: Does not get to dictate or make suggestions as to what form his official apology may come in.
56: Not allowed to make naming suggestions to expectant parents.
57: Not allowed to make naming suggestions to parents who have yet to name their foals.
58: Not allowed to make naming suggestions. Period.
59: Not allowed to submit applications to legally change his name.
60: Not allowed to submit applications to legally addend his name.
61: Not allowed to introduce himself as “Master Debater.”
62: Not allowed to introduce himself as “Long John” anything.
63: Not allowed to introduce himself as anything other than Schadenfreude.
64: Not allowed to hire taxi drivers to take him “Just over the rainbow.”
65: Or to Neverland.
66: Not allowed to hire a taxi driver to any place he cannot point out on a map.
67: Of the city.
68: That he did not draw on.
69: That he did not DRAW.
70: Not allowed to hire taxis.
71: Not allowed on public transportation.
72: Not allowed to imitate public transportation.
73: Not allowed to imitate a public official.
74: Not allowed to pretend to hold any paying job that he does not.
75: Not allowed to feign, fake, imitate, or otherwise portray any change in his personality, as it scares the locals.
76: Not allowed to rent out spaces that are unowned by other ponies under the pretext of “Finders, keepers.”
77: May not present any argument in legal proceedings beginning with the phrase “Well, nopony else was using it at the time...”
78: May not end any argument in legal proceedings with the phrase “...and then they had sex, the end.”
79: Not allowed to represent himself in court.
80: May not make any changes to the furniture, fixtures, decorations, or other physical materials of any house he does not own.
81: May not make any of the above changes to any house he DOES own.
82: The same applies to vehicles of any kind.
83: Unless it is expressly written in his job description.
84: Not allowed to write his own job descriptions under ANY circumstances.
85: May not be self-employed.
86: May not approach non-business owners and/or managerial staff asking for a job.
87: May not approach non-business owners and/or managerial staff demanding a job.
88: Is not the second coming of King Nebulous. Yes he is.
89: NOT ALLOWED TO EDIT THIS LIST.
90: Is not related to the Royal Family in any way.
91: Not allowed near the royal family unless they approach him first.
92: Is not the second coming of King Nebulous.
93: Is not the reincarnation of Starswirl the Bearded.
94: Is not the reincarnation of anypony.
95: Is not allowed near the Obscure History section of any library.
96: May not introduce Discord to Play-Dough.
97: May not introduce Discord to Silly Putty.
98: May not interact with Discord without Royal or Guard supervision.
99: May not interact with the Elements of Harmony without Royal or Guard supervision.
100: May not interact with Twilight Sparkle without ADDITIONAL Royal or Guard supervision.
101: Or Spike.
102: May not hand out fake copies of this list to new guards.
103: May not hand out fake copies of this list to old guards.
104: May not hand out fake copies of this list.
105: May not produce fake copies of this list and leave them lying around.
106: Not allowed near Prince Blueblood.
107: Not allowed to respond to questioning by a Royal Guard with the phrase “And then?”
108: Or in a fake accent.
109: Not allowed to make any claims pertaining to the “fakeness” of his current accent.
110: Is not to be questioned by Royal Guards without an officer who has questioned him previously present.
111: Is not to be arrested, detained, or otherwise processed through the Criminal Justice system by any guard, officer, or other authority with anything less than one two years’ experience.
112: Not allowed to volunteer for any government project.
113: Is ineligible for jury duty.
114: Is ineligible for mandated government work of any kind unless specifically approached by a Princess.
115: Said Princess must ask for him by name.
116: Not allowed to answer to any name other than his own.
117: Is not allowed near the castle without the authorization of a member of the Royal family.
118: And a guard escort.
119: Royal authorization must be signed and sealed.
119b: BY A PRINCESS.
120: Schadenfreude is not a princess.
121: Even if he really, really believes in his heart.
122: Schadenfreude does not have a heart.
123: Not allowed to perform surgery on himself to prove otherwise.
124: Not allowed to sing in public.
125: Even if everyone else is singing.
126: Schadenfreude is not The Lord of the Dance.
127: May not attempt to pass off confectionery as prescription drugs.
128: May not attempt to pass off confectionery as illicit drugs.
129: May not attempt to pass of confectionery as any kind of drug.
130: Not allowed near prescription drugs of any kind without a doctor’s note.
131: And a doctor present.
132: The doctor must administer the drugs.
133: Not allowed to order any kind of alcohol in any establishment that sells it.
134: May not have others buy him alcohol.
135: May not buy others alcohol.
136: Not allowed to order any kind of alcohol in any establishment that doesn’t sell it.
137: Not allowed near anything with an engine without the presence of someone authorized to operate it.
138: Not allowed near anything with an engine.
139: Not allowed to use the phrase ‘balls on toast’ in the presence of any of the Princesses.”
At this point many of the guards, officers and enlisted alike, looked about themselves, extremely confused.
Then, one rather brave guard in the back of the room raised his hoof. “Um, sir?”
“Yes, Private Ironguard?” Shining addressed the new recruit.
“Why is this training mandatory now?” Ironguard asked hesitantly.
Shining looked pensive for a moment. Then, he stood up, and walked to the front of his desk. “That is a very good question. Fillies and gentlecolts, we are having this training session for one reason.
Schadenfreude is coming to work at the castle.”
----------------
I walked past one room marked “Training” as Princess Celestia led me down the halls of the castle. As I did so, a loud, concerted protest rang out.
I smiled to myself and kept on walking. Something told me I’d hear about it later, and laugh.
I just pissed myself laughing
So basically this list makes him legally handicapped. He can't do anything on his own.
3962275 All these addendums should tell you one thing: he's a genius with legal loopholes.
I'm surprised that Shining Armor didn't say something to the effect of "Number 105 is being rescinded".
Well, I think my sister's heart gave out while reading this. Schadenfreude, do you mind helping me prove that this is true with some open-heart surgery?
My face hurts a little bit now. I couldn't stop grinning while I was reading this.
3962275
Better to ask forgiveness than permission.
Oh boy. Schadenfreude is the best. I feel as if they need more rules though.
3964375 Oh, there will be, by the time the story catches up to the oneshots.
3962424 Same here!
Shining does realize rule 105 is going to be void in a bit, right???
What worries me most is the crossed out rules that imply a penile emergency did happen... hopefully to Blueblood.
And we all drank deep of the martini made with Bluebloods tears. Or something. Hurray, joy, happiness, etc, etc.
........ Tis...
...Tis is pure art in form writting... It told me so much about this smart-ass that i love so much....
Really? Dickery isn't a professional sport? Fuck, that means my friend was right. I guess i'm not part of any sports game then.
Well, this story already breaks rule 105, but I think Celestia's going to ignore that particular rule.
Haha, this is awesome and I'm looking forward to more. One note: Shining should be reading the list "aloud".
4028824 He is. That's why the list begins and ends in quotation marks. Even the part in the middle is separated by quotation marks.
4034625
No, it says, "I shall be reading the document allowed to you." Which is grammatically legitimate but not likely to be what you intended...
4034643
Starting quotation.
Ending quotation.
Starting quotation.
Ending quotation.
Also, if you say I added those in there, anyone with the ability to see editing timestamps can tell you (although I don't know who those people are) that I didn't edit this chapter till after I posted this comment.
I found a stray quotation mark. It got lost.
4035076 I'm clearly failing to say what I mean. I'm sorry. I was only trying to point out that "aloud" and "allowed" sound the same but mean different things, and where you wrote "allowed", I believe you meant "aloud". I hope this time I've been more clear...
I wouldn't even say anything if I weren't enjoying the story. I'm looking forward to more. :-)
4037630 Oh! Oh oh oh ohhhhhhhh.
Yup. I done fucked up.
THis fic needs Updating. I must experience more of this Magnificent Bastards greatness
I saw that.
4341504 And I fix'd it.
I got to like 21 before I started laughing so hard I was crying. I won't be able to read this in class, it's too funny and my poker face can't handle it.
I finished this chapter fifteen minutes ago...
I'm still laughing.
Unless you're on Fimfiction.
how?
Some of these are just cruel. Let Freude have some fun.
I disagree! I happen to have won may a gold medal in dickery!
Too late.
Oh yeah.
3962275
Considering the guy could get all of 8chan to band together to try to get rid of him, there's a good reason for that.
I'm just re-reading this again, and a thought occurred to me as I was reading through;
It's a little surprising not to find these reversed. I mean, Freude probably wouldn't do it maliciously, just put slight mood relaxers in someone's bonbon tray or something like that, something to cause situations others would find annoying. That, and replacing Celestia's cake toppings with shaving cream, the spongecakes with actual sponge, that sort of thing. ah, the joys of having a devious mind...
6630540
Those three are saying he's not allowed to claim confectionary - pastries and the like - are drugs when they aren't.
Yet this list is confined to when he's in Canterlot, hence the title: [THINGS SCHADENFREUDE IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO IN CANTERLOT]
So...if he were to LEAVE Canterlot...😈
3962275
#140; May not claim to be legally handicapped.
8380743
#141; May not leave Canterlot WITHOUT permission or escort.
#140: Alondro is allowed to perform surgery on Schadenfreude to prove he does not have a heart. And if he does, Alondro is permitted to remove it and replace it with a bicycle tire pump..
That is quite the extensive list. They seem to have thought of everything, though...
I bet there's a loophole in it somewhere.
Wait a tick... I just started reading this, but last chapter, "Introducing Discord to Silly Putty" was mentioned to be rule 96, but here it listed as rule 97!
Dr. Bright as a pone
8397671
Introduce both at once.
Huh. This IS getting amended, right?
Perhaps you meant a "manila" envelope?
Good blacklist we have here. Schadenfreude's new position should prove to be... interesting.
I sense the influence of the good Mr. Welch
I don't get it. Why haven't they put him in charge of the dungeon?
He spends enough time there anyway, and given that dungeon owners usually want their prisoners to suffer...
"You can spend two months in the dungeon, or two weeks in a cell in Schadenfreude's block."
Or, use him to torture information out of captured enemies. That might work.
FYI if you haven't read chapter 3 yet, spoilers. I tried to cover them all, but I'm not the best with this sort of thing
8450957
So attempted murder is perfectly fine as long as it doesn't succeed? Because I for one consider being chased by someone shouting "I'll kill him" to be attempted murder. The entire list of rights Schaden doesn't have anymore isn't a punishment? Let's look at some of the things on the list of things he cannot do in canterlot or "rights we took away because he was annoying",
Rules 3-5 and he can't try and get a reaction from any guard, or coerce someone else to do so in any way, helping him is a reaction, so if he's lost he can't ask for help. If anyone ever steals something from him he can't report it. If he gets kidnapped and raped, he can't report it. He can't even tell someone to go tell a guard about a crime, because that would be him coercing someone into getting a reaction from a guard. He can't even go near night guards unless there's an emergency (rules 52-3)
I shouldn't have to explain how that one's bad.
If he has any kind of medical emergency he can't show, like internal bleeding, chest pains, that sort of thing he doesn't get treatment
he can't even try to serve his country
he can't legally have any kind of special talent other than this
he legally can't have any kind of nickname, or change his name.
There goes car ownership,walking near streets, and flying
he can't even try to change
there goes religious freedom
8451156
I'm pretty sure every single one of these laws, even the ones that stack on top of a previous law, were only put into place because Freude did something to COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY WARRANT EACH OF THEM.
Which makes me very curious as to how he managed to do that for some of them.
I could see 81 the can not change anything in a home he owns was removed since that kind moveing on rights they had not right to change
8468580
>> There is already such a list
Ha!
This alone earned a like and a fav. Thank you!
Of course not, that's Richard from Looking for Group
I have a feeling that this story was a complete BITCH to write with all these restrictions and clauses. Sort of like memorizing a law book. I won't hold it against you if I see a violation. If I had to do something like that, I would have an aneurysm.
4951346
Or anywhere tbh
Is that... leetspeak for DAMMIT?